Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Has it Been Three Years?
Wow. Where does the time go?
For me, the time was spent in a causality loop, and I'm still in recovery.
In Recovery.
Two words that carry a lot of weight. I'll need to sort with my thoughts and get back to this one.
b
Saturday, March 17, 2012
The end of an Era
Nobody is perfect. Not you, not me, not anyone. As we go about trying to find our life partners, we look for people who...
Some look for people who are imperfect in the same way, so that they can comiserate together, or understand the struggle
Some look for people who are imperfect in a different way, so that they can play on each other's strengths.
Some people look for happiness. These people are dangerous. I've come to slowly believe that Happiness is a trick people tell themselves to get out of committment. If I have made a vow to you, it's for thick and thin, period. Better or worse. People who search for happiness forget the "or worse" because they're searching for the "better" all the time. Sometimes, you have to get through the "worse" to get to the "better."
If you're looking for better, and you find yourself in good, and good goes bad, and you stay, because you believe that once you've gone through worse, you'll see better, how wrong is it to leave once better comes around?
Now you decide you don't trust it?
Thing about happiness is, it goes both ways. My problem is that I spend so much of my time trying to make the other person happy that I forget how miserable that can make me, or how much of myself I give up in the process. Every. Time.
This time, especially. It snuck up on me, how much I'd given up. How because the other person wasn't happy, I'd changed. The idea isn't to change FOR the other person, it's to change WITH the other person. To grow together.
I haven't learned yet. I don't accept full responsibility for the fall of this relationship, because not everything was my fault. I can only accept responsibility for my actions. The irony is, he's got the power in the relationship at the moment. He's deciding wether or not he wants to stay, and he'll tell me or we'll come together on the 21st to discuss his findings.
I'm not waiting. I've gone through my journey, and got here. I went through my trials of fire, and came out charred, but okay because I am THAT strong. If he needs time to sort out his life, there's nothing I can do about that other than live my life. If his thoughts sort themselves to me, then that's gravy. If not, he becomes a serious lesson in what rules to break and which ones never to. All I can do is move on with my life, and do the best I can. I owe myself that much.
It sounds really selfish, and it's odd to feel this self-protectant. I'm sure it won't last. That's just the kind of person I am with relationships, I'm a giver.
I just don't understand happiness chasers. Relationships aren't happy all the time. There's growth periods, which hurt like no other, but there's love and commitment that carries you through it all. I guess that's where I'm a romantic, where I believe, I truly do, that if you're commited to something, then you stick it through, no matter what.
Don't give anyone anything that you can't get back, don't believe anyone 100%.
Commitment requires proof, and pledging daily, or weekly, or monthly, or annually to stick it through. Commitment isn't watching someone go through something scary, and freaking out when they come out of it and finally see everything you've been trying to get them to.
After all that, I'm still here. I'm commited to this and I've invested a lot in both the relationship and myself in order to make it work. I hope that the strides I've made are respected enough to see this thing through. If not, like I said, it's just one (huge) life lesson.
Either way, I'll be okay.
b
Some look for people who are imperfect in the same way, so that they can comiserate together, or understand the struggle
Some look for people who are imperfect in a different way, so that they can play on each other's strengths.
Some people look for happiness. These people are dangerous. I've come to slowly believe that Happiness is a trick people tell themselves to get out of committment. If I have made a vow to you, it's for thick and thin, period. Better or worse. People who search for happiness forget the "or worse" because they're searching for the "better" all the time. Sometimes, you have to get through the "worse" to get to the "better."
If you're looking for better, and you find yourself in good, and good goes bad, and you stay, because you believe that once you've gone through worse, you'll see better, how wrong is it to leave once better comes around?
Now you decide you don't trust it?
Thing about happiness is, it goes both ways. My problem is that I spend so much of my time trying to make the other person happy that I forget how miserable that can make me, or how much of myself I give up in the process. Every. Time.
This time, especially. It snuck up on me, how much I'd given up. How because the other person wasn't happy, I'd changed. The idea isn't to change FOR the other person, it's to change WITH the other person. To grow together.
I haven't learned yet. I don't accept full responsibility for the fall of this relationship, because not everything was my fault. I can only accept responsibility for my actions. The irony is, he's got the power in the relationship at the moment. He's deciding wether or not he wants to stay, and he'll tell me or we'll come together on the 21st to discuss his findings.
I'm not waiting. I've gone through my journey, and got here. I went through my trials of fire, and came out charred, but okay because I am THAT strong. If he needs time to sort out his life, there's nothing I can do about that other than live my life. If his thoughts sort themselves to me, then that's gravy. If not, he becomes a serious lesson in what rules to break and which ones never to. All I can do is move on with my life, and do the best I can. I owe myself that much.
It sounds really selfish, and it's odd to feel this self-protectant. I'm sure it won't last. That's just the kind of person I am with relationships, I'm a giver.
I just don't understand happiness chasers. Relationships aren't happy all the time. There's growth periods, which hurt like no other, but there's love and commitment that carries you through it all. I guess that's where I'm a romantic, where I believe, I truly do, that if you're commited to something, then you stick it through, no matter what.
Don't give anyone anything that you can't get back, don't believe anyone 100%.
Commitment requires proof, and pledging daily, or weekly, or monthly, or annually to stick it through. Commitment isn't watching someone go through something scary, and freaking out when they come out of it and finally see everything you've been trying to get them to.
After all that, I'm still here. I'm commited to this and I've invested a lot in both the relationship and myself in order to make it work. I hope that the strides I've made are respected enough to see this thing through. If not, like I said, it's just one (huge) life lesson.
Either way, I'll be okay.
b
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Cultural entrapments of the tired insomiac
I am an American. Worse, I'm bi-racial. Even worse, still, I'm bi-ethnic. The absolute worst thing? I'm bi-cultural.
And I don't want to be.
I've toted the line, growing up Persian in a Black environment, fitting in where I can, picking and choosing the roles, rules, mores and fores as each situation presents itself, and thorougly driving myself slowly insane.
You see, I have been taken advantage of, in the name of culture. For 30 years, I have given everything I have in the name of obedience, and being a "good girl." I gave up on my dreams, convinced myself I couldnt have my own life, and didn't know what it was like to think for myself, and I was such a "good girl."
Now, it's 2:15 pm on a Monday morning, and I can't sleep because of all the things going on inside my head. I let other people rule me for so long, that now, when I speak up for myself, the ex-rulers can't even give me credit for my thoughts; they assume someone else put them there.
How offensive is that?
I don't have a family. I have selfish people who only care what the outside world thinks of them. As long as their public persona is perfect, they can be rude, mean and nasty to me and the people I care about behind closed doors.
This is ridiculous. I'm not playing by anyone's rules but my own at this point, and it's just a matter of learning how to continue from here. I'm sure I'll make some mistakes, even some serious ones, but hopefully I'll learn from them, bounce back, and KEEP IT MOVING.
b
And I don't want to be.
I've toted the line, growing up Persian in a Black environment, fitting in where I can, picking and choosing the roles, rules, mores and fores as each situation presents itself, and thorougly driving myself slowly insane.
You see, I have been taken advantage of, in the name of culture. For 30 years, I have given everything I have in the name of obedience, and being a "good girl." I gave up on my dreams, convinced myself I couldnt have my own life, and didn't know what it was like to think for myself, and I was such a "good girl."
Now, it's 2:15 pm on a Monday morning, and I can't sleep because of all the things going on inside my head. I let other people rule me for so long, that now, when I speak up for myself, the ex-rulers can't even give me credit for my thoughts; they assume someone else put them there.
How offensive is that?
I don't have a family. I have selfish people who only care what the outside world thinks of them. As long as their public persona is perfect, they can be rude, mean and nasty to me and the people I care about behind closed doors.
This is ridiculous. I'm not playing by anyone's rules but my own at this point, and it's just a matter of learning how to continue from here. I'm sure I'll make some mistakes, even some serious ones, but hopefully I'll learn from them, bounce back, and KEEP IT MOVING.
b
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
He's everywhere! or, Why I was having a really bad, no good terrible awful day the other day.
I laugh at the Universe, because the Universe laughs at me.
My future husband mentors in a program designed for underpriviledged youth to build skills in business and other areas they will need or could potentially need in life. That's a really watered down description of the work that the mentors do and the program does, and I certainly don't want to downplay or belittle their efforts, hard work, and process, but that's not the point.
The point is, the mentoring program had a closing session, and afterwards, the mentors, including my future husband, decided to go out together for a post-mentorship celebration. At the happy hour, my future husband tells the director that he doesn't think he'll be returning, because he's moving (to my city) when he gets married, and he's not sure about the commute.
This, pricks the ear of one of his fellow mentors, who mentions that they grew up in my city. So the conversation follows some close pattern:
My Future Husband: I might not be back next year. I'm moving out to Blah, and I'm not sure about the commute.
Co-Mentor: Really? I grew up there.
MFH: Really, yeah, my future wife did too, she went to This High School.
CM: Really? I graduated from there! What year did she graduate?
MFH: (This) Year
CM: That's the year I graduated...
MFH: Really? Do you know her? Her name is ____.
CM: Wow.
So my future husband, happy to meet a mutual friend of mine, takes a picture and forwards it to me.
It's my ex boyfriend. The musician.
This would not have been an issue, except for the day I had prior to that, not 2 hours before.
::Two hours before::
My father called me to tell me something was troubling him from a conversation he'd had with my mother. I invited him over, where he listed information that he'd been presented with by her. These bits of information were half-truths, mis-directions, and outright lies. I listened to my father, sorted through the muck of mud that was slung on my relationship and impending marriage, distinguished where she'd half-truthed and added the missing pieces, put somethings in their proper context, and shone the light on all the rest of the things said in the dark.
This is my Mother. The woman who gave birth to me and raised me.
Then, my Father makes peace with all the abandonment he put me through when I was a child. We made peace. I told him, you know, I own my own home, I'm getting married, I made it to 30 without premarital sex, babies, STDs, or a drug addiction, I think I made it out okay. We're stronger now.
Then, he dropped a bomb on me. He told me that there was a custody battle for me when my parents were divorcing. As such, a psych evaluation was done, and my mother came back borderline unstable. That blew me away. You mean, you KNEW, that the person who raised me was borderline unstable and you LEFT ME?
I'm over it, now, but I was a wreck at the time, and seeing the picture of my ex just added another level of emotions I wasn't prepared to handle, and I didn't do too well.
I'm definetly okay now, thanks to prayer and good company.
And a heck of a man I can't wait to marry.
b
My future husband mentors in a program designed for underpriviledged youth to build skills in business and other areas they will need or could potentially need in life. That's a really watered down description of the work that the mentors do and the program does, and I certainly don't want to downplay or belittle their efforts, hard work, and process, but that's not the point.
The point is, the mentoring program had a closing session, and afterwards, the mentors, including my future husband, decided to go out together for a post-mentorship celebration. At the happy hour, my future husband tells the director that he doesn't think he'll be returning, because he's moving (to my city) when he gets married, and he's not sure about the commute.
This, pricks the ear of one of his fellow mentors, who mentions that they grew up in my city. So the conversation follows some close pattern:
My Future Husband: I might not be back next year. I'm moving out to Blah, and I'm not sure about the commute.
Co-Mentor: Really? I grew up there.
MFH: Really, yeah, my future wife did too, she went to This High School.
CM: Really? I graduated from there! What year did she graduate?
MFH: (This) Year
CM: That's the year I graduated...
MFH: Really? Do you know her? Her name is ____.
CM: Wow.
So my future husband, happy to meet a mutual friend of mine, takes a picture and forwards it to me.
It's my ex boyfriend. The musician.
This would not have been an issue, except for the day I had prior to that, not 2 hours before.
::Two hours before::
My father called me to tell me something was troubling him from a conversation he'd had with my mother. I invited him over, where he listed information that he'd been presented with by her. These bits of information were half-truths, mis-directions, and outright lies. I listened to my father, sorted through the muck of mud that was slung on my relationship and impending marriage, distinguished where she'd half-truthed and added the missing pieces, put somethings in their proper context, and shone the light on all the rest of the things said in the dark.
This is my Mother. The woman who gave birth to me and raised me.
Then, my Father makes peace with all the abandonment he put me through when I was a child. We made peace. I told him, you know, I own my own home, I'm getting married, I made it to 30 without premarital sex, babies, STDs, or a drug addiction, I think I made it out okay. We're stronger now.
Then, he dropped a bomb on me. He told me that there was a custody battle for me when my parents were divorcing. As such, a psych evaluation was done, and my mother came back borderline unstable. That blew me away. You mean, you KNEW, that the person who raised me was borderline unstable and you LEFT ME?
I'm over it, now, but I was a wreck at the time, and seeing the picture of my ex just added another level of emotions I wasn't prepared to handle, and I didn't do too well.
I'm definetly okay now, thanks to prayer and good company.
And a heck of a man I can't wait to marry.
b
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Saturday, January 01, 2011
blah blah blah
It's January 1.
The start of the year according to the Gregorian Calendar.
Not mine.
Make your own resolutions, you're just going to break them. Why not make yourself this single promise instead: To live life. Your life, and not anyone else's.
Don't promise yourself you'll join a gym you won't go to, don't promise yourself you'll save money you haven't got.
Promise to live your life. That way, when you reflect on what life you want to have, you'll reconsider the extra-fudge brownie, for two reasons: you'll have saved twice over. Once for the $2.75 that could have gone to gas money or groceries, and twice for the 275 calories you didn't eat.
I've been trying to make an active lifestyle change. Not for the new year, not even for my upcoming wedding, but for me. For the fact that I want to live properly. I want to be healthy, and that's not coming from a gym membership. That's coming from the little choices I make that will inevitably make differences in the long term in my life.
bw
The start of the year according to the Gregorian Calendar.
Not mine.
Make your own resolutions, you're just going to break them. Why not make yourself this single promise instead: To live life. Your life, and not anyone else's.
Don't promise yourself you'll join a gym you won't go to, don't promise yourself you'll save money you haven't got.
Promise to live your life. That way, when you reflect on what life you want to have, you'll reconsider the extra-fudge brownie, for two reasons: you'll have saved twice over. Once for the $2.75 that could have gone to gas money or groceries, and twice for the 275 calories you didn't eat.
I've been trying to make an active lifestyle change. Not for the new year, not even for my upcoming wedding, but for me. For the fact that I want to live properly. I want to be healthy, and that's not coming from a gym membership. That's coming from the little choices I make that will inevitably make differences in the long term in my life.
bw
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Dear every ex-boyfriend
I wouldn't say it's "you know" as much as "you receive constant and continued affirmations."
When he speaks, it's as though someone's taken my deepest, innermost, private thoughts and breathed life into them. My private aspirations and opinions, my deepest ruminings on the status of current local, national and global events and hit them with a neon light saying, "hey! pay attention! this is important!"
I have been waiting for this my whole life. I have waded through realtionship after relationship. I have bought into other people's visions of what I could be.
I mourned the termination of my last relationship.
The timing could not have been more perfect.
I *had* to break up when I did, so that I would be free to meet him. And, more importantly, free to be open to the possibility of him.
Dear every ex-boyfriend I've ever had,
Thank you. Thank you for making me the woman I am today. For proving again and again that you were not the one for me. Because of you, I know who is.
Most sincerely and with great thanks,
b
When he speaks, it's as though someone's taken my deepest, innermost, private thoughts and breathed life into them. My private aspirations and opinions, my deepest ruminings on the status of current local, national and global events and hit them with a neon light saying, "hey! pay attention! this is important!"
I have been waiting for this my whole life. I have waded through realtionship after relationship. I have bought into other people's visions of what I could be.
I mourned the termination of my last relationship.
The timing could not have been more perfect.
I *had* to break up when I did, so that I would be free to meet him. And, more importantly, free to be open to the possibility of him.
Dear every ex-boyfriend I've ever had,
Thank you. Thank you for making me the woman I am today. For proving again and again that you were not the one for me. Because of you, I know who is.
Most sincerely and with great thanks,
b
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Free your mind, and the rest will follow
There is so much going on.
For the next several weeks, I only have one day per week (Thursday) where nothing is planned after 3 pm.
I stopped writing, which used to be my way of detoxifying all my stressors, so this is a nice reminder to return to the outlet that helped me the most.
I met my man's family this weekend. That was such a wonderful experience. They are warm and inviting. I wish my family returns the sentiments to him that his gave to me.
My health is in a downward spiral. I say that very lightly. If you know me, then you know that in 2004 or '05 I sustained a head injury that left me paralysed on the left side of my body for quite some time. I've since recovered fine motor skills, but I'll leave out all the stuff you don't need to know. If you didn't know that, consider yourself informed. Moving on, I basically plateaud on the pain and recovery scale, and along with all the insurance beurocracy and ultimate depression that followed, gave up pursuing any sort of further and future full recovery.
Needless to say, recently, a string of physical clues led me to a hospital stay, which led me to a doctor follow up, which led me to multiple scans, mris, contrast flushes, and more stuff I don't want to know about in the medical profession's search to find out what, exactly, is wrong with me.
My friday looks like this:
9 am Drink 24 ox of water over next hour in order to flood bladder. Don't pee.
10 am Ultrasound: Pelvis. Checking ovaries and kidneys for any issue.
1030 am Ultrasound: bilateral legs. Out by 1230 pm.
1 pm Tablet of Visitation for Commemoration of the Martyrdom of the Bab.
330 pm Round 2. Hooray! Mri of the brain, and then MRI of the neck & shoulders.
Round 1 is for my primary care physician. If she can't see anything, she's referring me to a vascular surgeon to figure it out. Round 2 is for my neurologist, who ordered all this stuff a year ago, and because I chose my job over my health, I never went.
That was such a good idea.
Anyways, I'm tired. Science is observation-driven. If it doesn't show up on the bloodtest, or the x-ray, or the mri, or the ultra-sound, it doesn't exist. I understand this scientific method. I respect it. It doesn't help me, and hasn't helped yet, because all my blood tests come back negative, all my mris scan negative, all my flushes come back negative.
Yet I'm still swollen. I still have headaches. At least the swelling is obvious. A doctor can see the evidence of something that doesn't work properly in my body.
In the meanwhile, I am still working two jobs. I am still participating in work stressors. I am also heavily invested in religious activities, and am on two important committees that require attention, time and focused energy. I'm taking book 5, which is to tutor junior youth groups, and that takes time and energy, and a two-day per week committment, which happens to be two important days that I could be making money. That financial sacrifice is certainly on my mind.
In addition to all of this, I somehow managed to direct a musical, and am now considering returning to the stage. Further, there's a project I've wanted to do for a long time and it's just been gnawing and gnawing at me. I think it's time to begin it. When can I?
There's just a lot going on.
I'm trying to keep everything in perspective.
Anyways, that's my little corner of the world,
b
For the next several weeks, I only have one day per week (Thursday) where nothing is planned after 3 pm.
I stopped writing, which used to be my way of detoxifying all my stressors, so this is a nice reminder to return to the outlet that helped me the most.
I met my man's family this weekend. That was such a wonderful experience. They are warm and inviting. I wish my family returns the sentiments to him that his gave to me.
My health is in a downward spiral. I say that very lightly. If you know me, then you know that in 2004 or '05 I sustained a head injury that left me paralysed on the left side of my body for quite some time. I've since recovered fine motor skills, but I'll leave out all the stuff you don't need to know. If you didn't know that, consider yourself informed. Moving on, I basically plateaud on the pain and recovery scale, and along with all the insurance beurocracy and ultimate depression that followed, gave up pursuing any sort of further and future full recovery.
Needless to say, recently, a string of physical clues led me to a hospital stay, which led me to a doctor follow up, which led me to multiple scans, mris, contrast flushes, and more stuff I don't want to know about in the medical profession's search to find out what, exactly, is wrong with me.
My friday looks like this:
9 am Drink 24 ox of water over next hour in order to flood bladder. Don't pee.
10 am Ultrasound: Pelvis. Checking ovaries and kidneys for any issue.
1030 am Ultrasound: bilateral legs. Out by 1230 pm.
1 pm Tablet of Visitation for Commemoration of the Martyrdom of the Bab.
330 pm Round 2. Hooray! Mri of the brain, and then MRI of the neck & shoulders.
Round 1 is for my primary care physician. If she can't see anything, she's referring me to a vascular surgeon to figure it out. Round 2 is for my neurologist, who ordered all this stuff a year ago, and because I chose my job over my health, I never went.
That was such a good idea.
Anyways, I'm tired. Science is observation-driven. If it doesn't show up on the bloodtest, or the x-ray, or the mri, or the ultra-sound, it doesn't exist. I understand this scientific method. I respect it. It doesn't help me, and hasn't helped yet, because all my blood tests come back negative, all my mris scan negative, all my flushes come back negative.
Yet I'm still swollen. I still have headaches. At least the swelling is obvious. A doctor can see the evidence of something that doesn't work properly in my body.
In the meanwhile, I am still working two jobs. I am still participating in work stressors. I am also heavily invested in religious activities, and am on two important committees that require attention, time and focused energy. I'm taking book 5, which is to tutor junior youth groups, and that takes time and energy, and a two-day per week committment, which happens to be two important days that I could be making money. That financial sacrifice is certainly on my mind.
In addition to all of this, I somehow managed to direct a musical, and am now considering returning to the stage. Further, there's a project I've wanted to do for a long time and it's just been gnawing and gnawing at me. I think it's time to begin it. When can I?
There's just a lot going on.
I'm trying to keep everything in perspective.
Anyways, that's my little corner of the world,
b
Monday, May 24, 2010
Rolling Rolling Rolling
Well, I turned 29 this weekend and it was an absolute blast.
The date saved the day on a number of occasions and at the end of it all, I'm still standing.
Now I go into tech for a show I adore, and I pray that it all comes together well.
We have no time.
bw
The date saved the day on a number of occasions and at the end of it all, I'm still standing.
Now I go into tech for a show I adore, and I pray that it all comes together well.
We have no time.
bw
Saturday, May 15, 2010
there is so much going on
So many responsibilities. My planner is practically exploding. How do I keep it all straight? How do I keep it all together?
Prayer. Something, cause I somehow manage to get everything (or very possibly nearly everything) done.
bw
Prayer. Something, cause I somehow manage to get everything (or very possibly nearly everything) done.
bw
Thursday, April 08, 2010
This is nice
Things are clipping along at a nice pace. I got a ton done this morning, a brief workout, made and ate breakfast, made & packed lunch & two snacks, got gas and still made it in to work.
My friend is great. We have a ton in common, and everything he's said he would do, he has. There's no dreaming, there's just realistic possibilities and goals.
So far, I am maintaining my goal of not being someone's girlfriend. I don't feel like a girlfriend. That feels good as well.
Could this be a healthy relationship?
bw
My friend is great. We have a ton in common, and everything he's said he would do, he has. There's no dreaming, there's just realistic possibilities and goals.
So far, I am maintaining my goal of not being someone's girlfriend. I don't feel like a girlfriend. That feels good as well.
Could this be a healthy relationship?
bw
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
blindside
Well,
Didn't see that one coming. Happy though. Always wanted good things for him. Now, he's got good things for life. I hope it's for life.
b
Didn't see that one coming. Happy though. Always wanted good things for him. Now, he's got good things for life. I hope it's for life.
b
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
little tidbits
The Bear told me last night that he wanted to marry me, and could I hurry up and fulfill my dreams so that he could. He said he's been holding back all this time because he knew that I'd go into mom/wife mode, and give up my dreams to accomodate my new role in my new life.
He's right. I would have.
We are destined to never be together. That is our story, and that's what I told him. He and I will always be. And we will never be.
-/-
The Date (he needs a nickname, but this will do for now... Maybe the Nintendo) asked me today to vacation with him for a few weeks in another country.
I said yes.
Less than 24 hours, two very different people, two very different suggestions.
It's amazing what happens when you start living.
b
He's right. I would have.
We are destined to never be together. That is our story, and that's what I told him. He and I will always be. And we will never be.
-/-
The Date (he needs a nickname, but this will do for now... Maybe the Nintendo) asked me today to vacation with him for a few weeks in another country.
I said yes.
Less than 24 hours, two very different people, two very different suggestions.
It's amazing what happens when you start living.
b
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I'm over it
It's funny. I woke up, and I thought to my self,
"You knew he wasn't it for you. Why are you upset that you were right?"
I breathed, and then I felt 75% better.
I'm so much better now.
God created me "Noble," therefore Noble I shall be.
b
"You knew he wasn't it for you. Why are you upset that you were right?"
I breathed, and then I felt 75% better.
I'm so much better now.
God created me "Noble," therefore Noble I shall be.
b
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Of course he did
Of course he waits until the day after I say he's not coming back and muster all my courage to ATTEMPT to move on to contact me.
Of course he does.
Of course he has a completely civil conversation and tells me he's coming down with a cold.
Of course he does.
Of course he's coming to my job, on the weekend I have to work a show, which I purposefully did NOT work the first weekend for this very reason. Of course he's coming this weekend. The weekend I'm working. And bringing someone I used t ocare very much about until my ex told me the other side to the story and all my notions and love for this friend came crashing down in a few of the worst weeks of my life.
Of course he is.
Of course, now I have to see the both of them, together, and put on a smile which will guard and mask how I truly feel.
Of course I do.
Of course, I will be gorgeous, and hospitable and fabulous.
Of COURSE I WILL.
Of course he does.
Of course he has a completely civil conversation and tells me he's coming down with a cold.
Of course he does.
Of course he's coming to my job, on the weekend I have to work a show, which I purposefully did NOT work the first weekend for this very reason. Of course he's coming this weekend. The weekend I'm working. And bringing someone I used t ocare very much about until my ex told me the other side to the story and all my notions and love for this friend came crashing down in a few of the worst weeks of my life.
Of course he is.
Of course, now I have to see the both of them, together, and put on a smile which will guard and mask how I truly feel.
Of course I do.
Of course, I will be gorgeous, and hospitable and fabulous.
Of COURSE I WILL.
Monday, March 08, 2010
Shoot, now what do I do?
Everything I'd planned just goes straight out the window.
Regroup, collect, and move forward.
Holy shoot, life just got more exciting!
b
Regroup, collect, and move forward.
Holy shoot, life just got more exciting!
b
The weekend
The weekend was interesting. A lot happened, much was accomplished, and in the end, I'm not really in a different place now than I was on thursday or friday. It's okay, though.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I do know that the best thing for me right now is to just stand still. Don't rush into anything, don't jump into anything. Just take this time to work on myself. I hate being alone, but maybe that's the best thing for me.
Face your deamons, and all that.
This is hard. It's much harder than I ever thought it would be. It's ridiculously difficult, and that's okay. I have Faith that I am on *a* path. If it ends here, that's okay. If it doesn't, that's okay too. Just stay on it and see where it goes.
One day at a time, and each day is different. Some days, I wake up with all the determination in the world. Some days I wake up and daydream that he'll have worked out his situation and will come back, so we can be great again. Then I have to think about how I can't compete with the real love of his life, and then I remember why we're not together.
It's not enough to want me to be with you. You have to want to be with me as well.
There is a subtle yet distinct difference. It's there, and the less balanced the scale is between the two sentences, the more unhappy the two parties are.
The only consolation I have is that I tried. I gave it my every atom, and it wasn't enough to break the spell. I am not the one for him. That SUCKS to have to admit, especially because I wanted to be, and for a brief, shining moment, I felt like I was. Reality said otherwise, however.
It's not me. I have to learn that in my heart and get over him so I can move on. He's not coming back. So I have to stop looking back.
I have to start looking in.
b
I have no idea what I'm doing. I do know that the best thing for me right now is to just stand still. Don't rush into anything, don't jump into anything. Just take this time to work on myself. I hate being alone, but maybe that's the best thing for me.
Face your deamons, and all that.
This is hard. It's much harder than I ever thought it would be. It's ridiculously difficult, and that's okay. I have Faith that I am on *a* path. If it ends here, that's okay. If it doesn't, that's okay too. Just stay on it and see where it goes.
One day at a time, and each day is different. Some days, I wake up with all the determination in the world. Some days I wake up and daydream that he'll have worked out his situation and will come back, so we can be great again. Then I have to think about how I can't compete with the real love of his life, and then I remember why we're not together.
It's not enough to want me to be with you. You have to want to be with me as well.
There is a subtle yet distinct difference. It's there, and the less balanced the scale is between the two sentences, the more unhappy the two parties are.
The only consolation I have is that I tried. I gave it my every atom, and it wasn't enough to break the spell. I am not the one for him. That SUCKS to have to admit, especially because I wanted to be, and for a brief, shining moment, I felt like I was. Reality said otherwise, however.
It's not me. I have to learn that in my heart and get over him so I can move on. He's not coming back. So I have to stop looking back.
I have to start looking in.
b
Sunday, March 07, 2010
One of these statements is a lie.
You can't cheat when you're single.
I went on a date friday night. For about three hours before I left home, all I could do was feel like I was cheating on my ex. Or the memory of my ex, or something.
I have to let him go. He's not coming back. If he was, he'd have done it already. So, with that in mind, and without turning into the 30 year old depressed single gal, I went on a date.
It was very low-key, I had dinner with a group of people I didn't know, and the best part, it was great. I was completely out of my element, and it was great!
I vow to leave the house more, to meet new people, have new experiences and live more. There are loads of fun to be had outside of my office and house walls.
I will stop waiting for things that will never happen and I will have more fun.
I'm smiling through a broken heart, but I'm still smiling.
I went on a date friday night. For about three hours before I left home, all I could do was feel like I was cheating on my ex. Or the memory of my ex, or something.
I have to let him go. He's not coming back. If he was, he'd have done it already. So, with that in mind, and without turning into the 30 year old depressed single gal, I went on a date.
It was very low-key, I had dinner with a group of people I didn't know, and the best part, it was great. I was completely out of my element, and it was great!
I vow to leave the house more, to meet new people, have new experiences and live more. There are loads of fun to be had outside of my office and house walls.
I will stop waiting for things that will never happen and I will have more fun.
I'm smiling through a broken heart, but I'm still smiling.
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