It's true what they say.

If you love something, let it go.

quote of the day

cire: i'll be back in a bit, go listen to some country or hard rock while i'm gone

me: that's like saying go f* yourself

cire: well, we all get lonely sometimes...

you've got me all wrong

you're wrong about me
I'm not strong
I'm a little girl
waiting at her window
for her father to come
wondering where he's gone
and when he's coming back
who grew into
a big girl
waiting at her window
for her love to come
wondering where he's gone
and when he's coming back

and no one ever has.

Instead of scrapping everything
I'm still waiting at the window

so no
I'm not strong
I'm broken and no one's got the
time or energy
to fix me
even though it's no one's
responsibility
to fix me
but my own.

always bare

i no longer believe in marriage.
on a romantic scale, it's lovely.
in reality, it's crap.

discuss.

b

breathe

i can't breathe.
something is wrong with me and i can't figure it out.
i need to make a dr. appointment.

b

writing clears the mind

at least, it clears mine. the things i put on the page... it's like i've given them to God, and I don't have to worry about them anymore.

so i've put two pages of catching up in my journal.

i went to a slam poetry event last night and started writing the frames of several new poems. they're mostly about my ex, but i'm looking at them as a kind of therapy. i've held alot in for a while, creatively and emotionally, and it's time for me to start healing.

gawking over good looking guys is not healing.

doing stupid stuff to numb the pain is not healing.

it's time to heal, and as it turns out, i've alot to say.

Dear Ritah

They leave... because we want them to stay.

b

I no longer write.

shows shows and more shows

what would i do without raymond?
my shows are over. thank goodness.
now i can redirect my focus on work. and all the work (and no pay) that goes with it.

yee-haw.

what else...

I got precast as amneris.

rock.

Raymond totally took it from me, cause he's all "you're not challenging yourself."

he's right. i'm not. i dont have the time to atm. right now i just need easy fluff that keeps me in the picture and in people's minds and onstage.

so there.

bw

Still alive.

Alot has been going on.
There are things happening I'd love to share here, but can't.

There are opinions I have regarding current state of affairs I'd love to share, but can't.

There are major stressors in life I'd kill to express but can't.

All I can say is I'm still here. Still alive.

Kicking; for I have no choice.

In the grand scheme of things, nothing I complain about is really all that bad. Stressful, yes indeedy, but nothing's majorly bad. Maybe a heartbreak that won't go away (believe me, I've tried) but in all, nothing really to report.

If you called me on a regular basis, you'd already know anyway. :P

In the end, for some reason, I can't escape the feeling that if only I marry a Scotsman, all would be fine.

What is that?

b

bullet point catch up

i'm in a show.
was asked to be in another show.
that's two shows before september ends.
work is crazy: they're changing over the way we do things; doing away with one software in favor of another, more unifying software, but i won't be able to use either for the first week of school and will be flying blind and hate that.
school is crazy: i'm killing myself but it's done.
boys: i'm returning to the old banafsheh. the one where i used to have loads of boys around, but no real prospects. I love that banafsheh. I'm more comfortable being one of the guys.
the corgi and i have assumed roles in our relationship. he's the jet-set husband, i'm the homemaker wife. it works, and it's great to have a place to put that energy again.
no, we're not married. or together. we just... slip into these roles when we're together that he seems to always initiate, like asking me to move in and watch his son while he's gone or *telling* me that he's made me his ICE contact instead of asking me if I'd mind.

that's more than a bullet point.

went on two outings in one day.
the first one... didn't suck but doesn't have the potential the second one does.
the second one impressed me.
alot.
i am game for another outing with him.
soon.
very soon.
he makes me laugh.
and it's been so long since i've laughed. boisterously. without any reservations. disgustingly loud. and it hurt parts of my face i haven't used in forever and it was great.
had different people ask me about or tell me they saw the ex, which ripped a hole in my heart, though i held up well. then, a day after the last person asks me how he's doing, i see him in person. stood five feet away from him for ten minutes and didn't know.
my heart couldn't take it, and mid conversation, i just had to walk away.
God totally tested me. I acted like I was over him, and God just sent out a little reminder that I wasn't.
That sucked.
But I recovered.
Thanks Chicago.
Thanks Homefry.
Thanks Boss.
Thanks Bear.
Thanks Corgi.
Thanks Actor.
Thanks Tech.

For different reasons, but you all remind me I'm awesome until I can remind myself.

had coffee read by someone else. The coffee thinks I'm awesome. I just have to catch up to the coffee.

quote of the day

"you get distracted by food, cars and members of the opposite sex. you're... a dude."
-Anna

proof

The past couple of days have just reinforced the notion that my feelings are better left between myself and God.

My new life as an introvert begins.

bw

but i'm not sad one bit

I'm addicted to the following shows:
bridezillas
platinum weddings.

Bridezillas makes me laugh and cringe.
Platinum Weddings makes be believe in romance.

Somewhere lies the reality.

I'm terrified of marriage. Everything I see tells me it's possible to make a mistake. I watched the end of the Wedding Singer... I still haven't seen the whole flick...

This post is discombobulated but oh well.

I had my coffee read, and apparently I've already met my future husband.

I've started writing again.

I've started to not rely on my friends being there. I think I might put too much pressure on my friends to be there for me, and I realise that they might not really be there for me at all, so I've pretty much given everyone a free pass out. Those who want to stay have stayed. Everyone else it's like... it wasn't meant to be or maybe they've fulfilled their purpose.

This is tricky because I'm also learning not to boil my friend options down. I pretty much have one social circle. But I'm learning that it's okay to not only have friends outside of that, but also to engage and hang out with those other people on a regular basis.

The catch is knowing who is worth the time and who isn't.

I'm too damn picky.

It's funny; I'm picky with my friends but not picky with my men. I have zero standards when it comes to men... you just have to like me. It's not from desperation... it's from not wanting to be wrong. Like... what if true love was in the [insert string of adjectives here] that I passed on? You never know what form love will take.

So I've been writing and reflecting alot. Anything else you should know? Reconnecting with some people, not forcing some friendships, forging some new ones.

and thinking of all the people who are taller than me that I know.

bwa. haha. ha. hahaha.

bw

for crying out loud

Things happen on God's time.
Not yours, not mine.

God's.

My eggs are not expiring soon.
A husband is not going to magically appear.

If you need to see a wedding, propose to someone yourself.

thing is, though

there's this man. whose going through some stuff. and he pulled me into it, and then... disappeared.
and i cried about it and huffed and puffed and he makes no sense to me and i cried about it some more to his best friend about how he says actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming that he doesnt want me but occasionally he throws me a bone with some words but hates it when i say "you're saying enough just to keep me around" and then his best friend (who sees life the way i do) kind of explained him to me...

"thing is, he's gathering the courage to say the little bits he says. so it's taking him days to say what you need to hear, because he's scared, and then he says it, and the timing's horribly off because of everything that's happened up until that point, but all he can say is what comes out. bad timing and all. then you point out the bad timing by not believing him cause you've got the memories and pain of everything he's not doing, and he retracts further because he may as well not say anything at all."

I sort of understand that. Then I said,
"it's like he's so afraid of hurting me, that he's hurting me."

to which the friend replied, "you just answered your own question about the whole matter right there. you just summed it all."

To which I then review. It doesn't solve all the issues, but it definetly provides a new perspective lens for me to view his actions through.

He wants me to spend the night. There's no way I will, but one night he gave me a hug and i said, "go home" and he said "i *am* home." i rolled my eyes.

maybe i shouldn't have. It's just that he's stuck me so far on the outside to protect me that none of it makes sense. but i think he's responded to the email complaint i sent him, because he's starting to return to the time when he'd tell me about plans or stuff. he's kind of starting to include me... and at first i was like "why is he telling me this stuff that has nothing to do with anything?" then i realised, "oh... he's trying to include me. oh. he's sharing. ooohhhhhhhh. hush up and go with it."

he's trying.
i'm trying.

it's frustrating.

parkpoliceman says i'm stupid for being in this position in the first place. he says if the end result is to get married and pop out his babies, then i should stay. but if that's not what i want, i should move on to a man who can give me what i want when i want it.

this isn't entirely a quote, but it's basically the jist and he did call me stupid for staying. Only I think this paints an unrealistic picture of what a relationship is like. no one is going to give me what i want when i want it unless I pay them and that's just not how i roll. but yeah.

aurgh.

none of this helps.

bw

darn it.

all of a sudden,
not only have i bought a biological clock,
but its alarm, without being set, is ringing.

i want to fall in love, get married, have lots of sex, and even pop out some kids.

what the hell happened to me?
bw

goodbye.

DANIEL BEDINGFIELD
"If You're Not The One"

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

best. weekend. ever.

girl's weekend out.
I was fully prepared for it to suck.

I was not prepared for the "weekend of firsts"

it was mad crazy.

in the end, I learned alot:
how to live in the moment.
how to live without a plan.
how to [edited].
how to let things go.
how to be treated like a lady.
how to demand treatment like a lady and expect nothing less.
how to [edited again].
[just plain edited].


and, after everything,
I'm in like.
And it feels really, really good.
The weird part is, I've no idea how old he is.
But we rock.
Like is good. I like "like."


We'll see. I'm not holding my breath or anything. And, I've got a few loose ends to clean up, like the bear (who has got to go) and the feelings for my exbf that I haven't gotten over yet.

Yes, they're still there. It takes me a while to move past people. I allow them so much into me and my heart that I can't just "move on" at the snap of a finger. But I can't let my fellow mixed scotsman in without letting someone out so I've got to get to steppin on that.

You read me. Mixed Scotsman.
Gor-GEOUS.
I like like.
I'm in like.
I think I'll stay here for a while.
The water's fine.

=)

b, who saw firsthand that everything happens for a reason, and everything works out the way it's supposed to.

here's the thing

I'm depressed.
I'm completely unhappy with my life.
And it's all because I have refused to take the risks necessary towards my happiness... I have been forced to take the happiness out of my life because it's not...
the proper way of doing things.

I'm done with the proper way of doing things.

Kelly and Raymond have worked me pretty hard. They don't know they have, but they have. Raymond had me in tears tonight. Just soul tears; the kind that come when your soul is crying because someone spoke the truth to you and you can't handle it with words... your spirit is responding under all of the sh*t you've buried it under, screaming out in salt water communication: "I'm here. I'm still here, and I'm listening."

Raymond killed me tonight.

And then he hit me with "I love you" and the more he said it, the more I cried.

I'm moving to chicago.

Thought you all should know.

b