Sunday, January 15, 2012

Cultural entrapments of the tired insomiac

I am an American. Worse, I'm bi-racial. Even worse, still, I'm bi-ethnic. The absolute worst thing? I'm bi-cultural.

And I don't want to be.

I've toted the line, growing up Persian in a Black environment, fitting in where I can, picking and choosing the roles, rules, mores and fores as each situation presents itself, and thorougly driving myself slowly insane.

You see, I have been taken advantage of, in the name of culture. For 30 years, I have given everything I have in the name of obedience, and being a "good girl." I gave up on my dreams, convinced myself I couldnt have my own life, and didn't know what it was like to think for myself, and I was such a "good girl."

Now, it's 2:15 pm on a Monday morning, and I can't sleep because of all the things going on inside my head. I let other people rule me for so long, that now, when I speak up for myself, the ex-rulers can't even give me credit for my thoughts; they assume someone else put them there.

How offensive is that?

I don't have a family. I have selfish people who only care what the outside world thinks of them. As long as their public persona is perfect, they can be rude, mean and nasty to me and the people I care about behind closed doors.

This is ridiculous. I'm not playing by anyone's rules but my own at this point, and it's just a matter of learning how to continue from here. I'm sure I'll make some mistakes, even some serious ones, but hopefully I'll learn from them, bounce back, and KEEP IT MOVING.



not2complain said...

Don't know if this is helpful, but, from my own thoughts...the internet has changed a lot of people, good or bad. Even though almost everything is allowed, it is not profitable for one to do it. Every action has a reaction, so being a little careful in what you say and do online is just a good idea. Good luck in your endeavors and hang in there.

Hannah said...

I agree! Keep on moving! And keep your chin up too!

jerzey72 said...

your gonna be alright !!!