Ritah: "fear is a friend who's misunderstood"
its good to be scared, and careful,
but dont let it make you run away
Monday, January 21, 2008
the zine is back
up and running. sorry to all who were mad. i didnt realise that i even effected anyone. in some small way, i'm glad it got the reaction it got when it was down because it means that it means something to someone out there, and that they use it.
b
b
like, liberty and the pursuit of happiness
like:
like is good. like is healthy. like can be fun.
liberty:
I am not going from one person to another. I can't. By that, I don't mean bouncing about the dating scene. I mean I am not leaving one long-term relationship merely to wake up in another. I need the space to see what's out there. I think dinner is harmless. I think going out is harmless. I think it's obvious who has my heart. But I still need to hang out with other people. Must... remind... self... to... not... stick... to... one... person!
the pursuit of happiness:
can't I just do what I want to anyway?
like is good. like is healthy. like can be fun.
liberty:
I am not going from one person to another. I can't. By that, I don't mean bouncing about the dating scene. I mean I am not leaving one long-term relationship merely to wake up in another. I need the space to see what's out there. I think dinner is harmless. I think going out is harmless. I think it's obvious who has my heart. But I still need to hang out with other people. Must... remind... self... to... not... stick... to... one... person!
the pursuit of happiness:
can't I just do what I want to anyway?
shadmehr pt III
You know, you're just embarassing yourself by calling me all the time asking me to come back. Seriously, joonam, let me go.
I'll still like your music.
I promise. But can you stop blowing up my minutes??
You're interrupting meals with Mansour.
I think it's time to let me go.
b
I'll still like your music.
I promise. But can you stop blowing up my minutes??
You're interrupting meals with Mansour.
I think it's time to let me go.
b
shadmehr, pt II
seriously, i've replaced you.
don't call me, I'll call you.
I'm about mansour now. He and I are doing fine.
b
don't call me, I'll call you.
I'm about mansour now. He and I are doing fine.
b
goodbye, shadmehr
I have found mansour now. he's scruffy, but at least he looks huggable in all of his videos.
you lost heart, shadmehr. you lost heart.
b
you lost heart, shadmehr. you lost heart.
b
Chi shod?!
Shadmehr! What happened to you? You used to be HOTTTTTTT!
Whatever you're doing, stop!
Fix your hair, you look Fobbish now. Go back to HOTTTTT!!
Please, please please please.
I can't show people your picture anymore to people... it's like the Juanes phase where he grew his hair out & that one point where it looked ratty in all the pictures and i'd be like Here's my fave latino singer... awww, maybe there's a better picture somewhere...
Shadmehr, toreh Khodah. Mooyatoh avaz kon. Lotfan.
I still loveyou though. Even if I don't have any of your cds. I'll get them.
fix your hair.
please.
b
Whatever you're doing, stop!
Fix your hair, you look Fobbish now. Go back to HOTTTTT!!
Please, please please please.
I can't show people your picture anymore to people... it's like the Juanes phase where he grew his hair out & that one point where it looked ratty in all the pictures and i'd be like Here's my fave latino singer... awww, maybe there's a better picture somewhere...
Shadmehr, toreh Khodah. Mooyatoh avaz kon. Lotfan.
I still loveyou though. Even if I don't have any of your cds. I'll get them.
fix your hair.
please.
b
Thursday, January 17, 2008
blessings
I'm blessed.
My parents are both alive. Blessing.
I have people in my life who love me. Blessing.
I have people in my life who care about me. Blessing.
I have friends. Blessing.
I have shoulders to cry on. Blessing.
I have a job. Blessing.
This job gives me the funds to support my family. Blessing.
I have my theatre company. Blessing.
I have the money to put myself through school. Blessing.
My car is paid off. BLESSING.
I am worthy of love. Blessing.
I am in a position to be able to love others. BLESSING.
God Loves Me Unconditionally, Every Day.
BLESSING.
My parents are both alive. Blessing.
I have people in my life who love me. Blessing.
I have people in my life who care about me. Blessing.
I have friends. Blessing.
I have shoulders to cry on. Blessing.
I have a job. Blessing.
This job gives me the funds to support my family. Blessing.
I have my theatre company. Blessing.
I have the money to put myself through school. Blessing.
My car is paid off. BLESSING.
I am worthy of love. Blessing.
I am in a position to be able to love others. BLESSING.
God Loves Me Unconditionally, Every Day.
BLESSING.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
here's the thing.
i like him. he likes me.
neither of us should be liking anyone.
my friends say go for it.
i have no clue what his friends say.
he says he wants to try, and doesn't want this to be a rebound.
I say that's what it would be no matter how you cut it.
My trusted psychic friend says he's telling the truth, though.
Sigh.
I know he cares. I know he does, I just feel like it's premature.
Like give it time. Will you still be flirting with me? Will you still be inviting me over? Will you still be saying the things you say?
I don't mind the flirting. It's healthy and it makes me feel beautiful and wanted. And it's all talk. It's a way to vent and get out frustration without harming yourself. Or the other person.
And then... I catch myself in the cynical femail critical eye way, and think, "you know, he's all talk. I haven't seen one email that's initiated from him, or one phone call, or one text."
Correction: There was a text.
But there's no action that backs up the verbal stuff. And I'm scared of what that action might entail, should it rear itself.
So, as it is now, I have an open invitation to his home.
He says he doesn't want this to be a rebound thing.
I think we need to nip it in the bud and not go any farther with anything than we already have. Right now, it's perfect. No one has done or said anything that they might regret. There are no strings. Just two people who enjoy each other's company holding conversation.
Two people who might get attached if they're not careful.
The fact is, neither of us are free of our pasts at the moment. I'm still not over my ex. I am, and I'm not. I'm over the fact that he's not coming back, and I'm not over the fact that he was such a big part of my life and who I was. So I feel like I have all of this love... like a big ball of love that I'm holding in my hands and it is heavy and I'm looking for a place to put it down.
That's dangerous. Because if I put it down on another person. Wrong person, right person, I'm not ready. I need me time.
He needs "he" time.
Then when that's all said and done, we can try "we" time.
Until then, it better stay all talk.
neither of us should be liking anyone.
my friends say go for it.
i have no clue what his friends say.
he says he wants to try, and doesn't want this to be a rebound.
I say that's what it would be no matter how you cut it.
My trusted psychic friend says he's telling the truth, though.
Sigh.
I know he cares. I know he does, I just feel like it's premature.
Like give it time. Will you still be flirting with me? Will you still be inviting me over? Will you still be saying the things you say?
I don't mind the flirting. It's healthy and it makes me feel beautiful and wanted. And it's all talk. It's a way to vent and get out frustration without harming yourself. Or the other person.
And then... I catch myself in the cynical femail critical eye way, and think, "you know, he's all talk. I haven't seen one email that's initiated from him, or one phone call, or one text."
Correction: There was a text.
But there's no action that backs up the verbal stuff. And I'm scared of what that action might entail, should it rear itself.
So, as it is now, I have an open invitation to his home.
He says he doesn't want this to be a rebound thing.
I think we need to nip it in the bud and not go any farther with anything than we already have. Right now, it's perfect. No one has done or said anything that they might regret. There are no strings. Just two people who enjoy each other's company holding conversation.
Two people who might get attached if they're not careful.
The fact is, neither of us are free of our pasts at the moment. I'm still not over my ex. I am, and I'm not. I'm over the fact that he's not coming back, and I'm not over the fact that he was such a big part of my life and who I was. So I feel like I have all of this love... like a big ball of love that I'm holding in my hands and it is heavy and I'm looking for a place to put it down.
That's dangerous. Because if I put it down on another person. Wrong person, right person, I'm not ready. I need me time.
He needs "he" time.
Then when that's all said and done, we can try "we" time.
Until then, it better stay all talk.
aurgh
People give me headaches.
Just tell me how to love you, you know? Because I do. Just because my way of showing it doesn't match with your way of receiving it doesn't mean I don't love you.
Because I do.
b
Just tell me how to love you, you know? Because I do. Just because my way of showing it doesn't match with your way of receiving it doesn't mean I don't love you.
Because I do.
b
Please Note
Recently, a person who used to be a good friend of mine engaged in a conversation online with me. I was responsive until he suggested something negative towards a mutual friend of ours as a joke, but it ended up killing the conversation. Then, a few minutes later, he opts to change the subject with this gem:
"please note, I'm trying really, really hard to be a good friend right now: How's life?"
I could not respond. I still haven't responded. Try to be a good friend? Trying really, really hard? Don't bother. If it's effort for you to befriend me and exert some small grace of concern for my well being, save it.
I don't need people who need to try to be a friend. I want people who ARE my friends.
b
"please note, I'm trying really, really hard to be a good friend right now: How's life?"
I could not respond. I still haven't responded. Try to be a good friend? Trying really, really hard? Don't bother. If it's effort for you to befriend me and exert some small grace of concern for my well being, save it.
I don't need people who need to try to be a friend. I want people who ARE my friends.
b
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
...
Okay. I think we all know that I'm born on the cusp of Taurus & Gemini. As such, when I read them, I always make it a point to read both, since the truth usually lies in some Venn-Diagram shape of the two. So, in light of all that's been going on, Ritah decided to remind me of the always-reliable, completely scientific Horoscope.
The following is brought to you by Yahoo Astrology:
Year 2008 RomanceProvided by Astrology.com Gemini You love being intimately connected with another and have no problem sending out those signals. Your passionate, sensual and patient energy is given to others freely and people appreciate receiving your soothing energy. You possess a lot of enthusiasm and easily communicate your deep feelings and strong desires to have a love relationship, yet sometimes you hold back, monitoring and intellectualizing your interests in another instead of verbalizing your romantic interest in having commitment in your life. You would prefer if they make the first move before you're comfortable enough to let them know how you feel. Much of the transformation you will be experiencing this year will be in relationships and in partnerships, helping you to see more deeply into your own motivation. Deep and profound changes in your dynamics of togetherness will give you an opportunity to explore your deeper needs and personal desires in a new way that will change your life forever. You start the year off wanting to be in an intimate relationship, and the blessings you experience will accumulate throughout the year -- both financially and otherwise -- once you decide you are sure you want to go forward. Your whole life will be dramatically changed for the better and you may get deeply involved in this relationship, because it will be amazingly transforming. You will find new ways of establishing harmony when you focus on forming a closer emotional attachment. You find a lot of faith and trust in this relationship and incline to be very poetic about seeing things from a more high-minded viewpoint. You will find wisdom in sharing with each other and finding your own independent inner strength. Learn acceptance of each other through spontaneous communication of your spiritual ideals and insights.
--- and----
Year 2008 RomanceProvided by Astrology.com
Taurus
This year, you may find yourself attracted to someone you work with. Your passionate nature attracts someone who shares your values and has a deep focus on their career. Consider spending free time together, sharing in activities that keep you actively engaged with each other. Almost everything you do together will allow you to feel a balanced flow of energy.
As the year progresses, you really like the idea of sharing your life with this person. Hopefully, this person in will feel the same way! As you deepen your own self-awareness, and recognize your own self-worth, you will attract the love you need and deserve. When you find your perfect soul mate, you an innate sense of closeness develops. You both revel in both the natural world, and in lively social situations. This year will bring positive changes in how you communicate with others, as well. Your passion and charm rise to the surface, and you yearn for a deeper commitment with the one you love. This could be the one to make you dream to walk down the aisle.
So. What does this mean? You read it here first, folks.
Absolute mindjob.
b
The following is brought to you by Yahoo Astrology:
Year 2008 RomanceProvided by Astrology.com Gemini You love being intimately connected with another and have no problem sending out those signals. Your passionate, sensual and patient energy is given to others freely and people appreciate receiving your soothing energy. You possess a lot of enthusiasm and easily communicate your deep feelings and strong desires to have a love relationship, yet sometimes you hold back, monitoring and intellectualizing your interests in another instead of verbalizing your romantic interest in having commitment in your life. You would prefer if they make the first move before you're comfortable enough to let them know how you feel. Much of the transformation you will be experiencing this year will be in relationships and in partnerships, helping you to see more deeply into your own motivation. Deep and profound changes in your dynamics of togetherness will give you an opportunity to explore your deeper needs and personal desires in a new way that will change your life forever. You start the year off wanting to be in an intimate relationship, and the blessings you experience will accumulate throughout the year -- both financially and otherwise -- once you decide you are sure you want to go forward. Your whole life will be dramatically changed for the better and you may get deeply involved in this relationship, because it will be amazingly transforming. You will find new ways of establishing harmony when you focus on forming a closer emotional attachment. You find a lot of faith and trust in this relationship and incline to be very poetic about seeing things from a more high-minded viewpoint. You will find wisdom in sharing with each other and finding your own independent inner strength. Learn acceptance of each other through spontaneous communication of your spiritual ideals and insights.
--- and----
Year 2008 RomanceProvided by Astrology.com
Taurus
This year, you may find yourself attracted to someone you work with. Your passionate nature attracts someone who shares your values and has a deep focus on their career. Consider spending free time together, sharing in activities that keep you actively engaged with each other. Almost everything you do together will allow you to feel a balanced flow of energy.
As the year progresses, you really like the idea of sharing your life with this person. Hopefully, this person in will feel the same way! As you deepen your own self-awareness, and recognize your own self-worth, you will attract the love you need and deserve. When you find your perfect soul mate, you an innate sense of closeness develops. You both revel in both the natural world, and in lively social situations. This year will bring positive changes in how you communicate with others, as well. Your passion and charm rise to the surface, and you yearn for a deeper commitment with the one you love. This could be the one to make you dream to walk down the aisle.
So. What does this mean? You read it here first, folks.
Absolute mindjob.
b
Sunday, January 06, 2008
keep trucking
I have to keep it moving. Because when I stop, I think of him, and I can't break down. I can't break down. I can't break down. I can't break down.
Stay strong, stay focused.
Why does it still hurt? How do I move past this?
b
Stay strong, stay focused.
Why does it still hurt? How do I move past this?
b
Friday, January 04, 2008
Thursday, January 03, 2008
I suck.
The end.
In other news, people are being really nice to me. Tomorrow I'm having dinner with some friends, and meeting new ones.
A girlfriend of mine is into moving to the same countries I am, so I might have a travel buddy, which is awesome. I'll believe it when I see it for sure, but it's still nice.
I broke some serious personal rules this weekend, and I have to stop. It's hard, though. Aurgh.
I over-analyse everything, I'm compulsive, and I throw myself completely into everything I do. How...
How...
I need to talk to B&W... he'll help me figure this out. Simplify.
Simplify.
b
In other news, people are being really nice to me. Tomorrow I'm having dinner with some friends, and meeting new ones.
A girlfriend of mine is into moving to the same countries I am, so I might have a travel buddy, which is awesome. I'll believe it when I see it for sure, but it's still nice.
I broke some serious personal rules this weekend, and I have to stop. It's hard, though. Aurgh.
I over-analyse everything, I'm compulsive, and I throw myself completely into everything I do. How...
How...
I need to talk to B&W... he'll help me figure this out. Simplify.
Simplify.
b
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
ritah's request.
Ritah's told me to update my blog. Here I am.
Updating.
I've just come off a great weekend. Ten of us rented a cabin in North Carolina for the Gregorian New Year's. Hot tubbing, conversations until dawn and massive bonding sessions ensued. I learned much about people from my trip, and also got a great deal of more respect for one of my new friends.
I have a thing, this severe problem, where I take people to heart. The people I take to heart... I will go to the ends of the earth for them. I will do whatever I can, whatever I've got in my power to help them reach their goals, or remain happy, or attain happiness. If I can end their suffering, I'm happy. If I can make one smile, I've succeeded. If I can take a moment of their pain away, I can live forever.
In short, they have my attention 100%. They are my family. They say that blood is thicker than water, but here, once you're in, you're the water in my blood.
I know, that's totally lame.
As a result of this weekend, I've had a recent addition to my family. Never would have thought this person would be added into my family, but there it is. This person... killed me. They just killed me. I've never met a more beautiful person.
I'm glad I went.
Today I cried for ten minutes. Their reality hit me, the reality of how fine the line is that they've got separating the black from the white, and I just cried. I dunno, maybe I cried for them, who knows. They think in black and white, and I don't. Yet... their life is so much less complicated as a result. I... I envy that in some strange way. I mean, they have their problems too, but they have to be strong, and so they are. It's... "simple."
I wish I had an ounce of the strength this person has.
An ounce.
In short, I rang in the Gregorian New Year's with a bang, and I'm at once excited and disappointed in the New Year.
"B- is Great; 2008" was supposed to be this year's theme, but I suppose "b is great in 2008" will have to do instead.
New Year. New Beginnings. New Countries. New Everything.
As for the past, all I can say is:
I tried. I gave it my all. In the end, it wasn't enough.
In other news, this weekend I argued a Welshman that Gerard Butler is Scottish and WON. I know my Scots. I'm learning I've got a huge thing for them, since all the men I'm into lately seem to be Scottish. Maybe I'll move there. He's also got the type I like... Brown hair, light eyes... Hold on, So has James McAvoy... and Paul McGillion... and David Tennant... Are all Scots built this way? I'm moving! And Billy Boyd... even though he's shorter than the rest. and apparently's got a baby. I dunno about Gerard Butler having a family. James McAvoy is taken.
Gerard Butler was also the Phantom in the recent film version. That made me hurt. I ached. *Sigh.*
I'm SO moving to Scotland.
=)
Maybe that would be too much fun.
What else can I catch you up on? My men love me and I love my men. I talked to a friend of mine today, who was certainly thrilled I'm single again, and suggested we dine together. He's got a project for me, and I just love it when people return my love. He's in my family, and here he is looking out for me. He's got an improv/saturday night live/ group thing going, and he says it's not complete without me. I love him. I have another one who won't let me be industrial with my looks. When I take a hard lens to my looks, and a business approach to myself, he reels me back in and basically won't listen to a word I say unless its, "I love myself, I'm marketable, I'm fabulous."
I love him.
Christmas I read a lady's palm and it was scary because I read she'd had two miscarriages and that she was going to have serious finanial difficulty later in life. Sometimes, I don't like being right.
I also had my fortune read a few days before, and it was HI-larious. Scary, really, cause of what it said. It didn't say anything about the future. It was about the present and the past. About how certain situations I've still got on my mind aren't worth it, and that the World is my Oyster, etc. I can do anything, have anything and anyone I want, it said.
It was scary. Intimidating.
I know this entry is all over the place. One last bit about the hot tub: it was great. The weekend was great and I don't regret a stitch of it. Only, you can't really take pictures in the hot tub cause no one can really see through the steam. I needed that weekend to push out everyone and everything and just... live. I've never tried that before, and lemme tell you, it was nice.
Now, back to my regularly scheduled responsibilities!
Updating.
I've just come off a great weekend. Ten of us rented a cabin in North Carolina for the Gregorian New Year's. Hot tubbing, conversations until dawn and massive bonding sessions ensued. I learned much about people from my trip, and also got a great deal of more respect for one of my new friends.
I have a thing, this severe problem, where I take people to heart. The people I take to heart... I will go to the ends of the earth for them. I will do whatever I can, whatever I've got in my power to help them reach their goals, or remain happy, or attain happiness. If I can end their suffering, I'm happy. If I can make one smile, I've succeeded. If I can take a moment of their pain away, I can live forever.
In short, they have my attention 100%. They are my family. They say that blood is thicker than water, but here, once you're in, you're the water in my blood.
I know, that's totally lame.
As a result of this weekend, I've had a recent addition to my family. Never would have thought this person would be added into my family, but there it is. This person... killed me. They just killed me. I've never met a more beautiful person.
I'm glad I went.
Today I cried for ten minutes. Their reality hit me, the reality of how fine the line is that they've got separating the black from the white, and I just cried. I dunno, maybe I cried for them, who knows. They think in black and white, and I don't. Yet... their life is so much less complicated as a result. I... I envy that in some strange way. I mean, they have their problems too, but they have to be strong, and so they are. It's... "simple."
I wish I had an ounce of the strength this person has.
An ounce.
In short, I rang in the Gregorian New Year's with a bang, and I'm at once excited and disappointed in the New Year.
"B- is Great; 2008" was supposed to be this year's theme, but I suppose "b is great in 2008" will have to do instead.
New Year. New Beginnings. New Countries. New Everything.
As for the past, all I can say is:
I tried. I gave it my all. In the end, it wasn't enough.
In other news, this weekend I argued a Welshman that Gerard Butler is Scottish and WON. I know my Scots. I'm learning I've got a huge thing for them, since all the men I'm into lately seem to be Scottish. Maybe I'll move there. He's also got the type I like... Brown hair, light eyes... Hold on, So has James McAvoy... and Paul McGillion... and David Tennant... Are all Scots built this way? I'm moving! And Billy Boyd... even though he's shorter than the rest. and apparently's got a baby. I dunno about Gerard Butler having a family. James McAvoy is taken.
Gerard Butler was also the Phantom in the recent film version. That made me hurt. I ached. *Sigh.*
I'm SO moving to Scotland.
=)
Maybe that would be too much fun.
What else can I catch you up on? My men love me and I love my men. I talked to a friend of mine today, who was certainly thrilled I'm single again, and suggested we dine together. He's got a project for me, and I just love it when people return my love. He's in my family, and here he is looking out for me. He's got an improv/saturday night live/ group thing going, and he says it's not complete without me. I love him. I have another one who won't let me be industrial with my looks. When I take a hard lens to my looks, and a business approach to myself, he reels me back in and basically won't listen to a word I say unless its, "I love myself, I'm marketable, I'm fabulous."
I love him.
Christmas I read a lady's palm and it was scary because I read she'd had two miscarriages and that she was going to have serious finanial difficulty later in life. Sometimes, I don't like being right.
I also had my fortune read a few days before, and it was HI-larious. Scary, really, cause of what it said. It didn't say anything about the future. It was about the present and the past. About how certain situations I've still got on my mind aren't worth it, and that the World is my Oyster, etc. I can do anything, have anything and anyone I want, it said.
It was scary. Intimidating.
I know this entry is all over the place. One last bit about the hot tub: it was great. The weekend was great and I don't regret a stitch of it. Only, you can't really take pictures in the hot tub cause no one can really see through the steam. I needed that weekend to push out everyone and everything and just... live. I've never tried that before, and lemme tell you, it was nice.
Now, back to my regularly scheduled responsibilities!
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