Tuesday, July 14, 2009

It's been a while

Long time no see.

I've been living my life in a fog. The fog's finally lifting, and it's a beautiful spot I've been taking residence in all this time, and I never knew.

There are people who left my life. I cared so much about these people, at the expense of self. In the end, not only did these people not see my sacrifice, or my love, but they turned to me and said some variant of "you never cared about me."

After fully digesting this slap in the face, I did what I always do. Pick up the pieces and move on. Only all the pieces I picked up stacked on the pieces I've ever picked up and started to get too heavy.

So I learned one day. Put it all down, and walk away.

It's hard, but it's so much lighter.

I almost got married. He's a great guy, but the reality is... Well, I'll keep the reality to myself.

I'm learning how to live in the moment. Ironic, no? The actress can live in the moment on stage, but not in her own personal life.

I have help. Help has taught me that I've raised myself. Even though I've been surrounded by people my whole life, no one raised me. And that's okay. I mean, it's not okay on some levels, but I mean that I'm at peace with it. It's okay. I'm okay with it. And now that I have that knowledge, it's a piece I can let go of, and move on.


That "reason, season or lifetime" stuff is true. The hard part is knowing when to let the piece you've been holding go. When you recognize why they were there, let the piece go. Be lighter.

Karma's for real. When you sit in yourself, you can't figure stuff out. When you sit in darkness, darkness comes to you. When you sit in the light, good things come to you.

My life has been filled with good things for months now. I have a job in a time where people are losing theirs left and right. That's a blessing. Thank goodness I didn't transfer when I was going to, because the teachers have no work. I'd have been at the end of that line, instead of somewhere near the beginning. I'll stay right where I am, thank you very much. I'll get my certifications while my job doesn't depend on it. Then I'll change jobs.

My theater work is going well, with me on the other side of the table. That's a blessing. My drama classes are amazing. I love the people I work with, and I'm looking forward to the teen initiative we're starting in October. That's a blessing.

We started a "sunday school" with some kids in a neighborhood in Greenbelt. Blessing. It's not religious, but it gives them some crafts, and some lessons in kindness and other virtues. =)

I bought a house! I know the planets had to align to make it possible, but, Thank You, God. =) That's a blessing.

I am learning to love myself. THAT is hard work, but it's such a blessing. I've got so much love to give, and I've been so wrong in how I give it.

Everything is going so well! =)

I'm surrounded by blessings. Even the people in my life are blessings, Beatty & Jevan are the best in my life right now. Kelly's practically my best friend. Eric makes me laugh when I need it. I found my family.


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