If one more person says "marriage"

Why is everyone in such a rush to get me out of the way?

1. I got proposed to today. It was beautiful, and there was this silence after, as he walked out, where I asked the other witnesses, "was that a proposal?" and everyone in the room said, "yes, I think it was..."

=)

2. On the same day, my boyfriend (I have to keep pointing it out, because I have to keep reminding myself I have one, odd as that sounds) came to work and brought me the most beautiful picture of us, standing in the foreground of a house neither of us can afford atm. We're on the right (when you're looking at it) and my cat and a bird are on the left.

It's beautiful.

I think he's staking out his "territory"... letting people not only know he's in my life, but also that he does, in fact, exist. Like it's a silent way of saying "this one's taken, boys."

Thing is, my coworker decides to blurt out, "just let me design your wedding." Now, you've seen him all of ten minutes, seen us together all of 5, and you wanna blurt that out? Can I go somewhere without hearing the M word, as it pertains directly to me? You have to get to know a person VERY well before you do that. You can't just jump into it; that's prolly why so many people try to jump out of it. Can you live with every nuance, every tick, every anything? For the rest of your life? Can you compromise? Can you compromise yourself, selflessly for the party you love? Do you have the ability to fall out of love, but be so committed to the other person as to stick it out because if you're just patient enough, you'll discover something new in all the 15 years you've been married that you might not have noticed before and fall in love all over again.

Can you do that? Can you want more for them than you want for yourself? Can you agree on how to raise your children? Are you complementary? Are you culturally, socially, and (if necessary) religiously harmonious? Because whatever you think is "fine, we'll work through it when we get there" is going to creep up on you, and it'll get bigger than you thought it would and you're going to get a divorce because he disciplines your children and you think "spare the rod." Now there are children involved and your lawyer (if you have one) is going to be all about making him look like he's an abusive parent and whatnot.

Divorce is not for me. Therefore, let me be sure with who I want to marry. Because I am not getting divorced. Besides, what makes you think I havent heard, "just let me design your wedding" 5 times already? Whoever and I will design our own wedding. We will have accents that are distinctly him, distinctly me, and disctinctly us. YOU will be lucky to have an invitation at all.

3. Thing is, after all this, we had the drawing for the Secret "pal," since in our overtly pc world, "secret santa" may offend. Guess who I got? You got it! The man who proposed earlier that morning! Aaah, life has such a way of sneaking up on me!

4. Later that evening, he came to see a performance and I introduced him as my friend, and not my boyfriend. I actually tried. I really did, but it just won't come out. I think to make my mouth happy, I should just not worry about it, and just say "we're together," if anyone asks. But it's surprisingly difficult to say those words, "I have a boyfriend," "he's my boyfriend," "I'm his girlfriend." It's like, cant we just know what we are? We're together. But afterwards, I realized that maybe he wanted me to introduce him as my bf. I hope he wasn't hurt that I didn't, but I think he understands. The same way that he doesn't need to introduce me as his gf to his friends. I think most of them know about us by now anyway.

Then, he did something beautiful. More on that later, maybe.

I'm definetly growing with him. I may not end up growing old with him, but for right now, for this moment, I'm growing.

And *that* is beautiful.

the certified sadistic Disney loving dominatrix is actually a romantic

Friend: you there?
me: yes
me: =)
me: sup?
Friend: this really cute girl came into staples
me: AWW!
me: good job!
Friend: and she was all talkative and upbeat
Friend: and I was.....pretty quiet.....
Friend: I kept thinking:
Friend: "man, if I had game, I could totally impress her"
me: ...
me: this is where i stay silent and let you continue, right?
Friend: /shrug
me: go on
Friend: I'm leaving the country soon so stuff like this takes a back seat
me: no
me: then you'll get there and be like
me: i'm such the man! they like me
me: oh they only like me cause i'm new
me: man they dont like me at all cause i'm american
me: your insecurities do not stay behind. you take all sorts of baggage with you
me: look
me: for the final time
me: it's not IF you had game
me: you HAVE GAME
me: EVERYONE HAS GAME
me: you just have to find a person who is playing the same game you are
Friend: k
Friend: something else,
Friend: were you online last night?
me: not for the whole night but for much of it
me: one solid chunk from 11-2
me: 11ish
me: 12-2
me: but i left my im up by accident
Friend: yesterday was the worst work day I've had in years
me: aww
me: how come
Friend: messed up a job
Friend: took 4 people the whole day to fix it
me: damn
Friend: manager had a fit
Friend: anyway
Friend: I was rip shit
Friend: all day
me: rip shit?
Friend: = annoyed
Friend: severely
me: awww
Friend: I came home
Friend: and
Friend: you were online (maybe)
Friend: and I looked at your name...
Friend: and just.....couldn't think of anything to say
Friend: so I didn't
me: awwwww
me: maybe it's cause i was in the middle of writing a term paper i haven't finished yet and wouldnt have been table to talk if you did
Friend: this is contradictory to my usual behavior
Friend: maybe
Friend: just wondering what it means
Friend: has my mind been altered
me: =)
me: maybe
me: so what stopped you?
me: tired of complaining to me?
Friend: um....
me: realizing your problems, while unique to you, may not be large to someone else?
Friend: maybe
me: that's growth
Friend: I was pretty sure there wasn't much you could do about them
Friend: I was pretty sure you're sick of hearing me bitch about stuff
Friend: but
Friend: often while all this is rather futile, friends like you have a way of easing them
Friend: if just emotionally
me: aww
me: even me? i thought i was mean
Friend: yes
Friend: you are
Friend: but you have your moments
me: even me?
me: damn
Friend: sometimes I think youre a certified sadistic dominatrix
Friend: others....not so much
Friend: you have a romantic streak
Friend: that you might be trying to suppress
Friend: but secretly, you miss it
Friend: you wish the world was more like Disney
Friend: mais, c'est la vie

upon further reflection

i also used to break up (or make the breakups start) right around the time that I started to fall for the person. I think that's attributed to the underlying guilt I still have from 5 years ago:

I can't move on & be happy until he's moved on & is happy.

Breaking the cycle is hard. I've found a guy, I am happy/could be happy with him, and yet... There's this age-old tug to cut & run... to stay friends because I might screw this up again...

I have to constantly check myself. Not constantly, but I'm recognizing that I have an issue and I'm checking it when it flais up, which is different than before. Before I used to give into it & get all hysterical.

Sometimes.

Now I'm like, look. This is a good thing. Go with it. He's never coming back, and you're wasting time waiting for him. Look at what's in front of you. Love and let yourself be loved. It might turn out even better than before.

Besides. it wasn't real before anyway.

But it was still the best time of my life.

b

Is pride a bitter pill to swallow?

So I did something today. I dont know if it'll make me proud later or not, or if it'll even pay off.
But i did it. I went to someone's myspace page in order to gain access and message someone who used to be a friend of mine to ask them something.

That's not the pride part. Well, it's a small percentage of the greater fraction of the pride part.

Whilst there, before I hit message, I noticed tha this person has one of my exes on their top friends. And an ex of an ex. And though I do admit that I'm egotistical and selfish enough to think that there's a group of people out there whose only common bond is that they think I ruined their life (which could be true for two of the three... the ex of the ex I had nothing to do with), I know that there's got to be something out there beyond and besides me. So I put that thought away and it's replaced with this sadness.

This sadness that I used to be good friends with those two, and for whatever reason I'm not now. One I know, it was my fault... I'm a great girlfriend, but I suck at breakups. My last bf, I was proud of myself, I broke up with him with dignity, "look, maybe we're just better friends, let's just go back to that before this gets bad" and then he convinced me i was wrong just to call me a stripper in public, not learn to apologize and then break up with me. So that one wasn't me. But I think he liked me but loved his best friend which I would have been cool with had he just confessed it. But whatever. Slight tangent in the greater point that I am a good girlfriend. I practically live for the other person, and I give so much of myself that it's almost like a crash & burn. When it burns, it gets ugly. Well, there's this one person on the top friends who is a really good guy. Decent, dry humor, sarcastic... My mom hated him cause she thought he was holier than thou, and in a way he was, but that's what made it so great. cause it cracked me up.

But he's a good guy, we just weren't good. It's weird. i'm at this place now where I dont really have anything bad to say about any of my exes except maybe that guy but it's not really his fault because we all got trapped in the situation... but what I'm saying is, either I wasn't ready for them, or they weren't ready for me. And anyone who dated me post 2001 I apologize to cause I was a mess about certain things that I didn't trust you enough with.

There's also this part of me that just wants my friendship back. Things were so great before the relationship. This makes me feel like I fall into patterns. So I reflect:

I'm scared of new people, and dont trust relationships with strangers so I usually hang out with people I know. Then it develops into something. Let's call that love for now. Then I freak out, or I want out, and I make a mess and make it so the person never wants to talk to me again.

I tried dating someone from scratch once, and it's not for me. Thank God the cast was there to save me from that. What bothers me isn't that we're not together. What bothers me is that if all my exes are people I knew and was good friends with at some point, and I don't talk to my exes, my friend circle just gets smaller and smaller.

Soon, I'll have no more friends because I'll have dated them all.

Then I went through a period of time where I refused to see anyone. This worked because I made good friends, and while one and I will always love each other, I think we've passed the statute of limitations on relationships and our chance expired. He calls it bad timing. I call it the [I just wrote a bunch here and now I've deleted it just in case he's reading this]. Then there's another one whom I consider bad timing, cause by the time one of us rolled around to realizing we loved the other, the other had moved on. And it didnt matter which of us. that got painful and then it was gone.

But now, here I am again. A friend, from HS, like at least 2 others before him and I have gotten close. Pattern. I've given a chunk of me, but have held much of me back. Break of Pattern. We're going out now. Pattern. I don't want to break up, but I can't help but to be reminded of the fact that I have no friends because I've dated & broken up with them all. And they all know each other, cause we all went to HS together. I'm sure there's been the comparison conversation at least once, and that's exactly what I *dont* want to happen.

Aurgh. I feel like such a loser. But the POINT is, I want my friendships back, but I can't have them because _I_ am horrible with breakups.

Maybe I'm just a negative person. Like maybe there's this thing, where if I live on just the surface, and never let anyone close to me, I can be that girl again, with the tons of guys who likes her who doesnt really like anyone back but just needs to have guys around.

But that's not me. I'm not that girl anymore. I just want one.
And it freaks me out.

I want too much. I want my old best friend to realize exactly what he did and apologize for being a total spineless dick. I want my ex boyfriends to go back to being my friend, because that's where we should have stayed in the first place. I want this scared feeling of "am I repeating my mistakes, is this one that should have stayed in the friendship" feeling to go away. It's like hunger... it just creeps up on you, and you can avoid it for a while, but then it growls louder if you dont give it something to silence it.

And then I'm wondering why I do the things I do. React the way I do. About the relationship I'm in, I've never been so silent with my feelings before. Before, I'd cry all over the place and be all "why dont you love me like i love you, damnit? you're supposed to be like this: ____" But that's not love. That's comparison, and -let's face it- "this:____" doesn't exist anymore. He's nostalgia in my head, he's not coming back, and even if he did, we wouldn't work now. You can't compare people, you can only appreciate what you've got and who's giving it to you for what they are at the time. BUT, if you need romance, and they're not romantic, no amout of forgiveness, hints or screams will make them that way. So let go & move on.

I dunno, I just miss my friends is all. Wondering what I've done wrong. Realizing it's "confusing the signals." You don't have to go out with every one you get along with. And if you do, there's got to be a better way of saying goodbye to the situation without having to say goodbye to the person.

But whatever. Life is so much larger than HS, right? Even though you never really leave the environment or the people... the cliques and the stereotypes still exist; they've just gained a few (50) lbs, found or lost hair, and get paid more an hour.

Oh well. Sometimes I can't shake it. The feeling.

Noel says i'm gorgeous and that I've got nothing to worry about. But "God don't like ugly." You could be average, but your attitude is what's gonna sway the judges to gorgeous or ugly.

I dunno. I feel weird. Maybe I'm just lonely. Damn, my dad was right.

b

records & spaces

okay at the new job, i've inherited a mess. have i mentioned that? if i'm repeating myself, i'll edit the post. but for now, i'll vent.

it's a mess.

BIG MESS.

so big i cant get into it all.

but the upside is:

I get my own parking space.

LOOKOUT!

b

I (was) a dancing machine

Whenever I see people dance, it makes me sad.
A wistful sad, like "that used to be/could be/should be me."

I thought about getting back into it.

Maybe next year.

Something's brewing with me. Dunno what it is yet, but it's big.

I'll let you know when I find out.

b

That actually felt good

Telling people what you think about them is great.
b

the devil

credit cards are the devil.
I've had one, then (because I wasn't raised understanding money, the value of it, and wtf credit means) I ended up with debt. Not too much, considering what real people go through, but 200$ was a lot back then when I had a card I'd used twice, forgotten about cause I'd only used it twice & moved & didn't get the statements. 150$ of that was interest. At the time, I made less than 8$/hr & only got it b/c my dad suggested I make small purchases & pay them off rapidly to establish a line of credit. Decent suggestion, but I sucked at it.

Lesson learned. I vowed never to have a credit card again. If I can't afford it, I can't afford it. Plain & simple. MY finances are straight. My family's aren't.

And my family's are my responsibility.

So here we go again.

b

when it's not your fault, it's your responsibility

I'm pretty sure we're all clear on how I moonlight as a workaholic, holding several jobs down to support my family, blah blah blah.

It's not the work that bothers me. It's the "supporting my family" that does. I get how men of old must've felt; busting their asses & getting shit when they got home. Sure, they don't know all that'd gone on in their absence, but neither party sees it that way.

I did something... I had authorization to do it, but apparently the person who gave me the authorization feels she wouldnt have done it had she known a particular part. Well, that part didnt come up in the consultation about wether or not I should do this thing, and she never asked, so I didn't think to bring it up. So we agree for me to go ahead, and I went ahead.

This past saturday, what was left hit the fan. Now I said I'd try to take care of it today, and I rushed & made a 50 min commute in 20 (during rush hour no less) to make sure I got there with time to spare to sort it all out. It didn't get sorted out. It might tomorrow, but here, "tomorrow" is a taboo word that is likely to put you out on the street. And then where were you when I called you 17 times? Whatever executive decision I made, bite me. You weren't there, and when I called you for input, you still weren't there. You're never there.

Thing that I dont get is, you said I could, so I did. So why is this all my fault? Why am I the bad one? Why do you think I deliberately made a move when I refuse to do that very thing without your expressed permission, and without deliberation as to the consequences? We deliberated the consequences, is it my fault you didn't ask? I didn't think to bring it up, else I would have.

Oh, but you see that as deliberate, too.

Why is everything so Goddamn serious?

What happened to laughter and light?

Why are you always the victim?

Sure, this particular situation isn't funny, but when's the last time you laughed? Hell, when's the last time I laughed?

I'm sorry you think I'm ruining your life, or my life, or our life.

Oh well.

I'd move out, but 1. I dont think I could afford it, and 2. Even if I could afford it, I'd still feel obligated to share my money with you and then #1 again.

It's either me or you. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm close.

Very close.

b

completely forgot!

monday, day one: not much to mention, no kids present
tuesday, holiday: holiday, therefore nothing to mention
wednesday, personal day: personal day therefore nothing to mention
thursday, technical day two: two bloody noses, a pencil through a hand and a bumped head
friday, technical day three: one sprained ankle, disintegrated glasses and irate parents.

This wednesday: tater tots
This friday: rib sandwich.

Can't wait.

In other news, it's really cute to see grown men blush when they speak to you. It was really touching. I tried not to go for pity, but whatever. Really pulled at my heartstrings, in a milo & otis kind of way. Awwww.

b

Do not read this entry because I guarantee you will not understand it.

edited to add disclaimer: If you read this, please don't respond to it. There is no place else for me to put this, so I wrote it here. Like the title says, you will not understand it. This is not written for you. This is written for me.

I don't know how to love you anymore.
All I've wanted was for you to love me
and I realize now, that that day will never come.
you will never look at me and say you're proud of me
or that you love me
because you are not capable of saying those words.

Whatever it is you think I'm going through,
I'm going through way more than what I let on.
And I let on alot.
I let on alot because those are the things I *can* talk about.
They're not important. I know that they're not important,
but those are the elements I can control, that I can think about, and hash out out loud until I find a way to bend myself around & make it work.
for once, in my life,
I would like for someone to stop telling me to man up
& that I'm overreacting because everything is going to be okay.
I, for once, would like to stop being patronized for going crazy over
"the little stuff"
I KNOW that there are people in MUCH worse situations than I am.
I pray that those people have a better support system than I found in you.
For ONCE, stop acting like I'm petty and just acknowledge that I'm going through something. I am not other people. Don't judge me that way.

That is all I want. I KNOW that I'll adapt to whatever life throws at me. I've been fucking adapting since I was born, and I'M FUCKING TIRED OF IT.

All I want is for someone to look at me and NOT tell me I'm strong and I'll get through it. To NOT see a pity case. To NOT see a looney girl who doesn't know a good thing or can't appreciate one.

You don't have to save me. Not that you tried. I just need an ear to talk out loud to, to try to focus on one aspect of life and work it out. Your version of a pep talk sucks. Do you read me? I AM TIRED OF BEING THE STRONG ONE.

I just want someone to be able to acknowledge whatever it is I say I'm going through. Because no one yet has noticed that the bullshit I give on the surface has nothing to do with what I'm really scared of. I ramble because I can't put into words the things that actually bother me. I haven't studied the language yet that conjugates the images that my mind races through. I'm trapped in my throbbing head with headaches that don't go away and face people that don't get that I'm in pain, or that I haven't felt my arm in two weeks, and that I'm scared to death, and that I have no idea what is going to happen to me and I'm in a situation I have no control over and I'm terrified that everything is going wrong, and that at the end of every day, I wonder if I've just made the biggest mistake of my life. It's everything and nothing all at once; it's everyone and no one. Only one other time in my LIFE have I felt so helpless. I went through that time alone, and it looks like I've got to go through this alone as well.

But you don't care. So long as I sit there and do what you feel I'm supposed to, and not get on your nerves, or interfere, you're happy. That's not love. Yet you don't share with me what you feel I ought to know, and then we do our dance again, with me tripping up mines I didn't know existed, spending energy figuring out ways to make it up to you and get you to love me again.

I loved you the best I could. I tried, and today you made it clear that I will never and can never make you happy. So, I'll make it easy for you. I will never again mention anything that bothers me, because I'm just going to "be strong" and get over it anyway. No point mentioning it to anyone. I cannot love you anymore, because there isn't room. You hurt me just by looking at me. I was better when I walled myself up. But I made the mistake of opening up to you. Don't worry, my mistake. it won't happen again.

I don't love you anymore. I feel nothing now. It's a dull pain, like the one in my head. Don't worry, I'll still do my duty towards you, whatever that may be. I'll make sure you're okay, thought of, looked after, fed. But there's no love in it.

My love died. The tears that I'm shedding now are the last you'll never see.
I tried to make you happy.
I failed.
But you already predicted that, didn't you.

I'd say it hurts to say goodbye to you, but you can't feel pain when you're dead inside.

I loved you. I really did. But I give up. And in the end, it feels like I'm more like you than I want to admit. And that scares me more. Not that I'll ever tell you about it.

Goodbye.

b

You've been Slammed

When I think of "Slam Poetry," I think of emcees battling, rhythms and rhymes spat out with precision; Meters and metaphors capturing my attention, transporting me to a world or idea or perspective heretofore unrealized.

That said, what was that?

When I'm around good poetry, it inspires me. I wasn't really inspired, except by two people. Which I guess is good, but I mean... I dunno, maybe it was me. the slams I've heard are by these phenomenal folks who twist words and meter in ways I didn't even know you could. They leave me thinking, "there's no way I'll ever do that" and then run home to try before the spirit leaves me.

Or maybe my emotional well is dry. Maybe the part of my soul I'm supposed to tap into to get the words is so parched that my pen writes in the sand of my emotions and my tears wash the thoughts away.

Maybe one day they'll make a drug that allows me to sift my thoughts and focus on one clear thought until it's down and out.

Maybe I'll go back and be blown away.

Maybe.

b

spoken like a true government employee

The following is a snippet of a conversation I had with a friend during business hours several weeks ago:

me: Well, I'll let you go & get back to work.

friend: I'm playing a game on the computer right now.

*Sigh*

Spoken like a true Government Employee.

come back

Tonight was opening night for TCP's The Last Five Years. I won't review the show, because I'm nice. I *will* say that the two look very nice together. The "casting" was... what it was. I will also say that Eva is the ideal musical theater girl. She's tall, she's curvy and she's got good looks and a voice to carry. I'd say she's a director's dream, but this show didn't have a director and that would get in to all the stuff I said I wouldn't talk about, so let's move on to other theatrical stuff...

Everyone who knows me & saw me (as an audience member) rallied to get mne back on the stage. One such person felt it her life's mission to convince me to return. Her only foible was this gem:

"You should do a show with TCP! [person's name] was telling us about how she needs people..."

Oh, really. Maybe she should have thought of that before she < edited >.

Anyways, I'm too bitter to come back. If and when I do return, I'm not coming here. At least, not to perform. I'll direct plays here, but I won't perform, and if I do somehow perform, SHE will NOT be the DIRECTOR. Actually, either way you look at it, she won't be the director, so the statement stands.

I was talking to an old theater friend (who produced this show) and I confessed that I think I'm not a nice person. Somewhere, I lost "nice." How, I'm a washed up, bitter old hag who can't even fake a "good show!" when what I really want to say is "what the fuck was that train wreck?" She shares my sentiments and we've both decided that we're going to Hell. I told her we'd be roomies and I'd keep her place warm for her. Get it? I crack me up. There's this thing that the female character does that REALLY REALLY REALLY annoys me to no end, and I shared it with Producer last Tuesday, and tonight when I saw her, I asked if anyone told her and she said "nope" (which is weird, why would you want that onstage? but if she's not telling... and I'm waaay past trying to help fix a show. Part of me is like "but it's a really simple thing to do that would make the show SO much better!" and the other part is like "leave it alone. it's her show, let her go down with it. that's how she wants it, let it be.") and after the show, Producer took a tray & started calling my name, making the movement. Now to anyone else, it would look like she was just being coy, but I knew better.

I love that woman.

My dad was right. I'm going to end up old, bitter and alone, having alienated everyone I love. Only thing is about alienation, I can't be friends with people these days, cause once they try something more, and you're not with it, then they stop talking to you. It's almost as if (she to) [<- sorry, me-zine reference].

Start over.

It's almost as if I'm destined to be alone. People keep leaving me to myself, most likely because they think I'm too busy & don't want to bother me. I'll say what I said back in HS: Let me make that decision. Let me be the one to say "no thanks, I'm busy, but thanks for letting me know you were thinking of me." DO NOT make that decision for me.

Others leave me alone 'cause they think I'm a bitch. In that case, I am, stay away.

I used to be happy. I used to be ridiculously happy. I used to wake up happy, and look at the clouds and see my future. I used to hug strangers and love the world.

Then life happened.

As far as always being alone, I get that it's a two way street. When you don't call, they stop calling. And I don't want to be a "whatever happened to..." I'm a "so I was out with banafsheh and OMG that girl is crazy. It took us three hours to get her down from the dance cage."

In that vein, I've started calling my friends.

I call this, "maintenance."

So at least two and I have reconnected, the third I have the intention of calling, but haven't yet. Dunno why. Prolly cause he's not single and I dont want to give her the impression I'm moving in on her man. Maybe I'll call him tomorrow and invite him to the dc slam event if they're available. That way she can come & then I'm not a threat. I hope a group comes, it would suck if it were just me and Kenny... we can have fun, but it stalls out without having something else there to perk it up.

So, back to reconnecting, it's crazy. It's crazy what happens when a person moves away. I had this great cleansing conversation that could have broken my heart a teeny bit, when my friend confessed that he had to leave for us to become better friends. it was funny at one point, when he said "it was like I was saying 'Hello! I'm right here! Hello!' and you were like 'That's nice, but anyway.'" But the time wasn't right and I don't think it will ever be. I think he wanted me to admit something that wasn't true, but we cleared that up, and basically left the conversation with the knowledge that we will always be there for each other, as friends. I will always love him as a friend, and I think he gets that. It was such a GOOD conversation, and I havent had one of those in a long time. We talked about THEATER. He picked my brain, vented about his day, told me about his work, and God, for a minute I felt alive again. I felt like I was there, in group classes, like I was in rehearsal, like I was with him in the room as the instructor's reaming one of the classmates. Like I had done the research for the scene, read the play and ripped it apart into beats and motivations with action verbs that carry me through to the next beat. Like I was diving within myself, looking under the rocks my emotions had becme to see what things were festering in the dark I had provided them with, bringing them up and saying "This Is Me."

God, it felt very good.

I almost miss it.

So we promised we're going to make an effort to talk every day. I don't even talk to my mom every day, so we'll see how long that lasts, and I amended it right after we said it, but still. I'm going to try. He's the only person who understands how my brain works. Wow... did I write that? I'm not sure how true that is, but I definetly know I'm living vicariously through him at the moment. I know that last night was the most fun I'd had in a long time. Theatrically, yeah, I guess... he's the only person I can talk to on an actor level who is going to challenge me. Kenny's a tech. Jevan's a tech. Jasmine's a tech/actor, and it's still not the same. He and I speak the same language. I think my excitement is just really nostalgic; it's been years since I've spoken to anyone in the business about the business, about the process of the business. I felt like when I return to the stage, that I'll be one of those people who theater will have passed by, and talking to him, I know I've still got it.

I think I'm ready. Not ready to stand on stage, but ready to watch some shows again. Current theatrical goal: to see The Lion King, Wicked and Avenue Q. The other shows can wait. I can't anymore.

b

my sister, the meter maid

Even though she says stuff that hurts or annoys me, she's still my sister.
Plus, I realized that we're kind of on this funky see-saw, when one of us is low, the other is high. We're constantly pulling each other out of a funk & reminding each other how beautiful we are. Even if she is a little harsher than I:

"You must not know about me. I can have another you by tomorrow."

Damn.
But so true. We're so strong, and so... Gosh darn wonderful!

b

The best thing ever

Thanks to everyone who wished me well today. I passed the test.
Special kudos and points to Kenny for buying me a celebratory dinner, and then for saying it wasn't a celebratory dinner. That was definetly cool.

Otherwise, thanks everyone! Thanks to everyone who wasn't even scared and got pissed at me for being scared. I appreciate the faith you all have in me.

And when that faith manifests itself in meals, well, that's good, too.

b

I keep saying I'm over it but I'm not

I keep saying I'm over it, but I'm not.
I'm over it in the "it doesn't make me angry anymore" way but not in the "I'm so over it doesn't even cross my mind" way.

Why can we not be friends again? It just sucks that I lost a friend over bullshit, because he chose to interpret things personally when he had no business doing that (since the stuff he was interpreting wasn't even ABOUT him), then he made decisions based on the stuff that he fabricated and then got emotional over stuff that had no foundation.

It bothers me that I want to reach out & get my friend back, but I can't for fear of 6 months worth of rage and/or bitterness coming back. Not really fear, I'm not scared of it, I just don't want to deal with the bull aspect of it.

Why did I pick him over you? Because I saw him that way and didn't see you that way.
Why that became an intense emotional battle for months I will never know. Everyone told me to remove the source of the frustration and I didn't follow their advice for two reasons:
1. The situation was sticky enough without me making it worse by saying "oh yeah? well I don't need you as much as you thought I did!" MAYBE it would have taken a bit of the wind out of his sails, but for some reason I can't see it doing any long term good.
2. I (stupidly) believed that it would clear up. Blow over. I kept hoping it was a phase and that ultimately he'd regain his senses. But it just got worse and worse and more and more crippling.

Now, we don't talk at all. Funny thing is, he spent all this energy and then said "well, it's your turn" in a "i've tried very hard to keep this friendship afloat. it's your responsibility to come to me now." That would be fine, if it was true, when I'd spent all the same months asking "why can't we go back to being friends?"

So now, I have no idea where things stand. And that really really saddens me because he was a really good friend up until things got creepy. In fact, he was the one friend I could count on to support me no matter what, who I supported back no matter what.

Why do friendships have to die when love/amor/feelings/romantic intention isn't reciprocated? Why can't I just have my friend back?

Oh, by the way, this one is the FIRST one that actually IS about you.

b

Listen up suckas...

Yeah!
What he said!
That goes for me, too!

b

Scary

Ever have someone like you... where they pop up randomly & have a one sided convo with you and then say dumb stuff like "have a good weekend; don't do anything I would do," which wouldn't be so dumb if it wasn't followed with ten variations of the theme? Or just happen to find them after work in a secluded area, with no one else around, and they've changed clothes and now are in a car and can overtake you very quickly?

Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I'm sure that's it, but... I can't shake this feeling.

Ever have that?

b

The Return of PPM

Wow.
I was at PetSmart today, minding my business, and my cell rang. PPM, who I haven't spoken to in months, decided to call. He must have broken it off with whoever he was seeing. You know? Maybe that's mean of me to write, but I feel like when he's got a dry spell, he messes with me for laughs. Then he had the nerve to say, "why are you acting like you're surprised to hear from me." Maybe because I am. "Why are you acting like I only call when I want something?" Maybe because you do.

I'm tired. Tired of dancing your dance. You had your chance. You blew it. You don't get another one. Happy for you, though. Happy that you bought your house, happy we got caught up, happy I had a small hand in getting you what you wanted at the office. But if you're calling me to see if anything has changed on my end, no. It hasn't. That's why although I thought of you when I drove past your house, I didn't call. That's why you don't come to mind that often, and why people at work have stopped giving me hell about you.

Or was that because you'd found someone else? Now that didn't work and you remember me?

Funny thing about that... I'm not free anymore. I'm through being the backup. Being your headcase to toy with wasn't as much fun as you may think.

I'm much stronger now. If I don't dress up every day, or press my hair, or make sure everything is in it's proper place, it's because the *outside* is not important to me. I'm too busy with other stuff to worry about hemlines and fabrics and this season's fashions. Yes, I pull my hair back, into the same uptight librarian bun as always. It's simple. It's practical, it doesnt get in the way, and it doesn't need styling, which affords me the time for other endeavors.

Sorry if that means to you that I'm not taking the time out to take care of myself. I'm too busy taking care of my future.

And I have come a long way, from what I was before, how I used to be with my looks, Thinking I was ugly and hiding alot from the world. Thing is, I'm hot. I'm so hot, I rock the hell out of the librarian bun. In fact, I'm bringing buns back.

And if you don't get that, then you don't really have a place in my life, do you?

Thanks for taking the time out, friend, to check up on lil ole me.

I'll be just fine. Scratch that. I AM fine, I'll *be* okay.

And if you wanted me, you're going to have to work a hell of alot harder than that to get me. So don't feel like you're doing me any favors by calling me.

This probably comes across a lot meaner than I intended, but I'm not changing any of it. It is what it is. I'm just tired. I don't get people who want to be friends with the intention of banging you. Just be friends. Go out. But we were never friends, were we? We were just two insanely attractive people who couldn't sort out the tension.

Isn't it a relief to know that it's all been sorted out? By hereby removing myself from the equation, we should never need to speak tensely again.

Love,

me