The deepest sigh

How do you tell someone that they're beautiful?

I have a friend who has a self-fulfilling prophecy that she's worthless. I say I *have* a friend, because she thinks our friendship is over, and I refuse to believe that. My acceptance would make things easy, and I'm not about easy in these situations. It's self-fulfilling because instead of looking towards herself and working to believe that she's fabulous, she seems to truly believe deep down that she's worthless, and instead looked to myself & others to pull her out of it. Well, I failed her, and now she's gone back to believing her perspective, instead of accepting that she truly IS fabulous.

How do you convince someone that they deserve love when they don't believe you? When they don't want to believe you? When they choose not to believe you?

The story begins when she confided something in me that just simply shocked me. I had no idea that she could be so (for lack of a better word:) spiteful, and frankly, it scared me. There were several avenues she could have chosen, and the one she did just shocked me. I was really unprepared for that. So I, in shock, reacted poorly. Very poorly, in fact. In truth, I'm not proud of my behaviour at all. I distanced myself from her, when perhaps I should have been drawing her more tightly. Had I understood and recognized her behaviour as a lash out in the name of being wanted and desired, I would have approached it completely differently. I would have drawn her as tightly as I could in the cyber realm to myself, and would not have let go. I would have made her understand her choice.

You see, my friend doesn't believe she deserves anything. Not love, not friendship, not anything. She believes she's low. Which is ironic, in a way, because I believe that at the same time she has a negative emotional connection, she has a "positive" physical connection. I put the physical in quotes because it's not really positive. You see, something happened that involved a negative emotional response, and to counter it, she responded physically in a different arena.

Here's where I worry.

How do you tell someone that you don't understand why they choose to hurt themselves when they don't have to? So she's ended our friendship, which I don't accept, because I think it's easier to walk away from someone who loves you when you're hurt, than to face the music and battle it out. I'm also fighting for this because she's one of the true friends I had who called me on my fears even though the situation was a little bit different (my fears came before my current bf & I were together, hers seemed to stem after and during her relationship).

How do you tell someone who chooses to be alone that they don't have to be? I'm still here for her, I never stopped being there for her, even though she seems (attempting not to speak for her) to think it is I that ended the friendship. I didn't. I reacted poorly, and I've since apologized for it and asked forgiveness, but neither seem to come. My main mistake was projecting my relationship with my mother onto her at the very moment she told me her news. My mother and I have a rocky relationship when it comes to debates and argueing. They leave me in tears, my nerves are shot in the end and I can't function properly for a day or two. So I've learned to bite my tounge sometimes, to avoid the two-day recovery period altogether. My friend, however, is not my mother. My friend craved the brutal honesty. Had I not been in shock, I'd have been able to tell my friend bluntly, that it was her choice to act out. That my job is not to judge her, but to help her through her issues as best as I can. But this issue (at the time) seemed beyond my skills. She accused me of believing certain derogatory things about her which were and still are simply untrue. How could I tell her that these words were not coming from my conscious OR sub-conscious mind, but that if she felt their heat that perhaps she should listen to her own conscience? How does one realize that sometimes judgements aren't external, but internal, and if you perceive yourself a certain way, maybe you should step back to see where the self-perception stems from? What place in the arguement would she have heard the love in that statement?

Anyways, this projection of my mother led me to withhold my tongue for fear of an arguement which would result in the end of our friendship, which in fact, *backfired* miserably and led to the many tears and two-day nerve shutdown and apparent one-sided dissolving of our friendship anyway. Self fulfilling prophecy indeed.

In the end, the one judgement, I suppose, that I did make is that my friend victimizes herself. In many situations, it was justified, but as with my mother (who also does the same thing, and myself, who was learning to do it until I had someone snap me out of it) the habit had developed into a trait of sorts. There was a person who loved her, and when he made a mistake, the primary response was "how could he do this to me?" When he made a choice, the response was along the lines of, "how dare he reject me?" These primary choices to choose pain even came to me, "how could you think that about me?" When in fact, I hadn't thought anything one way or the other, I was merely shocked by the action itself, and hadn't had the time to fully digest it, or it's meaning. Like I already said, my reaction was poor and regrettable, but it was a choice nonetheless and I have to own it.

As far as choices go, "choice" itself is a strong word. When a person starts using it, he or she begins to take ownership of their actions. When a person takes ownership of their actions, they begin to sort out the behaviours they like and don't like, and can better change towards the person they may like to be. The things I type aren't just bs; I've had to do them myself. I had to go from "I don't deserve better" to "I dated down because I knew that the men would appreciate me, and I had a strong need to be loved- or what I thought was love." Since accepting the choices I've made in my life, much of the drama I used to swim in has been cut out, and I'm in a reasonably functional relationship which earned the label of "power couple." This label did not come without a fight, though. Both of us fought hard for this relationship; both with each other, and within our own selves. I've had to fight off my cut and run instincts, and he had to battle his own demons. Yet, we persevered, stronger for it. I wish my friend could experience this as well.

I'm just sad that an otherwise wonderful relationship dies because of this. She seems to think I think ill of her, but my attitude towards her hasn't changed at all.

How do you convince the person who is convinced you hate, despise, or are embarrassed of them that they're wrong and you don't at all?

I've been saying a healing prayer for her since the incident. I'm scared that she may choose to push myself and others away in order to give herself an excuse to lash out and place herself in more situations that allow her self prophecy to manifest itself and feed her cycle. I love her to death, and it freaks me out. But baby steps. Maybe I'm way off base about her. Maybe she's not going to self-destruct. Maybe she's going to find her inner Queen and accept nothing less than honor and decency. Maybe she's going to find a man who loves her, thinks the world of her, and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Maybe she'll be strong enough to face her demons and share them with him so that they can work on them together. Maybe they'll be the next power couple.

Here's to them.

When your successes are your failures, or, how I do not take my own advice.

I write this post because it needs to be written. It's most likely good advice... Maybe not even advice... but commentary with a spin... I don't precicely know which category it fits but the point is that I will not be following this advice.

When Your Successes Are Your Failures

I was at my cousin's graduation party this past Saturday, when one of the attendees looked at me with a gaze that mixed confusion and concern and commented, "[the cousin] is younger than [me] isn't she?"
I immediately saw through her belittling tactic and chose, actively chose, not to show this person that her words, though yet unspoken, had managed to touch a sensitive nerve within me.

"Yes, yes she is."

And yet, this obviously clear message was brushed aside in pursuit of her goal: to say the following sentence:

"But you haven't graduated yet, right?"

"That's right, I haven't."

And then, to really drive her bewildered point home, she trumped my response with the ever-clear, I-won't-say-what-I-want-to-so-I'll-sum-it-up-with-this-gem-as-I-shift-and-relax-back-into-my-chair-and-it-would-be-awesome-if-I-had-some-glasses-to-nibble-to-really-add-effect:

"Humph." That sly, under the breath "huh" that's not the least bit a question.

And I was fine until she mentioned the "huh." The "huh" that wasn't a "huh" at all but really a "and yet she's done and you're not. Fascinating. You know, I thought you'd be done long ago. What's taking you so long?"

And I stare her down and say, "she's went full time, I've been going part time."

And there it was. My moment of weakness. My moment where I cracked and brought up an excuse to cover the pain and make everything okay.

No. Everything was okay before she said that. Everything was okay when I've been working my ass off to support my family so that I don't exactly have the luxury to quit my job and go full time and pray someone hires me immediately upon graduation because the time I'd spend looking for a job would just be more time my family goes without food. All while putting MYSELF through school, *AND* managing to foster my theatrical career as the appointed Artistic Director of the InterFaith Conference of Metropolitain Washington's Children's Theatre.

What I wanted to say was "nope, actually I dropped out of college, and decided that it was a waste of my time since I was already making so much money without it."
To which, her jaw would drop, and she'd turn to my mother and say, "truly?"
and I'd say, "Not at all, but wouldn't it make you feel better if it was?"

And meanwhile, I see my mom, whose only goal in life is not to see me marry, but to see me graduate. She's shrinking in the corner of my eye, and no one else can see it, but I can. The slightest release in the shoulder, the merest clench of a temple, the fraction of the eye being lowered to the ground. She's embarrassed. For everyone. For herself, because this lasy clearly thinks her daughter is a loser. For me, for being one. For the lady, for having to go through the questions in the first place.

She changes the subject to help us all avoid the shameful white camel in the room. How I took her on a trip. Shock ensues. Yes, this pitiful creature who carries a white camel (bactrian, for those who were wondering... I like two humps and I cannot lie) managed to take her mom out.

Sigh. The worst part was when mom didn't even comment on her conversation on the way home.

Complete defeat. Her daughter is a loser. Plain and simple. She had to "save me" from conversation.

Even though I've been through and have accomplished alot, ALOT, mind you, because I'm still in the race for this papel which is the key to all the puertas in the world, all my accomplishments, All of them...

mean absolutely nothing.

sigh.

b

a lot has happened

my boyfriend was moving away, and i'd gotten prepared for that, then i realized that I didnt want to be in a long distance relationship, and now he's not going and i feel horrible.

someone said something once that is so true I have no idea how not to make it true... they said that i sabotage relationships.

and then I was talking to Ritah today and she said that I have to make sure that the fact that he stayed doesn't break us up, and she's right about that, cause he hasn't looked me in the eye and said this decision is what he wants, so I can't help thinking it's not really his decision... that he feels like "the people closest to me dont want me to go for whatever reason, and i dont feel like fighting them so whatever." I just feel so responsible. And my instinct is to push him away so that he'll have to go, but I have to fight that because the last thing I ever want to hear is "I did this for you."

Aurgh.

And THEN it turns out that Ritah's boyfriend, London, happens to BE in Australia at this very moment, and then I just feel super awful. I *know* that I need to trust *my* boyfriend, to tell me when something isn't okay... but... the fact is, I don't. I don't think he'd come to me with any issues because he might see me as the primary naysayer. I just feel horrible. And I can't shake it. I feel like the one thing he wanted to do was go to Australia. I mean, he can still go to Australia. There's nothing stopping him from that. But he wanted to go to Business school in Australia. I dunno. I just feel so responsible. Like... He and I talked about it... not really. He listened to what I said other people had to say about his going, then when I got home, I prayed about that and about some stuff at work, and then the next day, he said he wasn't going anymore. Which freaked me out even further because his mother's last words to me were "whatever God wills. it's in God's hands." Then I happen to pray about it that night, and then the next day he's not going. Mom says the prayer did it. Thanks for adding one more layer to why I feel responsible.

And then there's the question of freedom. Everyone needs freedom in a relationship. Do I give enough? Considering I hardly see him, I think so, but you never know one's perception.

I do know that I screw up relationships on purpose. I do know that for a while, I was letting him love me and now I think I've shut that off and I don't know why. I'm scared. I guess. I'm scared... scared he's going to look at me one day and say "this isn't what I want at all. Goodbye."

I guess that's part of life... because the men I love always end up leaving in some shape or form anyway. I dunno.

Maybe this is what it is to be depressed. I dont want to do anything or go anywhere, the very things that used to make me happy... like writing, feel like such a burden to me. Like everything just takes too much effort. There was a time when I felt atop of my game... I had my poetry site, people were writing, I was writing... I was getting stuff together for my theater, getting clips of ideas, buying stuff for sets... Now... It's been months since I've even looked at the site, days since I've thought of it, I feel like I'm in a rut.

Only thing is, odd thing is, it feels like it's part of my destiny or something. cause even though i didnt answer any of the questions that were put to me, they still emailed me like I've got the job.

Life takes initiative, but it's the initiative that scares me.

I need a push back to who I was, and I'm scared.

I think I dont deserve love. I've screwed up so many lives. What gives me the right to be happy? One day, he'll turn to me and say "you're not worth this much pain." and he'll go. I'm scared of holding on so tightly he'll suffocate and leave... I'm scared of giving so much freedom he'll either take advantage of it or think I don't care... I'm scared I don't know the balance yet, and I'll screw up either way.

I'm just scared and no one is telling me that everything is going to be okay.

Doesn't that mean that it's not?


yours truly,

Head Basketcase.
b

Dear Gerard Butler

Dear Gerard Butler,
I have always loved your work. And your eyes, and your accent. The stills from 300 have me enjoying your physique, although as I stated before I was a fan of your acting long before I'd ever seen you take a shirt off. Have your people find me. I live in Maryland.

Most sincerely, and with no lusty intentions whatsoever,

banafsheh.

ps. I actually truly just want to talk about acting over coffee. Well, I'm a tea drinker m'self, but you can have coffee if you want.

growing pains

Had a growing pain just a few minutes ago. Can't even call it an arguement cause we "argue" and "disagree" and "misunderstand" so civilly.

It's weird. I cann it a growing pain, because it's not an arguement. It's us, learning about each other, figuring out what things mean, learning a new way of talking, and growing.

Together.

Cheers to my man. The man who won't let me lose my cool. Who forces me to talk it out right there and then, to (ironically) communicate.

That's my man.

I love him.

b

maternal advice

my father gave me two points of advice once:
1. never root against your husband's team
and
2. lower your expectations or you'll end up old, bitter, and alone.

My mother, recently, added her bits.
"I hope you don't have any kids. This world is messed up enough, and the Wallace line needs to stop."

Well, so that basically reinforced the notion that I'll be alone. Maybe that's why I suck at relationships. Cause I'm destined to be alone.

Maybe I should just stick to the game plan B of graduating & travelling.
I dunno.
I feel like I very much want a reason to grow roots and stay.

I'm about to go to therapy, maybe to see just what I'm running from.
I've woken up every day this week with the resolve to call my insurance company & find out what I've got covered... and still haven't done it.

*sigh*

Maybe my answer is not to listen to the advice of divorcees.

b

reflections on a waistline

I've determined that the only time I lose weight is when I'm sick. While I've cracked many a joke regarding patenting my "flu diet," last night I realized just how true that "joke" is.

I've lost ten pounds.

Thing is, I'll gain it all right back, and then some...

But the realization that I'd lost so much made me reflect on my eating habits. I've had people note that I don't eat much, or that I don't eat at all, or that I forget to eat, etc. This, I contrast with I eat tons. I feel I'm always eating. So who is right? I can't judge myself, cause I could merely be in denial, but I don't think I'm as extreme as others would have me believe. So I've reconciled my mind with:

I don't eat often, but when I do, I eat alot.

This perhaps to keep me until the next time I might chance to eat something.

Who knows? I'm kinda scared that I've lost ten pounds, considering that the fast is only a few days away, since that's the time of year I usually reserve for weight loss. I don't really want to die... Besides, that's when I go from two meals a day to only one.

Maybe this is just "weaning." That's it. I'm weaning myself off of food.

Wasting away,
b

I will not be the girl

"I will not be the girl/who gets asked how it feels/to be trodding along/at the genius' heels.../I will not be the girl who requires a man to get by"
-The Last 5 Years

So I sit, at home, bloated. And all I want is for my man to sit and have sympathy bloat with me and tell me how pretty I am even though I have a stomach virus and how I'm the prettiest girl with a stomach virus there is.

But I can't have that. Well, I won't even argue the point of "did you ask? maybe you'd have had it if you asked." No. Tonight coincides with a to-do for another birthday, and he'd asked me three times to go with him to that, so I know it means alot to him... And I remember I'd hinted at doing something for him myself this weekend, in honor of his birthday last Thursday, and I think he was game for my plans, but this stupid stomach flu burst that (among many) bubble(s), and now he's going out. Which is fine, mind you. I just wish I was going too. Instead of being home, alone, with nothing and no one to take my mind off of my digestive tract issues.

He offered to stop by, though, and I declined... because I knew if I saw him I'd try to make him stay because I really want to be with him atm.

Then he asked me if there was anything I needed from him, and I held back, "YES YOU CAN COME HERE AND STAY WITH ME AND TELL ME THAT I'M THE BEST LOOKING GIRL WITH DIGESTIVE TRACT ISSUES IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND PASS ME KLEENEXES!"

I held back. He's in his prime, he should be out. I should be with him.

How depressing is that, though? Give up fun & stay with your bloated girl & make her feel better. I'm not that selfish.

I try not to be that selfish.

I think I'm that selfish.

But I wouldn't dare ask it in a million years. So I guess I'm not that selfish.

But then guests came in, and it was really sweet of them to come in & bring the fun to me since I couldnt go have fun with them.

b, off to find a good throne.

when anxieties attack

This sounds mean, but I'm used to being the good looking one in the relationship. Except for Brent, but he loved me so much for proving people wrong that he doesn't count.

Now I'm involved with a good looking man, and I dunno... I feel... is threatened the word?

Who knows. Maybe that's why I'm being so crazy. I don't want to lose the good thing I've got. There's a lot to be scared of, scared I'm gonna worry about fracking up so much that I actually will... scared of...

And I discussed this with a friend last night:

Scared of being happy. I managed my other relationships cause they didn't make me happy... it was my twisted penance for ruining the best man in my life up until then.

Now, I've got someone who is actually better suited for me. He isn't trying to rescue me; he's trying to support me. And that's something I've never ever had.

I don't know what to do with it, and some nights it tears me up inside. I feel like... I dunno... like all I have to do is let go, and take a risk, and let him in... and I just get stopped short.

I haven't let anyone in since... Since. And here's someone I could totally let go and let in, and I can't. I've been spending so much time living inside my fort that I forgot where the lever to let down the drawbridge is...

I dunno, I dunno, I dunno. I do know that I *have* to let it go. The reason why I'm hanging on to the memory I think (there's tons, so don't go "na-ah, you said the reason was X") I think is because marriage wasn't the answer. Marriage was the "solution" to the problem. We loved each other, and my life (family wise) was an absolute mess, so the way to fix it was to get hitched, move out, move in together, and start a new life.

Perfect.

But reality hit me before the dream died and maybe that's why I'm still holding on to that little hope of being rescued. But then there's the "what if" factor... What if he's out there waiting for me to make the first move?

Then I think, "Fuck that. YOU should make the first move. I've been making the first move for both of us for so freaking long. YOU man up."

Which returns me to the fact that we're NOT meant to be together after all, cause if you want something, you go get it, and you fight for it, and you make it work, and no one's fighting.

Except me.

For another man.

So that's when I realize that I'll be okay. My love isn't misplaced. It's just different. And that's okay. And I've got someone who wants to help me find the lever to my drawbridge, even if he's stuck on the outside.

And that's powerful. I've got someone who, despite me being confused because I don't have all the facts, still loves me. And I try very hard not to try his patience, but the fact remains that this is still new, and we're still growing, and most frusteratingly:

He's more popular than I am, and good looking, and amazing, and sweet and sincere and of course women are going to want to be around him, and I should let that go, and learn to deal with the fact that no one wants to be around a girl who's bloated, cabin fevered up to the hilt whose digestive system is more comparable to a goose than a Human being.

*sigh*

I'd be so lost without him, and THAT scares me more.

How did I ever become so dependent on someone? I gotta love me more.

b

slides go down

I think I'm slipping into depression.
Is it possible to think you are? I thought depressed people never actually believed they were depressed. I think... I think I am and that I have a long road ahead of me.


Something's wrong and I can't place it.

So it must be me, right?

b

catching up

I know I've been gone a while...
alot happened. One thing was a really scary experience and I still haven't felt it yet. I think I can't feel it until I feel like I'm in a safe place to break down. My mom was with me, and I have to be strong for her sake so much, because she's got this habit of freaking out in scary situations, and we were in one together, but i still haven't dealt with it.

prolly wont. i just want to.

i just prolly won't.

I'll just roll it into the list of all the other things I have to worry about LATER.

b

I refuse to compete

So the more I sit on this, the more it bothers me.

My bf calls me to tell me he's swinging by & picking up a birthday cake. That someone else baked him. I'm so fired up that you can't even see it... What's another woman doing working my job?

But I'm too ill to leave the house, and too ill to see him on his birthday, so the idea of the dinner I'd planned here since I'd been here all day with nothing else to do seemed out, plus when I spoke to him, he didn't make any mention of wanting to swing by & see me on his day (which didn't bother me in the least, ironically... because of the whole "i'm sick" point).

But the more I sit on someone else making him cake, the angrier I get. So, I scrapped mine.

I refuse to act in competition for roles I should have by default.

Sorry, I just needed to let that out before it exploded and I didn't have anywhere else to go with it.

Just to clarify... This isn't jealousy, it's pain. Pain that he needs someone else to do my job. I don't get jealous, I get hurt.

b

okay I'm over it. I should be glad that he got a cake at all, right? Since he's always talking about how people always forget his birthday? I'm going to choose to be happy that someone was there to step in for him. And IGNORE that that person wasn't me.

Rocks Crumble

The shit part about being "the strong one" is that you're not necessarily strong because you actually are; you're strong because other people need you to be.

What happens when the rock that has been holding back the waves disappears?

The villagers have to fight the waves themselves.

Everyone wonders where the waves came from, some people remember the rock but

no one

asks how the rock feels, having been crashed against, worn down, and finally toppled.

But all that's left is rubble anyway. Not that you can see it; the sea claimed its property.

If one more person says "marriage"

Why is everyone in such a rush to get me out of the way?

1. I got proposed to today. It was beautiful, and there was this silence after, as he walked out, where I asked the other witnesses, "was that a proposal?" and everyone in the room said, "yes, I think it was..."

=)

2. On the same day, my boyfriend (I have to keep pointing it out, because I have to keep reminding myself I have one, odd as that sounds) came to work and brought me the most beautiful picture of us, standing in the foreground of a house neither of us can afford atm. We're on the right (when you're looking at it) and my cat and a bird are on the left.

It's beautiful.

I think he's staking out his "territory"... letting people not only know he's in my life, but also that he does, in fact, exist. Like it's a silent way of saying "this one's taken, boys."

Thing is, my coworker decides to blurt out, "just let me design your wedding." Now, you've seen him all of ten minutes, seen us together all of 5, and you wanna blurt that out? Can I go somewhere without hearing the M word, as it pertains directly to me? You have to get to know a person VERY well before you do that. You can't just jump into it; that's prolly why so many people try to jump out of it. Can you live with every nuance, every tick, every anything? For the rest of your life? Can you compromise? Can you compromise yourself, selflessly for the party you love? Do you have the ability to fall out of love, but be so committed to the other person as to stick it out because if you're just patient enough, you'll discover something new in all the 15 years you've been married that you might not have noticed before and fall in love all over again.

Can you do that? Can you want more for them than you want for yourself? Can you agree on how to raise your children? Are you complementary? Are you culturally, socially, and (if necessary) religiously harmonious? Because whatever you think is "fine, we'll work through it when we get there" is going to creep up on you, and it'll get bigger than you thought it would and you're going to get a divorce because he disciplines your children and you think "spare the rod." Now there are children involved and your lawyer (if you have one) is going to be all about making him look like he's an abusive parent and whatnot.

Divorce is not for me. Therefore, let me be sure with who I want to marry. Because I am not getting divorced. Besides, what makes you think I havent heard, "just let me design your wedding" 5 times already? Whoever and I will design our own wedding. We will have accents that are distinctly him, distinctly me, and disctinctly us. YOU will be lucky to have an invitation at all.

3. Thing is, after all this, we had the drawing for the Secret "pal," since in our overtly pc world, "secret santa" may offend. Guess who I got? You got it! The man who proposed earlier that morning! Aaah, life has such a way of sneaking up on me!

4. Later that evening, he came to see a performance and I introduced him as my friend, and not my boyfriend. I actually tried. I really did, but it just won't come out. I think to make my mouth happy, I should just not worry about it, and just say "we're together," if anyone asks. But it's surprisingly difficult to say those words, "I have a boyfriend," "he's my boyfriend," "I'm his girlfriend." It's like, cant we just know what we are? We're together. But afterwards, I realized that maybe he wanted me to introduce him as my bf. I hope he wasn't hurt that I didn't, but I think he understands. The same way that he doesn't need to introduce me as his gf to his friends. I think most of them know about us by now anyway.

Then, he did something beautiful. More on that later, maybe.

I'm definetly growing with him. I may not end up growing old with him, but for right now, for this moment, I'm growing.

And *that* is beautiful.

the certified sadistic Disney loving dominatrix is actually a romantic

Friend: you there?
me: yes
me: =)
me: sup?
Friend: this really cute girl came into staples
me: AWW!
me: good job!
Friend: and she was all talkative and upbeat
Friend: and I was.....pretty quiet.....
Friend: I kept thinking:
Friend: "man, if I had game, I could totally impress her"
me: ...
me: this is where i stay silent and let you continue, right?
Friend: /shrug
me: go on
Friend: I'm leaving the country soon so stuff like this takes a back seat
me: no
me: then you'll get there and be like
me: i'm such the man! they like me
me: oh they only like me cause i'm new
me: man they dont like me at all cause i'm american
me: your insecurities do not stay behind. you take all sorts of baggage with you
me: look
me: for the final time
me: it's not IF you had game
me: you HAVE GAME
me: EVERYONE HAS GAME
me: you just have to find a person who is playing the same game you are
Friend: k
Friend: something else,
Friend: were you online last night?
me: not for the whole night but for much of it
me: one solid chunk from 11-2
me: 11ish
me: 12-2
me: but i left my im up by accident
Friend: yesterday was the worst work day I've had in years
me: aww
me: how come
Friend: messed up a job
Friend: took 4 people the whole day to fix it
me: damn
Friend: manager had a fit
Friend: anyway
Friend: I was rip shit
Friend: all day
me: rip shit?
Friend: = annoyed
Friend: severely
me: awww
Friend: I came home
Friend: and
Friend: you were online (maybe)
Friend: and I looked at your name...
Friend: and just.....couldn't think of anything to say
Friend: so I didn't
me: awwwww
me: maybe it's cause i was in the middle of writing a term paper i haven't finished yet and wouldnt have been table to talk if you did
Friend: this is contradictory to my usual behavior
Friend: maybe
Friend: just wondering what it means
Friend: has my mind been altered
me: =)
me: maybe
me: so what stopped you?
me: tired of complaining to me?
Friend: um....
me: realizing your problems, while unique to you, may not be large to someone else?
Friend: maybe
me: that's growth
Friend: I was pretty sure there wasn't much you could do about them
Friend: I was pretty sure you're sick of hearing me bitch about stuff
Friend: but
Friend: often while all this is rather futile, friends like you have a way of easing them
Friend: if just emotionally
me: aww
me: even me? i thought i was mean
Friend: yes
Friend: you are
Friend: but you have your moments
me: even me?
me: damn
Friend: sometimes I think youre a certified sadistic dominatrix
Friend: others....not so much
Friend: you have a romantic streak
Friend: that you might be trying to suppress
Friend: but secretly, you miss it
Friend: you wish the world was more like Disney
Friend: mais, c'est la vie

upon further reflection

i also used to break up (or make the breakups start) right around the time that I started to fall for the person. I think that's attributed to the underlying guilt I still have from 5 years ago:

I can't move on & be happy until he's moved on & is happy.

Breaking the cycle is hard. I've found a guy, I am happy/could be happy with him, and yet... There's this age-old tug to cut & run... to stay friends because I might screw this up again...

I have to constantly check myself. Not constantly, but I'm recognizing that I have an issue and I'm checking it when it flais up, which is different than before. Before I used to give into it & get all hysterical.

Sometimes.

Now I'm like, look. This is a good thing. Go with it. He's never coming back, and you're wasting time waiting for him. Look at what's in front of you. Love and let yourself be loved. It might turn out even better than before.

Besides. it wasn't real before anyway.

But it was still the best time of my life.

b

Is pride a bitter pill to swallow?

So I did something today. I dont know if it'll make me proud later or not, or if it'll even pay off.
But i did it. I went to someone's myspace page in order to gain access and message someone who used to be a friend of mine to ask them something.

That's not the pride part. Well, it's a small percentage of the greater fraction of the pride part.

Whilst there, before I hit message, I noticed tha this person has one of my exes on their top friends. And an ex of an ex. And though I do admit that I'm egotistical and selfish enough to think that there's a group of people out there whose only common bond is that they think I ruined their life (which could be true for two of the three... the ex of the ex I had nothing to do with), I know that there's got to be something out there beyond and besides me. So I put that thought away and it's replaced with this sadness.

This sadness that I used to be good friends with those two, and for whatever reason I'm not now. One I know, it was my fault... I'm a great girlfriend, but I suck at breakups. My last bf, I was proud of myself, I broke up with him with dignity, "look, maybe we're just better friends, let's just go back to that before this gets bad" and then he convinced me i was wrong just to call me a stripper in public, not learn to apologize and then break up with me. So that one wasn't me. But I think he liked me but loved his best friend which I would have been cool with had he just confessed it. But whatever. Slight tangent in the greater point that I am a good girlfriend. I practically live for the other person, and I give so much of myself that it's almost like a crash & burn. When it burns, it gets ugly. Well, there's this one person on the top friends who is a really good guy. Decent, dry humor, sarcastic... My mom hated him cause she thought he was holier than thou, and in a way he was, but that's what made it so great. cause it cracked me up.

But he's a good guy, we just weren't good. It's weird. i'm at this place now where I dont really have anything bad to say about any of my exes except maybe that guy but it's not really his fault because we all got trapped in the situation... but what I'm saying is, either I wasn't ready for them, or they weren't ready for me. And anyone who dated me post 2001 I apologize to cause I was a mess about certain things that I didn't trust you enough with.

There's also this part of me that just wants my friendship back. Things were so great before the relationship. This makes me feel like I fall into patterns. So I reflect:

I'm scared of new people, and dont trust relationships with strangers so I usually hang out with people I know. Then it develops into something. Let's call that love for now. Then I freak out, or I want out, and I make a mess and make it so the person never wants to talk to me again.

I tried dating someone from scratch once, and it's not for me. Thank God the cast was there to save me from that. What bothers me isn't that we're not together. What bothers me is that if all my exes are people I knew and was good friends with at some point, and I don't talk to my exes, my friend circle just gets smaller and smaller.

Soon, I'll have no more friends because I'll have dated them all.

Then I went through a period of time where I refused to see anyone. This worked because I made good friends, and while one and I will always love each other, I think we've passed the statute of limitations on relationships and our chance expired. He calls it bad timing. I call it the [I just wrote a bunch here and now I've deleted it just in case he's reading this]. Then there's another one whom I consider bad timing, cause by the time one of us rolled around to realizing we loved the other, the other had moved on. And it didnt matter which of us. that got painful and then it was gone.

But now, here I am again. A friend, from HS, like at least 2 others before him and I have gotten close. Pattern. I've given a chunk of me, but have held much of me back. Break of Pattern. We're going out now. Pattern. I don't want to break up, but I can't help but to be reminded of the fact that I have no friends because I've dated & broken up with them all. And they all know each other, cause we all went to HS together. I'm sure there's been the comparison conversation at least once, and that's exactly what I *dont* want to happen.

Aurgh. I feel like such a loser. But the POINT is, I want my friendships back, but I can't have them because _I_ am horrible with breakups.

Maybe I'm just a negative person. Like maybe there's this thing, where if I live on just the surface, and never let anyone close to me, I can be that girl again, with the tons of guys who likes her who doesnt really like anyone back but just needs to have guys around.

But that's not me. I'm not that girl anymore. I just want one.
And it freaks me out.

I want too much. I want my old best friend to realize exactly what he did and apologize for being a total spineless dick. I want my ex boyfriends to go back to being my friend, because that's where we should have stayed in the first place. I want this scared feeling of "am I repeating my mistakes, is this one that should have stayed in the friendship" feeling to go away. It's like hunger... it just creeps up on you, and you can avoid it for a while, but then it growls louder if you dont give it something to silence it.

And then I'm wondering why I do the things I do. React the way I do. About the relationship I'm in, I've never been so silent with my feelings before. Before, I'd cry all over the place and be all "why dont you love me like i love you, damnit? you're supposed to be like this: ____" But that's not love. That's comparison, and -let's face it- "this:____" doesn't exist anymore. He's nostalgia in my head, he's not coming back, and even if he did, we wouldn't work now. You can't compare people, you can only appreciate what you've got and who's giving it to you for what they are at the time. BUT, if you need romance, and they're not romantic, no amout of forgiveness, hints or screams will make them that way. So let go & move on.

I dunno, I just miss my friends is all. Wondering what I've done wrong. Realizing it's "confusing the signals." You don't have to go out with every one you get along with. And if you do, there's got to be a better way of saying goodbye to the situation without having to say goodbye to the person.

But whatever. Life is so much larger than HS, right? Even though you never really leave the environment or the people... the cliques and the stereotypes still exist; they've just gained a few (50) lbs, found or lost hair, and get paid more an hour.

Oh well. Sometimes I can't shake it. The feeling.

Noel says i'm gorgeous and that I've got nothing to worry about. But "God don't like ugly." You could be average, but your attitude is what's gonna sway the judges to gorgeous or ugly.

I dunno. I feel weird. Maybe I'm just lonely. Damn, my dad was right.

b

records & spaces

okay at the new job, i've inherited a mess. have i mentioned that? if i'm repeating myself, i'll edit the post. but for now, i'll vent.

it's a mess.

BIG MESS.

so big i cant get into it all.

but the upside is:

I get my own parking space.

LOOKOUT!

b

I (was) a dancing machine

Whenever I see people dance, it makes me sad.
A wistful sad, like "that used to be/could be/should be me."

I thought about getting back into it.

Maybe next year.

Something's brewing with me. Dunno what it is yet, but it's big.

I'll let you know when I find out.

b

That actually felt good

Telling people what you think about them is great.
b