quote of the day

"you get distracted by food, cars and members of the opposite sex. you're... a dude."
-Anna

proof

The past couple of days have just reinforced the notion that my feelings are better left between myself and God.

My new life as an introvert begins.

bw

but i'm not sad one bit

I'm addicted to the following shows:
bridezillas
platinum weddings.

Bridezillas makes me laugh and cringe.
Platinum Weddings makes be believe in romance.

Somewhere lies the reality.

I'm terrified of marriage. Everything I see tells me it's possible to make a mistake. I watched the end of the Wedding Singer... I still haven't seen the whole flick...

This post is discombobulated but oh well.

I had my coffee read, and apparently I've already met my future husband.

I've started writing again.

I've started to not rely on my friends being there. I think I might put too much pressure on my friends to be there for me, and I realise that they might not really be there for me at all, so I've pretty much given everyone a free pass out. Those who want to stay have stayed. Everyone else it's like... it wasn't meant to be or maybe they've fulfilled their purpose.

This is tricky because I'm also learning not to boil my friend options down. I pretty much have one social circle. But I'm learning that it's okay to not only have friends outside of that, but also to engage and hang out with those other people on a regular basis.

The catch is knowing who is worth the time and who isn't.

I'm too damn picky.

It's funny; I'm picky with my friends but not picky with my men. I have zero standards when it comes to men... you just have to like me. It's not from desperation... it's from not wanting to be wrong. Like... what if true love was in the [insert string of adjectives here] that I passed on? You never know what form love will take.

So I've been writing and reflecting alot. Anything else you should know? Reconnecting with some people, not forcing some friendships, forging some new ones.

and thinking of all the people who are taller than me that I know.

bwa. haha. ha. hahaha.

bw

for crying out loud

Things happen on God's time.
Not yours, not mine.

God's.

My eggs are not expiring soon.
A husband is not going to magically appear.

If you need to see a wedding, propose to someone yourself.

thing is, though

there's this man. whose going through some stuff. and he pulled me into it, and then... disappeared.
and i cried about it and huffed and puffed and he makes no sense to me and i cried about it some more to his best friend about how he says actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming that he doesnt want me but occasionally he throws me a bone with some words but hates it when i say "you're saying enough just to keep me around" and then his best friend (who sees life the way i do) kind of explained him to me...

"thing is, he's gathering the courage to say the little bits he says. so it's taking him days to say what you need to hear, because he's scared, and then he says it, and the timing's horribly off because of everything that's happened up until that point, but all he can say is what comes out. bad timing and all. then you point out the bad timing by not believing him cause you've got the memories and pain of everything he's not doing, and he retracts further because he may as well not say anything at all."

I sort of understand that. Then I said,
"it's like he's so afraid of hurting me, that he's hurting me."

to which the friend replied, "you just answered your own question about the whole matter right there. you just summed it all."

To which I then review. It doesn't solve all the issues, but it definetly provides a new perspective lens for me to view his actions through.

He wants me to spend the night. There's no way I will, but one night he gave me a hug and i said, "go home" and he said "i *am* home." i rolled my eyes.

maybe i shouldn't have. It's just that he's stuck me so far on the outside to protect me that none of it makes sense. but i think he's responded to the email complaint i sent him, because he's starting to return to the time when he'd tell me about plans or stuff. he's kind of starting to include me... and at first i was like "why is he telling me this stuff that has nothing to do with anything?" then i realised, "oh... he's trying to include me. oh. he's sharing. ooohhhhhhhh. hush up and go with it."

he's trying.
i'm trying.

it's frustrating.

parkpoliceman says i'm stupid for being in this position in the first place. he says if the end result is to get married and pop out his babies, then i should stay. but if that's not what i want, i should move on to a man who can give me what i want when i want it.

this isn't entirely a quote, but it's basically the jist and he did call me stupid for staying. Only I think this paints an unrealistic picture of what a relationship is like. no one is going to give me what i want when i want it unless I pay them and that's just not how i roll. but yeah.

aurgh.

none of this helps.

bw

darn it.

all of a sudden,
not only have i bought a biological clock,
but its alarm, without being set, is ringing.

i want to fall in love, get married, have lots of sex, and even pop out some kids.

what the hell happened to me?
bw

goodbye.

DANIEL BEDINGFIELD
"If You're Not The One"

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

best. weekend. ever.

girl's weekend out.
I was fully prepared for it to suck.

I was not prepared for the "weekend of firsts"

it was mad crazy.

in the end, I learned alot:
how to live in the moment.
how to live without a plan.
how to [edited].
how to let things go.
how to be treated like a lady.
how to demand treatment like a lady and expect nothing less.
how to [edited again].
[just plain edited].


and, after everything,
I'm in like.
And it feels really, really good.
The weird part is, I've no idea how old he is.
But we rock.
Like is good. I like "like."


We'll see. I'm not holding my breath or anything. And, I've got a few loose ends to clean up, like the bear (who has got to go) and the feelings for my exbf that I haven't gotten over yet.

Yes, they're still there. It takes me a while to move past people. I allow them so much into me and my heart that I can't just "move on" at the snap of a finger. But I can't let my fellow mixed scotsman in without letting someone out so I've got to get to steppin on that.

You read me. Mixed Scotsman.
Gor-GEOUS.
I like like.
I'm in like.
I think I'll stay here for a while.
The water's fine.

=)

b, who saw firsthand that everything happens for a reason, and everything works out the way it's supposed to.

here's the thing

I'm depressed.
I'm completely unhappy with my life.
And it's all because I have refused to take the risks necessary towards my happiness... I have been forced to take the happiness out of my life because it's not...
the proper way of doing things.

I'm done with the proper way of doing things.

Kelly and Raymond have worked me pretty hard. They don't know they have, but they have. Raymond had me in tears tonight. Just soul tears; the kind that come when your soul is crying because someone spoke the truth to you and you can't handle it with words... your spirit is responding under all of the sh*t you've buried it under, screaming out in salt water communication: "I'm here. I'm still here, and I'm listening."

Raymond killed me tonight.

And then he hit me with "I love you" and the more he said it, the more I cried.

I'm moving to chicago.

Thought you all should know.

b

why

is it that just because you have a connection with someone
no matter how plutonic
people think there's something going on?


WTF

bw

a poem i wrote last night...

four letter words

love is a four letter word like
shit is and
shit is what you get when
they really want to
fuck you so they
fuck with you until you
feel like
shit
and it's all in the
name of love


see I
love like
fire
doused with alcohol and gasoline and fed dry crisp wood
smother me I dare you for if not
I will consume you
love I love anyway no I will not
fuck you but fuck
with me and I won't know the difference
cause I can't see through
shit.
Not his shit not your shit not the shit of the man whose spot you're standing in not the new shit the kids are slinging these days not old shit not young shit not foreign not homegrown. But
tell me you love me and that shit
sure sounds good to me but
how is it that though
I won't fuck you I somehow
get fucked over by you
is that love or is that the
same old shit
I have been conditioned
to accept shit for love
lesson learned
fuck. shit. love.

b

nope nope and more nope

It's all wrong.
We're both just trying to fill a hole the other person left. That's all it is.
Right?
I have to move on.
With everything.
But the days go by so fast... I blink and it's already friday.
Aurgh.
Some stuff is looking up, though.
I think I was sent a person... a guardian Angel... who is going to help me not bury myself in the depression I feel I'm burying myself in.

I've been loving the wrong person.
I aught to be loving me.

bw

he said he's sorry.

Don't stick me on the outside.
You pulled me out of my comfort zone; it's partially your responsibility to catch me when I fall. Make my trek outside my box a comfortable one, and I'll stay.

Stop inconveniencing the rest of us just because you're stubborn.

Aurgh.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. You know I'll forgive you.

It's uncomfortable for me, when you say things like "I messed up..."
I'm not used to hearing that, and it's awkward and I don't know what to do.

I've never known when to leave a man. My parents never really taught me how to function in relationships, and granted there's not much advice either of them can give me that I'd take without tables of salt. However, Lorraine Hansberry's Raisin in the Sun offered me with advice that I've taken such to heart that I think it's mucked up some breakups, but there it stands:

Child, when do you think is the time
to love somebody the most?
When he's done good and made things
easy for everybody?
That ain't the time at all.
It's when he's at his lowest...
...and he can't believe in himself
because the world's whipped him so!
When you starts measuring somebody...
...measure him right, child.
Measure him right.

There's something about that that has rung so clearly and true straight down to my soul... When a man is at his lowest, that's when he needs love the most.

That's what I do. That's all I know how to do, is love people.
It hurts, but there it is.

Any other ladies reading this, these are your instructions. Love him when he's at his lowest. Like I said, this backfires for me sometimes cause I don't know when to leave well enough alone and walk away.

Well, anyways, my heart's confused enough as it is.

Just thought I'd share. I'm not mad at you. Frustrated, yes; mad, no.

bw

it's not about me

it's not about me.
i know that.
it's not about me.

but it's just one more person leaving.
damnit, ritah.
b

i can tell you what it isn't.

it's not love.
it's me trying to fill the hole that the musician left.

i knew it was too soon.

what am i thinking?

b

On the flipside

I know I've said he's all wrong for me.
But...
He can't have kids and I'm scared to death of pregnancy.

That's a plus.

=)

b

bumper sticker of the day

"if you can read this, introduce yourself."
b

if you love something let it go

it's weird.
i think he knows on one hand if i go, i'm never coming back.
i think he's holding out that what we sort of have is strong enough to pull me back.

he knows better than to ask me to stay. he knows i've wanted this my whole life.

i think he loves me... the way he smiles at me, the way he looks at me, the way he speaks softly to me, the way he remembers everything... i think that's why he gets quiet about me leaving... he let me know in january that if he had his way i'd stay, that his obvious choice if he had a vote is for me to stay, and he knows that if i stayed i'd be miserable.

so in answering his own vote, he wants me to go and live my life of no regrets.

too bad he can't come with me.

he wont help me leave, i know that much. he isn't going to help me research countries, or programs, or certifications. he'll just stand aside while i gather all my data, make a decision and let him know when my plane leaves.

Quietly.

and then he'll drive away, to his home, that he asked me to join, and continue the life he has, without me.

knowing, praying, wishing i'll come back.


That's the movie version. When I come back, he'll have moved on, there will be a woman in my place and no room at the inn for me.

What am I coming back FOR?

b

i hate virginia

hate is a strong word.
i have an aversion to virginia.
it's less than a half-hour's distance, and yet, i rarely, RARELY go there. I've got this allergy to the bridge and 395, it seems.

One of my absolute best friends... scratch that. My absolute best friend lives in Virginia, and I hardly ever see her. This is because my life revolves around work and school, primarily, but it burns my brisket that she's so close and yet I hardly ever see her.

We ought to be hanging out regularly, you know? Proper mates. People would love to be close to their mates, and here I am close to mine and hardly ever see her.

We talked about being roommies, and all the spots I looked at were all around here, in maryland, or a little further south from where I live. This is how lovely she is: she not once said "hey, dipstick, can we look for something a little closer to where MY point of reference is?" Seriously I was not looking in Virginia. But her whole everything is there, her friends, her family... but she didn't let on once. She's a champion.

Here's something slightly related, but not completely directly related to her. Recently, she called me on some shit, and it hurt because I really didnt see what she was talking about. Then, I found myself about to be in a similar situation, and something clicked...

I learned something about myself: I can't hang out. I have to be doing something. So in a way, this friend was right. When she'd say "it's been too long, we have to do something," my instinctive reaction was to say my standard, "I haven't got time." And that blanket statement kind of shut down any future invitations, as I think she was waiting for me to let her know when I was available. In the meantime, other folks were asking me specific things, like "we're going to see X at Y cinema on Z day, want to come?" Most times I'd say, "can't I'm working." Sometimes, I'd go. And while I don't go to all of those either, there was something that I set aside time for to do. Even though I said I wasn't going to last week cause I had to work, I somehow got out early and still made it... but now I digress. When my friends give specific things, I usually make the time to go, if I can. **IF I CAN** Which is still not always, but sometimes, moments come up where I can shift something around for a few hours.

I thought she had her own set of friends that she hung out with, cause the invitations stopped coming. I didn't understand that the invitations had ceased because I'd given a blanket "no." In fact, I hadn't even considered that I'd even given a blanket "no." Now I see why she thought that I was shirking her friendship. I couldn't before, but I do now.

Took me some time, I guess. Now I'm asking her to come to everything I get invited to, and she's telling me no. Maybe one day she'll be able to say yes. That would be lovely.

Ironically, throughout my ranting of the evils of Virginia, Virginia is where we've chosen to go for my birthday. Girls weekend out, nothing but us single ladies, beaches, and trouble. Nothing like historical property to get the girls in trouble, eh?

We'll see.

So back to one of the main points, I'm sorry for having given a blanket statement about my schedule. Took me a bit to realise it, but I'm sorry.

b

one more thing

he sort of asked me to move in with him.

b