I'm blessed.
My parents are both alive. Blessing.
I have people in my life who love me. Blessing.
I have people in my life who care about me. Blessing.
I have friends. Blessing.
I have shoulders to cry on. Blessing.
I have a job. Blessing.
This job gives me the funds to support my family. Blessing.
I have my theatre company. Blessing.
I have the money to put myself through school. Blessing.
My car is paid off. BLESSING.
I am worthy of love. Blessing.
I am in a position to be able to love others. BLESSING.
God Loves Me Unconditionally, Every Day.
BLESSING.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
here's the thing.
i like him. he likes me.
neither of us should be liking anyone.
my friends say go for it.
i have no clue what his friends say.
he says he wants to try, and doesn't want this to be a rebound.
I say that's what it would be no matter how you cut it.
My trusted psychic friend says he's telling the truth, though.
Sigh.
I know he cares. I know he does, I just feel like it's premature.
Like give it time. Will you still be flirting with me? Will you still be inviting me over? Will you still be saying the things you say?
I don't mind the flirting. It's healthy and it makes me feel beautiful and wanted. And it's all talk. It's a way to vent and get out frustration without harming yourself. Or the other person.
And then... I catch myself in the cynical femail critical eye way, and think, "you know, he's all talk. I haven't seen one email that's initiated from him, or one phone call, or one text."
Correction: There was a text.
But there's no action that backs up the verbal stuff. And I'm scared of what that action might entail, should it rear itself.
So, as it is now, I have an open invitation to his home.
He says he doesn't want this to be a rebound thing.
I think we need to nip it in the bud and not go any farther with anything than we already have. Right now, it's perfect. No one has done or said anything that they might regret. There are no strings. Just two people who enjoy each other's company holding conversation.
Two people who might get attached if they're not careful.
The fact is, neither of us are free of our pasts at the moment. I'm still not over my ex. I am, and I'm not. I'm over the fact that he's not coming back, and I'm not over the fact that he was such a big part of my life and who I was. So I feel like I have all of this love... like a big ball of love that I'm holding in my hands and it is heavy and I'm looking for a place to put it down.
That's dangerous. Because if I put it down on another person. Wrong person, right person, I'm not ready. I need me time.
He needs "he" time.
Then when that's all said and done, we can try "we" time.
Until then, it better stay all talk.
neither of us should be liking anyone.
my friends say go for it.
i have no clue what his friends say.
he says he wants to try, and doesn't want this to be a rebound.
I say that's what it would be no matter how you cut it.
My trusted psychic friend says he's telling the truth, though.
Sigh.
I know he cares. I know he does, I just feel like it's premature.
Like give it time. Will you still be flirting with me? Will you still be inviting me over? Will you still be saying the things you say?
I don't mind the flirting. It's healthy and it makes me feel beautiful and wanted. And it's all talk. It's a way to vent and get out frustration without harming yourself. Or the other person.
And then... I catch myself in the cynical femail critical eye way, and think, "you know, he's all talk. I haven't seen one email that's initiated from him, or one phone call, or one text."
Correction: There was a text.
But there's no action that backs up the verbal stuff. And I'm scared of what that action might entail, should it rear itself.
So, as it is now, I have an open invitation to his home.
He says he doesn't want this to be a rebound thing.
I think we need to nip it in the bud and not go any farther with anything than we already have. Right now, it's perfect. No one has done or said anything that they might regret. There are no strings. Just two people who enjoy each other's company holding conversation.
Two people who might get attached if they're not careful.
The fact is, neither of us are free of our pasts at the moment. I'm still not over my ex. I am, and I'm not. I'm over the fact that he's not coming back, and I'm not over the fact that he was such a big part of my life and who I was. So I feel like I have all of this love... like a big ball of love that I'm holding in my hands and it is heavy and I'm looking for a place to put it down.
That's dangerous. Because if I put it down on another person. Wrong person, right person, I'm not ready. I need me time.
He needs "he" time.
Then when that's all said and done, we can try "we" time.
Until then, it better stay all talk.
aurgh
People give me headaches.
Just tell me how to love you, you know? Because I do. Just because my way of showing it doesn't match with your way of receiving it doesn't mean I don't love you.
Because I do.
b
Just tell me how to love you, you know? Because I do. Just because my way of showing it doesn't match with your way of receiving it doesn't mean I don't love you.
Because I do.
b
Please Note
Recently, a person who used to be a good friend of mine engaged in a conversation online with me. I was responsive until he suggested something negative towards a mutual friend of ours as a joke, but it ended up killing the conversation. Then, a few minutes later, he opts to change the subject with this gem:
"please note, I'm trying really, really hard to be a good friend right now: How's life?"
I could not respond. I still haven't responded. Try to be a good friend? Trying really, really hard? Don't bother. If it's effort for you to befriend me and exert some small grace of concern for my well being, save it.
I don't need people who need to try to be a friend. I want people who ARE my friends.
b
"please note, I'm trying really, really hard to be a good friend right now: How's life?"
I could not respond. I still haven't responded. Try to be a good friend? Trying really, really hard? Don't bother. If it's effort for you to befriend me and exert some small grace of concern for my well being, save it.
I don't need people who need to try to be a friend. I want people who ARE my friends.
b
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
...
Okay. I think we all know that I'm born on the cusp of Taurus & Gemini. As such, when I read them, I always make it a point to read both, since the truth usually lies in some Venn-Diagram shape of the two. So, in light of all that's been going on, Ritah decided to remind me of the always-reliable, completely scientific Horoscope.
The following is brought to you by Yahoo Astrology:
Year 2008 RomanceProvided by Astrology.com Gemini You love being intimately connected with another and have no problem sending out those signals. Your passionate, sensual and patient energy is given to others freely and people appreciate receiving your soothing energy. You possess a lot of enthusiasm and easily communicate your deep feelings and strong desires to have a love relationship, yet sometimes you hold back, monitoring and intellectualizing your interests in another instead of verbalizing your romantic interest in having commitment in your life. You would prefer if they make the first move before you're comfortable enough to let them know how you feel. Much of the transformation you will be experiencing this year will be in relationships and in partnerships, helping you to see more deeply into your own motivation. Deep and profound changes in your dynamics of togetherness will give you an opportunity to explore your deeper needs and personal desires in a new way that will change your life forever. You start the year off wanting to be in an intimate relationship, and the blessings you experience will accumulate throughout the year -- both financially and otherwise -- once you decide you are sure you want to go forward. Your whole life will be dramatically changed for the better and you may get deeply involved in this relationship, because it will be amazingly transforming. You will find new ways of establishing harmony when you focus on forming a closer emotional attachment. You find a lot of faith and trust in this relationship and incline to be very poetic about seeing things from a more high-minded viewpoint. You will find wisdom in sharing with each other and finding your own independent inner strength. Learn acceptance of each other through spontaneous communication of your spiritual ideals and insights.
--- and----
Year 2008 RomanceProvided by Astrology.com
Taurus
This year, you may find yourself attracted to someone you work with. Your passionate nature attracts someone who shares your values and has a deep focus on their career. Consider spending free time together, sharing in activities that keep you actively engaged with each other. Almost everything you do together will allow you to feel a balanced flow of energy.
As the year progresses, you really like the idea of sharing your life with this person. Hopefully, this person in will feel the same way! As you deepen your own self-awareness, and recognize your own self-worth, you will attract the love you need and deserve. When you find your perfect soul mate, you an innate sense of closeness develops. You both revel in both the natural world, and in lively social situations. This year will bring positive changes in how you communicate with others, as well. Your passion and charm rise to the surface, and you yearn for a deeper commitment with the one you love. This could be the one to make you dream to walk down the aisle.
So. What does this mean? You read it here first, folks.
Absolute mindjob.
b
The following is brought to you by Yahoo Astrology:
Year 2008 RomanceProvided by Astrology.com Gemini You love being intimately connected with another and have no problem sending out those signals. Your passionate, sensual and patient energy is given to others freely and people appreciate receiving your soothing energy. You possess a lot of enthusiasm and easily communicate your deep feelings and strong desires to have a love relationship, yet sometimes you hold back, monitoring and intellectualizing your interests in another instead of verbalizing your romantic interest in having commitment in your life. You would prefer if they make the first move before you're comfortable enough to let them know how you feel. Much of the transformation you will be experiencing this year will be in relationships and in partnerships, helping you to see more deeply into your own motivation. Deep and profound changes in your dynamics of togetherness will give you an opportunity to explore your deeper needs and personal desires in a new way that will change your life forever. You start the year off wanting to be in an intimate relationship, and the blessings you experience will accumulate throughout the year -- both financially and otherwise -- once you decide you are sure you want to go forward. Your whole life will be dramatically changed for the better and you may get deeply involved in this relationship, because it will be amazingly transforming. You will find new ways of establishing harmony when you focus on forming a closer emotional attachment. You find a lot of faith and trust in this relationship and incline to be very poetic about seeing things from a more high-minded viewpoint. You will find wisdom in sharing with each other and finding your own independent inner strength. Learn acceptance of each other through spontaneous communication of your spiritual ideals and insights.
--- and----
Year 2008 RomanceProvided by Astrology.com
Taurus
This year, you may find yourself attracted to someone you work with. Your passionate nature attracts someone who shares your values and has a deep focus on their career. Consider spending free time together, sharing in activities that keep you actively engaged with each other. Almost everything you do together will allow you to feel a balanced flow of energy.
As the year progresses, you really like the idea of sharing your life with this person. Hopefully, this person in will feel the same way! As you deepen your own self-awareness, and recognize your own self-worth, you will attract the love you need and deserve. When you find your perfect soul mate, you an innate sense of closeness develops. You both revel in both the natural world, and in lively social situations. This year will bring positive changes in how you communicate with others, as well. Your passion and charm rise to the surface, and you yearn for a deeper commitment with the one you love. This could be the one to make you dream to walk down the aisle.
So. What does this mean? You read it here first, folks.
Absolute mindjob.
b
Sunday, January 06, 2008
keep trucking
I have to keep it moving. Because when I stop, I think of him, and I can't break down. I can't break down. I can't break down. I can't break down.
Stay strong, stay focused.
Why does it still hurt? How do I move past this?
b
Stay strong, stay focused.
Why does it still hurt? How do I move past this?
b
Friday, January 04, 2008
Thursday, January 03, 2008
I suck.
The end.
In other news, people are being really nice to me. Tomorrow I'm having dinner with some friends, and meeting new ones.
A girlfriend of mine is into moving to the same countries I am, so I might have a travel buddy, which is awesome. I'll believe it when I see it for sure, but it's still nice.
I broke some serious personal rules this weekend, and I have to stop. It's hard, though. Aurgh.
I over-analyse everything, I'm compulsive, and I throw myself completely into everything I do. How...
How...
I need to talk to B&W... he'll help me figure this out. Simplify.
Simplify.
b
In other news, people are being really nice to me. Tomorrow I'm having dinner with some friends, and meeting new ones.
A girlfriend of mine is into moving to the same countries I am, so I might have a travel buddy, which is awesome. I'll believe it when I see it for sure, but it's still nice.
I broke some serious personal rules this weekend, and I have to stop. It's hard, though. Aurgh.
I over-analyse everything, I'm compulsive, and I throw myself completely into everything I do. How...
How...
I need to talk to B&W... he'll help me figure this out. Simplify.
Simplify.
b
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
ritah's request.
Ritah's told me to update my blog. Here I am.
Updating.
I've just come off a great weekend. Ten of us rented a cabin in North Carolina for the Gregorian New Year's. Hot tubbing, conversations until dawn and massive bonding sessions ensued. I learned much about people from my trip, and also got a great deal of more respect for one of my new friends.
I have a thing, this severe problem, where I take people to heart. The people I take to heart... I will go to the ends of the earth for them. I will do whatever I can, whatever I've got in my power to help them reach their goals, or remain happy, or attain happiness. If I can end their suffering, I'm happy. If I can make one smile, I've succeeded. If I can take a moment of their pain away, I can live forever.
In short, they have my attention 100%. They are my family. They say that blood is thicker than water, but here, once you're in, you're the water in my blood.
I know, that's totally lame.
As a result of this weekend, I've had a recent addition to my family. Never would have thought this person would be added into my family, but there it is. This person... killed me. They just killed me. I've never met a more beautiful person.
I'm glad I went.
Today I cried for ten minutes. Their reality hit me, the reality of how fine the line is that they've got separating the black from the white, and I just cried. I dunno, maybe I cried for them, who knows. They think in black and white, and I don't. Yet... their life is so much less complicated as a result. I... I envy that in some strange way. I mean, they have their problems too, but they have to be strong, and so they are. It's... "simple."
I wish I had an ounce of the strength this person has.
An ounce.
In short, I rang in the Gregorian New Year's with a bang, and I'm at once excited and disappointed in the New Year.
"B- is Great; 2008" was supposed to be this year's theme, but I suppose "b is great in 2008" will have to do instead.
New Year. New Beginnings. New Countries. New Everything.
As for the past, all I can say is:
I tried. I gave it my all. In the end, it wasn't enough.
In other news, this weekend I argued a Welshman that Gerard Butler is Scottish and WON. I know my Scots. I'm learning I've got a huge thing for them, since all the men I'm into lately seem to be Scottish. Maybe I'll move there. He's also got the type I like... Brown hair, light eyes... Hold on, So has James McAvoy... and Paul McGillion... and David Tennant... Are all Scots built this way? I'm moving! And Billy Boyd... even though he's shorter than the rest. and apparently's got a baby. I dunno about Gerard Butler having a family. James McAvoy is taken.
Gerard Butler was also the Phantom in the recent film version. That made me hurt. I ached. *Sigh.*
I'm SO moving to Scotland.
=)
Maybe that would be too much fun.
What else can I catch you up on? My men love me and I love my men. I talked to a friend of mine today, who was certainly thrilled I'm single again, and suggested we dine together. He's got a project for me, and I just love it when people return my love. He's in my family, and here he is looking out for me. He's got an improv/saturday night live/ group thing going, and he says it's not complete without me. I love him. I have another one who won't let me be industrial with my looks. When I take a hard lens to my looks, and a business approach to myself, he reels me back in and basically won't listen to a word I say unless its, "I love myself, I'm marketable, I'm fabulous."
I love him.
Christmas I read a lady's palm and it was scary because I read she'd had two miscarriages and that she was going to have serious finanial difficulty later in life. Sometimes, I don't like being right.
I also had my fortune read a few days before, and it was HI-larious. Scary, really, cause of what it said. It didn't say anything about the future. It was about the present and the past. About how certain situations I've still got on my mind aren't worth it, and that the World is my Oyster, etc. I can do anything, have anything and anyone I want, it said.
It was scary. Intimidating.
I know this entry is all over the place. One last bit about the hot tub: it was great. The weekend was great and I don't regret a stitch of it. Only, you can't really take pictures in the hot tub cause no one can really see through the steam. I needed that weekend to push out everyone and everything and just... live. I've never tried that before, and lemme tell you, it was nice.
Now, back to my regularly scheduled responsibilities!
Updating.
I've just come off a great weekend. Ten of us rented a cabin in North Carolina for the Gregorian New Year's. Hot tubbing, conversations until dawn and massive bonding sessions ensued. I learned much about people from my trip, and also got a great deal of more respect for one of my new friends.
I have a thing, this severe problem, where I take people to heart. The people I take to heart... I will go to the ends of the earth for them. I will do whatever I can, whatever I've got in my power to help them reach their goals, or remain happy, or attain happiness. If I can end their suffering, I'm happy. If I can make one smile, I've succeeded. If I can take a moment of their pain away, I can live forever.
In short, they have my attention 100%. They are my family. They say that blood is thicker than water, but here, once you're in, you're the water in my blood.
I know, that's totally lame.
As a result of this weekend, I've had a recent addition to my family. Never would have thought this person would be added into my family, but there it is. This person... killed me. They just killed me. I've never met a more beautiful person.
I'm glad I went.
Today I cried for ten minutes. Their reality hit me, the reality of how fine the line is that they've got separating the black from the white, and I just cried. I dunno, maybe I cried for them, who knows. They think in black and white, and I don't. Yet... their life is so much less complicated as a result. I... I envy that in some strange way. I mean, they have their problems too, but they have to be strong, and so they are. It's... "simple."
I wish I had an ounce of the strength this person has.
An ounce.
In short, I rang in the Gregorian New Year's with a bang, and I'm at once excited and disappointed in the New Year.
"B- is Great; 2008" was supposed to be this year's theme, but I suppose "b is great in 2008" will have to do instead.
New Year. New Beginnings. New Countries. New Everything.
As for the past, all I can say is:
I tried. I gave it my all. In the end, it wasn't enough.
In other news, this weekend I argued a Welshman that Gerard Butler is Scottish and WON. I know my Scots. I'm learning I've got a huge thing for them, since all the men I'm into lately seem to be Scottish. Maybe I'll move there. He's also got the type I like... Brown hair, light eyes... Hold on, So has James McAvoy... and Paul McGillion... and David Tennant... Are all Scots built this way? I'm moving! And Billy Boyd... even though he's shorter than the rest. and apparently's got a baby. I dunno about Gerard Butler having a family. James McAvoy is taken.
Gerard Butler was also the Phantom in the recent film version. That made me hurt. I ached. *Sigh.*
I'm SO moving to Scotland.
=)
Maybe that would be too much fun.
What else can I catch you up on? My men love me and I love my men. I talked to a friend of mine today, who was certainly thrilled I'm single again, and suggested we dine together. He's got a project for me, and I just love it when people return my love. He's in my family, and here he is looking out for me. He's got an improv/saturday night live/ group thing going, and he says it's not complete without me. I love him. I have another one who won't let me be industrial with my looks. When I take a hard lens to my looks, and a business approach to myself, he reels me back in and basically won't listen to a word I say unless its, "I love myself, I'm marketable, I'm fabulous."
I love him.
Christmas I read a lady's palm and it was scary because I read she'd had two miscarriages and that she was going to have serious finanial difficulty later in life. Sometimes, I don't like being right.
I also had my fortune read a few days before, and it was HI-larious. Scary, really, cause of what it said. It didn't say anything about the future. It was about the present and the past. About how certain situations I've still got on my mind aren't worth it, and that the World is my Oyster, etc. I can do anything, have anything and anyone I want, it said.
It was scary. Intimidating.
I know this entry is all over the place. One last bit about the hot tub: it was great. The weekend was great and I don't regret a stitch of it. Only, you can't really take pictures in the hot tub cause no one can really see through the steam. I needed that weekend to push out everyone and everything and just... live. I've never tried that before, and lemme tell you, it was nice.
Now, back to my regularly scheduled responsibilities!
Sunday, December 09, 2007
I knew it. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.
Taurus: (April 20 - May 20) A hackneyed but nonetheless wise old adage says, “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.” Don’t be tempted to fall into your old habit of procrastination. The world needs you now.
More
Gemini: (May 21 - June 20) With your way with words and your gifts for persuasion, you could play an important role in world transformation. Even if you only serve as spokesperson for your own community, you’re still making a difference. Remember that.
More
Gemini: (May 21 - June 20) With your way with words and your gifts for persuasion, you could play an important role in world transformation. Even if you only serve as spokesperson for your own community, you’re still making a difference. Remember that.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Buying for Banafsheh, 101
It's the holiday season, so I expect some folks might think of me as they shop.
That said, I've included this handy buying tip for when you reach for that Lord of the Rings calendar, you'll know to put it back and get the original print of the books (if not original, at least early enough that it hasn't got the movie representations all splashed on the cover).
Tip #1: I like practical.
Every present I've ever given is something someone can use in some way; either something that will help them make a statement, provide an image, or tools in order to continue a dream. In that vein, I don't like stuff... I have enough random stuff of my own, and to get more stuff frustrates me cause I have to house and make room for just one more thing I can't actually get any use out of.
Tip #2: I like original.
Say some idiotic studio wants to do Casablanca again. Do not buy me anything to do with the new movie. I won't like it. Say the studio actually manages to make a great movie, and I end up liking the new movie in spite of myself. Don't but me anything to do with the new movie. Still get the original poster, or the original film.
Tip #3: I like Vintage.
This kinda ties into Tip #2, with this slight difference: Using the LotR example from before, if you got me a book series without movie images, that's Tip #2. However, if you got me the 1954 original print, I'd simply die.
Tip #4: Collectibles.
I do not go for collectibles, because people do not know what collectibles are. Original is not always collectible. Vintage is. An original, vintage, never opened He-Man is way cooler than the beefcake, overdone, why-can-I-count-the-veins-on-a-toy crap they've got now. Remade stuff now is just kitschy, and won't sell, or mean anything in 20 years. Now, again using the LotR example, the original, animated Bilbo Baggins movie is a collectible. A dvd of this would fall under original. A VHS would fall under vintage, but I wouldn't be able to get much use of it, so the dvd works just fine.
Tip #5: Theater.
THIS WILL ALWAYS WORK. If all else fails, go the theatrical route. Tickets, plays, musical scores, vintage playbills... be creative. I guarantee it'll work. If you screw this up, there's no helping you. Seriously.
Tip #6 Like vs. Love.
If there's something I like, unless you purchase it immediately after I mention it, I will not like it. I will have had time to move on and like something else. If I love it, and it always comes up in conversation, or you know for a fact I'll love it, get it. But if it's like... something that... I have a choice between... How do I explain? If there's a boy band, or a group, and I single out a member as being my favourite, don't get me his calendar. It's not that serious. It's just that of my choices, he's the favourite. That's all. Unless it's noel gallagher, and even with him, I'm stuck between being over him and never getting over him. I think I can sum up our non-existent relationship with: I'll always love him, but I don't have anything of his and I'm very okay with that.
Tip#7 Music.
You can't go wrong with legends. My entire music collection was stolen in the move from Pittsburgh to DC, so I don't have anything.
I think this is good for our introduction of buying for banafsheh.
b
That said, I've included this handy buying tip for when you reach for that Lord of the Rings calendar, you'll know to put it back and get the original print of the books (if not original, at least early enough that it hasn't got the movie representations all splashed on the cover).
Tip #1: I like practical.
Every present I've ever given is something someone can use in some way; either something that will help them make a statement, provide an image, or tools in order to continue a dream. In that vein, I don't like stuff... I have enough random stuff of my own, and to get more stuff frustrates me cause I have to house and make room for just one more thing I can't actually get any use out of.
Tip #2: I like original.
Say some idiotic studio wants to do Casablanca again. Do not buy me anything to do with the new movie. I won't like it. Say the studio actually manages to make a great movie, and I end up liking the new movie in spite of myself. Don't but me anything to do with the new movie. Still get the original poster, or the original film.
Tip #3: I like Vintage.
This kinda ties into Tip #2, with this slight difference: Using the LotR example from before, if you got me a book series without movie images, that's Tip #2. However, if you got me the 1954 original print, I'd simply die.
Tip #4: Collectibles.
I do not go for collectibles, because people do not know what collectibles are. Original is not always collectible. Vintage is. An original, vintage, never opened He-Man is way cooler than the beefcake, overdone, why-can-I-count-the-veins-on-a-toy crap they've got now. Remade stuff now is just kitschy, and won't sell, or mean anything in 20 years. Now, again using the LotR example, the original, animated Bilbo Baggins movie is a collectible. A dvd of this would fall under original. A VHS would fall under vintage, but I wouldn't be able to get much use of it, so the dvd works just fine.
Tip #5: Theater.
THIS WILL ALWAYS WORK. If all else fails, go the theatrical route. Tickets, plays, musical scores, vintage playbills... be creative. I guarantee it'll work. If you screw this up, there's no helping you. Seriously.
Tip #6 Like vs. Love.
If there's something I like, unless you purchase it immediately after I mention it, I will not like it. I will have had time to move on and like something else. If I love it, and it always comes up in conversation, or you know for a fact I'll love it, get it. But if it's like... something that... I have a choice between... How do I explain? If there's a boy band, or a group, and I single out a member as being my favourite, don't get me his calendar. It's not that serious. It's just that of my choices, he's the favourite. That's all. Unless it's noel gallagher, and even with him, I'm stuck between being over him and never getting over him. I think I can sum up our non-existent relationship with: I'll always love him, but I don't have anything of his and I'm very okay with that.
Tip#7 Music.
You can't go wrong with legends. My entire music collection was stolen in the move from Pittsburgh to DC, so I don't have anything.
I think this is good for our introduction of buying for banafsheh.
b
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
?
He loves me. I get that. It's even more evident today.
He came first thing in the morning with breakfast.
He loves me.
And I have no idea what to do with that.
b
He came first thing in the morning with breakfast.
He loves me.
And I have no idea what to do with that.
b
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Happiness comes in little pills
There's an episode of Dr. Who featuring the tenth doctor and Martha, where they go to New Earth and New New York, after the other two times he went with Rose. There's an infrastructure in place there, and some plot lines about self-sufficient busywork, but the part I want to focus on is the drug patches. There's a bit where the market comes to life but all they sell are states of being. There's an anger patch, a happy patch, a sleep patch, and a "forget" patch. So the Doctor goes on this chase to save Martha and ends up finding the senate, all of whose members are long dead, bodies left in the very positions they died in. So the doctor finds that what happened was they all died from exposure to the new patch, "bliss." They were so blissful they just didnt want to do anything or go anywhere so they ended up dying. Blissfully, no doubt, but they're dead just the same.
Anyways, don't know why I shared that; just thought you should know.
I've taken a look about me at the things I've got going on and realised that they're the very things that aught to make me happy. Only I'm not. There's something missing that's been missing for a very long time and I don't want to put my finger on it. Cause it scares me. It scares me that here I am at the brink of the something that's been missing my whole life and...
What if it's fulfilling? What if it's not? What if it kills me? What if I have to give up everything and everyone I've ever loved to have it? Someone pointed out that they can tell when I want to do something simply by the way I light up when i'm discussing it.
This morning, I woke up happy. So happy, in fact, I came to work in what I slept in, and didn't care to don any undies. I thought, I'm going to do things my way; live my life, experience things I want to. I love travel; I'll travel.
I took a look at the things that I have:
I have a theater company. Sure, it's not my theater company, but I certainly won't make aname for myslf being pissed about that minor fact, will I? I've got to get my name out there and ride this train all the way to the station. Else, how will I have anyone willing to work with me when it DOES come time for me? I can't keep waiting... besides, it's better to fail on someone else's dime, anyways, isn't it?
I'm graduating. This is supposed to make me happy, but it's kind of bittersweet. It's freeing me up for my year of service, which I've always wanted to do, and never been able to do... and I can't keep postponing it. Once I even rationalized, well, I'll pioneer when I retire. What if I don't live that long? How can I come to grips with myself knowing I had an opportunity to do something important and then tabled it? It's not just the experience. It's the Year of Service. Baha'i's are encouraged to participate in a Year of Service and I've not done one. I could call myself a Homefront Pioneer, but I don't want to cause I think it's lame, and an easy way out. I've always wanted to do this... From Tanzania to Japan to South America and now China. The country may keep changing but the intent never has. Now's the time. If I stay, I'll never go, and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
Speaking of regret, I had someone recently encourage me to take on a show. I asked him for advice looking to be talked out of it, and instead he talked me into it, and assured me that we'd get through it. Get through it we did, and there was a point I just resented it all. Looking back, I couldn't be more greatful to him. I'd be sitting here on my own time right now, thinking about the old days of theater instead of thinking, "Well, i handled it. When's the next audition?" He proved to me that I can do more than I let myself decide and settle on. And I absolutely adore him for it.
That's part of the reason this kills me so much. I know I have a man like him in my corner... and to leave just feels like it's a slap in the face... But how can I give up something I've always wanted to do? And it's only for 365 days... I'd be back, with a vengeance, tearing up the DC theater circuit as I've wanted to, working on my children's theater programs and performing at night. Part of the reason I wanted to become a teacher in the first place (aside from weilding the power to influence minds) is the realization that it's the most flexible job ever. You can go anywhere in the world and get a job.
Sigh.
I keep alot bottled up. The whole purpose of getting a blog was so that I'd be able to write. I haven't written a stich since... well.... ever, my poetry site's been hacked and I've completely neglected it cause I didn't think anyone ever really used it. Turns out people do and knowing I'm letting them down just depresses me more instead of making me do something about it.
And all the while, here's this beautiful man in my corner, cheering me on, telling me to get back in the ring and fight it out. And I love him. And I don't want to let him go.
I'm torn, and I'm stuck, and I don't know what to do.
b
Anyways, don't know why I shared that; just thought you should know.
I've taken a look about me at the things I've got going on and realised that they're the very things that aught to make me happy. Only I'm not. There's something missing that's been missing for a very long time and I don't want to put my finger on it. Cause it scares me. It scares me that here I am at the brink of the something that's been missing my whole life and...
What if it's fulfilling? What if it's not? What if it kills me? What if I have to give up everything and everyone I've ever loved to have it? Someone pointed out that they can tell when I want to do something simply by the way I light up when i'm discussing it.
This morning, I woke up happy. So happy, in fact, I came to work in what I slept in, and didn't care to don any undies. I thought, I'm going to do things my way; live my life, experience things I want to. I love travel; I'll travel.
I took a look at the things that I have:
I have a theater company. Sure, it's not my theater company, but I certainly won't make aname for myslf being pissed about that minor fact, will I? I've got to get my name out there and ride this train all the way to the station. Else, how will I have anyone willing to work with me when it DOES come time for me? I can't keep waiting... besides, it's better to fail on someone else's dime, anyways, isn't it?
I'm graduating. This is supposed to make me happy, but it's kind of bittersweet. It's freeing me up for my year of service, which I've always wanted to do, and never been able to do... and I can't keep postponing it. Once I even rationalized, well, I'll pioneer when I retire. What if I don't live that long? How can I come to grips with myself knowing I had an opportunity to do something important and then tabled it? It's not just the experience. It's the Year of Service. Baha'i's are encouraged to participate in a Year of Service and I've not done one. I could call myself a Homefront Pioneer, but I don't want to cause I think it's lame, and an easy way out. I've always wanted to do this... From Tanzania to Japan to South America and now China. The country may keep changing but the intent never has. Now's the time. If I stay, I'll never go, and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
Speaking of regret, I had someone recently encourage me to take on a show. I asked him for advice looking to be talked out of it, and instead he talked me into it, and assured me that we'd get through it. Get through it we did, and there was a point I just resented it all. Looking back, I couldn't be more greatful to him. I'd be sitting here on my own time right now, thinking about the old days of theater instead of thinking, "Well, i handled it. When's the next audition?" He proved to me that I can do more than I let myself decide and settle on. And I absolutely adore him for it.
That's part of the reason this kills me so much. I know I have a man like him in my corner... and to leave just feels like it's a slap in the face... But how can I give up something I've always wanted to do? And it's only for 365 days... I'd be back, with a vengeance, tearing up the DC theater circuit as I've wanted to, working on my children's theater programs and performing at night. Part of the reason I wanted to become a teacher in the first place (aside from weilding the power to influence minds) is the realization that it's the most flexible job ever. You can go anywhere in the world and get a job.
Sigh.
I keep alot bottled up. The whole purpose of getting a blog was so that I'd be able to write. I haven't written a stich since... well.... ever, my poetry site's been hacked and I've completely neglected it cause I didn't think anyone ever really used it. Turns out people do and knowing I'm letting them down just depresses me more instead of making me do something about it.
And all the while, here's this beautiful man in my corner, cheering me on, telling me to get back in the ring and fight it out. And I love him. And I don't want to let him go.
I'm torn, and I'm stuck, and I don't know what to do.
b
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
hit 'em where it hurts
but it hurts everywhere.
i'm depressed. nothing works.
everything's going wrong.
and i'm walking such a fine rope as i try to maintain what dignity i have left instead of relying on bus, since he's got enough worry in life. I mean... I feel like I'm growing dependent on him, and that's the absolute last thing i want to do. i think my original *in* dependence is one of my traits that drew him to me, and since that day i've just grown more and more dependent on him to be there for me.
that's horrible. who wants that?
who wants that?
everything just adds in to my slide. and the drugs i'm on won't let me have a clear head. i can't think straight. it's awful.
b
i'm depressed. nothing works.
everything's going wrong.
and i'm walking such a fine rope as i try to maintain what dignity i have left instead of relying on bus, since he's got enough worry in life. I mean... I feel like I'm growing dependent on him, and that's the absolute last thing i want to do. i think my original *in* dependence is one of my traits that drew him to me, and since that day i've just grown more and more dependent on him to be there for me.
that's horrible. who wants that?
who wants that?
everything just adds in to my slide. and the drugs i'm on won't let me have a clear head. i can't think straight. it's awful.
b
Saturday, October 13, 2007
judgement
Hrm. This is an essay topic. What is judgement? Is it bad? Is it good? Can it be healthy?
Is advice judgement? Are observations? Opinions?
I believe it's possible to offer advice and not judge. I believe it's possible to have an opinion and not judge. I believe that judgement comes in to play once you qualify a trait as "good" or "bad." That is to say, "he's not a good person." That's a judgement. Or, to believe that someone deserves something based on a previous action. Such as, "she deserves to die."
These are judgements.
It's weird when you give your advice or make an observation and suddenly people feel you're judging them. Not so. I love all of my friends. Even the the ones I don't talk to anymore. For those, I had to make a choice: my sanity, or our friendship. Sometimes, I chose the friendship, and my sanity disintegrated until I changed my decision. Doesn't mean I think the other party is a bad person. My old best friend, even. I don't speak to him for one reason alone: I can't trust him. It's really that simple. I will never again put myself into a position that may require him to have my back because I don't trust that he will. He's still a good person. I've even invited him out a few times to group activities, as he's invited me. But I just don't trust to have him around me. That's all.
In other news, I've been getting hints that a friend of mine feels I've judged him or her. Frankly, I'm confused by that, but slightly tickled by the irony that throughout their rantings and apparent disapproval of being judged, this person seemingly has no problem judging others.
I was speaking with Bus recently, and asked for his insight into a situation a friend of mine was in. He mentioned two gems I think are worth noting:
Gem 1: Just because a person is the most wonderful person in the world doesn't make him or her good relationship material. You could be a great person and not know how to handle an interpersonal relationship.
Gem 2: People try to defend their relationships when they hit rough patches by saying, "no one ever notices the good times, no one ever hears about the good times, everyone only hears the bad times" or some such variant. That is, when people defend their relationship or significant other by suggesting that the outside world has some skewed image of their honey, because they're only aware of the bad times since that's when people normally go to friends for advice. This is a situation that happens often, which is why a friend of mine couldn't stand Bus for a while, since coincidentally, whenever he called, there'd just been some "crisis" or misunderstanding and I was a ball of frustration. So he got the impression that Bus wasn't good enough for me, and he started voicing that opinion. Thing is, he was voicing it not in the constructive "you're too good for him, find someone else" way, but in the "I'm better for you than he is" kind of way, which never works on me.
I digress.
The Gem 2 that Bus was making is that relationships aren't defined by the good times. Rather, they're defined by the rough patches. How the individuals and the couple as a whole come together to work past their differences or personality, age, culture and religion (where applicable) and place the relationship first.
So don't hide behind the good stuff.
On a related, but different note, for crying out loud, don't read clips of stuff, especially when presented in the third person. Read the whole thing. Then make decisions and form opinions.
i think that's all for now.
people are weirding me out.
Is advice judgement? Are observations? Opinions?
I believe it's possible to offer advice and not judge. I believe it's possible to have an opinion and not judge. I believe that judgement comes in to play once you qualify a trait as "good" or "bad." That is to say, "he's not a good person." That's a judgement. Or, to believe that someone deserves something based on a previous action. Such as, "she deserves to die."
These are judgements.
It's weird when you give your advice or make an observation and suddenly people feel you're judging them. Not so. I love all of my friends. Even the the ones I don't talk to anymore. For those, I had to make a choice: my sanity, or our friendship. Sometimes, I chose the friendship, and my sanity disintegrated until I changed my decision. Doesn't mean I think the other party is a bad person. My old best friend, even. I don't speak to him for one reason alone: I can't trust him. It's really that simple. I will never again put myself into a position that may require him to have my back because I don't trust that he will. He's still a good person. I've even invited him out a few times to group activities, as he's invited me. But I just don't trust to have him around me. That's all.
In other news, I've been getting hints that a friend of mine feels I've judged him or her. Frankly, I'm confused by that, but slightly tickled by the irony that throughout their rantings and apparent disapproval of being judged, this person seemingly has no problem judging others.
I was speaking with Bus recently, and asked for his insight into a situation a friend of mine was in. He mentioned two gems I think are worth noting:
Gem 1: Just because a person is the most wonderful person in the world doesn't make him or her good relationship material. You could be a great person and not know how to handle an interpersonal relationship.
Gem 2: People try to defend their relationships when they hit rough patches by saying, "no one ever notices the good times, no one ever hears about the good times, everyone only hears the bad times" or some such variant. That is, when people defend their relationship or significant other by suggesting that the outside world has some skewed image of their honey, because they're only aware of the bad times since that's when people normally go to friends for advice. This is a situation that happens often, which is why a friend of mine couldn't stand Bus for a while, since coincidentally, whenever he called, there'd just been some "crisis" or misunderstanding and I was a ball of frustration. So he got the impression that Bus wasn't good enough for me, and he started voicing that opinion. Thing is, he was voicing it not in the constructive "you're too good for him, find someone else" way, but in the "I'm better for you than he is" kind of way, which never works on me.
I digress.
The Gem 2 that Bus was making is that relationships aren't defined by the good times. Rather, they're defined by the rough patches. How the individuals and the couple as a whole come together to work past their differences or personality, age, culture and religion (where applicable) and place the relationship first.
So don't hide behind the good stuff.
On a related, but different note, for crying out loud, don't read clips of stuff, especially when presented in the third person. Read the whole thing. Then make decisions and form opinions.
i think that's all for now.
people are weirding me out.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
The deepest sigh
How do you tell someone that they're beautiful?
I have a friend who has a self-fulfilling prophecy that she's worthless. I say I *have* a friend, because she thinks our friendship is over, and I refuse to believe that. My acceptance would make things easy, and I'm not about easy in these situations. It's self-fulfilling because instead of looking towards herself and working to believe that she's fabulous, she seems to truly believe deep down that she's worthless, and instead looked to myself & others to pull her out of it. Well, I failed her, and now she's gone back to believing her perspective, instead of accepting that she truly IS fabulous.
How do you convince someone that they deserve love when they don't believe you? When they don't want to believe you? When they choose not to believe you?
The story begins when she confided something in me that just simply shocked me. I had no idea that she could be so (for lack of a better word:) spiteful, and frankly, it scared me. There were several avenues she could have chosen, and the one she did just shocked me. I was really unprepared for that. So I, in shock, reacted poorly. Very poorly, in fact. In truth, I'm not proud of my behaviour at all. I distanced myself from her, when perhaps I should have been drawing her more tightly. Had I understood and recognized her behaviour as a lash out in the name of being wanted and desired, I would have approached it completely differently. I would have drawn her as tightly as I could in the cyber realm to myself, and would not have let go. I would have made her understand her choice.
You see, my friend doesn't believe she deserves anything. Not love, not friendship, not anything. She believes she's low. Which is ironic, in a way, because I believe that at the same time she has a negative emotional connection, she has a "positive" physical connection. I put the physical in quotes because it's not really positive. You see, something happened that involved a negative emotional response, and to counter it, she responded physically in a different arena.
Here's where I worry.
How do you tell someone that you don't understand why they choose to hurt themselves when they don't have to? So she's ended our friendship, which I don't accept, because I think it's easier to walk away from someone who loves you when you're hurt, than to face the music and battle it out. I'm also fighting for this because she's one of the true friends I had who called me on my fears even though the situation was a little bit different (my fears came before my current bf & I were together, hers seemed to stem after and during her relationship).
How do you tell someone who chooses to be alone that they don't have to be? I'm still here for her, I never stopped being there for her, even though she seems (attempting not to speak for her) to think it is I that ended the friendship. I didn't. I reacted poorly, and I've since apologized for it and asked forgiveness, but neither seem to come. My main mistake was projecting my relationship with my mother onto her at the very moment she told me her news. My mother and I have a rocky relationship when it comes to debates and argueing. They leave me in tears, my nerves are shot in the end and I can't function properly for a day or two. So I've learned to bite my tounge sometimes, to avoid the two-day recovery period altogether. My friend, however, is not my mother. My friend craved the brutal honesty. Had I not been in shock, I'd have been able to tell my friend bluntly, that it was her choice to act out. That my job is not to judge her, but to help her through her issues as best as I can. But this issue (at the time) seemed beyond my skills. She accused me of believing certain derogatory things about her which were and still are simply untrue. How could I tell her that these words were not coming from my conscious OR sub-conscious mind, but that if she felt their heat that perhaps she should listen to her own conscience? How does one realize that sometimes judgements aren't external, but internal, and if you perceive yourself a certain way, maybe you should step back to see where the self-perception stems from? What place in the arguement would she have heard the love in that statement?
Anyways, this projection of my mother led me to withhold my tongue for fear of an arguement which would result in the end of our friendship, which in fact, *backfired* miserably and led to the many tears and two-day nerve shutdown and apparent one-sided dissolving of our friendship anyway. Self fulfilling prophecy indeed.
In the end, the one judgement, I suppose, that I did make is that my friend victimizes herself. In many situations, it was justified, but as with my mother (who also does the same thing, and myself, who was learning to do it until I had someone snap me out of it) the habit had developed into a trait of sorts. There was a person who loved her, and when he made a mistake, the primary response was "how could he do this to me?" When he made a choice, the response was along the lines of, "how dare he reject me?" These primary choices to choose pain even came to me, "how could you think that about me?" When in fact, I hadn't thought anything one way or the other, I was merely shocked by the action itself, and hadn't had the time to fully digest it, or it's meaning. Like I already said, my reaction was poor and regrettable, but it was a choice nonetheless and I have to own it.
As far as choices go, "choice" itself is a strong word. When a person starts using it, he or she begins to take ownership of their actions. When a person takes ownership of their actions, they begin to sort out the behaviours they like and don't like, and can better change towards the person they may like to be. The things I type aren't just bs; I've had to do them myself. I had to go from "I don't deserve better" to "I dated down because I knew that the men would appreciate me, and I had a strong need to be loved- or what I thought was love." Since accepting the choices I've made in my life, much of the drama I used to swim in has been cut out, and I'm in a reasonably functional relationship which earned the label of "power couple." This label did not come without a fight, though. Both of us fought hard for this relationship; both with each other, and within our own selves. I've had to fight off my cut and run instincts, and he had to battle his own demons. Yet, we persevered, stronger for it. I wish my friend could experience this as well.
I'm just sad that an otherwise wonderful relationship dies because of this. She seems to think I think ill of her, but my attitude towards her hasn't changed at all.
How do you convince the person who is convinced you hate, despise, or are embarrassed of them that they're wrong and you don't at all?
I've been saying a healing prayer for her since the incident. I'm scared that she may choose to push myself and others away in order to give herself an excuse to lash out and place herself in more situations that allow her self prophecy to manifest itself and feed her cycle. I love her to death, and it freaks me out. But baby steps. Maybe I'm way off base about her. Maybe she's not going to self-destruct. Maybe she's going to find her inner Queen and accept nothing less than honor and decency. Maybe she's going to find a man who loves her, thinks the world of her, and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Maybe she'll be strong enough to face her demons and share them with him so that they can work on them together. Maybe they'll be the next power couple.
Here's to them.
I have a friend who has a self-fulfilling prophecy that she's worthless. I say I *have* a friend, because she thinks our friendship is over, and I refuse to believe that. My acceptance would make things easy, and I'm not about easy in these situations. It's self-fulfilling because instead of looking towards herself and working to believe that she's fabulous, she seems to truly believe deep down that she's worthless, and instead looked to myself & others to pull her out of it. Well, I failed her, and now she's gone back to believing her perspective, instead of accepting that she truly IS fabulous.
How do you convince someone that they deserve love when they don't believe you? When they don't want to believe you? When they choose not to believe you?
The story begins when she confided something in me that just simply shocked me. I had no idea that she could be so (for lack of a better word:) spiteful, and frankly, it scared me. There were several avenues she could have chosen, and the one she did just shocked me. I was really unprepared for that. So I, in shock, reacted poorly. Very poorly, in fact. In truth, I'm not proud of my behaviour at all. I distanced myself from her, when perhaps I should have been drawing her more tightly. Had I understood and recognized her behaviour as a lash out in the name of being wanted and desired, I would have approached it completely differently. I would have drawn her as tightly as I could in the cyber realm to myself, and would not have let go. I would have made her understand her choice.
You see, my friend doesn't believe she deserves anything. Not love, not friendship, not anything. She believes she's low. Which is ironic, in a way, because I believe that at the same time she has a negative emotional connection, she has a "positive" physical connection. I put the physical in quotes because it's not really positive. You see, something happened that involved a negative emotional response, and to counter it, she responded physically in a different arena.
Here's where I worry.
How do you tell someone that you don't understand why they choose to hurt themselves when they don't have to? So she's ended our friendship, which I don't accept, because I think it's easier to walk away from someone who loves you when you're hurt, than to face the music and battle it out. I'm also fighting for this because she's one of the true friends I had who called me on my fears even though the situation was a little bit different (my fears came before my current bf & I were together, hers seemed to stem after and during her relationship).
How do you tell someone who chooses to be alone that they don't have to be? I'm still here for her, I never stopped being there for her, even though she seems (attempting not to speak for her) to think it is I that ended the friendship. I didn't. I reacted poorly, and I've since apologized for it and asked forgiveness, but neither seem to come. My main mistake was projecting my relationship with my mother onto her at the very moment she told me her news. My mother and I have a rocky relationship when it comes to debates and argueing. They leave me in tears, my nerves are shot in the end and I can't function properly for a day or two. So I've learned to bite my tounge sometimes, to avoid the two-day recovery period altogether. My friend, however, is not my mother. My friend craved the brutal honesty. Had I not been in shock, I'd have been able to tell my friend bluntly, that it was her choice to act out. That my job is not to judge her, but to help her through her issues as best as I can. But this issue (at the time) seemed beyond my skills. She accused me of believing certain derogatory things about her which were and still are simply untrue. How could I tell her that these words were not coming from my conscious OR sub-conscious mind, but that if she felt their heat that perhaps she should listen to her own conscience? How does one realize that sometimes judgements aren't external, but internal, and if you perceive yourself a certain way, maybe you should step back to see where the self-perception stems from? What place in the arguement would she have heard the love in that statement?
Anyways, this projection of my mother led me to withhold my tongue for fear of an arguement which would result in the end of our friendship, which in fact, *backfired* miserably and led to the many tears and two-day nerve shutdown and apparent one-sided dissolving of our friendship anyway. Self fulfilling prophecy indeed.
In the end, the one judgement, I suppose, that I did make is that my friend victimizes herself. In many situations, it was justified, but as with my mother (who also does the same thing, and myself, who was learning to do it until I had someone snap me out of it) the habit had developed into a trait of sorts. There was a person who loved her, and when he made a mistake, the primary response was "how could he do this to me?" When he made a choice, the response was along the lines of, "how dare he reject me?" These primary choices to choose pain even came to me, "how could you think that about me?" When in fact, I hadn't thought anything one way or the other, I was merely shocked by the action itself, and hadn't had the time to fully digest it, or it's meaning. Like I already said, my reaction was poor and regrettable, but it was a choice nonetheless and I have to own it.
As far as choices go, "choice" itself is a strong word. When a person starts using it, he or she begins to take ownership of their actions. When a person takes ownership of their actions, they begin to sort out the behaviours they like and don't like, and can better change towards the person they may like to be. The things I type aren't just bs; I've had to do them myself. I had to go from "I don't deserve better" to "I dated down because I knew that the men would appreciate me, and I had a strong need to be loved- or what I thought was love." Since accepting the choices I've made in my life, much of the drama I used to swim in has been cut out, and I'm in a reasonably functional relationship which earned the label of "power couple." This label did not come without a fight, though. Both of us fought hard for this relationship; both with each other, and within our own selves. I've had to fight off my cut and run instincts, and he had to battle his own demons. Yet, we persevered, stronger for it. I wish my friend could experience this as well.
I'm just sad that an otherwise wonderful relationship dies because of this. She seems to think I think ill of her, but my attitude towards her hasn't changed at all.
How do you convince the person who is convinced you hate, despise, or are embarrassed of them that they're wrong and you don't at all?
I've been saying a healing prayer for her since the incident. I'm scared that she may choose to push myself and others away in order to give herself an excuse to lash out and place herself in more situations that allow her self prophecy to manifest itself and feed her cycle. I love her to death, and it freaks me out. But baby steps. Maybe I'm way off base about her. Maybe she's not going to self-destruct. Maybe she's going to find her inner Queen and accept nothing less than honor and decency. Maybe she's going to find a man who loves her, thinks the world of her, and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Maybe she'll be strong enough to face her demons and share them with him so that they can work on them together. Maybe they'll be the next power couple.
Here's to them.
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