when men lie pt deux

Chapter one: The Court in the Green Castle

Once upon a time in a faraway land, with trees, and rivers, and deer, there lived a young maiden. She wasn't as beautiful as the Princesses of the land, and no courtier was courting her for she lived to the south, far from the court in the Green Castle, in a fortress for her family were guardians. While she may not have had the advantages of living in the court, her life in the south was not bad, for she learned hard work, and the value of friendship, honesty, trust, and loyalty. Although her friends were few, they were true.

One day, the court threw a ball in the midst of a planned three day celebration. It was time for feasting, and rejoicing and the giving of thanks. One of the Princesses had two courtiers, and all the invited people of the Kingdom were coming to see how things would play out between them. The maiden steered clear of both courtiers, but remained polite to everyone. Then that night one of the courtiers revealed the nature of his heart to her, and she listened, for she was a guardian, as he told her the lamentation of his true desire, to be with the Princess, and how he felt forsaken in favor of the other suitor. The next day, the other courtier approached the maiden and revealed the nature of his heart to her as well. She wondered why everyone chose to reveal to her, because she lived so far away from the castle and really had nothing to do with anything there, but perhaps this is why people chose to trust her, and after all, she *is* a guardian.

The courtier told her of his plan to woo the Princess, and that he realized that his wooing for the sake of potential was not as strong as the love of the broken hearted suitor, and had laid his claim aside in the favor of love. The Princess spoke to the maiden, and asked her opinion. The maiden was really confused, for three people (one of whom she'd never seen in her life before, for he was from a part of the land to the west, where no trees grow) were revealing their hearts to her. So she told the Princess as much as she could, not revealing what the courtiers had said, but reiterating that the one had been in love with her his entire life, and that it was not only obvious to all at court, but to those in her part of the forested fortress to the south as well. The Princess realized her true love, and they lived happily ever after.

Chapter two: The Pond

The courtier who gallantly laid his claim aside in favor of love began to call the maiden, immediately arousing suspicion in the fortress. But the maiden did not love the courtier, and so they remained friends. One day, the courtier was rejoicing in a nearby part of the kingdom when he invited the maiden to join him. This time, he told the maiden of a special pond in the land without trees where the animals could speak.

One day, the maiden followed the clues the courtier gave her, and made her way west, to the land without trees. It was very difficult for her, for she had lived in woods with lush greens and browns, where the horizon was a carpet for the sky, and the further she went, the less of her home she saw. Everything was flat, and one could see for miles across the landscape. There were hardly any trees. The land was appropriately named. Finally, she came to the special pond. It was beautiful. Like the desert oases she read about in books, she imagined she was at one now. It even had a fountain in the middle, circulating air to the fish who jumped and danced before the other animals. She had found them on a day of a great month-long festival, and was so caught up in the amazement, she missed the frog who was trying to get her attention. The frog knew many of the people there, and told her that he very much wanted her to meet his friend the turtle, who lived in his part of the pond, and that she could stay in their part of the pond during the entire festival. The frog decided that the maiden and the turtle should be as good friends as the frog was with everyone. But the maiden thought that the turtle was quiet, and didn't really like her. The frog visited her every day with stories about his day at the festival, but the turtle never did. In fact, the turtle didnt visit her at all, while the frong was there every day. So the maiden just assumed that he really didn't like her as much as the frog said he did. That was okay, and she still liked him for being a turtle, but she'd told herself a long time ago that she wouldn't let herself like anyone that didn't like her back so that was that. But she started to notice that the frog kept getting into all sorts of trouble, and the turtle didn't. But the frog always told her how kind she was, and the turtle didn't. And she liked to hear nice things, so she started listening to the frog, and told the frog all about how she missed how her old suitors used to bring flowers to her. The frog and the maiden became fast friends.

One day, she was sad, because it was nearly her turn to throw a fete for the festival, and she didn't know how. So the frog told her of a secret stash that only he knew about in the pond's bog beneath the birch tree. He told her it held lots of money, and that he could get it for her if she wanted. The frog told her that she was a very special person, and that he liked to help special people. One day when he visited he was very drunk and said some very honest things, but they agreed that they'd never talk about that again because the maiden was beginning to get very confused.

One day, the turtle finally came to visit. He had a lot to say, because he had taken a long time to cross from his side of the pond to where she was staying. She realized that she had been comparing the frog to the turtle, and she felt awful for doing that. She realized that the frog was always there because he could cover farther distances in one jump than the turtle could, and that the frog was always talking, but that the turtle took longer to say something because he was observing more, and that when he decided to say something it was usually more important.

One day the turtle came to visit, and she realized that it was very special because it must have taken him all day to cross to her side of the pond, and she paid close attention to what he had to say. She also learned that the turtle didn't visit her as often not because he didn't want to, but because he wasn't as able to as the frog seemed to be. Because he was a turtle, he took longer to decide things. He didnt jump ahead like his friend the frog, he watched, and gathered information before deciding who he could trust, and had decided that he could trust the maiden. So he told her about his secret stash in the bog beneath the birch tree, into which he placed one gold coin into whenever he could. Immediately, the maiden felt awful. This was the same stash that she almost used to fund her part of the fete! She was torn. How could she use the money as the frog's gift if the money was really the turtles'?

But the turtle had more. He'd brought her a present. A lily from the pond. It was beautiful, and she loved it very much. They sat on the bank of the pond and had a lovely conversation. And when it was almost time for the sun to set, the turtle set out for his home, so that he could get there in time before the moon came up. Once he was out of earshot, the frog bounded in. "You're welcome for your lily, maiden," the frog croaked. "But the turtle gave me the lily," responded the maiden, wondering why the frog said such a thing. "Only because I told him to. I knew how much you wanted them, so I had him get it for you."

Now the maiden was very confused. She liked the turtle, but if the turtle's gifts were truly sent from the frog, who was courting the maiden? Then one day, she decided to go home. She stopped by the turtle's house and invited him to visit her part of the kingdom whenever he liked. The frog bounded over, hurt, because he hadn't been invited, but the maiden wasn't courting the frog, and thought that in time the frog might be able to see that. On her way home, she realized that the frog was using the turtle as an excuse to keep her near the pond, because he... but she promised she would never speak of that again.

She was glad that the turtle accepted her invitation, and also knew that it would take him a long time to get there. But then she thought about the frog, and how the frog had offered her many a time to use his enchanted ring, which could take you anywhere you wanted to go, and had even said he would use it to visit her. She wished that the frog would let the turtle use the magic ring, so that he could visit sooner, but thought that if they were great friends, the frog would offer, and she wouldnt have to ask to use something that wasn't hers for someone else. but the frog never offered, and the maiden decided to wait for the turtle to do things his way, which was probably for the best. But, she thought, if you truly like helping people, why wouldnt you if you really could? So she wondered about the frog, and if what he said was true, or if he really did have a magic ring, or if he really did want the turtle and the maiden to be friends, or was that only so the maiden would be around the pond more so that the frog could visit her... But the turtle had given her hope that everything was going to be alright in the end, so she learned to put things from her mind, little by little.

And even though the turtle still doesn't say much, the maiden learned to appreciate him for being a turtle, and for being so wise. And she tried very hard not to doubt if he took a long time to get somewhere, because even though she didn't know it, he really was doing the best that he could.

And their story hasn't been written yet.

b

when men lie pt I

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure that if you read any thing inside of quotation marks, it's not a direct quote.

There's a guy I know.
He took a chance one day & told me he liked me. I don't feel the same way about him.
That SHOULD have been the end.
But it wasn't.
He then sent me the longest emails I've ever seen. Personal feelings I didn't need to know about. It made me uncomfortable. I'd say so. He'd seem to get it, lay off, and then start back up.

I saw that he didn't get it.

It got bad... it got to the point where I was avoiding the internet for the inability to function after reading one of his emails. They were and are so stressful that I'd actually be affected enough not to properly function.

Then finally I had enough.

Three days ago, he sent an email saying that he would never email me again.
I was elated.
Yesterday, he sent another one.

So in the last two emails, he mentioned something like how I should look at why he manages to get under my skin, insinuating that perhaps I have some affection after all. He alluded to this twice. In the "last" email, and in the actual last email.

His lack of self control only supports my belief that he lies, and he has the BIGGEST EGO I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A PERSON.
He can't even tell me he's not going to email me again without renigging on it two days later. When I call him on his possessive stuff, he backs down and takes a day to change tactics.

I tell him he makes me uncomfortable, and that his "supportive" comments backfired because they make me uncomfortable.

BACK IN APRIL he said he was going to stop reading my blog. I actually believe that for a while, he did. But then, I took May off from the internet (because of him) and now we're in June, so his attention span must've run out or something because he read the post I wrote about the new guy sending me the text messages and how I thought they were cute because he sent me an instant message a few days later bright & early in the morning saying (this is a near if not direct quote) "Good morning sunchine! I know I'm copying the text messages, but I don't care. I'm in a good mood. Good morning Sunshine!"

This had to be the last straw. Even the TextMessageMan (heretofore known as TMM) only sent me TWO text messages. TWO. When I didn't respond, he STOPPED SENDING THEM. He tried, he tried again because maybe I didn't see the first one, or maybe alot of things, and when I didn't respond *again*, he STOPPED.

Good guy.

This guy... This guy is so wrapped up in his own ego, he doesn't even care about how what he does affects me. If he did, he wouldn't do them. I've told him that his comments have an adverse effect on me, and yet, there he is, lamenting again. Or asking me what others have that he hasn't. Well a sense of when to shut the fuck up, for one. I should not be the receiver of ANY of these emails! That's what your friends are for! But he goes on, "you met this guy and you agreed to marry him? well, I have a cute little sister! and my mom can knit, too!"

And it's not a competition because I still dont care!

It all started when I had this idea for a magazine. Stemming from that, I had an idea for a place where writers could work on their art... like an electronic version of what the Harlem Renaissance poets used to do. They used to build up works, tear down works, challenge the author's medium, purpose, voice... and we read their legacy to our children. He offered his services as a webmaster, and we got to work on the site. I named it for the magazine I eventually want it to become, nabbing the url before anyone else, and we discussed what it should do, and how it should be partitioned, or whatever it's called.

Point is, he wasn't helping me because he was believed in the idea. Maybe he did, to a small extent. What he was really doing was helping me so that he could get in with me, closer to me, etc. Feel better about himself because "look at what I do for her. She needs me."

That's fucking ego.
The "what's he got that I haven't" is ego, the "do you see me as just a programmer?" that's ego. The fact that he cant even STAY AWAY FROM ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT YOU DISTURB ME AND THAT I CANNOT BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU WITHOUT A BUFFER... is ego.

I'd expect if I told him that, he'd send me another email asking me to look into MYSELF about why that is. Oh wait, he already has.

Or that he sends emails (that I dont respond to) continuing a conversation that he's having with me in HIS HEAD since I am not participating in any way, and then sends me the responses (again, pages long) replying to things he either assumes I would have said, or believes me to have said. One such email begins, (quote) "You're right, I'm too clingy." I have NEVER said that to him. He sent me one-sided emails for about a month, continuing a conversation I never had. Ego. You don't know what I would say. Where do you get off, really?!

WTF? Who cares WHY you make me uncomfortable, YOU DO. End of story. Maybe it's that you keep coming to ME with all your troubles ABOUT ME. Who does that? Do you not have friends you can lament to? I tell you you make me uncomfortable, and you send me poems about what a poem to me would look like?

And you want me to look at MYSELF?

LOOK AT YOU!!!

You sign off emails "< name >, #1 fan, #15 guy"

Another sign of ego. You have no idea who my number one fan is. My number one fan wants what's best for ME. Not what's best for me as HE sees it, or himself being what's best for me. And don't assume you know where you are on the list. Yes, there was a point where there were multiple people on the list, and that was stress in itself, cause I was like "where the heck did all these people come from and why the hell did they all decide to like me, and ooh, who is the tall one?" But you have NO IDEA where you are on the list. But I'll help you out with that.

You're not on it. Period.

Oh! I almost forgot! the part where he threatens to take his code from my site. If what? If I don't go out with you? Do you listen to yourself? How threatening and MANIPULATIVE and childish is that? And then (pure example of how he retracts things to make them "better" not realizing how exactly he's incriminating himself... says "I was just saying that you have no leverage." Oh? That statement made me laugh the hardest. Because I do, and I'm too nice to use it, and too smart to write it here. It also ties into my next post: When Men Lie, pt II, but I'll leave it off for now.

Anyways, for so long I wanted to scream, "get over me!"
Now, I find, I want to scream, "get over YOURSELF!"

Thank you, this has been most cathartic.

b

but the fing is

so remember the weird feeling I had that I'd just attributed to 500 calories a day?
Turns out it's a symptom...

of bronchitis. Not eating, fever... etc. So today I was diagnosed with the lung-battling beastly bacteria... only I've got the virus so I contracted the vicious virulent no good very bad bacteria.

fing is, every one was dropping out (and by everyone, I mean two people)... but these people are two of the three most important people of my life... the other one was like YOU ARE GOING NO MATTER WHAT...

keeping my spirits up and stuff...

turns out it was meant to be, cause had I gone, as I'm sure God knew I would have (and am still stubbornly contemplating... I could be better by Saturday! You don't know!) I'd probably be in much more of a world of hurt than I am now... home... off from work until after the holiday... "resting".

wtf is this "resting??"

Anyways, so a sign was probably that people couldnt go so that I could actually go to the dr's and not die in the wave pool from lack of oxygen & exhaustion or something.

Whatever.

More posts to include: "when men lie" parts I & II!!!!

I just need to finish figuring out how to protect everyone's identity first.

b

and yet... somehow

So, I'm going to Kings Dominion on July 01. Regardless of anything else I have to do that weekend, that is a definite. On July first, I will be making the hour-long trek from my home, caravan style, to the land of rollercoasters and wave pools. Theme park, here I come.

Prior to this event, I stressed mildly on getting a new bathing suit. The one I wanted was a white Victoria Secret bandau bikini with a floral design off-center that gets picked up again on the bikini bottom. All told, it would be 80$, before shipping. Then I went to buy it, and the top was backordered till the 2nd, and the bottom until August, neither of which helps me in anyway. Then I saw a really nice blue rutched skirt bandau bikini at macy's (.com), and that was about 60$. So we're going the right way, pricewise... anyways last Friday, Yang & I went shopping at Target, and I ended up with a green triangle top bikini with a belted bottom. It's very James Bond. I'm deathly afraid of the traingle/halter top... cause... well... I'm flat chested, and those only make me look more flat. I got one from the Gap (.com) last year because the model wearing it was flat and I thought "hey, she's small, it'll look like that on me! Great!"

Not so much. So I wore it once to go swimming, like an idiot, and now I can't return it. So it lives in my drawer, with the other suits I won't wear, and I became very weary of the halter. I figured I'd be good with the bandau. Cuts straight across, no worry about what the cleavage looks like.

Oh well.

So then I'm looking in the mirror thinking, "ugh, my god... it looks bad" and thanking goodness that I hadn't waited until just then to start my regiment of working out. Now we get to the point of the post.

In addition to working out, I decided to drop from a 2k calorie diet to a 1500 calorie diet just to help out with the fat burning a little. Only thing is, for the past few days I'd been feeling weird, which I'd just attributed to the heat, my crazy headaches when it's about to rain, and the fact that the threat of rain has been omnipresent for a long time, with thunderstorms happening at on a regular basis now.

Sidenote: Storm all you want now. I'd better have clear skies on July 01. Get it all out the way now, bitches.

Anyways... this morning it occured to me that I haven't had dinner for practically a week. Therefore I've blown my dietary restrictions by 1k... if you consider the 150 calories I have with my yogurt for breakfast, and the 270 calorie lunch I had... At most I've been consuming 500 calories a day. If I had a smoothie, the most I've had were 1200 calories... but even then, it's only a day. I've been doing this for about three weeks.

So yeah, at most I've had about 5-700 calories per day for about three weeks.

That's not good. At all. No wonder my body's screwed up.

But, how come I've only lost 5 lbs?!

f it all

Nevermind.
I think I've regained my senses.
Everyone's different.
Some people are silent.
I can respect that.
I have to learn to take people at their word.
Maybe this is just a testament to my own underlying feelings of "what the heck would anyone see in me? I'm BORING"
I will learn much from this experience if I just learn to stop overanalyzing & just ride the wave.
Which is what everyone tells me to do.
Which is damn near impossible. My brain doesnt function on "experience."
My brain functions on "analyze."

Okay. I'm okay now.

b

World Refugee Day

According to msn.com, today was/is for another few hours World Refugee Day. As I browse through the associated link, I keep asking myself, "why does this exist?"

Not on an intellectual level, mind you, I get that a refugee is a displaced person seeking "refuge" from their homeland for whatever reason (usually persecution of some sort, often times famine). I ask myself on an emotional level. There's pictures of kids crying, tent cities, Albanian men jumping off deportation ships after being denied asylum... braving currents and bullets rather than being sent back... A Rwandans' mutilated faces framing the largest eyes I've ever seen, faces hardened by war, women setting laundry to dry on chicken wire encampments, pictures of children jumping rope - some being children, some having fun, some looking at them as if it's sacreligious... those I worry about. The children who grow up too fast.

They have a special place in my heart.

Elsalvadorian families taking refuge in cemetaries...

What kind of life did they have where the only course of action was to leave? What country would allow such a hardship to exist? What country still cares about its compatriots?

What happens to a person to make them leave the only home they've ever known and step into the unknown? Will a host country adopt them? Will they be sent back? What are the repurcussions of either action? The will of these people is strong.

In their eyes shine hope and fear, and yet, steel resolve.

God bless them.

b

When cats get their own TV shows.

http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=16271bce-1e7a-4216-b4a0-c6adf29ce67f&f=msn-l&fg=copy

It's true. Cats now have their own reality tv series airing on the Animal Planet. They took 10 orphaned cats and stuck them in this high end apartment on Madison Avenue, like The Real World, but then they have them taking tests like in Survivor, and the winner gets an endorsement deal with Purina or something, like in The Apprentice.

I mean, I'm all for animals & stuff, but there are people starving in the world. The endorsements alone that cover the expenses... Can't we send them to some nation? or how about the homeless shelters here in the US? How about disease research? How about local public schools?

Don't call me a cat hater. I have a cat. I have a hilarious cat. I love my cat. But this, this is taking it too far. This is an example of an acute displacement of wealth in America. We have so much of it now, we can fund ten cats? And not just anywhere, but Madison Avenue in NYC? Isn't NYC the city where the teacher created the assistance program 'cause he had no supplies? I'd be furious to know that my students come to school every day missing paper, or pencils, or that I don't have a projector because my class can't aford one, or they're cutting back arts programs in favor of math and science because we all know that music and drawing have nothing to do with math. Fractions have nothing to do with scales. Nothing.

God, this kind of shishi crap just IRRITATES ME. Here's an idea, let's take all that money, from the endorsements, from the airtime, from the hotel or apartment... let's put it back INTO something. Give it to the SCPCA and have them have a spay & neuter festival or something. PUT IT BACK, damnit, Animal Planet. Use it for a special on domesticated animals, if you have to use cats... but seriously. This kind of show is insulting.

wtf?!

b

the thing about space

I'm going to preface this by saying I'm hormonal. Take it with a grain of whatever preservative you choose to use. I also seem to have to get alot out. If you've read this far... you have my sympathy.

On myspace, there are these bulletins I became addicted to, thanks to Poppy. It's funny... he used to not be able to let an email survey go by, where I *never* filled them out. Then one day I thought, "well, what the hell" and did it. Since then, I actually started using myspace (for the videos) and I'd just get sucked in to completing another bulletin survey. The irony is that Poppy no longer does them. Punk.

Anyways, one of the most frequent questions asked on aforementioned surveys is "can long distance relationships work?"

I always answer, "yes," because I know from experience that they can. The key is communication, or so I thought. Today I learned another key.

Interest.

There has to be interest. I always thought that the point was communication. But without interest, there's no point TO communication. Why bother responding when you're not interested? I swear, I'd pick up "He's just not in to you" but I think I'm scared I'd find out some people's true feelings.

Touching on feelings, TB always said something to the effect that "matters of the heart never make sense"... that's a paraphrase, and I know I butchered it, cause he makes it sound much more poetic, but anyways... I'd apologize for liking people and he'd shrug it off. He's a tough one, that man. But he's right, damn him. Why do I always like people I shouldn't be with? Either they're on the clingy side or they're on the "the only way you know I like you is cause I tell you so" side.

Which I have now come to despise. As of today, if you don't make a move, I write you off. Period.

This edict hurts already, cause it applies to someone I was starting to like. Who I have repeatedly written off, and repeatedly keep coming back to. This isn't good. This is friggin Briget Jones's Diary mess. But I mean, I have people constantly giving me chips like "thinking of you" or even just calling to see how I am, and from this one, nothing. Nothing like that, at least. Nothing to reinforce blue moon statements. Maybe he's shy. Maybe there's a justification for that, but all I know is I want to face him and say "I don't think you like me. Maybe you've convinced yourself you like me or someone else has. Let me stop wasting your time."

Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows. But I just dont want to be the one putting energy into something that doesn't face a return. Maybe he's just not romantic, and that's what I'm used to. Maybe he just doesnt DO chips like everyone else. Maybe that's not his gig. That's cool too... but like... if the only thing I have to go by is the fact that you answered your phone... C'mon. PLEASE let me stop wasting your time. Because I think I've gotten back to the point where I'd like to be able to go out with someone again, and if it's not gonna be you, I need to know before I actually let myself feel again. If I'm gonna start taking bricks down from this fortress I've spent years developing, I need to know that there's someone taking them down from the other side. Because I'm out of options. I've tried to engage conversation, and I get jack back. That's a hint to me in the negative, so I don't get why this person seems to want to spend time with me. I don't get it cause the words don't match the actions. USUALLY when I notice that, I'm out. But for some reason, some sadistic reason, I'm still here on this one.

Maybe I like torturing myself.

b

7 am text messages

I got a text message this morning from VJ. It read, simply,
"Good morning"

And... I dunno... it was just so friggin sweet! I'm still... I dunno... freaked at how that whole thing started, and how I missed like, all the signs of what happened, and Yang keeps reminding me of what happened so that I can remember... but I don't... it's all a blur. I remember him walking into the office, I remember asking Yang "what is that?" and I remember thinking "omg, just don't stand next to me and don't look at me and don't talk to me." Outside of that, I don't remember much of what happened. Somehow we all started talking about the club, and what club to go to, and if I go or not, and that I don't go but was planning on going on the 30th... and somehow...

< draws blank >

Somehow I ended up with a text message at 7 am reading "good morning."

I love sweet stuff like that. Like when Chicago sends me text messages telling me he's thinking about me. I love that stuff. I eat it up. It's like candy.

It's... what's the word? Romantic. I dig romantic. It busts a grin on my face that refuses to leave. All I have to do is remember a romantic thing someone did, no matter how bad the day is, and I'll get to grinning. Sweet stuff, sweet cute stuff just gets me.

wb

so I took May off from writing.
Funny thing is, I feel more screwed up now for doing it.. as far a smy ability (or lack thereof) to express myself.

So here I am trying to get back in the swing of it. Hopefully, my beloved blogspot, I'll not leave you for long ever again!

yes, I do

You Belong in London

You belong in London, but you belong in many cities... Hong Kong, San Francisco, Sidney. You fit in almost anywhere. And London is diverse and international enough to satisfy many of your tastes. From curry to Shakespeare, London (almost) has it all!

What European City Do You Belong In?

if blogthings says it, it must be true

You Should Be an Actor

You have a flair for the dramatic, and you probably already do a lot of acting in your day to day life, just to entertain yourself. No need to steal the spotlight from your friends... You'll get plenty of attention once you start acting professionally!

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

i basically act my age

You Are 26 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

the element of my love

Your Love Element Is Earth

In love, you have consistency and integrity. For you, love is all about staying grounded and centered. You attract others with your zest for life and experiences. Your flirting style is defined by setting the scene, creating a unique moment in time. Steady progress and stability are the cornerstones of your love life. You may take things too slowly, but you never put your heart at risk. You connect best with: Fire Avoid: Wood You and another Earth element: need each other too much to build a good foundation

What Element Is Your Love?

au natural

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

adventures in xray land

the drs office sent me straight to the xray place
saying they'd fax the permission info
they did
xray: we never got it
b: can you fax it again?
dr: okay
xray: we never got it. oh, snap, the fax is broke
xray: send it here instead (new #)
dr: okay
xray: we never got it
b: call the dr again
dr: we're at lunch until 2

the weird thing and the interesting thing

I had a convo with OhioH about dads... we compared notes and I dunno... I told him about how I used to feel about my dad... and how we both pretty much leave well enough alone...

and then today,

the man calls me. His birthday's tomorrow. He wants me to come over with his pals, and watch his pictures of his trip to Egypt to see the eclipse on his HDTV.

But that happened after the interesting thing.

the interesting thing was when i was in the car with MSI, and OhioH came up because she saw his myspace picture & thought he was cute, and when I told her that he's not clingy and he's independent and we don't talk that much, and I told her the contrast between him and his roommate (who I talk to on a regular basis) that she hit me with "that's good!"

i was like what?

"that's good, you need that."

and i stepped back and realized that she's right. I do need that. That someone who gives me my space, and isnt everywhere all the time, keeping me from what needs to get done, crying to me about their problems and stuff. That said, don't be too distant, but still... she's right. And i look around and there are two people who lean on me too much. the others are balanced, but still... i still have those two, so maybe it's pulling me out of my habit to be attracted to unhealthy relationships.

normally, it's "themthemthemthemthemthemthemthem" and i find myself putting my life aside for them. not doing work, or not writing a paper, because i'll put their needs above my own.

But because I'm used to that, I'm not sure how to handle distant people.
But whatever. It all turns out alright in the end, right?

b

tuesday on the campus with besu

so today, besu and i are walking to the union, and i'm feeding him pieces of a huge rice krispie treat when it hits me,
"you know, for someone who doesn't want kids, I'm damn maternal"
"you sure are. and for someone who actually does want kids, i can't stand the little bastards"

so it's funny... everything I did today at the union with him, i realized i was being motherly. the whole day long... even when they passed around kids school fundraiser stuff, and i bought a bucket of cookie dough so I could make OhioH cookies when I get there.

WTF?!

anyways... so then we're at the library, getting a print card when I realized that besu had earlier, when I mentioned i missed getting flowers, picked several blossoms off the tree and handed them to me when he saw me... so now i'm walking around campus with a slowly deteriorating bouquet of pastel blossoms having all these girls hate on me, and it hits me, so I say,

"you know, you're making it hard for all the other guys"
"that's the plan. Well, if it makes you feel any better, you're making it hard for all the other girls."
"really?"
"not really."

OhioH called again.
I get butterflies when he does that.
Is that bad?

But then he oberved that I'm usually with friends when he calls. I have friends? I HAVE FRIENDS!!

b

there went the bride

so i got an email today from a friend of mine at work who is getting married. As in her boyfriend keeps proposing, she keeps tuning him down, and yet we keep going to the bridal shop during her break to look at dresses.

Anyways, this email was a picture of a dress from Maggie Sottero that she was considering, and she sent it to two or three people for feedback. I don't like the dress at all... at least, it's nice on the model but I don't think it would flatter her... but instead of telling her just that, I'm looking at the site to see if there's anything else I like that I can suggest to her in its place, or at least for further consideration.

So here I am, sifting through all these dresses I'm not impressed with when it hits me:

I'm never getting married. I don't think I'm girly enough.

Aside from that, I'm sick of it coming up in conversation. From avoiding one suitor COMPLETELY... to wondering if i'll ever be able to have a male plutonic friend again...

in other news, I talked to the exbestfriend last night. turns out he's going out with the other exbestfriend, and we had a lovely conversation; the first in months. Unfortunately, I can never speak to him again, since the reason she and i broke up was because she thought i was trying to steal all her crushes. meanwhile, i'm going through not being able to like him because they went out, and i didnt want to be called a manstealer again, so no matter how many times we liked each other, i never let us actually go out (my loss, he's great, but things turn out the way they should because:) and now it turns out they're dating again. So I'm glad I held off, but the problem is, now that he and i can have the strictly plutonic relationship I crave with him because he's dating her, I can't talk to him again BECAUSE he's dating her, and I don't want her to have the impression I'm stepping in on her man, since he and I haven't spoken much since January except for the one night in February when I made him birthday dinner and cake.

why is life so complicated? I'm tired of being so frigging considerate of other people's emotions. Why can't I just talk to my old best friend again without having the fear of it being misconstrued as something else?

Why can't I write that I like someone without getting an email about it?
Speaking of that... let's do the irritated part first. It irritates me that someone in my life feels like they have the right to know my business. If I offer something, fine, but where the hell do you get off saying you think you have the right to ask me questions because you like me? because you feel like you've invested some emotion in me that justifies you demanding to know aspects of my life, like why i like someone or what they've got that you don't. what the fuck is that? that's horseshit!

i appreciate what you've done for me, but that isn't a prerequesite for liking you. i'm not obligated to like you because you helped me get something off the ground... true, that happens with partners, but this isn't figureskating. I'm just so very angry about that whole thing. Its like there's a condition for the friendship. BUT, when I call the person out on the many things he's said, the first thing he does is retract it all, not realizing that in some retractions, he further incriminates himself.

I just want him to leave me alone. Period. Only, I have to work with him... but that might not be a problem since...

well...

the second part of the "why can't i like someone" is well... why can't i like someone?

I think I'm deluding myself. I thought this person liked me as in "hey, you're cool" and i liked them back in the same way, but then I don't know. I think I'm the only one in the friendship at this point. Maybe it just needs some face time. Too early to tell.

b

personality traits according to blogthings.com

Your #1 Match: ENTJ

The Executive You are a natural leader - with confidence and strength that inspires others. Driven to succeed, you are always looking for ways to gain, power, knowledge, and expertise. Sometimes you aren't the most considerate person, especially to those who are a bit slow. You are not easily intimidated - and you have a commanding, awe-inspiring presence. You would make a great CEO, entrepreneur, or consultant.

Your #2 Match: INTJ

The Scientist You have a head for ideas - and you are good at improving systems. Logical and strategic, you prefer for everything in your life to be organized. You tend to be a bit skeptical. You're both critical of yourself and of others. Independent and stubborn, you tend to only befriend those who are a lot like you. You would make an excellent scientist, engineer, or programmer.

Your #3 Match: ENFJ

The Giver You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

Your #4 Match: INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

Your #5 Match: ENTP

The Visionary You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression. You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything. Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off. You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments. You would make a great entrpreneur, marketing executive, or actor.

What's Your Personality Type?

quotes of last night

most insightful: "floetry is what you get if you split Jill Scot"

most fish-out-of-water at just the right time: "is good to learn foreign languages"

most repeated and least relevant to the event: "go to me-zine.org"

thanks to everyone who came out last night...
thanks to all the jokes & performers
thanks to everyone who promoted my website (www.me-zine.org) even though the event was for dayspring bahai school (www.dayspringbahaischool.org).

b

What mom said today

I cannot believe I head these words come out of my mother's mouth when referring to someone we know:

"She needs to eat shit and die"

:O

b

Make It So

I have just read the most disturbing news EVER. Beyond nuclear warfare, beyond sarvation and repression of the advancement of women in foreign countries. This tops it all.

http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/index.php?category=7&id=34822

The Powers That Be have heretofore said that while there will be another StarTrek Movie, Partick Stewart will not be reprising his role as Captain Jean-Luc Picard BECAUSE HE IS TOO OLD.

William Shatner was 66 when he did Generations, Picard is 65 now. He's in way better shape and didnt even break a sweat during all those scenes that Shatner's pudgy Tiberius was huffing and puffing in as they tried to divert the Nexus.

Now, the argument is that even though he's 65 now, by the time they got around to shooting anything, he'd be 70.

I say SO THE FRACK WHAT?

ALL HE NEEDS TO DO IS SIT THERE AND SAY THREE THINGS:
1. Tea, Earl Grey, Hot.
2. Make it so.
3. Engage.

I mean, they can even bring him back as an admiral or something... This is total age discrimination. Another rumor was that he's not coming back because he didn't want to do Picard unless they were paying him Professor X wages. I mean, here's this man, sitting in a chair, having stuff fly at him and explode around him all the time. How different is that scenario really, than if the Enterprise was being attacked by Ferengis, Klingons, Romulans and the Borg all at once? He'd still be sitting in a chair, having stuff fly at him and explode around him.

They're talking about making the movie with an entirely new cast. While I applaud my chance to be in a movie (I'd look good as a Klingon, I swear... I can be Lursa and Be'toor's long lost sister, out to avenge their deaths... I look good in leather! I swear!) I mean... you're out to market a film based on a television series... without the television series to help you promote it... Unless you're gonna make a DS-9 or Voyager movie... I mean... c'mon here! Besides, they're acting like they can do without Picard! Correct me if I'm wrong, but did anyone go see the TNG movies because of Jonathan Frakes? No? Didn't think so!

WTF!!!

Okay, so he'll be 70. He'd be the hottest 70 year old in movies right now. Okay... Sean Connery is 76... so there'd be a tie for sexiest 70year old man.

HANG ON!

SEAN CONNERY was born in 1930... one year before Tiberius... and he made The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (and Women) in 2003, which makes him 73!!

I am *so* pumped up about this right now. I'm almost pissed enough to write a letter!

b

MIA

So one of the Karate guys comes in (the one who wants to "be friends- respecting all boundaries, of course") and yells at me for being MIA.

I reply "I'm glad, I don't want to be here"

He hits me with "I thought you loved being here"

Touche.

Damn.

I hit back with "well, I used to!"

Yeah, I used to. Before people started hitting on me & stuff.

You know, I don't mind being hit on. I think sone lines are funny. You can use any line, as long as you don't take yourself too seriously. But it's when people look at me with hunger in their eyes that makes me think "there is no way I'm going *anywhere* with you". I can't describe what I mean by "hunger" at the moment.

It just is.

Nasty.

Besu was mad at me one day for being "the girl who complains" as in "I hate it when pretty girls complain about guys liking them." It's not about guys liking us, though... it's about the KIND of guy that likes us, or the WAY they like us, or how they choose to SHOW they like us. I'm all for nice guys liking me. Sure. But perverts and guys who just want to "tap dat ass"... not a fan.

And guys who read the blog just so say "so, you've got guys trying to 'tap dat ass?'" UGH they irritate me! CM used to do that. I'd blog that I'm sick of guys trying to marry me or get me into a relationship and he'd im me with "so, guys are trying to get you in a relationship?" YES, dingbat. YOU were one of them!

GEEZ!

Speaking of marriage,

I've officially reached the conclusion it's not happening for me. How & why did I reach this conclusion? You wouldnt understand. It's because I've been asked too many times. The last time I was asked, last monday, it was a joke, but still. I think I'm over getting married.

b

Damnit!

So, the plan is coming together.
I knew I'd teach after I graduated, and I knew I wanted to teach in other countries.
I didn't know how, and now, I do.

*Yay* =D

In other news, I'm sitting at work today and Lance walks by and gives the biggest raspberry I've ever heard. Then when I start laughing, he says "I miss you, damnit!"

That made me stop for a split second. Thursday night, he said almost the same thing. He asked me why I'm not in this performance. Instead of telling him "because I don't want to have a blessed thing to do with the company," or "because I just can't right now" I just took it, and let him tell me how he missed me onstage. So when he hit me with that today, it's kinda like "banaf5h3h, you're supposed to be here with us. Why aren't you?"

Because I've got bigger things to do with my life.
That's why.

It was still nice, though. Somewhere, in someone's life, I've made an impact. And that always feels good.

b

Undiscovered Geniuses

Undiscovered Geniuses

This is for the undiscovered geniuses,
(Or is it geniui? I never knew…)
Who write and paint and chisel in their bedrooms
Known forever by the last name, “Who??”

I know you’re out there, I know you’re in there.
Dancing with your hopes and fears, instead of chasing zeroes.

They never had a hit song on the airwaves,
They never broke out from the local scene,
They didn’t paste their walls with famous faces,
And they preferred the windows to the TV screen.

I know you’re out there, I know you’re in there.
Common knowledge doesn’t know the jewels below.

You always have a friend, and maybe several,
You look them in the eye and touch their hands,
You listen more than talking…
And always dream of seeing foreign lands.

I know you’re out there, I know you’re in there.
Share your gift with someone who will show theirs to you.

The beautiful don’t jump before the cameras.
The wisest women hardly ever speak.
Every time we’re sent a perfect teacher,
We miss them, as we overlook the meek.

I know you’re out there, I know you’re in there.
Harmonizing heart and hand, making mirrors from sand.

So this is for the folks who know they’re precious,
But no more precious than the dustbin man.
I kiss you on your cheek, not on a poster,
Because genius wants a lover, not a fan.

I know you’re out there, I know you’re in there.
Cover stories can’t uncover the true lover.


THANK YOU MARTIN KERR!

epitaphs

TheBesu has got to be the most clever person I know.
Before I get into that, I'll share something I made for him.
I've written his epitaph for his tombstone when he dies.

"Here Lies Besu
Now The Ladies Will Just Have To Settle For You"

And now for something completely different:

So we're in the car, listening to Avenue Q (which is practically all I listen to these days, although I did switch to Big River (sacrelige!) just to hear something different today) and it gets to the part where Nicky's homeless and asks Princeton for change... alright, for those of you who don't know:

Nicky:
Help the homeless!
Help the homeless!
Ooh! Hey Princeton!

Give me a quarter!
Here in my hat!
Come on, Princeton!
It’s as easy as that!
Helping others brings you
Closer to God.
So give me a quarter...

Princeton:
I don’t have any change.

Nicky:
Hmmm....okay.

Give me a dollar.

Princeton:
That’s not what I meant.

Nicky:
Give me a five.

Princeton:
Are you kidding?

Nicky:
The more you give.
The more you get.
That’s being alive!
All I’m asking you
Is to do what
Jesus Christ would do.
He’d give me a quarter,
Why don’t you?


And because I'm vice-president of OverAnalyzing Not-So Anonymous (there has GOT to be someone out there who over-analyzes more than me. Anyone? Shit...) I stopped the cd in the car & said "Hang on, that's not what Jesus Christ would do. According to the Bible, he cured the blind man who was begging. So, if you're begging, Jesus would fix the source of your problem, not pay you off. The guy was blind, Jesus made him see so he didn't have to beg anymore [ edit: He also kinda took away his prime moneymaking feature so the chap didn't have a choice. /end edit ]... ANYWAYS the point is, Jesus would have given the kid a job, not a quarter. To which TheBesu replies:

"yeah, He'd have given him a job. 'In fact, I've got an opening right now; there were twelve positions, but one of them didn't work out.'"

It's not a complete quote, but that's the gist of it, and I about died when he said that. That boy has got to be the wittiest, cleverest friend I've got.

God bless 'im.

the art of conversation

so that guy i mentioned before is cool.

i wrote him a haiku about how i noticed i hadn't sent him an email in a while.
he writes me back in haiku about trying to see how long we could go before we went crazy
i wrote him back in haiku something to the effect of "you're on"
he wrote me back in haiku something 4 stanzas deep about his car & the upcoming three-day weekend.

Smart Bastard. See, before it was one stanza haikus. Once I say "you're on," now he's got to break out with the entire emails in haiku. So I did what anyone would do.

Called him an overachiever. In haiku. And proceeded to write more stanzas in my email than he wrote in his. 'Cause that's what we do in the fourth grade.

Ever meet someone who is smarter than you are, and have it irritate you because then you have to step up your game? That's where I am with this guy. I enjoyed the privilege of being the smartest person in my social network (at work, I wouldn't dare claim that in my personal life), and then I meet and email this guy, who steps it up justenough that my first reaction is "that little f***er," which is immediately followed up with "now how am I going to top this?"

It's good. I haven't been this mentally stimulated since...

Since...

Well, damn.

Anyways, so ever since, all of our emails have been in Haiku. Surprisingly, the more I write them, the less I need to count the syllables (though I do anyway, just for confirmation). There's a distinct flow with haiku. And I also enjoy it because it's poetry. I get to excercise my writing muscle in a completely different fashion.

Poetry: the economy of speech.

We came up with that in Poetry class, and I've loved that sentence ever since.

So this guy is really keeping my brain ticking. Good. Next post, "in other news, your most recent TheBesu update!"

Happy Valentine's Day

Every day is the 14th!

Today was great. It's my first Valentine's day as a Single since puberty.
AND I LOVED IT!!!!

I had lunch with a friend, and during lunch, cuteguy who moved away (I really need to make a name for him) called me & wished me a happy Valentine's day.

That made my day. I was already having a good lunch since my cheeseburger & fries were on point, but damn. That really threw it into the stratosphere. I mean, here's this guy, who is at work, who doesn't owe me a thing, and he calls me during his lunch break to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. I felt SO special! He was the only person to call me. So he gets credit.

I need to name him. I'll think of something.

b

and then he didnt even grade it

so i worked like shit on that paper for BritLit and he doesnt even grade them. Which is a good thing, a really cool thing, because it gives you a chance to see how a particular prof views your work & ideas without being penalized.

Only I asked him, "okay, but if you *had* graded my paper, what would it be?"

he said an A.

can't that count for me? then he said he looked forwards to reading my essays.


ooh, next time, story of the Comm390PaperNazi!

b

the quote of the day

comes from mom.

she's on the phone and talking to a friend who is going to a birthday party i'm attending. I asked mom to ask her (while she was on the phone) if she was going to said party, and she said yes, so mom said, "good, so she'll have someone to talk to there. not too many people (implying one person) like banaf5h3h."

then mom made a point of saying that i was invited by the party whose birthday it was himself, and not by his significant other. To which the person on the other end of the line responded "that's because banafsheh's a threat".

wtf?

I don't need your man. What part of happily single aren't people getting? I NEED to be single right now. I've been a serial dater since I hit puberty. I NEED THIS "ME TIME." And damn if I'm not liking it, either.

But the bigger point I guess is, why would I want a man that would never want me?
I'm not sick as all that, tenjewberrymuds.

and if you want to keep your man, you might want to start acting like you like his choice of restaurants once in a while, so he won't have to start making excuses when i raise my eyebrow after he told me you planned out the entire valentine's day thing thus allowing him no romantic creativiy, further allowing him no margin for error on what you planned a nice evenning should be. Well, he just told me the part about you planning the evening. The rest was written on his face, which he tried to clean up with excuses I said it wasn't my business to hear. I mean, it's always nice to plan something for your significant other, but the way it came across was less romance and more ultimatum

Really, I salute you. You exemplify what it is to "train a man". Bravo.


< expletive >

did i write that? I meant to write "insecure."

who am i kidding?

b, tired of people trying to make her feel like she's angelina jolie or something

ps, i had some quality aol instant messenger time with the ex boyfriend who drove me to being single. He's good. As in doing well. He actually listened to me & saw shows on Broadway. He notes the difference & gave me credit for actually knowing some shit about theater. whouldvethunkit.

the quote of the day

last night, sunday, i was in a conversation with someone explaining (yet again) why I don't do theater anymore, and I basically boiled it down to:

"I was so many things to other people that I was nothing to myself"

Which he made me repeat, and then said it was poetic.

It was nice to be paid a compliment.

are those needles hypodermic?

I had my first accupunture experience today.
The weird part is, they do this test at the beginning... you stick a finger at a time into this machine, kinda like getting fingerprinted (for those who have ever had the luxury). It examines your chi & draws a map of it.

The doctor took one look at my chi diagram & asked me if I'd had a head injury.
yes.
Was it on the right side?
yes.

wow.

Cool. So then he did the accupunture thing & some electrical current stuff.
I'll be on this bitter herbal tea for a while, but he says I've got some stuff that I'm not going to post on the web. You'll just have to ask me.

Then we went to Tower Records, where I proceeded to forget the reason why I was there so I left & went next door to Ross where I caught up with Mom & bought Short Circuit on DVD for 10$.

I'm going to NEBY next friday, if I haven't mentioned it already, and I got some stuff to make a display. I'm freaked. I'm revealling my new website there. I've got the business cards & everything now.

banaf5h3h is doing good, I think.

Now I wish my mother was.

b

whose bright idea

was it for me to take two writing intensive/reading intensive courses at the same time?

oh, mine, you say?

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!

b

grr

dear coolest medieval and renaissance brittish literature professor:


STOP SENDING ME EMAILS.
Yes, they pertain to the class, yes, they're chock full of information, and soud bytes of what ye olde english sounded like, but they're messing with my downtime.

I mean, I finally get the hang of one assignment, and there's another email in my inbox from you telling me to "check out this" for supplemental material, or "read that" for more background.

Stop it, I say!

b

this is the dog that chased the cat that ate the mouse...

So, I'm at work, and I'm trying to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to do for class. I'm still miffed that I have supplemental material that's supposed to help me with my three page assignment that's due on tuesday, and that I need a mythology book, a latin book, and a french-english/english-french dictionary to complete the secondary assignment which helps us firure out the primary assignment that's due on wednesday.

I also still have no idea where my tuesday night class is.

Finally talked to cuteguy on the phone. That was nice.

Mom's bday went well. We watched Bride & Prejudice, and it was funny, although I (as usual) found parts funny that I don't think I was intended to, but anyways I guess the moral of the story is "No Life Without Wife".

So the kid mom tutors won a bookmark contest... let me rephrase that. A kid my mom tutors goes to a school where they have a bookmark contest. I drew the bookmark for him. He colored it in. His name is on it, so he won. But I WON. So, after years of doodling, I AM AN AWARD WINNING ILLUSTRATOR, DAMNIT! My bookmark poster will be turned into a bookmark for bookworms generations to come.

I RULE, DAMNIT.

Then I felt really guilty, cause I remember when Cire Doowllams told me he hated that I always won back in high school...

Backstory:

Cire and I have been going to the same schools since 2nd grade. Elementary school, Middle School & High School. Now, in Elementary school, they used to have these contests all the time, where we'd make posters. Cire would do these elaborate ink drawings of centaurs and men with horns and blood, which were always too good for words. I would (or rather my mom would basically pull a Mr. Porter on me, and do the assignment which she insisted I botched while I would give up & go to sleep) end up with a world peace poster that would win.

Cire hated me.

Rather, he hated that my world peace, diversity-centric color pencil creations always won.

So, remembering this, I called him when I found out that I won the prize (which I was sad about and proud of, since I proved to myself that I could actually draw) & told him about it. Then he called me evil for never admitting it before.

We're going out soon for a round of drinks.

b

so much happened today

me: this is the first class i've ever had, where i need loads of extra curricular reading in order to simply understand and comprehend the suggested reading material in order to perform the homework
The Besu: welcome to my life
The Besu: i read a bunch of math stuff to actually do the work i do now
The Besu: outside of the text that is
The Besu: good luck with all the studying
me: thanks, i've got my edith hamilton, my french-english dictionary and my latin book
The Besu: you forgot something i think
m: oh, and my condensed oxford english dictionary
The Besu: and...?
The Besu: DASZ KNOOTS!!!!
me: oh yeah, my german-english dictionary



Freestyler: goodnight beautiful
me: night, knight
Freestyler: you know, you probably get complimented so much that my words are just random molecules in your air.

**I WISH**

Indeed, thine are

So much happened today with my first day of class, but I can't write it all here now cause i'm about to go to sleep... but i thought i'd share what the day ended with.

A moment of craziness with TheBesu revealed:

midieval dirty talk:
thou enjoyest thine art as a harlot, dost thy not?

Beware when you leave the house... you might actually meet people

Basically, I got roped into going to the DC center like I said yesterday. I liked it, I saw some folks, I even saw one of the folks I went to Haifa with. She goes to GW now, and she's going to go to NEBY with us. Weird. SMAAAAALL world.

So, we all went to lunch.

ALSO, she informed me that one of the guys we went to lunch with was the "cousin" (meaning may as well be, but no actual relation) of another one of the Haifa pilgrims, whom we were very close with.


SMAAAAAAAALL world.

So, we had ethiopian for lunch, well, Irritrian (can I say that's close enough? I don't know enough about the culture to determine that) and I actually liked it. I figured out what my problem was with it before. I went to a friend of mine's Ethiopian wedding, and I distinctly remember disliking the food. Specifically the bread. Now, when it came to eat, they handed out rolls of the bread I was prepared to not like again. And I did indeed, not enjoy the bread.

On it's own.

The secret is in the way you eat the bread. On it's own, I don't much care for it, or at least it's an acquired taste, acquired by the folks who developed it and passed it on to future generations. BUT, when coupled with any of the sides on the platter, it was GOOD, and the very taste I wasn't used to provided a nice balance, and sometimes even a complement to the dishes I was scooping.

Can I say that the Lamb was "da bomb diggity".

That was good. I didn't care for anything else (well, I didn't even try much else) but the spinach and the Lamb.

YUMMY!!!

And it wasn't as spicy as I was preparing myself for, considering the jalapeno peppers jutting out everywhere.

On a separate note, my room's all booked up for NEBY!

WOO HOO!!!

AND my theatrical presentation got picked up by the DC Assembly. They want me to come in & give my theatrical workshop. I'm so stoked!

b

when coincidences attack

So I was talking (via aim, how else?) to DateFinder (who needs a new name, I think he's outgrowing that one... yay!), and he asked me how I handle social situations. So I told him that if I know people there, I engage in conversations, and if I know no one, it helps to know a little about everything, so that I can carry my own weight in an intelligent conversation should the occasion ever arise.

Then, something tickled my curiosity for a completely different reason, and being the Taurus/Geminii Cusp child that I am, I checked both horoscopes. I like checking them at the end of the day for validity purposes.

Anyways, here's the Gemini one for today:

"If anyone can mingle, it's you. You can chat with anyone about anything, mostly because you know just enough about almost anything to carry on a convincing conversation. You'll be especially believable now, so if you're out with friends and you know that the person you've been introduced to thinks that you're a doctor, a scientist or an author because of the vocabulary you're flinging around, have some fun with it -- temporarily. Ever hear of 'Six Degrees of Separation?'"

Now, a friend of mine from Ohio is in town this weekend, and he's been trying to get me to go to the DC Center on Sundays, since he goes when he's here, but I never go because it has too much history for me. But, today I decided to go tomorrow, since I hardly ever get out the house & do anything like that. I figured, I'd meet new people, which is always good, get out the house (even better), see & catch up with him... so okay. I bit the bullet & agreed to go. He kinda roped me into it, but that's okay. The Gemini horoscope said:

"Go ahead and accept a dare. Your impatience with all this endless conjecture leads you to strike out on your own and actually put your money where your mouth is. Your results will be spectacular."

So I'm going to have a good tomorrow.

The Taurus horoscope said:

"If you're single, you're due for quite the bumpy ride, as Bette Davis once said. The last person on earth you'd ever have expected to reveal secret feelings to you will be the first one who'll do it. Of course, you've been trying to tell yourself that those feelings you were having were wrong, but at this point, you need to buckle down and admit that it's true. But if you think about it, how could you possibly blame them?"

Who the heck has a crush on me? Especially who that I have a crush on back? I already buried my friendship with HeWhoShallRemainNamelessUntilIGetOverWhatHappened...

hrm. Unless FirstLove aims me & lays down the law, I'm stumped on that one.

It also said:

"Increase your exposure to art and you'll discover a pattern that reflects your life."

Now, I'm all for that!

b

why i love thebesu

Reason number 3456:

He has a distinct personality. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they're becoming SO PC, and worrying SO much about offending people that they lose a sense of personality... the thing that sets them apart and distinguishes them from other people.

There's much to be said for tact. Anyone can say anything, it's just a matter of how you say it. And you ought to be able to discern the proper way of divulging your opinion in a variety of settings.

But to have your own opinions, and to not be afraid of sharing them (granted in a polite, or at least acceptable manner)...

That's gold!

b

As promised

And now, as promised, what happened Wednesday night.

Nothing. Nothing at all. What did you think, that I'd have something juicy for you?

I went to help ParkPoliceMan with a project. Here's some background:

Saturday:
He asked me if i'd ever written a proposal, to which i said, "i'm an english major", to which he replied, "have you ever written a proposal?"

...

Then I launched into questions as to what type of proposal, who the audience was, etc. So he, wide eyed as if he'd never seen me before, says, "can you help me?" to which I respond "sure, but I won't write it for you" Then he got hungry, and left to get something to eat, during which time I started to write him an outline of his proposal, with blanks that he could fill in with information.

By the time he got back, I'd written the entire first page for him.

So of course I had to finish the whole thing, since there couldnt be a break in style. We made an appointment for wednesday (the only day our conflicting schedules had free for months) and he promised to buy me pants as payment.

FFWD to tonight, and I wrote it, at least a bigger chunk of it, and then went straight to Feast, where the stres of the workday, and running around to his house & trying to get home to pick up food for Feast and get there at a reasonable time wore me out so completely that I got such a headache I couldnt move. Really, it was scary.

But on the ParkPoliceMan note, nothing happened.

I'm still not sure if I should be happy about that, or not.

b

Why I'll never be cool

me: what's the 713?
me: i dont understand the music these kids play these days
The Besu: 713?
me: that's what it said in the song
me: something about the seven one three
The Besu: that's a texas area code
me: oh
me: okay
The Besu: probably houston area, if it's in a rap song
me: is that where the deuce comes from?
me: i'm so lost
The Besu: that's what they call it down there
The Besu: throwin up deuces
The Besu: peace sign
me: right
me: okay
me: thank you
me: i mean, i knew i wasn't hip, but damn
me: i didn't know i was my mother

This used to make me hate her

Now, it just cracks me up.

I get home after an exhausting day, and take an hour-long nap. When I wake, I go for some Total. Grab a bowl, pour the flakes and... what's this? The Total has been MIXED with the cereal I WILL NOT TOUCH (some crap with clusters). I say, "what's this?" Mom replies, "it's the cereal", and she points to a random spot on the box like "see? that matte reflection of the light off the box is the cluster in your bowl!"

I fall for it not.

So I stand there, sifting through the entire box & taking all the clusters out. I know she's mad, but I'm not that dumb! I KNOW what total looks like. and it's not like it's all "new! with clusters!" on the box. Did she really think I wouldn't notice?

Then we eat dinner, and I finally turn to her & say, "I appreciate your attempt to mix the cereals, but I fixed it. It was cute, though."

I mean... come on.

At least she didn't deny it that time.

fortressing

I spoke with ParkPoliceMan today.

it was most interesting.

Besides all the other frustrating things we said to each other... all the standard one-liners & misinterpretations...

there came a great silence.

I broke it when I asked him,

"Do you think I'm heartless?"

and he responded with "Do you think you're heartless", which I hated, and told him so. That sparked a senseless debate involving his unnecessary opinion that I wouldn't have asked if there wasn't some deeper meaning that reflected how I truly thought about myself, which I coldly retorted with a snipe to the effect of introducing the possibility that the remark was not how I saw myself in the least, but rather an observation of a third party, and I was seeking his opinion as to wether there was a personal trait that I was overlooking and ought to be made aware of, or if it was one person's misguided judgement and instead should be ignored.

To which he replied the wisest thing I've ever heard him say:

"You're not heartless. You're protecting yourself."

I asked him why it was that he should know me better than people who've known me for over ten years, and he replied simply "because I'm older."

I'm quite convinced that age hasn't a thing to do with it. I know people as old as he is if not older who still haven't got a clue about life or other people in it... yet here he is... making accurate observations.

That's why I trust him. Well, one of the reasons.

There's a second part to the story, but as it's rather a non-sequiter and hasn't much to do with this topic at all, I'll leave it until after wednesday night, when I see him again, and will have more to discuss regarding the second topic.

and the funny thing is

It's been a long time.
I could catch you up, tell you all about how all a man has to say to me now is "I'm a scorpio", and my libido dies, or even tell you about how friendships die... but instead I'm going to share with you some good news.

After all the talk about leaving theater, after the huge uphill battle i've had to fight against my peers, both theatrically, and those trying to date me:

I've won.

I got straight A's this semester.
Isn't it funny... how eliminating all those things that I (other people were nice enough to keep their similar opinions to themselves) came to see as distractions resulted in my doing well.

Go fig.

So, all that talk about not dating anyone, and not doing any theater because I'm changing focus wasn't talk after all.

Who'dve thunk it?

Because Sometimes Asshole's Don't Change

Saw The Weatherman last night.
People pretty much know how I feel about Nicholas Cage.
I think I've found what my problem with him is: He was just miscast in all those other movies. The movies that required the ability to move your face. You know... act. He had Keanu Reeves syndrome... where he's good if the movie needs a deer in the headlights (see: Matrix, Bill & Ted).

So if you didnt know my background with Cage, that's it in a nutshell.

The Weatherman is a perfect vehicle for Cage. It basically restored my faith in him, since I try really hard not to see deer in the headlight movies. The only Cage movies I like are Face/Off for acting reasons (and really, that was Travolta's vehicle, cause Cage still spent most of the movie being a DITH), and Gone in 60 seconds for car reasons. I have not seen Adaptation. So there is hope still. Anyways, I just assumed that he was miscast in all the other movies, or maybe i just didnt like the DITH face. But here. Here, in this film, the close ups (i mean, pore-counting close ups) allow me to see a new side of Cage. The subtle changes. So now I believe that Cage can act. When there's nothing but stuff blowing up, I missed that he's not an action hero actor. He's a subtle change actor. And there aren't many of those in Hollywood. So... I guess what I'm typing here is that I have newfound respect for Nicholas Coppola as an actor. So all you Cage-a-philes get off my back for beinga "hater". I just think he was miscast. OMG "give me back my bunny". Need I say more?

Back to the Weatherman, really, I thought it was a great movie. And the sound designer for it needs a medal or something, because there's this theme that gets interrupted. The first time I heard it, I thought it was a mistake, like the guy in the projection booth didnt know what he was doing or something (yes, I know that they have these automated things now). But then it happened again, and I thought it was brilliant. I need to see it again, to see if the theme's interruption (which is like a cd skipping, or like a record getting stopped abruptly) happens every time he screws up, or every time someone throws something at him. Really, it was a brilliant touch.

As far as Michael Caine... No. Let's skip Michael Caine. He's brilliant enough that he doesnt need a nobody telling him that he is.

Mr. Caine, your work is brilliant. I can only hope to aspire to your level of craft someday.

So back to the movie... I saw it with a guy who didn't like it because Cage's character doesn't really change. But the movie wasn't about him changing... it was about more than that. One level of it was just him accepting the way his life was. He was an asshole, and will most likely continue to be one. Sometimes, holding on to things is more destructive than leting them go & moving on with who you are. And he does change, in small ways. His son has an issue that he "takes care of", which i'm surprised that the parties involved didnt press charges against each other, frankly... but his other kid smokes and NO ONE IDENTIFIES THAT. That bothered me, but that's just it... he's living in his own world, where everything is about him, so when he sees that his kid is smoking, he's so busy lamenting about how his life sucks that he can't even say "what are these? I know what they are, but what sucks so bad that you feel the need to smoke?" he just looks at them in her bag & goes on about how he's failed. And he's right. He's stuck in this cycle. He failed, but since he's so hung up on himself, he can't move on and therefore keeps going on failing.

On another level, the movie shows how you can get everything and still not be happy... I mean, this guy... he get's PAID... but he can't appreciate it because he's too busy wallowing in self pity. No wonder no one wants to be around him. I'd have told him to grow a spine & grow up. He's so busy wallowing in self pity that he wants to know how to fix things, so he and his wife go to this counsellor, and they write something that they've never told the other person. then they give it to them, under the impression that the other person will NEVER READ IT. So you can guess what happens. He views this as his opportunity to figure out something that bothers her so he can fix it, as if this one chance will fix everything and make him have a perfect life in his mind again. So he reads it. Which, since he's stuck in his own little world, makes sense. he's got the golden ticket to finding out where he screwed up. Only it backfires. NOT reading it was the pupose of the excercise. NOT reading it was the golden ticket.

Yes. This guy sucks. Yes. He keeps doing everything wrong. And he will keep on doing everything wrong until he realizes that it's not about him.

One part I liked was that his thought that his wife was attracted to money backfired. He figures if he gets the job that's worth a million bucks and some change, that she'll come back to him for the money. And with her, it's not about the money. It was never about the money. It was about him.

< editor's note: I like how the last sentence of that paragraph contradicts the last sentence of the paragraph before it. I'll rephrase with "It was never about the money: it was about him and his obsession with himself." /end edit >

Anyways, so he develops a strength. He gets a hobby. In doing so, he develops the focus, and strength that he needs to push him into self exceptance. Anyways he doesn't make it into model husband/father land. But not too many people do.

Sometimes, a frog is just a frog.

But he did change. He started to live his life for himself, instead of in the past, trying to reclaim some lost glory he never had in the first place. He stops living for other people, calls himself on where he is, and keeps going. That is a success. A small one, but a succes nevertheless. Life is work-in-progress. I think it's assinine to think that life can be tied neatly up in a bow. The guy does change. And that one small change could lead to larger ones. But it'shis life, and we were only allowed a glimpse into it. Maybe the guy goes on to learn to put the toilet seat down after he's done. Maybe he finds some hot chick and remarries. But that's for him to have.

Really, I'm happy for the guy who finally got to be comfortable with who he is, at where he is. That's a victory. Yes, he's still an asshole, but at least *now he knows and can recognize that he is one*. The first step to solving the problem, as the cliche standard goes, is admitting you have one. And that first step, as another cliche standard claims, is usually the hardest.

Good for him!

b

Didn't know there was an "us"

So I had a double shift on saturday (sorry for the 2 day delay in posting this) and in the evening, the rec side had a wedding reception, which means 1 staff member (usually Cole) and 1 Park Police Officer (usually... well, 75-80% chance of it being ParkPoliceMan).

So, Cole & I are smalltalking while I get something for a patron who was my event, and here comes a Park Officer to work Cole's event, who was not ParkPoliceMan... and he's all, bravada, like 10 questions all at once, to the point where I'm abou to get my bag for my license & registration: Oh, so you work the other side (you mean the side whose office you're in now? I should have said that. Didn't.), What do you have going on, Are you new? My name is [I'd call him PPM2, but I don't wanna steal PPM's thunder...] You've never heard of me? I'm a LieutenantI've never met you, you must be new, what's your name?

And Cole jumps in at this point with "That's ParkPoliceMan's woman"

And I just look at Cole like, I cannot believe you just said that and there's this silence while PPM2 (shudder, I *have* to find him a new name... TheLieutenant) sizes me up & says "oh really?" and then attempts to save face & move the subject along & ignore how awkward it suddenly became by following it up with this gem: Oh, you're the reason he spends so much time down here? I'm glad he's got a woman, we all thought he was a little funny"

...

What?

That was wrong on so many accounts... One, I'm not his woman, which I had to keep reiterating, and he's definetly not gay. Definetly. Anyways, I'd say I wasn't his woman, and Cole'd say "naw, all they do is fight, what does that tell you?" And TheLieutenant said "they're made for each other" and I said "I AM NOT PARKPOLICEMAN'S WOMAN!"

I really felt like I'd gone back 100 years as far as women's lib cause here are two guys talking about a relationship that may or may not exist between me and someone else like I'm not even there, completely disregarding what I'm saying.

So then TheLieutenant calls ParkPoliceMan and talks to him about me. Then he calls me to the phone and ParkPoliceMan's all "What did you tell him about us?" and I was like "uh, one, I didn't know there was an us, and two, I said nothing, Cole's the one who's all like I'm your woman" and he says "oh, okay" like it's okay coming from cole and not from me, not that I would have put that out there anyone, Since I AM NO ONE'S WOMAN, which is what I kept saying on Saturday. I BELONG TO NO MAN. Then there was an "okay, ttyl" and we hung up.


READ THAT, INTERNET UNIVERSE? I AM NOT YOURS. I AM NOT HIS. I BELONG TO NO MAN. GET IT THROUGH YOUR SKULLS.

b

Men and The Man

What does it mean when one person can control wether you feel good or feel worthless?

I have big balls and I cannot lie

Okay. I have now heard it from three different men who do not know each other at all, that I should have been a dude. Apparently, I think like a man.

TheBesu also said to me that I'm one of the few women (or did he say only? I can't remember...) that knows when to shut up.

I love compliments! Keep 'em coming!

I told him I took a quiz that said I was the perfect girlfriend. So I said, tell that to my ex boyfriends, and he said "no, you're the perfect girlfriend, they weren't the perfect boyfriend"

isn't he great? I tell ya.

b

notawkward: mind if I ask a wierd question?
me: sure
me: i reserve the right to not answer
notawkward: of course, but this is an easy one. I was just wondering if you where surprised that your presence is missed in the artistic community. It sounded like surprise to me, but that might just be the internet
me: i was/ am surprised, yes
me: life goes on, ya know? didnt think anyone noticed me gone
notawkward: ah, then may allow me to make an observation, I wonder if you sometimes sell yourself short to yourself at least
me: i'm game, go on, you've got my attention
notawkward: oh, I just remember first thinking that from one of your other posts, and it seems to me that no matter what the emotional self feels like thinking, it's important that at least the inteelectual self recognize our value. The emotional self will catch up eventually. That's my theory at least
me: =)
me: then my intellectual self is alone and focused
me: my emotional self is paralysed
me: i'm strangely okay with the arrangement
notawkward: yeah, I know that feeling well. I figure the emotional self catches up eventually.
notawkward: well that was my random moment of lucidness for the week, I'm going to bed
me: haha
me: thanks
me: notawkward, you know, it means alot to me.

Only I don't quite Love him

DateFinder: Hot Theater Man Love = HTML
DateFinder: can't belive you missed that!!!



I can't believe I missed that, either. Actually, I can, because I don't love him, so the idea never entered my head. Should I entertain the idea?? Hrm...

; )

b


< edited to add > Hot Theater Tech PERSON = HTTP
Beat THAT, DateFinder!

what was that?

So I walk in, and it's all married couples and me.
What was that?
That's an exaggeration.. I think there were three unmarried guys there, me, another girl, and two people who may as well be married but aren't official yet. Everyone else was a parent or a member of the household.

I got to see some people I havent seen in a while, though. I left early, which was good.

Eh. Maybe the event's purpose was miscommunicated to me.

Singles night that was not.

b

i'm so happy

I got a text message this morning from... I have to think of a name for him... Wow, this is harder than I thought... What name do I make up for a person who was such a good actor at playing evil that he gave me nightmares for two weeks until I met him a year later at a party I ended up hooking up with a man who would later become my fiance and then I found out that scary guy wasnt so scary and REALLY HOT and we all stayed up watching Angus until he fell asleep and then FirstLove and I made out but two years later (four years ago) that fell apart because I made it fall apart and this year he looked me up & emailed me and now we're getting to be good friends? What do I call him? Hot Theater Tech Boy? Hot Theater Tech MAN. HTTM.

Okay so HTTM texts me this morning with a generic how are you, hope you're okay, and it made my morning. I'm not okay. I'm in a ton of pain, but it was nice to know that he still checks in on me. Which made me think of the other people that have checked in on me, namely ItsNotAwkwardAnymore, who reminded me that I'm a writer and should be writing. That meant the absolute world to me. This is my vent space, goddamnit and here I shall vent. If I vent about you, that's part of the give & take, isn't it. You read to see what's going on in my life, and if what's going on in my life is you, then you might see you here. If you can't take that, don't read my blog. It's a chance you take. It's also why I protect people's real identities with madeup names.

Anyways, I saw TCP's Choreographer today, completely forgetting that they're rehearsing for Nuncrackers, and we caught up. She lied & said I look good as always, and I laughed and told her briefly about what's been going on in my life. She's still in shock, and got kinda miffed when I said I wasn't doing theater anymore. She was like "What do you mean you're not performing, [her business partner and her] have been looking for you because we've got some shows coming up" and I explained why and she said to leave this place & go to some real theaters and then I explained futher that I can't perform even if I wanted to, because I can't do my job. I'm emotionally paralyzed, how am I supposed to act with no emotions? I can't even go up or down a flight of stairs without getting dizzy how am I supposed to do jazz & ballet combinations? How can I do my job? I can't. So she told me they're precasting this August Wilson play, (who just HAPPENS to be my favourite playwright of all time who also just recently died) and then we discussed the beauty and poeticness of his death and then I talked about my views on death, which she said was a very functional perspective.

So that made me happy, that she was mad at me for not acting. ItsNotAwkwardAnymore is mad at me for not writing, TCPChoreo is mad at me for not acting... I'm glad. It means my artistic presence is missed in the field. My friends have been calling me to check up on me, which means my presence is missed in their lives. In all, it's very rewarding to have people call you and say "where the hell are you/have you been?"

It's also amusing, cause I came to work and I wasn't smiling. That's all... well aside from the fact that it's raining and thus I have a monster headache... All that was different was I wasn't smiling (unless there was some signal they could pick up on that I didn't know I was sending)... and it reminded me of all the times the guards ask me if something's wrong if all I'm doing is not smiling. The thought of that made me laugh, because it was like if i'm not smiling then something's wrong. I know I just restated the sentence, but it tickles me. That's how often I've got a smile on my face. I smile so much that people worry if I'm not.

I love that.

So, good things happened to me today. Head hurts like a mother, but eh it hurts everyday. So...

Anyways, tonight is singles night. I'm going out of sheer curiosity. Singles night = trap. Don't ever forget it. All they do is throw "singles night" as an excuse to let two people get together under the guise of a party, and if you should find someone and it wasn't part of their pre-established master plan of how the night was supposed to go for their benefit and specifically not yours, they'll gossip about you until they're ruined your good name in light of their own. So I'm going. Sadistic, ain't it? I figure I go & be set dressing, and get the dirt firsthand. I bet there won't even be any good looking guys there. I'm more worried about how I'm going to drive home. So I'm not staying long. I wasn't even going (since I didnt know about it) but mom tells me last night "tomorrow we're going to ___'s house for singles night" and I respond "tomorrow I have a paper to revise" and she comes back with "well, you're still going anyways". So I'm going. But I'm not staying long. The moment I get tired, I'm going home. 'Cause I do not want to fall asleep behind the wheel, driving home from a social mixer meant for other people to get hooked up on a saturday night. Maybe if it was monday I wouldn't mind falling asleep behind the wheel, but a Saturday? forget it. [if you couldnt pickup on that sarcasm... you need help]

And speaking of papers, I now know I am not an overachiever. I think I'm not saying anything new here, but my draft that I cranked out an hour before class landed me a preliminary B for content and C for mechanics. I'm sitting here trying to revise it, and I'm like "why am i Stressing over this? it's a b! that's good! I'm fine with a b." So I might fix the mechanics some but I mean, it's a decent paper. What do I need an A for? I'm not stressing. So I'll revise it since that's the assignment, but I'm not "OMG I NEED AN A" stressing. I got a B on a paper I cranked out an hour before class. That's the accomplishment.

Anyways, that's about everything. I have more, but I'll save it for another day.
=) Besides, I think that's long enough, don't you?

Welcome Back, banaf5h3h. I've missed me.

< editor's note: > I KNOW that the singles night/trap paragraph has a ton of sentence fragments in it. I do NOT feel like revising it. Take some of the periods out in your mind and slice them together to form a flowing phrase that isn't stopped short with a period. Thank you. =)

Why the hitchhikers guide is always right:

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9756077/

welcome back

It’s Kind of Awkward Now: So, have you given up on your blog comepletly or are you just on hiatus?
It’s Kind of Awkward Now: if so that's too bad, I like hearing what you think about things
me: thanks
me: i havent had the time or topics to write about
me: well... i've been too frustrated to put things into words
me: i'd log in, and stare at the screen
me: it's funny, because i miss my blog too
me: thanks for noticing i've been gone
It’s Kind of Awkward Now: np, it was like part o my weekly routine to check in on you. ... I usually don't have much to write about either, but that's why I draw stuff
It’s Kind of Awkward Now signed off at 11:33:10 PM.
It’s Kind of Awkward Now signed on at 11:33:51 PM.
It’s Kind of Awkward Now: I thought you blogged to get your frustrations out

falling off the pedestal

i had a wake up call today. i'm not perfect. i met this guy, and he talked me up to a pedestal so much. well he visited me, and he screwed one thing up, but when he asked me about it, the floodgates kinda opened and i looked at everything that went wrong when he visited me. i picked the poor guy apart because i somehow had the right to do it. but i don't. no one does. and he called me on it. so I thank him for reminding me that i'm still a human, and I make mistakes just as much as anyone else... only when i f up, i strike low... and i should have just focused on how he gives the best hugs i've had in a while and how it was nice to see him again.

b

Just Make Me Over!

i am *so* angry right now.
I am going to give the links, and I'll rant about why it's wrong later.

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/347520p-296543c.html
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9397182/

grrrrr

b

Abstinence in the Suburb

You know what feels good?
Being single.
Having fun, meeting people, expanding my social network.

It All Feels Good.

I'm actually learning to have fun.

This is fun, right?

b

Borders Bookstore Man

So, I have a bookclub meeting today at the Borders, and I walk away to try to talk to the manager (who is rather like the wizard of Oz in that he's behind this curtain and no one can talk to him except through intermediate go-betweens)...

Oh yeah, there's this guy who keeps eyeing me. that's sorta important.

anyways I come back to my chair and there's a post-it on my stuff with a phone number on it. So, I faked like I didn't know what it was... I mean, really... Who knows if it was him?

And one of the people I was with in the group said they found it on the ground and put it on my stuff. So... it wasn't him after all. So I tried to find out who it belonged to, and I asked the sound guy for this jazz thing that was setting up and he said, "nope, but I'll take care of it" and crumpled it up & threw it away.

So, Kevin, if that was you...
I did that on purpose.

b, feeling like a cold-hearted bitch

I am not a tootsie roll

So don't lick me to get to my center.

I had a guy try to convince me that I wanted him to go down on me today.
Sample quotes:

"You'd like it."

The others I'd rather not relive.

b

I am a blueberry bagel

So I was starving. Hadn't eaten breakfast. So I get offered a blueberry bagel. So I take the offer, and add a thin layer (well, thin for me, I love cream cheese). Then, the following conversation occurred:

"Thank you for the bagel, it is so fresh and delicious!"
"Just like you"
"Oh, no, I don't get fresh."
"No, I meant delicious."


...

b

Round One

I went to Giant today, and got asked to be a Boxing Ring Card Girl.

I'm actually thinking about it.

In spite of myself, I'm actually thinking about it.

wow.

b

WOW

The most incredulous thing just happened.
Someone told me what to do.
Not in a constructive, "if I was in your situation, I'd..."
Not in response to my asking them for guidance.

Just out of the blue, their opinon of what I should do.

< backstory >
A friend of mine made a comment to me today that I take other people's emotions far too much into consideration to the point where I'm stifling myself when I get frustrated. She suggested that I work on that. She said "You care too much about other people's feelings, that's why they walk over you. We're going to have to work on that. When I get upset about something, I say so. When [boyfriend] pisses me off, I let him know. He might get mad, but that's how I feel. I have to say how I feel."

While I find her method a bit extreme, it still had some validity to it. I do take other people's emotions too much to heart. And I know a number of people who would agree that I let others walk over me. That's part of why I got this blog in the first place, to have an outlet of the frustration that builds from *not* being able to say what I want to [see the very first post].

I just told a friend of mine what she told me about myself, and he responded with "don't listen to her". What a freaking controlling thing to say. I hadn't asked him for his opinion in the matter. I hadn't asked him what he thought. He was one of the people who agreed that I let people walk all over me in the first place. If ANYTHING, he would have been in agreement with her. Again, maybe not to that extreme, but still, what she said has *some* validity. I need to work on not getting walked all over. That includes sticking up for myself. Granted, that includes tact, and diplomacy, but still...

How can you tell me not to listen to someone? And it's not the first time this person has told me not to listen to someone. They told me not to listen to TBF. And I'd already warned them that telling the women in my family what to do does not go down well. We've got a history of dating controlling SOBs who tell us how to run our lives until they're running them themselves, and we just let them cause we dont want to offend them by having our own ideas.

Well, I have my own mind, thank you. I'd like to be trusted enough to use it.

He didnt even ask me what I thought about what she said. He just jumped straight to the conclusion that I'd adopted her words as my new credo, "fuck you, this is how i feel". That's a little too selfish for my taste. He didn't even ask me, "what do you think about what she said?" Had he asked me that, I'd have said "she has a point, but I can't just tell *everyone off*..."

This is all so goddamn ironic.
I'd actually been holding in something HE said to me, that made me feel uncomfortable, trying to figure out how to bring the subject up with tact and diplomacy, since I need to work on that too... and in worrying about it all day today, she picked up on the fact that something was bothering me and said "you worry too much about other people's feelings." That I needed to let it out and let him know how i felt about the potentially touchy subject. And that if he got mad, it's not my fault, because people are entitled to their emotions, even if they're in conflict. BUT then when I saw the opportunity to bring it up tonight, and I did, in my own way, I saw he'd made a decision that made me feel better thus making bringing up the subject completely and risking an argument unneccesary.

So I dropped it. And got to work on forgetting and forgiving.

Then he dropped the "Don't listen to her".

That set me off. Do not tell me who I can and cannot speak or listen to. I'm not in the army and I'm not a pet in obedience school.

Don't give me commands.

Yes, I see the irony in that statement.

Red flag. Red. Flag.

b