Life is Beautiful

I have had the best two weeks ever. Delicious and fun.

I'm having fun!

=)

b

I'm over it

It's funny. I woke up, and I thought to my self,
"You knew he wasn't it for you. Why are you upset that you were right?"

I breathed, and then I felt 75% better.

I'm so much better now.

God created me "Noble," therefore Noble I shall be.


b

Of course he did

Of course he waits until the day after I say he's not coming back and muster all my courage to ATTEMPT to move on to contact me.

Of course he does.

Of course he has a completely civil conversation and tells me he's coming down with a cold.

Of course he does.

Of course he's coming to my job, on the weekend I have to work a show, which I purposefully did NOT work the first weekend for this very reason. Of course he's coming this weekend. The weekend I'm working. And bringing someone I used t ocare very much about until my ex told me the other side to the story and all my notions and love for this friend came crashing down in a few of the worst weeks of my life.

Of course he is.

Of course, now I have to see the both of them, together, and put on a smile which will guard and mask how I truly feel.

Of course I do.

Of course, I will be gorgeous, and hospitable and fabulous.

Of COURSE I WILL.

Shoot, now what do I do?

Everything I'd planned just goes straight out the window.
Regroup, collect, and move forward.

Holy shoot, life just got more exciting!

b

The weekend

The weekend was interesting. A lot happened, much was accomplished, and in the end, I'm not really in a different place now than I was on thursday or friday. It's okay, though.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I do know that the best thing for me right now is to just stand still. Don't rush into anything, don't jump into anything. Just take this time to work on myself. I hate being alone, but maybe that's the best thing for me.

Face your deamons, and all that.

This is hard. It's much harder than I ever thought it would be. It's ridiculously difficult, and that's okay. I have Faith that I am on *a* path. If it ends here, that's okay. If it doesn't, that's okay too. Just stay on it and see where it goes.

One day at a time, and each day is different. Some days, I wake up with all the determination in the world. Some days I wake up and daydream that he'll have worked out his situation and will come back, so we can be great again. Then I have to think about how I can't compete with the real love of his life, and then I remember why we're not together.

It's not enough to want me to be with you. You have to want to be with me as well.
There is a subtle yet distinct difference. It's there, and the less balanced the scale is between the two sentences, the more unhappy the two parties are.

The only consolation I have is that I tried. I gave it my every atom, and it wasn't enough to break the spell. I am not the one for him. That SUCKS to have to admit, especially because I wanted to be, and for a brief, shining moment, I felt like I was. Reality said otherwise, however.

It's not me. I have to learn that in my heart and get over him so I can move on. He's not coming back. So I have to stop looking back.

I have to start looking in.

b

One of these statements is a lie.

You can't cheat when you're single.

I went on a date friday night. For about three hours before I left home, all I could do was feel like I was cheating on my ex. Or the memory of my ex, or something.

I have to let him go. He's not coming back. If he was, he'd have done it already. So, with that in mind, and without turning into the 30 year old depressed single gal, I went on a date.

It was very low-key, I had dinner with a group of people I didn't know, and the best part, it was great. I was completely out of my element, and it was great!

I vow to leave the house more, to meet new people, have new experiences and live more. There are loads of fun to be had outside of my office and house walls.

I will stop waiting for things that will never happen and I will have more fun.

I'm smiling through a broken heart, but I'm still smiling.

Well, a lot has happened.

There's nothing I can say that would make any difference. I've forgotten what this blog is even for, these days you can just tell your friends what you want them to know with a status update.

My life is good. Like anyone, I've seen my fair share of heartache, and I'm still in love with a man I used to be in a relationship with, but that's natural. I'll heal. So will he. There's so much I want to say but he's a private person and I will respect that. The great irony is, I know he loves me, and he knows I love him, but we're not together. I just wish... well, it won't make a difference anyway.

Apart from that, my life is the best it's ever been!

I'll be busy until may directing two plays (one straight play, one musical), work's good, and I've (re)discovered a group of folks I absolutely love hanging out with. Life's lighter around them, not darker. And I definetly want to be in the light.

I hope everyone out there is having a good life. At some point, you have to open yourself up to receive life's blessings. Otherwise, they'll just bounce off of you.

That's all for now.

b

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there lived two people. These two people loved each other very much, went out of their way to see each other, bought each other dinner and unexpected gifts, sacrificed for each other, and were together as much as possible.

Their love was so strong, the townspeople would say, "there is a couple."


Then one day, the Fates sent Timing to test their love.

And Timing was terrible. He kept them apart, and made it so they began breaking promises and engagements with one another. The townspeople began asking, "Where is the other?" and one would respond, "they're busy, they have a lot on their plate." The townspeople would ask pointed questions, such as, "I'm sorry you're ill, what has the other done to comfort you?" and one dutifully responded, "they've been working terrible hours, but they check up on me."

Even with terrible Timing, they still defended each other.

But the Fates were not satisfied, so they brought Doubt. Finally, one turned to the other and said "why have you not come?"

The other was shocked, and must have been hurt (though I don't know) that one would ask such a question. One was not questioning their love, for one felt it still, but one had defended without knowing, and wanted to know. Doubt made one think of the times one saw the other, and Doubt made townspeople ask, "when has the other come to see you? Have they offered to help you?" One always answered, "Timing."

One always chose to remember and keep fresh the memory of the times that one and the other were together, before Timing determined to tear them apart. One always thought of the sacrifices the other had done, and kept those in one's heart against the attacks of the townspeople.

One thought, "Timing is so terrible. I will edradicate his evil plan and put us back together. Surely, Time is more powerful than Timing." So one sought out the other and asked for Time. The other said "Time is money." One said "but if it were not, what could we do?" and The other was silent.

Doubt screamed.

One kept thinking about the good times in defense against Doubt, and one day, one asked again, "where are you?" and surely the other was wounded and hurt by this for the other asked what difference it made, for one was only going to see it through one's eyes. And one was in pain, for all one had done was defend and blame timing, but want to know answers to questions there were not answers for.

But that was not all one had done.

One had held a mirror to the other and said this is not enough. One had praised the other to the townspeople, but such praise had not fallen on the other's ears. One loved the other with everything one could, but Doubt and Timing made one not able to feel the other's love back, and without Communication (who had left due to feeling neglected) one and the other forgot Time heals and forgot to invite Communication back.

One fought Doubt with Memory. One was in the other's place before, and decided to speak up so that the pain and shock would not happen to the other the way it happened to One. One admited to oneself that there is a difference between expectation and reality, and that Happiness exists where expectation and reality are close.

One began to live in their past, and want the past back.

Once upon a time there lived two people who loved each other, but then they began hurting each other, then they stopped talking to one another, then they started taking things personally, and then the hurt went inside and made a home in their heart. And Timing moved on, for Doubt had already so strong a hold Timing wasn't needed anymore.

Doubt made the other feel that one was looking for ways to trap the other in inaction so one could say "Aha! You see? This proves my point!" When one was trying to get the other to see that no game was played. No trap was set.

No trap was needed.

And so one left the other alone.

Once upon a time lived two people who loved each other very much. Do they love each other still?

We shall see.

It's been a while

Long time no see.

I've been living my life in a fog. The fog's finally lifting, and it's a beautiful spot I've been taking residence in all this time, and I never knew.

There are people who left my life. I cared so much about these people, at the expense of self. In the end, not only did these people not see my sacrifice, or my love, but they turned to me and said some variant of "you never cared about me."

After fully digesting this slap in the face, I did what I always do. Pick up the pieces and move on. Only all the pieces I picked up stacked on the pieces I've ever picked up and started to get too heavy.

So I learned one day. Put it all down, and walk away.

It's hard, but it's so much lighter.

I almost got married. He's a great guy, but the reality is... Well, I'll keep the reality to myself.

I'm learning how to live in the moment. Ironic, no? The actress can live in the moment on stage, but not in her own personal life.

I have help. Help has taught me that I've raised myself. Even though I've been surrounded by people my whole life, no one raised me. And that's okay. I mean, it's not okay on some levels, but I mean that I'm at peace with it. It's okay. I'm okay with it. And now that I have that knowledge, it's a piece I can let go of, and move on.

Lighter.

That "reason, season or lifetime" stuff is true. The hard part is knowing when to let the piece you've been holding go. When you recognize why they were there, let the piece go. Be lighter.

Karma's for real. When you sit in yourself, you can't figure stuff out. When you sit in darkness, darkness comes to you. When you sit in the light, good things come to you.

My life has been filled with good things for months now. I have a job in a time where people are losing theirs left and right. That's a blessing. Thank goodness I didn't transfer when I was going to, because the teachers have no work. I'd have been at the end of that line, instead of somewhere near the beginning. I'll stay right where I am, thank you very much. I'll get my certifications while my job doesn't depend on it. Then I'll change jobs.

My theater work is going well, with me on the other side of the table. That's a blessing. My drama classes are amazing. I love the people I work with, and I'm looking forward to the teen initiative we're starting in October. That's a blessing.

We started a "sunday school" with some kids in a neighborhood in Greenbelt. Blessing. It's not religious, but it gives them some crafts, and some lessons in kindness and other virtues. =)

I bought a house! I know the planets had to align to make it possible, but, Thank You, God. =) That's a blessing.

I am learning to love myself. THAT is hard work, but it's such a blessing. I've got so much love to give, and I've been so wrong in how I give it.

Everything is going so well! =)

I'm surrounded by blessings. Even the people in my life are blessings, Beatty & Jevan are the best in my life right now. Kelly's practically my best friend. Eric makes me laugh when I need it. I found my family.

Blessings!!

It's true what they say.

If you love something, let it go.

quote of the day

cire: i'll be back in a bit, go listen to some country or hard rock while i'm gone

me: that's like saying go f* yourself

cire: well, we all get lonely sometimes...

you've got me all wrong

you're wrong about me
I'm not strong
I'm a little girl
waiting at her window
for her father to come
wondering where he's gone
and when he's coming back
who grew into
a big girl
waiting at her window
for her love to come
wondering where he's gone
and when he's coming back

and no one ever has.

Instead of scrapping everything
I'm still waiting at the window

so no
I'm not strong
I'm broken and no one's got the
time or energy
to fix me
even though it's no one's
responsibility
to fix me
but my own.

always bare

i no longer believe in marriage.
on a romantic scale, it's lovely.
in reality, it's crap.

discuss.

b

breathe

i can't breathe.
something is wrong with me and i can't figure it out.
i need to make a dr. appointment.

b

writing clears the mind

at least, it clears mine. the things i put on the page... it's like i've given them to God, and I don't have to worry about them anymore.

so i've put two pages of catching up in my journal.

i went to a slam poetry event last night and started writing the frames of several new poems. they're mostly about my ex, but i'm looking at them as a kind of therapy. i've held alot in for a while, creatively and emotionally, and it's time for me to start healing.

gawking over good looking guys is not healing.

doing stupid stuff to numb the pain is not healing.

it's time to heal, and as it turns out, i've alot to say.

Dear Ritah

They leave... because we want them to stay.

b

I no longer write.

shows shows and more shows

what would i do without raymond?
my shows are over. thank goodness.
now i can redirect my focus on work. and all the work (and no pay) that goes with it.

yee-haw.

what else...

I got precast as amneris.

rock.

Raymond totally took it from me, cause he's all "you're not challenging yourself."

he's right. i'm not. i dont have the time to atm. right now i just need easy fluff that keeps me in the picture and in people's minds and onstage.

so there.

bw

Still alive.

Alot has been going on.
There are things happening I'd love to share here, but can't.

There are opinions I have regarding current state of affairs I'd love to share, but can't.

There are major stressors in life I'd kill to express but can't.

All I can say is I'm still here. Still alive.

Kicking; for I have no choice.

In the grand scheme of things, nothing I complain about is really all that bad. Stressful, yes indeedy, but nothing's majorly bad. Maybe a heartbreak that won't go away (believe me, I've tried) but in all, nothing really to report.

If you called me on a regular basis, you'd already know anyway. :P

In the end, for some reason, I can't escape the feeling that if only I marry a Scotsman, all would be fine.

What is that?

b

bullet point catch up

i'm in a show.
was asked to be in another show.
that's two shows before september ends.
work is crazy: they're changing over the way we do things; doing away with one software in favor of another, more unifying software, but i won't be able to use either for the first week of school and will be flying blind and hate that.
school is crazy: i'm killing myself but it's done.
boys: i'm returning to the old banafsheh. the one where i used to have loads of boys around, but no real prospects. I love that banafsheh. I'm more comfortable being one of the guys.
the corgi and i have assumed roles in our relationship. he's the jet-set husband, i'm the homemaker wife. it works, and it's great to have a place to put that energy again.
no, we're not married. or together. we just... slip into these roles when we're together that he seems to always initiate, like asking me to move in and watch his son while he's gone or *telling* me that he's made me his ICE contact instead of asking me if I'd mind.

that's more than a bullet point.

went on two outings in one day.
the first one... didn't suck but doesn't have the potential the second one does.
the second one impressed me.
alot.
i am game for another outing with him.
soon.
very soon.
he makes me laugh.
and it's been so long since i've laughed. boisterously. without any reservations. disgustingly loud. and it hurt parts of my face i haven't used in forever and it was great.
had different people ask me about or tell me they saw the ex, which ripped a hole in my heart, though i held up well. then, a day after the last person asks me how he's doing, i see him in person. stood five feet away from him for ten minutes and didn't know.
my heart couldn't take it, and mid conversation, i just had to walk away.
God totally tested me. I acted like I was over him, and God just sent out a little reminder that I wasn't.
That sucked.
But I recovered.
Thanks Chicago.
Thanks Homefry.
Thanks Boss.
Thanks Bear.
Thanks Corgi.
Thanks Actor.
Thanks Tech.

For different reasons, but you all remind me I'm awesome until I can remind myself.

had coffee read by someone else. The coffee thinks I'm awesome. I just have to catch up to the coffee.