there went the bride

so i got an email today from a friend of mine at work who is getting married. As in her boyfriend keeps proposing, she keeps tuning him down, and yet we keep going to the bridal shop during her break to look at dresses.

Anyways, this email was a picture of a dress from Maggie Sottero that she was considering, and she sent it to two or three people for feedback. I don't like the dress at all... at least, it's nice on the model but I don't think it would flatter her... but instead of telling her just that, I'm looking at the site to see if there's anything else I like that I can suggest to her in its place, or at least for further consideration.

So here I am, sifting through all these dresses I'm not impressed with when it hits me:

I'm never getting married. I don't think I'm girly enough.

Aside from that, I'm sick of it coming up in conversation. From avoiding one suitor COMPLETELY... to wondering if i'll ever be able to have a male plutonic friend again...

in other news, I talked to the exbestfriend last night. turns out he's going out with the other exbestfriend, and we had a lovely conversation; the first in months. Unfortunately, I can never speak to him again, since the reason she and i broke up was because she thought i was trying to steal all her crushes. meanwhile, i'm going through not being able to like him because they went out, and i didnt want to be called a manstealer again, so no matter how many times we liked each other, i never let us actually go out (my loss, he's great, but things turn out the way they should because:) and now it turns out they're dating again. So I'm glad I held off, but the problem is, now that he and i can have the strictly plutonic relationship I crave with him because he's dating her, I can't talk to him again BECAUSE he's dating her, and I don't want her to have the impression I'm stepping in on her man, since he and I haven't spoken much since January except for the one night in February when I made him birthday dinner and cake.

why is life so complicated? I'm tired of being so frigging considerate of other people's emotions. Why can't I just talk to my old best friend again without having the fear of it being misconstrued as something else?

Why can't I write that I like someone without getting an email about it?
Speaking of that... let's do the irritated part first. It irritates me that someone in my life feels like they have the right to know my business. If I offer something, fine, but where the hell do you get off saying you think you have the right to ask me questions because you like me? because you feel like you've invested some emotion in me that justifies you demanding to know aspects of my life, like why i like someone or what they've got that you don't. what the fuck is that? that's horseshit!

i appreciate what you've done for me, but that isn't a prerequesite for liking you. i'm not obligated to like you because you helped me get something off the ground... true, that happens with partners, but this isn't figureskating. I'm just so very angry about that whole thing. Its like there's a condition for the friendship. BUT, when I call the person out on the many things he's said, the first thing he does is retract it all, not realizing that in some retractions, he further incriminates himself.

I just want him to leave me alone. Period. Only, I have to work with him... but that might not be a problem since...

well...

the second part of the "why can't i like someone" is well... why can't i like someone?

I think I'm deluding myself. I thought this person liked me as in "hey, you're cool" and i liked them back in the same way, but then I don't know. I think I'm the only one in the friendship at this point. Maybe it just needs some face time. Too early to tell.

b

personality traits according to blogthings.com

Your #1 Match: ENTJ

The Executive You are a natural leader - with confidence and strength that inspires others. Driven to succeed, you are always looking for ways to gain, power, knowledge, and expertise. Sometimes you aren't the most considerate person, especially to those who are a bit slow. You are not easily intimidated - and you have a commanding, awe-inspiring presence. You would make a great CEO, entrepreneur, or consultant.

Your #2 Match: INTJ

The Scientist You have a head for ideas - and you are good at improving systems. Logical and strategic, you prefer for everything in your life to be organized. You tend to be a bit skeptical. You're both critical of yourself and of others. Independent and stubborn, you tend to only befriend those who are a lot like you. You would make an excellent scientist, engineer, or programmer.

Your #3 Match: ENFJ

The Giver You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

Your #4 Match: INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

Your #5 Match: ENTP

The Visionary You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression. You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything. Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off. You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments. You would make a great entrpreneur, marketing executive, or actor.

What's Your Personality Type?

quotes of last night

most insightful: "floetry is what you get if you split Jill Scot"

most fish-out-of-water at just the right time: "is good to learn foreign languages"

most repeated and least relevant to the event: "go to me-zine.org"

thanks to everyone who came out last night...
thanks to all the jokes & performers
thanks to everyone who promoted my website (www.me-zine.org) even though the event was for dayspring bahai school (www.dayspringbahaischool.org).

b

What mom said today

I cannot believe I head these words come out of my mother's mouth when referring to someone we know:

"She needs to eat shit and die"

:O

b

Make It So

I have just read the most disturbing news EVER. Beyond nuclear warfare, beyond sarvation and repression of the advancement of women in foreign countries. This tops it all.

http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/index.php?category=7&id=34822

The Powers That Be have heretofore said that while there will be another StarTrek Movie, Partick Stewart will not be reprising his role as Captain Jean-Luc Picard BECAUSE HE IS TOO OLD.

William Shatner was 66 when he did Generations, Picard is 65 now. He's in way better shape and didnt even break a sweat during all those scenes that Shatner's pudgy Tiberius was huffing and puffing in as they tried to divert the Nexus.

Now, the argument is that even though he's 65 now, by the time they got around to shooting anything, he'd be 70.

I say SO THE FRACK WHAT?

ALL HE NEEDS TO DO IS SIT THERE AND SAY THREE THINGS:
1. Tea, Earl Grey, Hot.
2. Make it so.
3. Engage.

I mean, they can even bring him back as an admiral or something... This is total age discrimination. Another rumor was that he's not coming back because he didn't want to do Picard unless they were paying him Professor X wages. I mean, here's this man, sitting in a chair, having stuff fly at him and explode around him all the time. How different is that scenario really, than if the Enterprise was being attacked by Ferengis, Klingons, Romulans and the Borg all at once? He'd still be sitting in a chair, having stuff fly at him and explode around him.

They're talking about making the movie with an entirely new cast. While I applaud my chance to be in a movie (I'd look good as a Klingon, I swear... I can be Lursa and Be'toor's long lost sister, out to avenge their deaths... I look good in leather! I swear!) I mean... you're out to market a film based on a television series... without the television series to help you promote it... Unless you're gonna make a DS-9 or Voyager movie... I mean... c'mon here! Besides, they're acting like they can do without Picard! Correct me if I'm wrong, but did anyone go see the TNG movies because of Jonathan Frakes? No? Didn't think so!

WTF!!!

Okay, so he'll be 70. He'd be the hottest 70 year old in movies right now. Okay... Sean Connery is 76... so there'd be a tie for sexiest 70year old man.

HANG ON!

SEAN CONNERY was born in 1930... one year before Tiberius... and he made The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (and Women) in 2003, which makes him 73!!

I am *so* pumped up about this right now. I'm almost pissed enough to write a letter!

b

MIA

So one of the Karate guys comes in (the one who wants to "be friends- respecting all boundaries, of course") and yells at me for being MIA.

I reply "I'm glad, I don't want to be here"

He hits me with "I thought you loved being here"

Touche.

Damn.

I hit back with "well, I used to!"

Yeah, I used to. Before people started hitting on me & stuff.

You know, I don't mind being hit on. I think sone lines are funny. You can use any line, as long as you don't take yourself too seriously. But it's when people look at me with hunger in their eyes that makes me think "there is no way I'm going *anywhere* with you". I can't describe what I mean by "hunger" at the moment.

It just is.

Nasty.

Besu was mad at me one day for being "the girl who complains" as in "I hate it when pretty girls complain about guys liking them." It's not about guys liking us, though... it's about the KIND of guy that likes us, or the WAY they like us, or how they choose to SHOW they like us. I'm all for nice guys liking me. Sure. But perverts and guys who just want to "tap dat ass"... not a fan.

And guys who read the blog just so say "so, you've got guys trying to 'tap dat ass?'" UGH they irritate me! CM used to do that. I'd blog that I'm sick of guys trying to marry me or get me into a relationship and he'd im me with "so, guys are trying to get you in a relationship?" YES, dingbat. YOU were one of them!

GEEZ!

Speaking of marriage,

I've officially reached the conclusion it's not happening for me. How & why did I reach this conclusion? You wouldnt understand. It's because I've been asked too many times. The last time I was asked, last monday, it was a joke, but still. I think I'm over getting married.

b

Damnit!

So, the plan is coming together.
I knew I'd teach after I graduated, and I knew I wanted to teach in other countries.
I didn't know how, and now, I do.

*Yay* =D

In other news, I'm sitting at work today and Lance walks by and gives the biggest raspberry I've ever heard. Then when I start laughing, he says "I miss you, damnit!"

That made me stop for a split second. Thursday night, he said almost the same thing. He asked me why I'm not in this performance. Instead of telling him "because I don't want to have a blessed thing to do with the company," or "because I just can't right now" I just took it, and let him tell me how he missed me onstage. So when he hit me with that today, it's kinda like "banaf5h3h, you're supposed to be here with us. Why aren't you?"

Because I've got bigger things to do with my life.
That's why.

It was still nice, though. Somewhere, in someone's life, I've made an impact. And that always feels good.

b

Undiscovered Geniuses

Undiscovered Geniuses

This is for the undiscovered geniuses,
(Or is it geniui? I never knew…)
Who write and paint and chisel in their bedrooms
Known forever by the last name, “Who??”

I know you’re out there, I know you’re in there.
Dancing with your hopes and fears, instead of chasing zeroes.

They never had a hit song on the airwaves,
They never broke out from the local scene,
They didn’t paste their walls with famous faces,
And they preferred the windows to the TV screen.

I know you’re out there, I know you’re in there.
Common knowledge doesn’t know the jewels below.

You always have a friend, and maybe several,
You look them in the eye and touch their hands,
You listen more than talking…
And always dream of seeing foreign lands.

I know you’re out there, I know you’re in there.
Share your gift with someone who will show theirs to you.

The beautiful don’t jump before the cameras.
The wisest women hardly ever speak.
Every time we’re sent a perfect teacher,
We miss them, as we overlook the meek.

I know you’re out there, I know you’re in there.
Harmonizing heart and hand, making mirrors from sand.

So this is for the folks who know they’re precious,
But no more precious than the dustbin man.
I kiss you on your cheek, not on a poster,
Because genius wants a lover, not a fan.

I know you’re out there, I know you’re in there.
Cover stories can’t uncover the true lover.


THANK YOU MARTIN KERR!

epitaphs

TheBesu has got to be the most clever person I know.
Before I get into that, I'll share something I made for him.
I've written his epitaph for his tombstone when he dies.

"Here Lies Besu
Now The Ladies Will Just Have To Settle For You"

And now for something completely different:

So we're in the car, listening to Avenue Q (which is practically all I listen to these days, although I did switch to Big River (sacrelige!) just to hear something different today) and it gets to the part where Nicky's homeless and asks Princeton for change... alright, for those of you who don't know:

Nicky:
Help the homeless!
Help the homeless!
Ooh! Hey Princeton!

Give me a quarter!
Here in my hat!
Come on, Princeton!
It’s as easy as that!
Helping others brings you
Closer to God.
So give me a quarter...

Princeton:
I don’t have any change.

Nicky:
Hmmm....okay.

Give me a dollar.

Princeton:
That’s not what I meant.

Nicky:
Give me a five.

Princeton:
Are you kidding?

Nicky:
The more you give.
The more you get.
That’s being alive!
All I’m asking you
Is to do what
Jesus Christ would do.
He’d give me a quarter,
Why don’t you?


And because I'm vice-president of OverAnalyzing Not-So Anonymous (there has GOT to be someone out there who over-analyzes more than me. Anyone? Shit...) I stopped the cd in the car & said "Hang on, that's not what Jesus Christ would do. According to the Bible, he cured the blind man who was begging. So, if you're begging, Jesus would fix the source of your problem, not pay you off. The guy was blind, Jesus made him see so he didn't have to beg anymore [ edit: He also kinda took away his prime moneymaking feature so the chap didn't have a choice. /end edit ]... ANYWAYS the point is, Jesus would have given the kid a job, not a quarter. To which TheBesu replies:

"yeah, He'd have given him a job. 'In fact, I've got an opening right now; there were twelve positions, but one of them didn't work out.'"

It's not a complete quote, but that's the gist of it, and I about died when he said that. That boy has got to be the wittiest, cleverest friend I've got.

God bless 'im.

the art of conversation

so that guy i mentioned before is cool.

i wrote him a haiku about how i noticed i hadn't sent him an email in a while.
he writes me back in haiku about trying to see how long we could go before we went crazy
i wrote him back in haiku something to the effect of "you're on"
he wrote me back in haiku something 4 stanzas deep about his car & the upcoming three-day weekend.

Smart Bastard. See, before it was one stanza haikus. Once I say "you're on," now he's got to break out with the entire emails in haiku. So I did what anyone would do.

Called him an overachiever. In haiku. And proceeded to write more stanzas in my email than he wrote in his. 'Cause that's what we do in the fourth grade.

Ever meet someone who is smarter than you are, and have it irritate you because then you have to step up your game? That's where I am with this guy. I enjoyed the privilege of being the smartest person in my social network (at work, I wouldn't dare claim that in my personal life), and then I meet and email this guy, who steps it up justenough that my first reaction is "that little f***er," which is immediately followed up with "now how am I going to top this?"

It's good. I haven't been this mentally stimulated since...

Since...

Well, damn.

Anyways, so ever since, all of our emails have been in Haiku. Surprisingly, the more I write them, the less I need to count the syllables (though I do anyway, just for confirmation). There's a distinct flow with haiku. And I also enjoy it because it's poetry. I get to excercise my writing muscle in a completely different fashion.

Poetry: the economy of speech.

We came up with that in Poetry class, and I've loved that sentence ever since.

So this guy is really keeping my brain ticking. Good. Next post, "in other news, your most recent TheBesu update!"

Happy Valentine's Day

Every day is the 14th!

Today was great. It's my first Valentine's day as a Single since puberty.
AND I LOVED IT!!!!

I had lunch with a friend, and during lunch, cuteguy who moved away (I really need to make a name for him) called me & wished me a happy Valentine's day.

That made my day. I was already having a good lunch since my cheeseburger & fries were on point, but damn. That really threw it into the stratosphere. I mean, here's this guy, who is at work, who doesn't owe me a thing, and he calls me during his lunch break to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. I felt SO special! He was the only person to call me. So he gets credit.

I need to name him. I'll think of something.

b

and then he didnt even grade it

so i worked like shit on that paper for BritLit and he doesnt even grade them. Which is a good thing, a really cool thing, because it gives you a chance to see how a particular prof views your work & ideas without being penalized.

Only I asked him, "okay, but if you *had* graded my paper, what would it be?"

he said an A.

can't that count for me? then he said he looked forwards to reading my essays.


ooh, next time, story of the Comm390PaperNazi!

b

the quote of the day

comes from mom.

she's on the phone and talking to a friend who is going to a birthday party i'm attending. I asked mom to ask her (while she was on the phone) if she was going to said party, and she said yes, so mom said, "good, so she'll have someone to talk to there. not too many people (implying one person) like banaf5h3h."

then mom made a point of saying that i was invited by the party whose birthday it was himself, and not by his significant other. To which the person on the other end of the line responded "that's because banafsheh's a threat".

wtf?

I don't need your man. What part of happily single aren't people getting? I NEED to be single right now. I've been a serial dater since I hit puberty. I NEED THIS "ME TIME." And damn if I'm not liking it, either.

But the bigger point I guess is, why would I want a man that would never want me?
I'm not sick as all that, tenjewberrymuds.

and if you want to keep your man, you might want to start acting like you like his choice of restaurants once in a while, so he won't have to start making excuses when i raise my eyebrow after he told me you planned out the entire valentine's day thing thus allowing him no romantic creativiy, further allowing him no margin for error on what you planned a nice evenning should be. Well, he just told me the part about you planning the evening. The rest was written on his face, which he tried to clean up with excuses I said it wasn't my business to hear. I mean, it's always nice to plan something for your significant other, but the way it came across was less romance and more ultimatum

Really, I salute you. You exemplify what it is to "train a man". Bravo.


< expletive >

did i write that? I meant to write "insecure."

who am i kidding?

b, tired of people trying to make her feel like she's angelina jolie or something

ps, i had some quality aol instant messenger time with the ex boyfriend who drove me to being single. He's good. As in doing well. He actually listened to me & saw shows on Broadway. He notes the difference & gave me credit for actually knowing some shit about theater. whouldvethunkit.

the quote of the day

last night, sunday, i was in a conversation with someone explaining (yet again) why I don't do theater anymore, and I basically boiled it down to:

"I was so many things to other people that I was nothing to myself"

Which he made me repeat, and then said it was poetic.

It was nice to be paid a compliment.

are those needles hypodermic?

I had my first accupunture experience today.
The weird part is, they do this test at the beginning... you stick a finger at a time into this machine, kinda like getting fingerprinted (for those who have ever had the luxury). It examines your chi & draws a map of it.

The doctor took one look at my chi diagram & asked me if I'd had a head injury.
yes.
Was it on the right side?
yes.

wow.

Cool. So then he did the accupunture thing & some electrical current stuff.
I'll be on this bitter herbal tea for a while, but he says I've got some stuff that I'm not going to post on the web. You'll just have to ask me.

Then we went to Tower Records, where I proceeded to forget the reason why I was there so I left & went next door to Ross where I caught up with Mom & bought Short Circuit on DVD for 10$.

I'm going to NEBY next friday, if I haven't mentioned it already, and I got some stuff to make a display. I'm freaked. I'm revealling my new website there. I've got the business cards & everything now.

banaf5h3h is doing good, I think.

Now I wish my mother was.

b

whose bright idea

was it for me to take two writing intensive/reading intensive courses at the same time?

oh, mine, you say?

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!

b

grr

dear coolest medieval and renaissance brittish literature professor:


STOP SENDING ME EMAILS.
Yes, they pertain to the class, yes, they're chock full of information, and soud bytes of what ye olde english sounded like, but they're messing with my downtime.

I mean, I finally get the hang of one assignment, and there's another email in my inbox from you telling me to "check out this" for supplemental material, or "read that" for more background.

Stop it, I say!

b

this is the dog that chased the cat that ate the mouse...

So, I'm at work, and I'm trying to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to do for class. I'm still miffed that I have supplemental material that's supposed to help me with my three page assignment that's due on tuesday, and that I need a mythology book, a latin book, and a french-english/english-french dictionary to complete the secondary assignment which helps us firure out the primary assignment that's due on wednesday.

I also still have no idea where my tuesday night class is.

Finally talked to cuteguy on the phone. That was nice.

Mom's bday went well. We watched Bride & Prejudice, and it was funny, although I (as usual) found parts funny that I don't think I was intended to, but anyways I guess the moral of the story is "No Life Without Wife".

So the kid mom tutors won a bookmark contest... let me rephrase that. A kid my mom tutors goes to a school where they have a bookmark contest. I drew the bookmark for him. He colored it in. His name is on it, so he won. But I WON. So, after years of doodling, I AM AN AWARD WINNING ILLUSTRATOR, DAMNIT! My bookmark poster will be turned into a bookmark for bookworms generations to come.

I RULE, DAMNIT.

Then I felt really guilty, cause I remember when Cire Doowllams told me he hated that I always won back in high school...

Backstory:

Cire and I have been going to the same schools since 2nd grade. Elementary school, Middle School & High School. Now, in Elementary school, they used to have these contests all the time, where we'd make posters. Cire would do these elaborate ink drawings of centaurs and men with horns and blood, which were always too good for words. I would (or rather my mom would basically pull a Mr. Porter on me, and do the assignment which she insisted I botched while I would give up & go to sleep) end up with a world peace poster that would win.

Cire hated me.

Rather, he hated that my world peace, diversity-centric color pencil creations always won.

So, remembering this, I called him when I found out that I won the prize (which I was sad about and proud of, since I proved to myself that I could actually draw) & told him about it. Then he called me evil for never admitting it before.

We're going out soon for a round of drinks.

b

so much happened today

me: this is the first class i've ever had, where i need loads of extra curricular reading in order to simply understand and comprehend the suggested reading material in order to perform the homework
The Besu: welcome to my life
The Besu: i read a bunch of math stuff to actually do the work i do now
The Besu: outside of the text that is
The Besu: good luck with all the studying
me: thanks, i've got my edith hamilton, my french-english dictionary and my latin book
The Besu: you forgot something i think
m: oh, and my condensed oxford english dictionary
The Besu: and...?
The Besu: DASZ KNOOTS!!!!
me: oh yeah, my german-english dictionary



Freestyler: goodnight beautiful
me: night, knight
Freestyler: you know, you probably get complimented so much that my words are just random molecules in your air.

**I WISH**

Indeed, thine are

So much happened today with my first day of class, but I can't write it all here now cause i'm about to go to sleep... but i thought i'd share what the day ended with.

A moment of craziness with TheBesu revealed:

midieval dirty talk:
thou enjoyest thine art as a harlot, dost thy not?

Beware when you leave the house... you might actually meet people

Basically, I got roped into going to the DC center like I said yesterday. I liked it, I saw some folks, I even saw one of the folks I went to Haifa with. She goes to GW now, and she's going to go to NEBY with us. Weird. SMAAAAALL world.

So, we all went to lunch.

ALSO, she informed me that one of the guys we went to lunch with was the "cousin" (meaning may as well be, but no actual relation) of another one of the Haifa pilgrims, whom we were very close with.


SMAAAAAAAALL world.

So, we had ethiopian for lunch, well, Irritrian (can I say that's close enough? I don't know enough about the culture to determine that) and I actually liked it. I figured out what my problem was with it before. I went to a friend of mine's Ethiopian wedding, and I distinctly remember disliking the food. Specifically the bread. Now, when it came to eat, they handed out rolls of the bread I was prepared to not like again. And I did indeed, not enjoy the bread.

On it's own.

The secret is in the way you eat the bread. On it's own, I don't much care for it, or at least it's an acquired taste, acquired by the folks who developed it and passed it on to future generations. BUT, when coupled with any of the sides on the platter, it was GOOD, and the very taste I wasn't used to provided a nice balance, and sometimes even a complement to the dishes I was scooping.

Can I say that the Lamb was "da bomb diggity".

That was good. I didn't care for anything else (well, I didn't even try much else) but the spinach and the Lamb.

YUMMY!!!

And it wasn't as spicy as I was preparing myself for, considering the jalapeno peppers jutting out everywhere.

On a separate note, my room's all booked up for NEBY!

WOO HOO!!!

AND my theatrical presentation got picked up by the DC Assembly. They want me to come in & give my theatrical workshop. I'm so stoked!

b

when coincidences attack

So I was talking (via aim, how else?) to DateFinder (who needs a new name, I think he's outgrowing that one... yay!), and he asked me how I handle social situations. So I told him that if I know people there, I engage in conversations, and if I know no one, it helps to know a little about everything, so that I can carry my own weight in an intelligent conversation should the occasion ever arise.

Then, something tickled my curiosity for a completely different reason, and being the Taurus/Geminii Cusp child that I am, I checked both horoscopes. I like checking them at the end of the day for validity purposes.

Anyways, here's the Gemini one for today:

"If anyone can mingle, it's you. You can chat with anyone about anything, mostly because you know just enough about almost anything to carry on a convincing conversation. You'll be especially believable now, so if you're out with friends and you know that the person you've been introduced to thinks that you're a doctor, a scientist or an author because of the vocabulary you're flinging around, have some fun with it -- temporarily. Ever hear of 'Six Degrees of Separation?'"

Now, a friend of mine from Ohio is in town this weekend, and he's been trying to get me to go to the DC Center on Sundays, since he goes when he's here, but I never go because it has too much history for me. But, today I decided to go tomorrow, since I hardly ever get out the house & do anything like that. I figured, I'd meet new people, which is always good, get out the house (even better), see & catch up with him... so okay. I bit the bullet & agreed to go. He kinda roped me into it, but that's okay. The Gemini horoscope said:

"Go ahead and accept a dare. Your impatience with all this endless conjecture leads you to strike out on your own and actually put your money where your mouth is. Your results will be spectacular."

So I'm going to have a good tomorrow.

The Taurus horoscope said:

"If you're single, you're due for quite the bumpy ride, as Bette Davis once said. The last person on earth you'd ever have expected to reveal secret feelings to you will be the first one who'll do it. Of course, you've been trying to tell yourself that those feelings you were having were wrong, but at this point, you need to buckle down and admit that it's true. But if you think about it, how could you possibly blame them?"

Who the heck has a crush on me? Especially who that I have a crush on back? I already buried my friendship with HeWhoShallRemainNamelessUntilIGetOverWhatHappened...

hrm. Unless FirstLove aims me & lays down the law, I'm stumped on that one.

It also said:

"Increase your exposure to art and you'll discover a pattern that reflects your life."

Now, I'm all for that!

b

why i love thebesu

Reason number 3456:

He has a distinct personality. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they're becoming SO PC, and worrying SO much about offending people that they lose a sense of personality... the thing that sets them apart and distinguishes them from other people.

There's much to be said for tact. Anyone can say anything, it's just a matter of how you say it. And you ought to be able to discern the proper way of divulging your opinion in a variety of settings.

But to have your own opinions, and to not be afraid of sharing them (granted in a polite, or at least acceptable manner)...

That's gold!

b

As promised

And now, as promised, what happened Wednesday night.

Nothing. Nothing at all. What did you think, that I'd have something juicy for you?

I went to help ParkPoliceMan with a project. Here's some background:

Saturday:
He asked me if i'd ever written a proposal, to which i said, "i'm an english major", to which he replied, "have you ever written a proposal?"

...

Then I launched into questions as to what type of proposal, who the audience was, etc. So he, wide eyed as if he'd never seen me before, says, "can you help me?" to which I respond "sure, but I won't write it for you" Then he got hungry, and left to get something to eat, during which time I started to write him an outline of his proposal, with blanks that he could fill in with information.

By the time he got back, I'd written the entire first page for him.

So of course I had to finish the whole thing, since there couldnt be a break in style. We made an appointment for wednesday (the only day our conflicting schedules had free for months) and he promised to buy me pants as payment.

FFWD to tonight, and I wrote it, at least a bigger chunk of it, and then went straight to Feast, where the stres of the workday, and running around to his house & trying to get home to pick up food for Feast and get there at a reasonable time wore me out so completely that I got such a headache I couldnt move. Really, it was scary.

But on the ParkPoliceMan note, nothing happened.

I'm still not sure if I should be happy about that, or not.

b

Why I'll never be cool

me: what's the 713?
me: i dont understand the music these kids play these days
The Besu: 713?
me: that's what it said in the song
me: something about the seven one three
The Besu: that's a texas area code
me: oh
me: okay
The Besu: probably houston area, if it's in a rap song
me: is that where the deuce comes from?
me: i'm so lost
The Besu: that's what they call it down there
The Besu: throwin up deuces
The Besu: peace sign
me: right
me: okay
me: thank you
me: i mean, i knew i wasn't hip, but damn
me: i didn't know i was my mother

This used to make me hate her

Now, it just cracks me up.

I get home after an exhausting day, and take an hour-long nap. When I wake, I go for some Total. Grab a bowl, pour the flakes and... what's this? The Total has been MIXED with the cereal I WILL NOT TOUCH (some crap with clusters). I say, "what's this?" Mom replies, "it's the cereal", and she points to a random spot on the box like "see? that matte reflection of the light off the box is the cluster in your bowl!"

I fall for it not.

So I stand there, sifting through the entire box & taking all the clusters out. I know she's mad, but I'm not that dumb! I KNOW what total looks like. and it's not like it's all "new! with clusters!" on the box. Did she really think I wouldn't notice?

Then we eat dinner, and I finally turn to her & say, "I appreciate your attempt to mix the cereals, but I fixed it. It was cute, though."

I mean... come on.

At least she didn't deny it that time.

fortressing

I spoke with ParkPoliceMan today.

it was most interesting.

Besides all the other frustrating things we said to each other... all the standard one-liners & misinterpretations...

there came a great silence.

I broke it when I asked him,

"Do you think I'm heartless?"

and he responded with "Do you think you're heartless", which I hated, and told him so. That sparked a senseless debate involving his unnecessary opinion that I wouldn't have asked if there wasn't some deeper meaning that reflected how I truly thought about myself, which I coldly retorted with a snipe to the effect of introducing the possibility that the remark was not how I saw myself in the least, but rather an observation of a third party, and I was seeking his opinion as to wether there was a personal trait that I was overlooking and ought to be made aware of, or if it was one person's misguided judgement and instead should be ignored.

To which he replied the wisest thing I've ever heard him say:

"You're not heartless. You're protecting yourself."

I asked him why it was that he should know me better than people who've known me for over ten years, and he replied simply "because I'm older."

I'm quite convinced that age hasn't a thing to do with it. I know people as old as he is if not older who still haven't got a clue about life or other people in it... yet here he is... making accurate observations.

That's why I trust him. Well, one of the reasons.

There's a second part to the story, but as it's rather a non-sequiter and hasn't much to do with this topic at all, I'll leave it until after wednesday night, when I see him again, and will have more to discuss regarding the second topic.

and the funny thing is

It's been a long time.
I could catch you up, tell you all about how all a man has to say to me now is "I'm a scorpio", and my libido dies, or even tell you about how friendships die... but instead I'm going to share with you some good news.

After all the talk about leaving theater, after the huge uphill battle i've had to fight against my peers, both theatrically, and those trying to date me:

I've won.

I got straight A's this semester.
Isn't it funny... how eliminating all those things that I (other people were nice enough to keep their similar opinions to themselves) came to see as distractions resulted in my doing well.

Go fig.

So, all that talk about not dating anyone, and not doing any theater because I'm changing focus wasn't talk after all.

Who'dve thunk it?

Because Sometimes Asshole's Don't Change

Saw The Weatherman last night.
People pretty much know how I feel about Nicholas Cage.
I think I've found what my problem with him is: He was just miscast in all those other movies. The movies that required the ability to move your face. You know... act. He had Keanu Reeves syndrome... where he's good if the movie needs a deer in the headlights (see: Matrix, Bill & Ted).

So if you didnt know my background with Cage, that's it in a nutshell.

The Weatherman is a perfect vehicle for Cage. It basically restored my faith in him, since I try really hard not to see deer in the headlight movies. The only Cage movies I like are Face/Off for acting reasons (and really, that was Travolta's vehicle, cause Cage still spent most of the movie being a DITH), and Gone in 60 seconds for car reasons. I have not seen Adaptation. So there is hope still. Anyways, I just assumed that he was miscast in all the other movies, or maybe i just didnt like the DITH face. But here. Here, in this film, the close ups (i mean, pore-counting close ups) allow me to see a new side of Cage. The subtle changes. So now I believe that Cage can act. When there's nothing but stuff blowing up, I missed that he's not an action hero actor. He's a subtle change actor. And there aren't many of those in Hollywood. So... I guess what I'm typing here is that I have newfound respect for Nicholas Coppola as an actor. So all you Cage-a-philes get off my back for beinga "hater". I just think he was miscast. OMG "give me back my bunny". Need I say more?

Back to the Weatherman, really, I thought it was a great movie. And the sound designer for it needs a medal or something, because there's this theme that gets interrupted. The first time I heard it, I thought it was a mistake, like the guy in the projection booth didnt know what he was doing or something (yes, I know that they have these automated things now). But then it happened again, and I thought it was brilliant. I need to see it again, to see if the theme's interruption (which is like a cd skipping, or like a record getting stopped abruptly) happens every time he screws up, or every time someone throws something at him. Really, it was a brilliant touch.

As far as Michael Caine... No. Let's skip Michael Caine. He's brilliant enough that he doesnt need a nobody telling him that he is.

Mr. Caine, your work is brilliant. I can only hope to aspire to your level of craft someday.

So back to the movie... I saw it with a guy who didn't like it because Cage's character doesn't really change. But the movie wasn't about him changing... it was about more than that. One level of it was just him accepting the way his life was. He was an asshole, and will most likely continue to be one. Sometimes, holding on to things is more destructive than leting them go & moving on with who you are. And he does change, in small ways. His son has an issue that he "takes care of", which i'm surprised that the parties involved didnt press charges against each other, frankly... but his other kid smokes and NO ONE IDENTIFIES THAT. That bothered me, but that's just it... he's living in his own world, where everything is about him, so when he sees that his kid is smoking, he's so busy lamenting about how his life sucks that he can't even say "what are these? I know what they are, but what sucks so bad that you feel the need to smoke?" he just looks at them in her bag & goes on about how he's failed. And he's right. He's stuck in this cycle. He failed, but since he's so hung up on himself, he can't move on and therefore keeps going on failing.

On another level, the movie shows how you can get everything and still not be happy... I mean, this guy... he get's PAID... but he can't appreciate it because he's too busy wallowing in self pity. No wonder no one wants to be around him. I'd have told him to grow a spine & grow up. He's so busy wallowing in self pity that he wants to know how to fix things, so he and his wife go to this counsellor, and they write something that they've never told the other person. then they give it to them, under the impression that the other person will NEVER READ IT. So you can guess what happens. He views this as his opportunity to figure out something that bothers her so he can fix it, as if this one chance will fix everything and make him have a perfect life in his mind again. So he reads it. Which, since he's stuck in his own little world, makes sense. he's got the golden ticket to finding out where he screwed up. Only it backfires. NOT reading it was the pupose of the excercise. NOT reading it was the golden ticket.

Yes. This guy sucks. Yes. He keeps doing everything wrong. And he will keep on doing everything wrong until he realizes that it's not about him.

One part I liked was that his thought that his wife was attracted to money backfired. He figures if he gets the job that's worth a million bucks and some change, that she'll come back to him for the money. And with her, it's not about the money. It was never about the money. It was about him.

< editor's note: I like how the last sentence of that paragraph contradicts the last sentence of the paragraph before it. I'll rephrase with "It was never about the money: it was about him and his obsession with himself." /end edit >

Anyways, so he develops a strength. He gets a hobby. In doing so, he develops the focus, and strength that he needs to push him into self exceptance. Anyways he doesn't make it into model husband/father land. But not too many people do.

Sometimes, a frog is just a frog.

But he did change. He started to live his life for himself, instead of in the past, trying to reclaim some lost glory he never had in the first place. He stops living for other people, calls himself on where he is, and keeps going. That is a success. A small one, but a succes nevertheless. Life is work-in-progress. I think it's assinine to think that life can be tied neatly up in a bow. The guy does change. And that one small change could lead to larger ones. But it'shis life, and we were only allowed a glimpse into it. Maybe the guy goes on to learn to put the toilet seat down after he's done. Maybe he finds some hot chick and remarries. But that's for him to have.

Really, I'm happy for the guy who finally got to be comfortable with who he is, at where he is. That's a victory. Yes, he's still an asshole, but at least *now he knows and can recognize that he is one*. The first step to solving the problem, as the cliche standard goes, is admitting you have one. And that first step, as another cliche standard claims, is usually the hardest.

Good for him!

b

Didn't know there was an "us"

So I had a double shift on saturday (sorry for the 2 day delay in posting this) and in the evening, the rec side had a wedding reception, which means 1 staff member (usually Cole) and 1 Park Police Officer (usually... well, 75-80% chance of it being ParkPoliceMan).

So, Cole & I are smalltalking while I get something for a patron who was my event, and here comes a Park Officer to work Cole's event, who was not ParkPoliceMan... and he's all, bravada, like 10 questions all at once, to the point where I'm abou to get my bag for my license & registration: Oh, so you work the other side (you mean the side whose office you're in now? I should have said that. Didn't.), What do you have going on, Are you new? My name is [I'd call him PPM2, but I don't wanna steal PPM's thunder...] You've never heard of me? I'm a LieutenantI've never met you, you must be new, what's your name?

And Cole jumps in at this point with "That's ParkPoliceMan's woman"

And I just look at Cole like, I cannot believe you just said that and there's this silence while PPM2 (shudder, I *have* to find him a new name... TheLieutenant) sizes me up & says "oh really?" and then attempts to save face & move the subject along & ignore how awkward it suddenly became by following it up with this gem: Oh, you're the reason he spends so much time down here? I'm glad he's got a woman, we all thought he was a little funny"

...

What?

That was wrong on so many accounts... One, I'm not his woman, which I had to keep reiterating, and he's definetly not gay. Definetly. Anyways, I'd say I wasn't his woman, and Cole'd say "naw, all they do is fight, what does that tell you?" And TheLieutenant said "they're made for each other" and I said "I AM NOT PARKPOLICEMAN'S WOMAN!"

I really felt like I'd gone back 100 years as far as women's lib cause here are two guys talking about a relationship that may or may not exist between me and someone else like I'm not even there, completely disregarding what I'm saying.

So then TheLieutenant calls ParkPoliceMan and talks to him about me. Then he calls me to the phone and ParkPoliceMan's all "What did you tell him about us?" and I was like "uh, one, I didn't know there was an us, and two, I said nothing, Cole's the one who's all like I'm your woman" and he says "oh, okay" like it's okay coming from cole and not from me, not that I would have put that out there anyone, Since I AM NO ONE'S WOMAN, which is what I kept saying on Saturday. I BELONG TO NO MAN. Then there was an "okay, ttyl" and we hung up.


READ THAT, INTERNET UNIVERSE? I AM NOT YOURS. I AM NOT HIS. I BELONG TO NO MAN. GET IT THROUGH YOUR SKULLS.

b

Men and The Man

What does it mean when one person can control wether you feel good or feel worthless?

I have big balls and I cannot lie

Okay. I have now heard it from three different men who do not know each other at all, that I should have been a dude. Apparently, I think like a man.

TheBesu also said to me that I'm one of the few women (or did he say only? I can't remember...) that knows when to shut up.

I love compliments! Keep 'em coming!

I told him I took a quiz that said I was the perfect girlfriend. So I said, tell that to my ex boyfriends, and he said "no, you're the perfect girlfriend, they weren't the perfect boyfriend"

isn't he great? I tell ya.

b

notawkward: mind if I ask a wierd question?
me: sure
me: i reserve the right to not answer
notawkward: of course, but this is an easy one. I was just wondering if you where surprised that your presence is missed in the artistic community. It sounded like surprise to me, but that might just be the internet
me: i was/ am surprised, yes
me: life goes on, ya know? didnt think anyone noticed me gone
notawkward: ah, then may allow me to make an observation, I wonder if you sometimes sell yourself short to yourself at least
me: i'm game, go on, you've got my attention
notawkward: oh, I just remember first thinking that from one of your other posts, and it seems to me that no matter what the emotional self feels like thinking, it's important that at least the inteelectual self recognize our value. The emotional self will catch up eventually. That's my theory at least
me: =)
me: then my intellectual self is alone and focused
me: my emotional self is paralysed
me: i'm strangely okay with the arrangement
notawkward: yeah, I know that feeling well. I figure the emotional self catches up eventually.
notawkward: well that was my random moment of lucidness for the week, I'm going to bed
me: haha
me: thanks
me: notawkward, you know, it means alot to me.

Only I don't quite Love him

DateFinder: Hot Theater Man Love = HTML
DateFinder: can't belive you missed that!!!



I can't believe I missed that, either. Actually, I can, because I don't love him, so the idea never entered my head. Should I entertain the idea?? Hrm...

; )

b


< edited to add > Hot Theater Tech PERSON = HTTP
Beat THAT, DateFinder!

what was that?

So I walk in, and it's all married couples and me.
What was that?
That's an exaggeration.. I think there were three unmarried guys there, me, another girl, and two people who may as well be married but aren't official yet. Everyone else was a parent or a member of the household.

I got to see some people I havent seen in a while, though. I left early, which was good.

Eh. Maybe the event's purpose was miscommunicated to me.

Singles night that was not.

b

i'm so happy

I got a text message this morning from... I have to think of a name for him... Wow, this is harder than I thought... What name do I make up for a person who was such a good actor at playing evil that he gave me nightmares for two weeks until I met him a year later at a party I ended up hooking up with a man who would later become my fiance and then I found out that scary guy wasnt so scary and REALLY HOT and we all stayed up watching Angus until he fell asleep and then FirstLove and I made out but two years later (four years ago) that fell apart because I made it fall apart and this year he looked me up & emailed me and now we're getting to be good friends? What do I call him? Hot Theater Tech Boy? Hot Theater Tech MAN. HTTM.

Okay so HTTM texts me this morning with a generic how are you, hope you're okay, and it made my morning. I'm not okay. I'm in a ton of pain, but it was nice to know that he still checks in on me. Which made me think of the other people that have checked in on me, namely ItsNotAwkwardAnymore, who reminded me that I'm a writer and should be writing. That meant the absolute world to me. This is my vent space, goddamnit and here I shall vent. If I vent about you, that's part of the give & take, isn't it. You read to see what's going on in my life, and if what's going on in my life is you, then you might see you here. If you can't take that, don't read my blog. It's a chance you take. It's also why I protect people's real identities with madeup names.

Anyways, I saw TCP's Choreographer today, completely forgetting that they're rehearsing for Nuncrackers, and we caught up. She lied & said I look good as always, and I laughed and told her briefly about what's been going on in my life. She's still in shock, and got kinda miffed when I said I wasn't doing theater anymore. She was like "What do you mean you're not performing, [her business partner and her] have been looking for you because we've got some shows coming up" and I explained why and she said to leave this place & go to some real theaters and then I explained futher that I can't perform even if I wanted to, because I can't do my job. I'm emotionally paralyzed, how am I supposed to act with no emotions? I can't even go up or down a flight of stairs without getting dizzy how am I supposed to do jazz & ballet combinations? How can I do my job? I can't. So she told me they're precasting this August Wilson play, (who just HAPPENS to be my favourite playwright of all time who also just recently died) and then we discussed the beauty and poeticness of his death and then I talked about my views on death, which she said was a very functional perspective.

So that made me happy, that she was mad at me for not acting. ItsNotAwkwardAnymore is mad at me for not writing, TCPChoreo is mad at me for not acting... I'm glad. It means my artistic presence is missed in the field. My friends have been calling me to check up on me, which means my presence is missed in their lives. In all, it's very rewarding to have people call you and say "where the hell are you/have you been?"

It's also amusing, cause I came to work and I wasn't smiling. That's all... well aside from the fact that it's raining and thus I have a monster headache... All that was different was I wasn't smiling (unless there was some signal they could pick up on that I didn't know I was sending)... and it reminded me of all the times the guards ask me if something's wrong if all I'm doing is not smiling. The thought of that made me laugh, because it was like if i'm not smiling then something's wrong. I know I just restated the sentence, but it tickles me. That's how often I've got a smile on my face. I smile so much that people worry if I'm not.

I love that.

So, good things happened to me today. Head hurts like a mother, but eh it hurts everyday. So...

Anyways, tonight is singles night. I'm going out of sheer curiosity. Singles night = trap. Don't ever forget it. All they do is throw "singles night" as an excuse to let two people get together under the guise of a party, and if you should find someone and it wasn't part of their pre-established master plan of how the night was supposed to go for their benefit and specifically not yours, they'll gossip about you until they're ruined your good name in light of their own. So I'm going. Sadistic, ain't it? I figure I go & be set dressing, and get the dirt firsthand. I bet there won't even be any good looking guys there. I'm more worried about how I'm going to drive home. So I'm not staying long. I wasn't even going (since I didnt know about it) but mom tells me last night "tomorrow we're going to ___'s house for singles night" and I respond "tomorrow I have a paper to revise" and she comes back with "well, you're still going anyways". So I'm going. But I'm not staying long. The moment I get tired, I'm going home. 'Cause I do not want to fall asleep behind the wheel, driving home from a social mixer meant for other people to get hooked up on a saturday night. Maybe if it was monday I wouldn't mind falling asleep behind the wheel, but a Saturday? forget it. [if you couldnt pickup on that sarcasm... you need help]

And speaking of papers, I now know I am not an overachiever. I think I'm not saying anything new here, but my draft that I cranked out an hour before class landed me a preliminary B for content and C for mechanics. I'm sitting here trying to revise it, and I'm like "why am i Stressing over this? it's a b! that's good! I'm fine with a b." So I might fix the mechanics some but I mean, it's a decent paper. What do I need an A for? I'm not stressing. So I'll revise it since that's the assignment, but I'm not "OMG I NEED AN A" stressing. I got a B on a paper I cranked out an hour before class. That's the accomplishment.

Anyways, that's about everything. I have more, but I'll save it for another day.
=) Besides, I think that's long enough, don't you?

Welcome Back, banaf5h3h. I've missed me.

< editor's note: > I KNOW that the singles night/trap paragraph has a ton of sentence fragments in it. I do NOT feel like revising it. Take some of the periods out in your mind and slice them together to form a flowing phrase that isn't stopped short with a period. Thank you. =)

Why the hitchhikers guide is always right:

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9756077/

welcome back

It’s Kind of Awkward Now: So, have you given up on your blog comepletly or are you just on hiatus?
It’s Kind of Awkward Now: if so that's too bad, I like hearing what you think about things
me: thanks
me: i havent had the time or topics to write about
me: well... i've been too frustrated to put things into words
me: i'd log in, and stare at the screen
me: it's funny, because i miss my blog too
me: thanks for noticing i've been gone
It’s Kind of Awkward Now: np, it was like part o my weekly routine to check in on you. ... I usually don't have much to write about either, but that's why I draw stuff
It’s Kind of Awkward Now signed off at 11:33:10 PM.
It’s Kind of Awkward Now signed on at 11:33:51 PM.
It’s Kind of Awkward Now: I thought you blogged to get your frustrations out

falling off the pedestal

i had a wake up call today. i'm not perfect. i met this guy, and he talked me up to a pedestal so much. well he visited me, and he screwed one thing up, but when he asked me about it, the floodgates kinda opened and i looked at everything that went wrong when he visited me. i picked the poor guy apart because i somehow had the right to do it. but i don't. no one does. and he called me on it. so I thank him for reminding me that i'm still a human, and I make mistakes just as much as anyone else... only when i f up, i strike low... and i should have just focused on how he gives the best hugs i've had in a while and how it was nice to see him again.

b

Just Make Me Over!

i am *so* angry right now.
I am going to give the links, and I'll rant about why it's wrong later.

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/347520p-296543c.html
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9397182/

grrrrr

b

Abstinence in the Suburb

You know what feels good?
Being single.
Having fun, meeting people, expanding my social network.

It All Feels Good.

I'm actually learning to have fun.

This is fun, right?

b

Borders Bookstore Man

So, I have a bookclub meeting today at the Borders, and I walk away to try to talk to the manager (who is rather like the wizard of Oz in that he's behind this curtain and no one can talk to him except through intermediate go-betweens)...

Oh yeah, there's this guy who keeps eyeing me. that's sorta important.

anyways I come back to my chair and there's a post-it on my stuff with a phone number on it. So, I faked like I didn't know what it was... I mean, really... Who knows if it was him?

And one of the people I was with in the group said they found it on the ground and put it on my stuff. So... it wasn't him after all. So I tried to find out who it belonged to, and I asked the sound guy for this jazz thing that was setting up and he said, "nope, but I'll take care of it" and crumpled it up & threw it away.

So, Kevin, if that was you...
I did that on purpose.

b, feeling like a cold-hearted bitch

I am not a tootsie roll

So don't lick me to get to my center.

I had a guy try to convince me that I wanted him to go down on me today.
Sample quotes:

"You'd like it."

The others I'd rather not relive.

b

I am a blueberry bagel

So I was starving. Hadn't eaten breakfast. So I get offered a blueberry bagel. So I take the offer, and add a thin layer (well, thin for me, I love cream cheese). Then, the following conversation occurred:

"Thank you for the bagel, it is so fresh and delicious!"
"Just like you"
"Oh, no, I don't get fresh."
"No, I meant delicious."


...

b

Round One

I went to Giant today, and got asked to be a Boxing Ring Card Girl.

I'm actually thinking about it.

In spite of myself, I'm actually thinking about it.

wow.

b

WOW

The most incredulous thing just happened.
Someone told me what to do.
Not in a constructive, "if I was in your situation, I'd..."
Not in response to my asking them for guidance.

Just out of the blue, their opinon of what I should do.

< backstory >
A friend of mine made a comment to me today that I take other people's emotions far too much into consideration to the point where I'm stifling myself when I get frustrated. She suggested that I work on that. She said "You care too much about other people's feelings, that's why they walk over you. We're going to have to work on that. When I get upset about something, I say so. When [boyfriend] pisses me off, I let him know. He might get mad, but that's how I feel. I have to say how I feel."

While I find her method a bit extreme, it still had some validity to it. I do take other people's emotions too much to heart. And I know a number of people who would agree that I let others walk over me. That's part of why I got this blog in the first place, to have an outlet of the frustration that builds from *not* being able to say what I want to [see the very first post].

I just told a friend of mine what she told me about myself, and he responded with "don't listen to her". What a freaking controlling thing to say. I hadn't asked him for his opinion in the matter. I hadn't asked him what he thought. He was one of the people who agreed that I let people walk all over me in the first place. If ANYTHING, he would have been in agreement with her. Again, maybe not to that extreme, but still, what she said has *some* validity. I need to work on not getting walked all over. That includes sticking up for myself. Granted, that includes tact, and diplomacy, but still...

How can you tell me not to listen to someone? And it's not the first time this person has told me not to listen to someone. They told me not to listen to TBF. And I'd already warned them that telling the women in my family what to do does not go down well. We've got a history of dating controlling SOBs who tell us how to run our lives until they're running them themselves, and we just let them cause we dont want to offend them by having our own ideas.

Well, I have my own mind, thank you. I'd like to be trusted enough to use it.

He didnt even ask me what I thought about what she said. He just jumped straight to the conclusion that I'd adopted her words as my new credo, "fuck you, this is how i feel". That's a little too selfish for my taste. He didn't even ask me, "what do you think about what she said?" Had he asked me that, I'd have said "she has a point, but I can't just tell *everyone off*..."

This is all so goddamn ironic.
I'd actually been holding in something HE said to me, that made me feel uncomfortable, trying to figure out how to bring the subject up with tact and diplomacy, since I need to work on that too... and in worrying about it all day today, she picked up on the fact that something was bothering me and said "you worry too much about other people's feelings." That I needed to let it out and let him know how i felt about the potentially touchy subject. And that if he got mad, it's not my fault, because people are entitled to their emotions, even if they're in conflict. BUT then when I saw the opportunity to bring it up tonight, and I did, in my own way, I saw he'd made a decision that made me feel better thus making bringing up the subject completely and risking an argument unneccesary.

So I dropped it. And got to work on forgetting and forgiving.

Then he dropped the "Don't listen to her".

That set me off. Do not tell me who I can and cannot speak or listen to. I'm not in the army and I'm not a pet in obedience school.

Don't give me commands.

Yes, I see the irony in that statement.

Red flag. Red. Flag.

b

I am a Rock. I am an Island

me: otherwise, you're okay?
PianoMan: yes
PianoMan: thanks
PianoMan: and you?
me: no
me: but i will be
me: i'm an emotional wreck that doesnt believe in men anymore
PianoMan: then believe in women
me: tried
PianoMan: you have to pick one
me: i'm definetly a hetero
me: it's just
me: i think that the man that's out there for me isnt here
me: i may need to move to find him, or... better still, may never find him in this world
PianoMan: both are possible
PianoMan: but you have to believe in miracles
PianoMan: through prayer
me: *L*
PianoMan: i'm serious
me: i need to work on myself
PianoMan: maybe
PianoMan: you know better
me: i took this hiatus from men and dating in order to do just that
me: then i ended up almost falling for a guy
me: a frikkin gain
me: but i'm pulling out emotionally before i end up caring too much
PianoMan: i find being alone with oneself helps, to know yourself better
PianoMan: i'm far from it, but i'm working on it
PianoMan: it's going well though
me: =)
me: yeah
me: i just want to build a friend base
me: that's all
me: no intimacy
PianoMan: get involved with the community
PianoMan: service
me: yeah
me: you know, thanks
PianoMan: i'm just trying to give possible answers
me: thanks!
me: seriously, i'd forgotten that completely
PianoMan: try match.com
me: i've just been wallowing in self pity
me: if i try an internet dating service... it'll be eharmony

Lies, Murderball, TBF and ParkPoliceMan

Friday: I lied.
The guard that kinda looks like an overgrown Leprachaun (cute, in a funky way) asked me out and I told him I had a BF. He took it well, and I felt super guilty, but at the same time, i didn't. I mean, saying I have a BF is a quick out, and it can always change later, so it's not bad, but I don't have an answer that says "I don't date co-workers" besides to say that out loud, but I dont want to be rude because then they think you're uppity, and then they won't help me anymore. Anyways, I talked to SciFiGuy and he called me out on my lie. I didn't feel guilty till he called me out. Quote: "You Lied. You don't have a boyfriend. You Lied." So I feel guilty about telling the Leprachaun that, only I dont know how to fix it now. Do I tell him the truth? I dont think so. I think one day, I'll just say "it feels good to be single" and he'll get it. only then he might ask me out again...
Well...

I HATE DATING COWORKERS. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN IT.

I just want contacts. Right now, all I want to do is develop my friend base. Can I do that?

Saw Murderball.
*FINALLY*

It's been two months since TBF and I hung out, and we still haven't really hung out. It's okay. I'm just suffering from TBF withdrawal, that's all.
Anyways, that was friday night. Next up for TBF and I is to see Baxter.
I'm kind of scared to see that movie... cause it pretty much sums up my fear of what would happen if B---- came back into my life. Maybe I'll buck up & see if this movie has any tips for me.

Murderball cemented my desire to reinstate the DC area murderball team.
I'll get to work on that when my schedule gets into it's rhythm.

In other news, ParkPoliceMan and I talked on Saturday. I updated him with all the catcall stories, and he said (I'm skipping a lot) I needed to work on my internal confidence. He said when I get the internal confidence, that's when guys who are trying to get with me will trip before they ask me out, and say something to the effect of "i need to have my sh** straight before I ask this girl out"

That's what I want. I want a man who has got his sh** straight. It's funny, because I told TBF that on friday, that I wanted a guy who had his act together. I guess that that isnt quite fair, since I don't have my act together 100%, but I'm working on it.

What peeves me the most is the guy that gets my attention, promises me alot, fills my head with dreams, gets me to believe him, and then can't back any of it up. No. I take that back. That's a secondary peeve. The primary peeve is a man with no ambition.

That's a waste. You need to have a dream. A dream that I can believe in and help you achieve. But I will not be your motivation. If just wanting to be with me isnt motivation enough to get your act together, don't come around. Don't fill my head with empty promises, cause in the end, you're just like everyone else.

I want that guy, who thinks, "I have to have my sh** together before I can approach her".

That's what I want. 'Cause I'm working on my sh**. You need to be working on yours.

b

it doesnt hurt anymore

You know, throwing yourself at someone, and getting rejected doesnt hurt as much anymore.

Thank, TBF!

what ever happened to...

Does anyone remember silverchair?
What happened to them??

b

puff

I just read that jason mraz is a smoker.

< cries into pillow >

b

10 things i hate about you

So this has been running through my mind, the scene where julia stiles reads the poem. i saw the movie years ago, and that scene and i think two more are the only ones i remember. But that poem has been on my mind, so i found it (well, the entire movie script) online at http://blake.prohosting.com/bamzone/tenthingsIhateaboutyou.txt. I post the cut & pate job below for your enjoyment.


KAT
I hate the way you talk to me/ and the
way you cut your hair/ I hate the way
you drive my car/ I hate it when you
stare.

She pauses, then continues

KAT
(continuing)
I hate your big dumb combat boots/ and
the way you read my mind/ I hate you so
much it makes me sick/ it even makes me
rhyme.

She takes a deep breath, and looks quickly at Patrick, who
stares at the floor.

KAT
(continuing)
I hate the way you're always right/ I
hate it when you lie/ I hate it when you
make me laugh/ even worse when you make
me cry/ I hate it that you're not
around/ and the fact that you didn't
call/ But mostly I hate the way I don '
t hate you/ not even close, not even a
little bit, not even any at all.

She looks directly at Patrick. He looks back this time.
The look they exchange says everything.

Then she walks out of the room The rest of the class remains
in stunned silence.


b

stop this ride i'm getting off

everybody just stop.

Just because I think I might be interested in someone, it does not mean that i'm madly passionately in love and i've taken leave of all my senses.

It just means that I think I might be interested in someone.

leave me the f*ck alone.

I need space

I need to think.

Leave me the f*ck alone.

b

I thought that was what I was doing in the first place...

Datefinder: correction: don't say your single and happy unless you're saying it to a guy you're after, that way you'll appear strong and confident, instead of needy and unsatisfied

I'm single and unhappy

Datefinder: say you've got said "something"
Datefinder: what now?
me: something?
Datefinder: the spark
me: what about it
Datefinder: what do you do once you have it?
me: nothing
Datefinder: no
Datefinder: that is when you do the discover/develop bit
me: no, that is when you run & hide for cover
Datefinder: oh please
me: !!!
Datefinder: this is why your still single
me: i know
me: i'm not complaining!
Datefinder: So what if he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night. But that's just it! That's the problem, because I think we're both doing that "inventing the other person in your head" thing, which bothers me.
Datefinder: not complaining at all
me: what's your point
Datefinder: don't say your single and happy
Datefinder: cuz your not

gloworm, or, I thought the first rule of Fight Club was...

Datefinder: yes, you glow
me: you havent even seen me
me: how do you know i glow
Datefinder: I've seen it
me: oh?
Datefinder: altho I've only seen you at neby and green acre, where everyone tends to glow
me: right, so that really doesnt count
me: besides, how do i glow then
Datefinder: I need to see you not glow
Datefinder: for comparison
Datefinder: :P
me: har
me: okay so define glow
Datefinder: eh? do you not know, or just want my own defintion?
me: your def
Datefinder: "walking on air"
Datefinder: always smiling
Datefinder: someone you can just tell is thinking of something else
Datefinder: something happy
Datefinder: So what if he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night
me: ooh, throwing a quote in my face
Datefinder: I can read the glow from here
me: < rolls eyes >
Datefinder: haha
Datefinder: I'm not totally incompetent
me: i dont mean to imply you are
me: i just dont see the glow is all
Datefinder: the glower rarely does
me: okay if i'm such a glower, how come i havent been nicer to you?
me: how come i'm not all "life is wonderful"?
Datefinder: because your brain and you heart are going in diff directions
me: okay, dr. phil., your turn
Datefinder: ....is the purpose of our relationship to analyze each other?
me: i dont think so
me: but you seem to be on a track, so go ahead
Datefinder: just checking
Datefinder: ok,
Datefinder: it sounds like
Datefinder: you've found someone
Datefinder: so you do all the normal things people do when they've me someone special
Datefinder: but
Datefinder: your afraid of...a lot of things
Datefinder: ie: your practice of sabotaging relationships
Datefinder: so you heart says yes and your brain says no
Datefinder: your heart glows
Datefinder: and your brain denies it
me: go on
me: i accept all you've said so far
me: do you offer a remedy?
Datefinder: ha, well, its all in your head
Datefinder: think you need to figure out what your afraid of
me: i'm scared of... having someone fall in love with me
Datefinder: why on earth could that be bad?
me: because what if i'm not in love with them?
Datefinder: isn't that the purpose of a relationship?
me: to have it be one sided?
Datefinder: to discover or develop love for each other?
me: i'm tired of hurting people
me: a relationship is doomed when it's one sided
Datefinder: well
Datefinder: they often start that way
me: when one person pours all this affection?
Datefinder: eh, maybe not often
me: i mean... i really like this guy back
Datefinder: yeah thats bad
me: but... my head is just saying that it's moving way too fast, or that it's not serious
me: i'm very weary of giving my heart to anyone
Datefinder: your afraid he likes you more
me: i'm afraid he's in love with me
me: and i'm afraid of loving him back
me: and i'm afraid that he's only kidding about being in love with me
me: so then i go and love him
me: and it's all one big joke
Datefinder: why don't you establish where you (<-plural) stand
Datefinder: “because I think we're both doing that "inventing the other person in your head" thing”
Datefinder: clear things up with him
me: i'm too scared to find out what the answer is
me: i'm scared i might actually like him the same amount
Datefinder: do you want to be single forever?
me: no... but
me: but
me: ...
Datefinder: waiting
me: < nothing comes out >
Datefinder: well then
Datefinder: answer that first
me: no
me: no, i do not want to be single forever
Datefinder: just not yet
me: well... there's nothing i want to do that can't be done with a family
Datefinder: you mean your current family? mom dad sis etc
me: i mean a husband and kids
Datefinder: ok
Datefinder: but
me: there's nothing i want to do that can't be done with them... like, you know how people want to travel the globe... that's hard to do with kids
Datefinder: right
Datefinder: but
me: backpacking is easier with one
Datefinder: there's a lot of things that can't be done without them
Datefinder: and it sounds like you want them
me: kids?
Datefinder: the family thing
me: i didn't, but i'm kinda open to the idea of having his
Datefinder: how romantic
Datefinder: but what about him?
Datefinder: is marriage on your list?
me: mariage in general, or specific with him?
Datefinder: in general
me: yes
me: i like the romantic ideal of marriage
Datefinder: ok,
Datefinder: so
Datefinder: this is gonna sound very familiar,
Datefinder: but
Datefinder: are you ready for it?
me: yes and no
Datefinder: ha, perfect
Datefinder: ....how did I know?
Datefinder: spill it
me: the only reason "no" is because i havent finished my degree
me: barring that, yes, i am ready
Datefinder: lol
me: the degree and the desire to live by myself are the only hurdles
Datefinder: I gave you a nearly identical answer to that same question
Datefinder: and you didn't buy it
Datefinder: I think a little less "tough" and a little more "love" are in order
me: like i said, dr phil
Datefinder: so
Datefinder: after all that
Datefinder: we're in the same boat
Datefinder: life is silly
me: if whoever wants to marry me before i graduate, i'm all for it
me: _I_ don't want to get married until i graduate
Datefinder: _I_ dont' want to get married until I'm out on my own
Datefinder: well
Datefinder: I have to go to fight club
me: k.
me: i'll be here when you get back
Datefinder: I shall return

My Jolly Smile

So... today, I took my usual route, and there was a new guard who was trying to not let me in. Then another guard said, "no she's okay. it's okay. you just didn't recognize her because she wasn't smiling."

I thought that was nice.

Then, someone made an observation: "you've been jolly lately"
"jolly?"
"yeah, you've been happy lately, what happened? You have a boyfriend or something?"
"uh, no, no boyfriend."
"oh, I thought you had a man or something, because you've been glowing"
"glowing?? OMG!" I had to laugh at that. Glowing. People, please. There are things I don't do. Glow and Blush are among them. Glowing is for pregnant people.

That was the second reference to a boyfriend today. The first one was when someone heard me answer the phone, "hi, honey". If you know me, you know I answer my phone in one of three ways "hi, honey," "hello?" and "this is banafsheh, how can I help you?"

Anyways, so this guy commented on the "hi honey" and was all, "who was that, your boyfriend?" and I had to say "i dont have a boyfriend." At least this guy was slick and found out that I was single the covert way. He's from... pakistan, i think. He's good people. I'll call him Frozen Justice, cause he's pretty chill. My friend has the hots for him. Either she has the hots for him, or she just thinks he's cute and likes flirting with him. Either way, I'm not really interested in him, although he at least manages to approach me in the right way. Covert. I like covert. The full frontal assaults don't really get me. Anyways, I respect this guy for how he managed to find out I don't have a boyfriend. Good job, Frozen Justice.

b

Spirituality, Religion and My Body

No, this is not a pro-choice post.

I consider myself a Spiritual person. I'm not terribly religious, I'm not completely deepened in my Faith, but I am very Spiritual. I understand that there are two paths in this world, the physical, and the spiritual, and lately, I'm tried to turn from the physical and focus on the spiritual. I wasn't really getting anywhere when I wanted to live life my way, so I've handed the reins over, so to speak, and now I go on Faith.

That said, that does *not* mean that I am not tested to return to the dark side. I've been tested thoroughly today. It's funny. If I chose the physical path, I know of at least 3 people who would be ready and willing to jump my bones. And, if I was that kind of girl, I'd prolly have done that with all three of them by now.

But the reality is, I *choose* the Spiritual Path. I *choose* to supress those physical insincts in favor of the Higher Path that we all ultimately succumb to. But just because I choose to not "give in to temptation" does not mean that I am not just as tempted as the next person. It also doesnt give permission to other people to test me out. That's really cruel.

Lately, people have been pushing my buttons, actively trying to get me to change my mind about certain life choices I have made. I end up being caught somewhere in the middle... Yes, I like the attention, but no, I don't like the sexual nature of the attention. Hearing people just want to have sex with you gets old. What about the people who want to get to know me and care about me?

There must be a way to get nonsexual attention from men.

b

when molesters attack

okay so there's this guy, and i was stepping into an elevator. he asks me how old i am.
"24."
"damn, that's old." Now at this point, he's already lost my attention. Whatever compliment you *thought* you were giving me, you screwed it up completely.
"why, how old did you think i was?"
"17"

THANK GOD the doors closed before I had a chance to say something. I had to take a moment... I mean, I know I look young and all that, but do you realize you just put yourself out there as a pervert? So... you only talk to 17 year olds, you dirty scumbag? FREAKING PERVERT!

Now, everytime he sees me, he says "19, huh?" At least he finally settled on a legal age. I mean, GEEZ. It was getting gross for a while.

Seriously, do men listen to themselves? Do they understand how they make themselves look... like PERVERTS????

And then people wonder why women say they hate men.

b

LET'S GET ONE THING VERY CLEAR

For all those of you who are actively trying to ensnare me into a committed relationship, stop it.

For all those of you who are actively trying to sleep with me without the confines of a committed relationship, stop it.

For whoever is left over that just wants to enjoy my company either on a 1-1 or in a group, this does not apply to you. You're doing fine. Having plutonic and professional fun is great. I know where I stand at all times, and it's clear cut.

As far as the people who want to sleep with me, while i appreciate honesty, there's a point when it becomes crass and disgusting. That is the point where you need to back off. I get the picture. I know what you would do to me if you got the chance. But you're not getting the chance. Leave me the F*CK alone.

Now, for the people who are trying to get me into a committed relationship... Look. I don't know what I want right now. I'm in the process of figuring it out, and that's because I'm finally single. And I *like* being single. I haven't been this single since before I even learned that there was a difference between boys and girls. I'm not saying that you'll never get me into one... I'm just saying that I'm scared of finding mister right. There I said it. I'm scared of finding Mr. Right. Actually, that's not it. I'm scared that... omg, I have no idea how to say this at all. I'm scared that this guy I like likes me way more than I like him, or that he likes me more than I'm allowing myself to like him back... but the reality is that I haven't known him long and while i'm probably reading WAY too much into everything I still have that trusty old firewall up, and I'm scared of hurting him just like i've hurt everyone else. I mean, I have NO IDEA how he REALLY feels about me, and I'm too scared to find out, because what if he *does* like me more than I like him... won't that be awkward? I mean, sure, I can see myself spending my life with him. Yes, I can do that. But I mean, I think he went and started... I mean... well...

I'm still single, aren't I?

Aren't I???

So what if he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night. But that's just it! That's the problem, because I think we're both doing that "inventing the other person in your head" thing, which bothers me. I don't understand any of this. I want this feeling in my stomach to go away. I want to be friends with him until I can figure out what is going on, because honest to God, everything feels like it's moving so fast... it's like a cyclone... One day we're picking out honeymoon destinations, the next day he's looking up housing, and the day after that i'm going out with my friends like nothing happened. This is too much for me. I know that I do NOT want to be someone's girlfriend. I've made that abundantly clear. It's like... its like my heart and body decided that my head screws everything up so it'll make the decisions without it and now my head is like "wait a minute! how did we get here? what happened?" I think my head needs to drive for a while.

I dont want a boyfriend... What the hell is going on?

ParkPolice Man & other news

ParkPoliceMan will be here soon.
It was so cute, he called me to see if I was going to be here while he's working a gig, and I said I would not be, but I think we might actually be able to meet up for 15 minutes or so...

I told him I was hungry and that he should bring me lunch. Then he asked me if I was using him for money and i said "yes now are you bringing me lunch or not?"

He's never called to see if I was going to be here before. I wonder if he's feeling okay. Maybe he wants to tell me about his horse, since he's moving to the mounted police force... Maybe he wants to tell me all about his... shall we say... exploits...

Who knows. I'll send an update if it's good. Most likely he'll spend the entire 15 minutes trying to tell me about myself, or as he sees me. If he even comes within 15 minutes.

Anyways, I'm supposed to go see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory tonight with Kendric. I'm not entirely sure who all is going, or what time, or if we're even still going, but that was the plan.

Tomorrow, mom and I are going to the Native American Powwow at the MCI center. At least, that's the plan. Who knows these days, with these gas prices... Eh, well, that's why there's the Metro.

Yesterday, I helped TBF move... well, he says I helped, but I dont really think I did. Helping is when you move the boxes onto the Uhaul, or off of the Uhaul... I just helped him pack. Maybe I did help just a little, but it didnt feel like much. Then we discussed our wills. There are certain things I want when he dies, and there are things he can have if I die, only I forgot what I told him he could have. I'll prolly call him later so I can remember what it was. I know one was my THX-1138... but I think there was some more stuff. Oh well. I'll remember later.

b

the only exception

me: have you read the blog lately? i need your opinion
TheBesu: not in the past couple of days
me: k, when you read it, lemme know
TheBesu: ok, so my opinion about what?
me: am i insecure or not, or am i justified in saying this is a respect issue
TheBesu: it is, in marriage,yes
me: thank you. my point is specific to the marriage part, or heavy relationship period
TheBesu: there are only a couple of mitigating circumstances though
TheBesu: even a heavy relationship period is not a reason to be upset
me: i just think, when you're married, you're MARRIED, thats when you dont go to nudie bars anymore
TheBesu: right. true
me: that's all i'm saying
TheBesu: unless its a good friends b-day, in which case, i'd invite my wife
me: THANK YOU
me: i love you, besu
TheBesu: if she didn't wanna go, too bad, cause im goin
me: that's fair
TheBesu: for example, my ex-gf got all insecure when i told her i was going
TheBesu: but it was my bro's 30th b-day
TheBesu: so i'm not going to refuse to go
TheBesu: plus, she was only a gf
TheBesu: most belief systems only condemn action within the sanctity of marriage
me: did you invite her, as specified by your earlier im?
TheBesu: she was in nj
TheBesu: not possible
me: all i'm saying is once you're married...
TheBesu: and my brothers both had their gf's
TheBesu: but yeah, marriage + no other circumstances = no strip club
The Besu: marriage + no other circumstances + strip club = disrespect
me: thank you.

It's all in the purpose of the visit

This is something that I've held in for almost three days now... It was one of those "pick your battles" things... and, well, I just can't let it go...

Okay, so I was talking to a friend of mine recently, and the subject of Strip Clubs (ie, men going to them after they're married) came up. I gave my standard answer: If my significant other feels the need to go to a strip club, then I'm either somehow not doing my job, or somethings wrong in the relationship department.

He responded with "that's so insecure! so long as he comes home to you, what difference does it make?"

A BIG difference.

When a dude is single, I can understand going to the nudie bar. I still don't like it on a physical vs spiritual priority level, but I can better understand that as when a guy has a girlfriend or is married. At that point, it becomes a respect issue.

He responded with "a man is always going to look".

WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT EXCUSE IS THAT?!

That really made me mad because it's the equivalent of saying "boys will be boys" which basically means, "let men do what they want, they're never going to change", which is JUST WRONG.

I *understand* that men notice women, the same way women notice men. If *anyone* thinks that just because you're married, that you magically don't appreciate a fine specimen of the opposite sex, they've got another thing coming. I'm not going to magically think that Morris Chestnut isn't hot anymore just cause I'm married. But I'm not going to a strip club to have some guy shake his MagicStick in my face just because of it, either.

There's a difference between *happening* upon someone who is attractive, and *deliberately* going to a place that provides ONE form of entertainment. And *THEN* he had the *NERVE* to say "well, when we go I end up bored anyways"

WTF?! Why are you going then, if it's so all-important, yet such a drag and waste of time and money?

I could understand if it was a party at an ex-girlfriend's house and I got antsy about that and then he called me insecure (he'd better never say that to my face...)and said "remember, i'm coming home to you"; that's justified. 'Cause by then, I'll be his wife and she'll have no chance anyways. Well, she'd better not have a chance...

But this is not the same thing. You're not going to an ex-girlfriend's house for whatever reason, you're going to a topless/nudie bar. It's the purpose of the visit that matters. You're going to *pay money* to have *someone who is not* your wife or girlfriend do God knows what in front of your face.

There is a difference when:
He has a professional relationship with an ex: they went out, but now she's a costumer, and he's a lighting designer, and they're working on the same show. I may not like that he has to go over her house to discuss something, and i might be insecure about that, but that is an example of a time when it would be okay to say "honey, i love YOU. I'm coming home to YOU".

NOT

"hey honey i'm going to look at other women dance slowly in front of me, in various stages of undress. Be home by 3 am."

I don't care how long you've been married. That is *not* okay.
He may as well come out and say "honey, you just don't do it for me."
It's the *purpose behind the visit* that bothers me.

So, yes, I have issues with my future whoever saying "I'm going for a night out with the boys" and ending up at one of those establishments. Yes. It bothers me. No, I'm not insecure about it. What is it that you can find there that you can't find at home? If you have an answer to that question, you shouldnt have married me, and if you don't have an answer to that question, there's no need for you to go.

b, who is all fired up now and has lost complete faith in men's ability to control themselves.

ps, that does not apply to TBF and Poppy, whom I quizzed and both said that I am not insecure and that it is indeed a respect issue. And for the record, TBF and Poppy are two very secure males.

**AURGH!!!**
[ edited to add: What about the whole "forsaking all others" part in the euro-traditional christian wedding? How can you forsake the others when you pay money to see them naked? /end edit ]

Pepper and Paprika

Are gone...

Mom took them to a lady who was suggested by one of the WildLife places she called. Apparently the lady is really nice and even told mom that if I love animals as much as it seemed to her that I did, that I could go there and she'd train me for some kind of Animal Certification.

So that's cool.

Mom left out the part about their names being Pepper and Paprika, so I'm kinda miffed about that. I'll call the lady on monday and inquire about the certification, then ask how the two baby mockingbirds, pepper and paprika are doing.

she needs to know that they were loved enough to already have names, before she names them... tweety or something...

b

i'm having twins

So... we pull into my driveway, and mom goes "what is THAT?!" at this tiny grey mass under a tree. Turns out, it's a baby bird. So I put it in a shoebox, and take it to PetSmart thinking "it's PetSmart. they'll know what to do!"

What I *should* have thought was, "Man, them bamas in Oxon Hill don't know sh*t. Lemme take this bird to Largo or Alexandria."

So... After getting to petsmart in Oxon Hill, I came right back home, where mom informed me there was another one under the tree.

So now there's two. Tentatively, their names are Pepper and Paprika. They're so young, they're just skin, shafts where the feathers should grow in, and beak. I should have named them Seymour and Audrey II, cause all they do is say "FEED ME"...

Anyways, I'm going to try to upload pics of them.

I'm also trying to contact Animal Rescue, or WildLife Societies... Mom said she called, but couldn't find anyone who wanted to take them.

After googling a combination of their features, I found out that Pepper and Paprika are two fledgling Mockingbirds.

The most interesting part to all of this is how Harley pays them no mind. We keep expecting him to go after them, but he doesn't. Last night, he just stared at the box where I've got them. He sleeps close to them, I dont know if he's guarding them for security or for himself to eat later on, like "hey humans, I've got dibs on that"

Who knows with Harley, anways.

Meanwhile, pepper and Paprika are driving mom insane. They're hungry, and when they're hungry, they chirp. I can't help that... When I feed them, they stop and go to sleep. So, I dont know what her issue is.

b, always a mother these days

It turns out to be true

So I was talking with a friend of mine, and she asked why boys don't usually like us smart girls. So I told her, "cause the other girls let them get away with things, and we hold them responsible for their own actions. It takes a special type of man to be able to live with himself and take that."

Then I get home, and I'm talking to a friend of mine, and in the middle of the conversation, he says, "man, I'm going to have to watch what i say around you, cause you hold me responsible for everything I say."

So, it turned out to be true after all.
It freaked me out a little, cause the time between me saying it to her and hearing it from him was just 2 hours.

b, who plans to move to the top of a mountain soon...