bad habits die hard

i have a bad habit, where i compare behaviors exhibited by current sqeezes, boyfriends, potential boyfriends, whoever, to exes.

Thing is, I'm ususally right.

Therefore, it's a horrible, depressing shock that the bear, the potential, is exactly like the first love of my life.

the way everything happened. exactly the same.

it's put me in such a bad mood. and you might ask, why is that bad? isn't that supposed to be great? And I'd respond, you're right, it's supposed to be great, only it's not. it's awful beacause i have no idea where his head is at. And what kind of crap idea is it to fall for a man you dont realy know, yet feel like you've known all your life?

wtf.

besides, it's all wrong. everything is wrong about it. and the only thing that's succeeded in happening is more pain for b.

he's all wrong for me and i love him.

i said it. there. I keep praying to God to help me forget him, and it's not working. I've been praying for forgiveness, and I just want my life back the way it was.

Nothing works. it's like he came in and just screwed everything up.

In other news, my reputation at work was successfully DESTROYED today. Officially. She's out to get me, and she's got me good.

bw

Revelations

You know,

my blog is really depressing.

bw

everyone who says that they're a friend

lies.

he still makes me cry

Fuck.
bw

Male Candy and What Kind of Whipped Are You?

There's a teacher at the school who refers to candy as female and male.
Male candy contains nuts.

There was a discussion yesterday about certain... shall we say... relations... regarding men and women. That inspired another teacher (the quorum was made of females) to speak up regarding the two types of "whipped" that exist in women:

Women who Pussy Whip
and Women who have been Dick Whipped.

She urged us all to Pussy Whip our men. In doing so, you never have to worry about him stepping out on you. She noted that women who have issues and drama, it is usually because they've been Dick Whipped, and are worried because they don't know where they stand.

Now, I've imparted this wisdom upon you. Take it and do with it what you like.

bw

daddys like me

Yesterday one of the kids dads gave me his number.
The tally of men who have asked me out who have children now stands at three.
The tally of men who have asked me out who do not have children stands at one.

I don't mind, oddly enough. Less pregnant I have to be =).

Seeing a man with children offers it's own set of drama. Exes, ex spouses, ex girlfriends, past women with current ties.

Sigh.

One parent just won't work. He's gorgeous, but... I see his kid every day so that's out, plus I'd have to see the exwife at some point, and there's too much family drama there without me sticking myself in the middle of it. One parent... He's gorgeous, but I see him every day. His kids like me, which is good, but heartbreaking. The whole thing is heartbreaking. The third one... I think he has the right idea. I haven't met his kid, and I probably won't until and unless it gets serious. On the flipside, I kind of like how the second one has introduced his kids, cause we're all friends, and it gives him an opportunity to gauge their reaction and acceptance or rejection of me.

The problem is, I love his kids. One of them is a little too smart for her own good, and she's wise to the fact that her dad likes me. She's hilarious though, in a "what she doesn't say speaks louder that what she does" sort of way.

He likes me. And I think I might like him right on back.

Aurgh!

bw

pruning hurts

today the corgi said that i was like a little butterfly, still in my cocoon, growing wings. it was really cute when he said it, with a touch of the poetic.

I have a kind of not really date in two mondays. Park Police Man is back, and I think he asked me out... but I'm not sure. Basically it's my turn to see his house. So we caught up some, and we reminisced some, and I asked him why he dropped off the face of the planet and he said because he'd gotten the "dont talk to my woman" look from my bf at the time. Which kind of begs the question, "then why did you call... did you hear we weren't together anymore?" but I didn't ask. I'll ask when I see him. He must've heard cause he didn't seem surprised when I told him, beyond a generic "man I thought ya'll were forever..." which is the same thing I'm used to hearing which is fine cause the more I heard it the easier it got. Anyways, I'm seeing him soon.

Which will be nice.

In other news, I'm being punished for making the bear happy. I'm not taking it that seriously, but it still hurt. I've since gotten over it though. Speaking of the bear, who knows if he's free? He doesn't. Further, he's missing the birthday and is skipping out on the next two fridays. But that's somehow okay because I'm such a forgiver.

=(

Here's the thing. I don't want to jump from one relationship to another. In fact, I'm resisting it with every fiber of my being, and I think that's why I'm pursuing this non-date date with PPM in the coming monday. But I'm SO DAMN LOYAL that it's really hard to look at anyone else, even though I'm completely single and need to be seeing PEOPLE right now, and NOT playing house with anyone. So I'm glad that PPM spoke up when he did, cause he's safe, and we can just... hang out instead of it being a date date. In fact, considering how PPM's get-together goes, I might take the other guy up on his offer, considering I owe him a lunch and all.

I need to learn how to "see other people." Dating does not mean exclusive. I need to learn this. I just always feel like I'm betraying someone. But I'm learning.

Like the corgi said, I'm in my cocoon, about to become a butterfly. He asked me, "what do YOU want?" and it totally caught me off guard, because I had not considered my voice before. I don't want to go from one relationship into another. I know that. I know that the more we hang out, the more it feels like that, and I know that people have a way of making a couple where the couple hasn't agreed to be one... then it only takes one person to buy into that and then it gets awkward. Do I like him? Yes. Could I be in a relationship with him? Yes. Do I want to right this second? No. Do I think it's wise to get in one with him right this second? NO. Do I think I should be in a relationship with ANYONE right this second? No.

All I know is that if I had my way, I'd be with the bear. Situation and all. I'd be in his arms, being fed grapes with a flat ginger ale by my side. But I can't have what I want. And this is kind of one of those "test of time" things, where who knows what would happen if one of us left for an extended period of time. Would we get over it? Would the withdrawal still hurt as much? It *hurts* when he's not around. As in physical pain. I wonder how he is, where he is, what our plans are and how we can make things work. Then I think, all that's dumb. It can't work.

This will only end in my tears.

Again.

I'm tired of heartache.

bw

I'm too scared.

That's why.
I'm too scared, and I like living in denial.
It's really not a bad place to live.
It's cheery here.

b

trapping

i did a little experiment.
question: what happens if i move out?
hypothesis: mom will be able to survive somewhat, and my responsibilities will be lessened.
materials: money
procedure: dont pay my share for one paycheck.
results: all of her checks bounced.
conclusion: I can never leave.

bw

mika says it all for me.

and they were green

We watched part of Stomp The Yard, and I squealed for Brian J. White.
We discussed the difference between gym cut and muscle protein builder cut.
We discussed the perfection that is Megan Good's physique, and I was informed that my rear mirrors hers.
I applauded having a movie star's ass.

Then I was fed grapes.
And they were green.

Sigh.

what am i doing

i think
for me
this
is soon to be
rock bottom.

i hate my name

i hate my name.
everyone keeps calling it.
i need everyone to leave me alone.


seclusion
reclusion

i just need less...
responsibility

something
anything

it's easier to run

someone stop this ride
I wanna get off.

when you don't know what to say

recently a friend of mine confided something to me, and i realised i'm a really awful friend to her.

she had a nightmare, a flashback, and... my first reaction is to hold her. i can't because this revelation took place online.

so i stared at the words, and prayed. Thing is...
She's not me... I can't...

There aren't words to describe how conflicting a person feels when they know what you're going through because they've been there, and they're powerless to help you. I can stand there and say stuff, but the words don't take it away. Words dont rewind time, dont undo actions, dont take pain away.

b

i wish

I wish I was Ritah.
I know you're not supposed to wish you were other people, because everyone has their own tests, and I might not be able to handle hers, but damn. Her life seems so much more uncomplicated than mine.

She's so confident, that she can shrug off rejection (in her case, it came from a man who turned out to be slightly touched in the head) and find someone new just like that *snap.*

I'm not that way. I wish I were, because this sucks.

b

danger, will robinson

I'm not strong enough to be with you.
If I was, I wouldn't have sacrificed so much of my self to be with you, or compromised so much of who I am, and who I want to be.

I've put myself in this position, because I'm not strong enough to say no to you.

In a way, Rikki's right.

damnit.

b

balls to the wall

Everyone's telling me I'm doing the right thing.
The corgi, worrell, cc, ritah, boyd, beatty...
and I expected rikki to as well.

She didn't.

She made me reflect that maybe i'm not in the best place for me to be. That in staying here, I'm not staying true to myself.

Why is this so complicated?

b

look but don't touch

We stand
looking at each other
In another time and space
We'd be in each other's arms
Lover's embrace
Cheek to Cheek
1940s Hollywood style
You'd whisper
"darling"
I'd whisper
"dearest I'm yours"
and the screen would go black
and everyone would know what happened
and no one would dare speak it aloud.

It's not 1940
and we remain
standing
with decades of unspoken sweet nothings
splashing in drops on the cold pavement between us
In a moment
we might touch
and that moment
would change everything

and so we remain
standing.

breaking up is hard to do

There was a man.
For a while, it was great.
Then something changed. I think he stopped being himself. Upon reflection, during our mammoth two-week breakup conversations, he mentioned something that I've since realised (potentially) meant that he was overanalyzing things that I've said. Maybe, to a small extent, he was trying to conform to what I wanted, or rather, what he thought I wanted.

He couldn't have been happy.

Thing is, *I* was happiest when *he* was happy. Maybe he was never happy, who knows. Maybe he just felt sorry for me. Who knows. I surely don't. Anything is better than this anti-explanation I got. When he was himself, it was all about the little things he did. In fact, it was always about the little things he did. He didn't have to tell me he loved me, I saw it and felt it in the way he was always, ALWAYS there for me.

Maybe he just had a greater sense of duty and it wasn't love at all.

I can't wrap my head around it, all I know is that it still hurts. When people ask, and I tell them, they say that he was cheating, or wanted someone else. I tell them not to say that because I choose to believe that he would never do anything like that. But then I think, if that's true, then my time with him was spent for whatever growth we both had to do and I hope he's with the woman who can make him happy in ways I apparently never can.

It's still sad, and it still hurts. It hurts having a man tell you that you're not enough, and that he couldn't feel your love. I'm not sure I'll get over that... not in a week anyway.

He said once, "do you want to hit me?" and he in effect gave me permission, and how do you tell the person "why would you think I'd want to hit you when all I want to do is go back to three days ago and kiss you and hold you and be held?"

How can I hit you? How can you suggest that?

So in the end, that's my mystery, my karma, to never know what I did to make him leave. And here I was, thinking, finally, someone to break it.

But instead, somehow, I did something to break *it*.

So he's gone, and there's supposed to be some long line of suitors, but I don't see one. What there is, is a man who is going through basically the same heartache I am (albeit on a MUCH grander scale) who I can confide in, and who gives me attention, effectively bringing me out of this funk when he's around.

I guess I'm working out my tantrums now, I've already been vicious on my blog, when I really had no right being that way, I suppose.

I just miss my friend, even at the friend level (which I'm completely not prepared for yet)... I just miss him. I miss my sounding board of logic. I miss the man who protected me verbally. Who said "you're the kind of girl that if people don't like, there's something wrong with THEM," who gave me two beautiful bouquets... One when I was in the hospital, and the other, my second favourite, when I made the comment that it'd been a while since I'd received flowers, and by the time I saw him, he'd pulled off some tree blossoms & fashioned them into a makeshift bouquet... rather, I think the correct term would be nosegay.

I loved it. Still do. And that singular gesture was so romantic... Which is why it stung when he said romance was fake, and a way to game up women.

Fast forward to the breakup, when I make the (ill-fated) comment that through all the talking, I'm not getting the impression he's trying to win me back.

The next day, I have roses at work.

I don't like roses. They're pedestrian. And they're not him. They're not me, and they're not him. They were a shut-up gesture. And it backfired on his part, because it was more of a slap to the face, to receive flowers in such creative fashion, when he was happy (if ever) or at least when I didn't stress him out so much... to the gesture of "here. This is typical. I'm sorry."

Anyways, I hope he doesn't read this, because the range when I write about him is so varied... One day I'm mega-strong, the other I'm pensive and refliecting. I hope he doesn't take any thing I write here personally if he does (which I hope he doesn't... I can't bring myself to read his, because I'm not over him yet... if he reads mine it's almost as if he can because he's over me... which is fine, to each his own, and who knows maybe he already has moved on with a new someone special. I wish I was that lucky) because I'm still working through my pain.
It's not personal, it's just painful, and since this is where I let stuff out, there you have it.

He's a wonderful person. I wish I could have been more of what he needed.

I'm not.

b

Feeling alone

I feel awful about the post I made about my ex. I wasn't in a particularly good mood when I wrote it, but there it is.

He's a good person, and we were good friends, but I don't know what happened.
There are days I reflect (I know I shouldn't) and I get caught up in the rejection and it hurts. It hurts to know that someone you loved told you your love was not only not enough, but that they didn't feel it was genuine.

How can you tell a person that has done nothing else but put you first that you think they don't care about you at all?

I've said that had he just said "I want to be single" and left it at that, my feelings would have been completely different. I'd have accepted that, as I did. Because being in a relationship is completely different from being single, or even from having friends with benefits. There are different norms and pathways and acceptable behaviours involved that didn't have to be considered before. Certain freedoms that must be compromised or sacrificed. Not everyone wants to make that sacrifice. So had he left it at "I think I want to be single," I'd have been able to rationalise that and be fine.

In fact, I was fine. I was sad, and a little hurt, but by the time I saw him again that evening, I was fine.

And then we tried to work it out.

Two weeks of limbo, and then the gem where he looks at me and says he felt that I didn't really care about him. Of all the things he could have said to me, that is the most insulting. The second most insulting is the "you have so many people waiting to take my place. You'll be fine."

That's crock. How can you tell someone who has loved you that you're easy to replace? And that they'll have no trouble replacing you? That's offensive, not only to the person whose love you've just insulted, but also to the relationship itself. And I get that you're trying to soften the blow or whatever, but golly.

Through everything, the part that has been a recurring slap in my face has been the comment that he felt I didn't really care about him. When I told my mom that, she was like, "so you took him to get an eye exam, and to get a massage and bought him all that stuff because you don't care about him?"

That's how I feel. I made you my world, and you say I don't care.

It hurts.

And there are moments when I stop and reflect on it, and the hurt comes back, and I feel alone. Maybe I'm not over it yet. That comment has wounded me deeper than I expected it to.

I never want to hear the words "you dont care about me" from anyone. Ever. Again.

b

he broke down

and let me into his inner circle.
not completely
but just enough to know that dude is going through some stuff.
serious stuff.
and i can only pray that i can give him the support he needs.

that's really all i can do for anyone.
try to support.

b

because paris spits truth

The following is taken from Paris' blog without editing.
b

--

Fiera.
Whenever she leaves I cry.
I don't love her, but whenever she leaves I cry. She always has the same routine, wakes up, wraps a sheet around her naked body, goes to the shower, comes back in, opens the curtains, kisses me, gets dressed and leaves.
She knows I cry, and I know she doesn't like it, but how can I not cry when beauty leaves the room with the door wide open?
I see her often enough that I haven't even got time to miss her, but I...
I don't know why I cry.

We talk about everything. I tell her when I lose my battle and start starving myself again, she tells me when she loses her battle and eats everything in the fridge. She laughs, and I laugh, but in my mind I'm saying, I wish that was my problem 'cause then I wouldn't be this hungry. And she reads and, my mind, and she says "I know you want to eat. I know it. I know it, Paris." And it tears me apart.
I want to. I just can't.

She reads me. She reads all inside of me. She knows what I want and what I need. I need food, but I want her.

She's like me. No falling in love. No commitment. No getting hurt another round. No tears on expensive pillowcases. No love letters that no one will ever read. No sobbing. No getting fat from eating pints and pints of ice-cream and drinking pints and pints of rum. Love always ends, and ended love is always gruesome.

When I think of how Tah can do it again after being torn so badly, walk up to love again and say "Give me what you've got. I'll take it.", I want to hold her in advance to soften the blow. But then I see what he is to her, how he loves her, how it's nothing like that scum of the earth she dated before, nothing like the guy before that, he's new and wonderful. When I see how she's happy, it makes me want to be happy too. But still I'm scared for her, how she can wake up damaged, crying to me in tears I can't ever bear to see again and be ready for love in no time. I tell her she should wait and she says wait for what? And I say wait for it to be out of your system, have your head clear. I tell her I could never love again after what she's been through. Being beaten within an inch of life, being raped, being deceived, but she still trusts it. And when she tells me Paris you're scared and that's okay but eventually you have to give love another chance, when she tells me Paris you have so much to give and you shouldn't be selfish and keep it to yourself, I giggle and smile but I know she's right. I've worked so hard to make myself a better person, I should be with someone. And when Fiera leaves I cry. I should be with Fiera.

I can't bear to be hurt again but I can't bear this feeling. Always wanting to touch her or hold her or kiss her or tell her she's the best thing that's ever been in my bed. I can't bear wanting to lay with her and rub my fingers against her cheek, map her body and know every spot. I want to lie with her, even if I don't get to lay with her. I want to love her until she feels it behind her eyes. I've never wanted to make someone happy so badly before. I love her, and it thrills me but it kills me.

Did I just say I love her?

Fucking hell.

Today

Had tea w the corgi and a right chat.
Found the bear, who needs alone time atm, which stings but is good cause I've a ton of work to do, and now I can do it w/o distractions. He's a wonderful distraction, and I'd not trade him for anything, but he's a distraction nonetheless and I've simply got to learn to bog myself down & be a big girl and not let him get to me when all I want in the world is to let him get to me.

Fuck.

In other news, I call this bit the "Ode to My Ex:"

::clears throat::

Ode to My Ex

You made me not trust men.
You told me that the only time they say sweet things is when they've got an agenda.
I learned that romance is fake, and a game, where women are played and are not players.

I've since learned that this is because you sought to destroy something beautiful so that I'd not crave a piece of it.

I hope you find the woman who makes you gush, blush and turns you to mush.
'Cause I've found the man.

He pays attention to the little things I say. He acts out on my wants and needs. He's a true romantic at heart. It's not because he has to, but because he wants to.

Now I'm the Queen; the Queen I've always been, and will continue to be, for my reign is not determined by the presence or lack of a King at my side. In his eyes and arms, I am Queen. He oozes the charm you never had, and uses it appropriately, has always opened my chariots and carriages without question, and is a man.

You once told me that you sought to be the man that women would compare their boyfriends to, "he's alright, but he's not like _______"

I smile now, fondly even, because *he* is who you can only wish to be.

I've found the man.

fini.


Now, thing is, can I keep him? Who knows? People come into your life for a reason a season blah blah blah... I owe my ex alot. I was telling the bear earlier in January... I actually owe my ex alot because he got me through a period of my life which I needed to go through. And then he left. So, in some respects, it's like that's what he was there for. And I wouldn't trade that for the world. We may have mixed some signals, and should have stayed friends, close friends, friends with benefits, what have you, but I wouldn't trade my time with him for anything cause I'd be completely different now if not for him and our experience. The bear said that was high praise, and I said he deserved it. He does. He deserves the credit for bringing me out of my funk and basically giving me the relationship therapy I needed to exorcise some rank daemons. I'm eternally greatful for that.

But I love this romance!

b

forgot to mention

I found the breaking cue.
It probably sucks now, cause it was in the garage, and that's no where near climate controlled, so I'm kinda miffed about that, but it's my breaking cue, so it's okay.

Kinda. Cause it still has to be able to give me a clean break.

Sigh.

b

we love boyd

He passed the Boyd test.
Boyd likes him, even though he hasn't met him yet. Boyd has to meet him. Not because Boyd has expressed this interest, but because I want him to meet Boyd.

But so far, he passed the Boyd test. Boyd wants whatever makes me happy.

WE LOVE BOYD!!

b

More for the fans:

one ring.
him: hello?
me: I just had to hear your voice.
him: I was just thinking about you.
me: really?
him: Yeah, I was sitting here rereading your text message that you sent earlier.

He's good to me. Last night we had an argument over who is better to whom. We're losers.

In other news, I can't find my breaking cue.
How pissed am I?

b, who is very pissed.

For the fans:

Last night I found out how involved I was going to be this weekend. There's a situation at the moment... call it a detour to happiness. Now, the bear knows what's going on. I told him as soon as I could muster the courage... which happened to be the day before I knew I'd see him, cause I wouldn't be able to look him in the face and I wanted him to know why.

Anyways.

So last night I'm informed that I'd be participating more than I expected, in the middle of a convo w/ the bear. And I had to run out on him, and I hated it. It ended up being a false alarm, but when I got home, I called him to see if he was okay, cause I hated the way I had to run out and leave things. And he kept saying, "I'm okay. Are YOU okay?" because he never lets me worry about him when he's trying to worry about me, and he says "I will be okay in this. Because I know where your head is. I know what you want, and I know that you don't want this. So I am not worried that we will be together. At least, I'm trying not to worry. We will be together."

And I realise that he has this security in the truth, he listened to me, and believes me and takes his comfort in the knowledge that all of this is temporary. I draw my strength from him.

Then there was the night where we asked each other how we make each other happy and he said, "the reason why I do what I do for you, why I touch you the way I do... is because I want you to feel a tiny bit of the happiness that you make me feel."

And there's this moment where I look into his eyes, to judge this on the bullshit meter, and he looks serious, and the only thing I can do, because he's wounded me by saying something so honest and sweet is push him away and say,

"oh, you're gooood. you're very good at the bs"
and he's like "it's not bs!"

it fucking better not be.

b

SCARY

Lay a little groundwork for love as the week gets started, and by the time Valentine's Day arrives, everything's coming up roses! What you need is a well-thought-out plan -- and since (let's admit it) planning isn't exactly your forte, get some help from your more practically minded friends. With your romantic instinct and their planning powers, well, you can be all set to take full advantage of the amazing energy the stars send your way for Thursday (and Friday, too -- lucky you!). Everybody loves you now -- but will you back up your way with words with some follow-through? Up to you.

he

He wont let me leave.
Not that I want to, but he won't let me leave.
b

taurus for the week.

Don't worry -- that pain in your heart is probably just one of Cupid's arrows, and it's a piercing that looks good on you! It's an awesome week for you in matters of the heart overall, with your sex appeal especially fiery on Tuesday and Wednesday. But, again, don't worry -- Thursday (and Friday too, plus through the weekend) brings energy that's just right for letting what's on your mind and in your heart be known. Hint: Just spill it, and let what happens next take care of itself, just for the moment. Live and love a little. No, make that a lot. You're amazing.

don't you dare forget it.

horoscopes

taurus:
Make sure you're not just being stubborn, but most likely you have a legit beef with whomever is trying to get you to hurry into a decision. If it's a love thing, slow way down.

gemini:
You're feeling pretty riled up over something, and you let your people know exactly what's going on. Find a good way to tell everyone without getting preachy. They don't want to hear pontification -- just feedback.


None of this helps me.

Love that Winehouse.

Wake Up Alone

It's okay in a day, I'm staying busy
Tied up enough so I don’t have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying
So just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180
I stay up, clean the house
At least I'm not drinking
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking
That silent sense of content
That everyone gets
Just disappears soon as the sun sets
His face in my dreams, seizing my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked to the soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone
Bothers my heart I'd rather be restless
The second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless
Got this ache in my chest
Cuz my day is done now
The dark covers me and I cannot run now
My blood running cold I stand before him
It's all I can do to assure him
When he comes to me I drip for him tonight
Drowning in me, we bathe under blue light
His face in my dreams, seizing my guts
He floods me with dread Soaked to the soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone

on paris' blog.

And that night, she spent the night over, and there we were, sharing a bed, and she asked if I'd enjoyed the dance. We both giggled, as we always did, and she leaned over and kissed me. I asked her, and I remember this, "Why do you kiss me?" and she said, "It's better than...not kissing you."

It's better than not kissing you.
Damn. This makes me believe in love.

yahoo gemini

Daily Singles:Opinions are made to be changed, so open yourself up to just that. Is it possible that your next-door neighbor has matured since junior high, for example, or that your awkward date was just nervous? Give second chances!

Don't cry... because if you cry, I'll cry...

He had tears in his eyes.
He choked them back, but they were there.
It's heartbreaking.
They had no intention of giving his son up.
They played him all along.

It's heartbreaking.
He's heartbreaking, and I just want to take him and hug him until he lets it all out and the sun will shine again.

He laughed when we realised that all of us are taking friday off... He had a naughty moment and for a brief second he smiled and laughed.

I want to fix this for him.
I did what I could, and I'm doing what I can, but I want to fix this for him.

It's heartbreaking.

b

the end.

Well, that's that.

You know, as much as I love being single, I hate being single.

b

yahoo taurus

Daily Singles:Take a moment to remind yourself that you never need to settle or compromise on the traits that are most important to you. It's a good day to meditate on your ideal mate -- you'll be one step closer to finding one.

now all I have to do is get him to use contractions properly.

This morning I wake up to this on my computer screen:

hope your sleep and don't get this until you wake up

GOOD MORNING BEAUTIFUL HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

the answer

the answer is:
it's too soon.
It's too soon and everyone seems to be rushing me. I'm not in a relationship. I don't want to *be* in a relationship at the moment. I don't want to go from one man's arms into another's I need this time to reflect and pause, and find myself again.

That said, I am willing to entertain the idea of enjoying a man's company. Wether it be at a movie, or over dinner, or lunch, having eaten out or in. But a relationship? No. Not ready for that. It'd be doomed to fail because it's too soon.

Too, too soon.

bw

just like that, i'm cured.

me: it's spelled "ritah"
Foster: I'll update my spellcheck
regardless, she's dead on
all your blogs are screaming "look how wonderful he is? tell me its ok to love him because i can't do it myself!"
me: yeah
that's pretty much it
i need to give myself permission
Foster: and given your historyand incapablity to do so
sabotaging relationships
this is all too familiar
you need a process
me: process like what
Foster: the therapy I was talking about
I can't tell how good its been for me
and its especially good at this kind of stuff
it works like this,(this will sound a little hippy-new-age but its really not)when you have a strong emotional experience (esp a painful one)
its easy to let the feelings get 'stuck' inside you
they dont' pass through
and the memory festers
and causes all kinds of problems
processing uses visualization skills to unlock the memory and let the emotions flow out
if I had to guess, I would say that Brent hurt you so badly that the memory is eating you away, and affecting how you deal with relationshps to this day
processing would fix that
in one session

the president

so i sent the president a text and asked him for a favor.
immediately i get a text back, "anything!"
then, since i'm driving & can't respond the way I want to or as fast as he'd hope to apparently, I get another text, "what ya need, cutie?"

then I finally get to tell him the deal, and he's disappointed.
He was hoping I was stranded so he could come get me.

In a sadistic way, isn't that really sweet though?
Then he said it again, "so you dont need me to come get you?"

It's so sweet!

b

he

He called to say he made it to his destination.
He didn't have to call.
He stopped by before he left, to get a hug, and then called to say he made it safetly. I thought, "maybe, he might send me a text."

He didn't.

He called. and said that he made it in. I told him he didn't have to, and he said that he wanted to put a smile on my face and he knew calling would do that. then he said, "i did good" and I told him to cut that out because he needs to stop patting himself on the back so much.
"maybe if you stopped patting yourself on the back, I might be able to."
"are you going to start [patting me on the back]?"
"no."

we laugh.

We do that alot. Laugh. It feels good.
b

okay, okay. and she didn't have to throw soda at me.

me: he hand picked them in the florist shop
and had three drafts at the card
Ritah: awww
me: i know, ritah i'm just scared
Ritah: this is harsh
but if you're scared
it won't work.trepidation is healthy, but being chicken won't work
so cut that shit out cause im team bear and team bear is trying really hard to win so dont be the shitty ref that is making lame calls for penalties that don't exist
he likes you.and he's going about it the right way
he's not being a stalker, he's wooing you. he's such a sweetheart. let's trade
me: you're the second person to say that he's wooing me
Ritah: theres a formal word
but i dont want to use it cause it sounds more serious than it is
courting
yeah
so
yay
be happy!
this one dude gave my friend a PICTURE of her favourite flowers

Stargazer

This morning, at approximately 10 am, a man walks in to my job with a beautiful bouquet of Stargazer Lillies and a teddy bear.

"Wallace!" he says.

"Huh?" I ask, thoroughly confused.

They're for me.

What the???

They're beautiful. And of course everyone wanted to know who they were from, so I got all sorts of comments like "ooh, keep this one" (meaning whoever sent them) and "ooh, a secret admirer!" and "whoever he is, is he handsome?"

I have a not-so-secret admirer.
He makes me blush.
The bouquet makes me cheese like crazy. I love stargazer lillies... He paid attention... He listens to the little things I say and acts on them...

I think he actually might like me.

b

when things are too good to be true...

they usually are.

I say it's all BS, he says it's all true.



He's just so... romantic.

I've only had romance in my life once. So, either he's very good, or he means it.



We're like a couple of eighth graders, giggling and whispering, and then he touches my face or my hair...

It's just too good to be true.

Isn't it?

b

Because that's not passive-aggressive at ALL.

I get home today and this is what greets me on my screen. An im which reads:

hey
how are you
u there?
ok, guess not
you may have noticed that I don't have you on my gmail list at the moment
I wanted to tell you
that that's nothing personal, I just find you sort of distracting
not the bad kind of distracting
but it seemed that maybe we made some positive motion and I wouldn't want to damage that
I wouldn't want you to be mad at me or thinking I was being passive aggressive or anything
sry if it came off like that
cheers


I think this person needs assistance. Assistance I cannot give. The answer certainly does not lie with me, nor am I qualified or certified in the proper fields in order to provide the aid that this particular soul so desperately needs.

Friend, if you are reading this, please never contact me again. To begin, the very fact that you contacted me on one particular message form to tell me that you'd deleted me from another is beyond words.

Next, I would have no idea that you'd deleted me, nor do I care. You merely would not have shown up on my chat function. Which, had I cared, I might have made the deduction that you were not online. As it is, I did not notice, or make mention of it. So no, I did most certainly not notice something I would not have been privy to.

And then, to suggest that our friendship was moving in a positive direction, only to halt the reconstruction process...

I am not the answer. I cannot help you. Your own friends cannot help you. Seek professional guidance.

Yes. This one is about you.

b

nv rth

I WANT TO BRUSH MY TEETH WITH SOMEONE, TOO!!!

aurgh!

<3

I love that girl.

b, who totally wants her own preview.

denial isn't just a river in egypt.

okay. so it would seem that big B is right. There are some guys trying to take his place. Or, so it would seem.

There. I said it.

Okay.

One, whom I'll dub "The President," asked me if I wanted to see a hockey game, if he could find an extra ticket would I come... and I said I would have loved to go but I couldn't b/c of my kids. Then I asked CJ, "was he asking me out on a date?" then CJ went and asked the president if he was asking me and i was all i can't believe you just asked him and he was all what if you wanna know, then you have to ask him and then the PRESIDENT was like i mean it wasnt a date date but like i can ask you on a date and i was like omg.

pause. flick hair.

Then he sent me a txt asking me if i wanted to go skiing this saturday. Correction, he txts me "thinking bout going boarding saturday! wanna be my date?" YES i want to go skiing this saturday but I cant (again b/c of the kids) and I told him to keep me in mind for future things and he responds with "You actually have been all i can think about! So i'll definitley keep ya in mind!"



A girl needs to hear & read these things.

Two:
I met a guy a few weeks ago. No clue what I'll dub him yet. he looks like a character actor I can't put my finger on but... I dunno. We'll call him jaime. Anyways I met him once, and we kind of looked at each other. didn't speak, I gues we were just sizing each other up. Then he came and saw my kids show, turns out one of the kids is his neighbor, and then we started talking and turns out he works for the Baha'i radio station, so we now have people in common. He doesn't speak farsi, but he's working on it, which is just sweet. Anyways, before we got pulled apart by kids and parents, he invited me to see his photography exhibit in baltimore.

I'm so there.

So, there you have it. Two more to the list.

In other news, I have no idea what's going on with B&W. I dunno. I just... If I had my choice of people to be tied down to, he'd be on the list. Top numbers on the list. But I'm not sure if being tied down is the best thing for me at the immediate moment. I'm scared people will start giving us labels or something, and I'm not ready for labels. I'm ready for one blissful day at a time.


IN OTHER NEWS
Like my horoscope said that I'd be making some serious growth changes this year, and a friend of mine called me and asked me if I'd go with him as his guest & sit in & participate in some life changing talks and stuff. So I'm going to go do that this saturday.

GO ME.

Everything's coming up roses.

b

i've got my running shoes on

Ritah: "fear is a friend who's misunderstood"
its good to be scared, and careful,
but dont let it make you run away

he noticed the gold flecks in my eyes

and called them out.

b

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Does anyone remember what the fight was about?
b

the zine is back

up and running. sorry to all who were mad. i didnt realise that i even effected anyone. in some small way, i'm glad it got the reaction it got when it was down because it means that it means something to someone out there, and that they use it.

b

like, liberty and the pursuit of happiness

like:
like is good. like is healthy. like can be fun.

liberty:
I am not going from one person to another. I can't. By that, I don't mean bouncing about the dating scene. I mean I am not leaving one long-term relationship merely to wake up in another. I need the space to see what's out there. I think dinner is harmless. I think going out is harmless. I think it's obvious who has my heart. But I still need to hang out with other people. Must... remind... self... to... not... stick... to... one... person!

the pursuit of happiness:
can't I just do what I want to anyway?

shadmehr pt III

You know, you're just embarassing yourself by calling me all the time asking me to come back. Seriously, joonam, let me go.

I'll still like your music.
I promise. But can you stop blowing up my minutes??

You're interrupting meals with Mansour.

I think it's time to let me go.

b

shadmehr, pt II

seriously, i've replaced you.
don't call me, I'll call you.
I'm about mansour now. He and I are doing fine.
b

goodbye, shadmehr

I have found mansour now. he's scruffy, but at least he looks huggable in all of his videos.

you lost heart, shadmehr. you lost heart.

b

Chi shod?!

Shadmehr! What happened to you? You used to be HOTTTTTTT!
Whatever you're doing, stop!
Fix your hair, you look Fobbish now. Go back to HOTTTTT!!

Please, please please please.

I can't show people your picture anymore to people... it's like the Juanes phase where he grew his hair out & that one point where it looked ratty in all the pictures and i'd be like Here's my fave latino singer... awww, maybe there's a better picture somewhere...

Shadmehr, toreh Khodah. Mooyatoh avaz kon. Lotfan.

I still loveyou though. Even if I don't have any of your cds. I'll get them.

fix your hair.

please.

b

blessings

I'm blessed.

My parents are both alive. Blessing.
I have people in my life who love me. Blessing.
I have people in my life who care about me. Blessing.
I have friends. Blessing.
I have shoulders to cry on. Blessing.
I have a job. Blessing.
This job gives me the funds to support my family. Blessing.
I have my theatre company. Blessing.
I have the money to put myself through school. Blessing.
My car is paid off. BLESSING.
I am worthy of love. Blessing.
I am in a position to be able to love others. BLESSING.
God Loves Me Unconditionally, Every Day.
BLESSING.

here's the thing.

i like him. he likes me.
neither of us should be liking anyone.
my friends say go for it.
i have no clue what his friends say.
he says he wants to try, and doesn't want this to be a rebound.


I say that's what it would be no matter how you cut it.
My trusted psychic friend says he's telling the truth, though.
Sigh.
I know he cares. I know he does, I just feel like it's premature.
Like give it time. Will you still be flirting with me? Will you still be inviting me over? Will you still be saying the things you say?

I don't mind the flirting. It's healthy and it makes me feel beautiful and wanted. And it's all talk. It's a way to vent and get out frustration without harming yourself. Or the other person.

And then... I catch myself in the cynical femail critical eye way, and think, "you know, he's all talk. I haven't seen one email that's initiated from him, or one phone call, or one text."

Correction: There was a text.

But there's no action that backs up the verbal stuff. And I'm scared of what that action might entail, should it rear itself.

So, as it is now, I have an open invitation to his home.

He says he doesn't want this to be a rebound thing.

I think we need to nip it in the bud and not go any farther with anything than we already have. Right now, it's perfect. No one has done or said anything that they might regret. There are no strings. Just two people who enjoy each other's company holding conversation.

Two people who might get attached if they're not careful.

The fact is, neither of us are free of our pasts at the moment. I'm still not over my ex. I am, and I'm not. I'm over the fact that he's not coming back, and I'm not over the fact that he was such a big part of my life and who I was. So I feel like I have all of this love... like a big ball of love that I'm holding in my hands and it is heavy and I'm looking for a place to put it down.

That's dangerous. Because if I put it down on another person. Wrong person, right person, I'm not ready. I need me time.

He needs "he" time.

Then when that's all said and done, we can try "we" time.

Until then, it better stay all talk.

aurgh

People give me headaches.
Just tell me how to love you, you know? Because I do. Just because my way of showing it doesn't match with your way of receiving it doesn't mean I don't love you.

Because I do.

b

Please Note

Recently, a person who used to be a good friend of mine engaged in a conversation online with me. I was responsive until he suggested something negative towards a mutual friend of ours as a joke, but it ended up killing the conversation. Then, a few minutes later, he opts to change the subject with this gem:

"please note, I'm trying really, really hard to be a good friend right now: How's life?"


I could not respond. I still haven't responded. Try to be a good friend? Trying really, really hard? Don't bother. If it's effort for you to befriend me and exert some small grace of concern for my well being, save it.

I don't need people who need to try to be a friend. I want people who ARE my friends.

b

sacrifice

He missed the game for me.

...

Okay. I think we all know that I'm born on the cusp of Taurus & Gemini. As such, when I read them, I always make it a point to read both, since the truth usually lies in some Venn-Diagram shape of the two. So, in light of all that's been going on, Ritah decided to remind me of the always-reliable, completely scientific Horoscope.

The following is brought to you by Yahoo Astrology:

Year 2008 RomanceProvided by Astrology.com Gemini You love being intimately connected with another and have no problem sending out those signals. Your passionate, sensual and patient energy is given to others freely and people appreciate receiving your soothing energy. You possess a lot of enthusiasm and easily communicate your deep feelings and strong desires to have a love relationship, yet sometimes you hold back, monitoring and intellectualizing your interests in another instead of verbalizing your romantic interest in having commitment in your life. You would prefer if they make the first move before you're comfortable enough to let them know how you feel. Much of the transformation you will be experiencing this year will be in relationships and in partnerships, helping you to see more deeply into your own motivation. Deep and profound changes in your dynamics of togetherness will give you an opportunity to explore your deeper needs and personal desires in a new way that will change your life forever. You start the year off wanting to be in an intimate relationship, and the blessings you experience will accumulate throughout the year -- both financially and otherwise -- once you decide you are sure you want to go forward. Your whole life will be dramatically changed for the better and you may get deeply involved in this relationship, because it will be amazingly transforming. You will find new ways of establishing harmony when you focus on forming a closer emotional attachment. You find a lot of faith and trust in this relationship and incline to be very poetic about seeing things from a more high-minded viewpoint. You will find wisdom in sharing with each other and finding your own independent inner strength. Learn acceptance of each other through spontaneous communication of your spiritual ideals and insights.

--- and----

Year 2008 RomanceProvided by Astrology.com
Taurus
This year, you may find yourself attracted to someone you work with. Your passionate nature attracts someone who shares your values and has a deep focus on their career. Consider spending free time together, sharing in activities that keep you actively engaged with each other. Almost everything you do together will allow you to feel a balanced flow of energy.
As the year progresses, you really like the idea of sharing your life with this person. Hopefully, this person in will feel the same way! As you deepen your own self-awareness, and recognize your own self-worth, you will attract the love you need and deserve. When you find your perfect soul mate, you an innate sense of closeness develops. You both revel in both the natural world, and in lively social situations. This year will bring positive changes in how you communicate with others, as well. Your passion and charm rise to the surface, and you yearn for a deeper commitment with the one you love. This could be the one to make you dream to walk down the aisle.



So. What does this mean? You read it here first, folks.

Absolute mindjob.

b

keep trucking

I have to keep it moving. Because when I stop, I think of him, and I can't break down. I can't break down. I can't break down. I can't break down.

Stay strong, stay focused.

Why does it still hurt? How do I move past this?

b

=(

It still hurts.

This saved my life.

http://bahaiviews.blogspot.com/2007/11/upon-graduation-and-possibility-of.html

I suck.

The end.

In other news, people are being really nice to me. Tomorrow I'm having dinner with some friends, and meeting new ones.

A girlfriend of mine is into moving to the same countries I am, so I might have a travel buddy, which is awesome. I'll believe it when I see it for sure, but it's still nice.

I broke some serious personal rules this weekend, and I have to stop. It's hard, though. Aurgh.

I over-analyse everything, I'm compulsive, and I throw myself completely into everything I do. How...

How...

I need to talk to B&W... he'll help me figure this out. Simplify.

Simplify.

b

ritah's request.

Ritah's told me to update my blog. Here I am.
Updating.

I've just come off a great weekend. Ten of us rented a cabin in North Carolina for the Gregorian New Year's. Hot tubbing, conversations until dawn and massive bonding sessions ensued. I learned much about people from my trip, and also got a great deal of more respect for one of my new friends.

I have a thing, this severe problem, where I take people to heart. The people I take to heart... I will go to the ends of the earth for them. I will do whatever I can, whatever I've got in my power to help them reach their goals, or remain happy, or attain happiness. If I can end their suffering, I'm happy. If I can make one smile, I've succeeded. If I can take a moment of their pain away, I can live forever.

In short, they have my attention 100%. They are my family. They say that blood is thicker than water, but here, once you're in, you're the water in my blood.

I know, that's totally lame.

As a result of this weekend, I've had a recent addition to my family. Never would have thought this person would be added into my family, but there it is. This person... killed me. They just killed me. I've never met a more beautiful person.

I'm glad I went.

Today I cried for ten minutes. Their reality hit me, the reality of how fine the line is that they've got separating the black from the white, and I just cried. I dunno, maybe I cried for them, who knows. They think in black and white, and I don't. Yet... their life is so much less complicated as a result. I... I envy that in some strange way. I mean, they have their problems too, but they have to be strong, and so they are. It's... "simple."

I wish I had an ounce of the strength this person has.

An ounce.


In short, I rang in the Gregorian New Year's with a bang, and I'm at once excited and disappointed in the New Year.

"B- is Great; 2008" was supposed to be this year's theme, but I suppose "b is great in 2008" will have to do instead.

New Year. New Beginnings. New Countries. New Everything.

As for the past, all I can say is:
I tried. I gave it my all. In the end, it wasn't enough.

In other news, this weekend I argued a Welshman that Gerard Butler is Scottish and WON. I know my Scots. I'm learning I've got a huge thing for them, since all the men I'm into lately seem to be Scottish. Maybe I'll move there. He's also got the type I like... Brown hair, light eyes... Hold on, So has James McAvoy... and Paul McGillion... and David Tennant... Are all Scots built this way? I'm moving! And Billy Boyd... even though he's shorter than the rest. and apparently's got a baby. I dunno about Gerard Butler having a family. James McAvoy is taken.

Gerard Butler was also the Phantom in the recent film version. That made me hurt. I ached. *Sigh.*

I'm SO moving to Scotland.

=)

Maybe that would be too much fun.

What else can I catch you up on? My men love me and I love my men. I talked to a friend of mine today, who was certainly thrilled I'm single again, and suggested we dine together. He's got a project for me, and I just love it when people return my love. He's in my family, and here he is looking out for me. He's got an improv/saturday night live/ group thing going, and he says it's not complete without me. I love him. I have another one who won't let me be industrial with my looks. When I take a hard lens to my looks, and a business approach to myself, he reels me back in and basically won't listen to a word I say unless its, "I love myself, I'm marketable, I'm fabulous."

I love him.

Christmas I read a lady's palm and it was scary because I read she'd had two miscarriages and that she was going to have serious finanial difficulty later in life. Sometimes, I don't like being right.

I also had my fortune read a few days before, and it was HI-larious. Scary, really, cause of what it said. It didn't say anything about the future. It was about the present and the past. About how certain situations I've still got on my mind aren't worth it, and that the World is my Oyster, etc. I can do anything, have anything and anyone I want, it said.

It was scary. Intimidating.

I know this entry is all over the place. One last bit about the hot tub: it was great. The weekend was great and I don't regret a stitch of it. Only, you can't really take pictures in the hot tub cause no one can really see through the steam. I needed that weekend to push out everyone and everything and just... live. I've never tried that before, and lemme tell you, it was nice.

Now, back to my regularly scheduled responsibilities!

I knew it. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

Taurus: (April 20 - May 20) A hackneyed but nonetheless wise old adage says, “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.” Don’t be tempted to fall into your old habit of procrastination. The world needs you now.
More
Gemini: (May 21 - June 20) With your way with words and your gifts for persuasion, you could play an important role in world transformation. Even if you only serve as spokesperson for your own community, you’re still making a difference. Remember that.

...

What if we've got cats all wrong?

b

Buying for Banafsheh, 101

It's the holiday season, so I expect some folks might think of me as they shop.

That said, I've included this handy buying tip for when you reach for that Lord of the Rings calendar, you'll know to put it back and get the original print of the books (if not original, at least early enough that it hasn't got the movie representations all splashed on the cover).

Tip #1: I like practical.
Every present I've ever given is something someone can use in some way; either something that will help them make a statement, provide an image, or tools in order to continue a dream. In that vein, I don't like stuff... I have enough random stuff of my own, and to get more stuff frustrates me cause I have to house and make room for just one more thing I can't actually get any use out of.

Tip #2: I like original.
Say some idiotic studio wants to do Casablanca again. Do not buy me anything to do with the new movie. I won't like it. Say the studio actually manages to make a great movie, and I end up liking the new movie in spite of myself. Don't but me anything to do with the new movie. Still get the original poster, or the original film.

Tip #3: I like Vintage.
This kinda ties into Tip #2, with this slight difference: Using the LotR example from before, if you got me a book series without movie images, that's Tip #2. However, if you got me the 1954 original print, I'd simply die.

Tip #4: Collectibles.
I do not go for collectibles, because people do not know what collectibles are. Original is not always collectible. Vintage is. An original, vintage, never opened He-Man is way cooler than the beefcake, overdone, why-can-I-count-the-veins-on-a-toy crap they've got now. Remade stuff now is just kitschy, and won't sell, or mean anything in 20 years. Now, again using the LotR example, the original, animated Bilbo Baggins movie is a collectible. A dvd of this would fall under original. A VHS would fall under vintage, but I wouldn't be able to get much use of it, so the dvd works just fine.

Tip #5: Theater.
THIS WILL ALWAYS WORK. If all else fails, go the theatrical route. Tickets, plays, musical scores, vintage playbills... be creative. I guarantee it'll work. If you screw this up, there's no helping you. Seriously.

Tip #6 Like vs. Love.
If there's something I like, unless you purchase it immediately after I mention it, I will not like it. I will have had time to move on and like something else. If I love it, and it always comes up in conversation, or you know for a fact I'll love it, get it. But if it's like... something that... I have a choice between... How do I explain? If there's a boy band, or a group, and I single out a member as being my favourite, don't get me his calendar. It's not that serious. It's just that of my choices, he's the favourite. That's all. Unless it's noel gallagher, and even with him, I'm stuck between being over him and never getting over him. I think I can sum up our non-existent relationship with: I'll always love him, but I don't have anything of his and I'm very okay with that.

Tip#7 Music.
You can't go wrong with legends. My entire music collection was stolen in the move from Pittsburgh to DC, so I don't have anything.

I think this is good for our introduction of buying for banafsheh.

b

I'm wrong.

I'm wrong because he loves me every day.

I was very wrong.

b

?

He loves me. I get that. It's even more evident today.
He came first thing in the morning with breakfast.


He loves me.

And I have no idea what to do with that.

b

Happiness comes in little pills

There's an episode of Dr. Who featuring the tenth doctor and Martha, where they go to New Earth and New New York, after the other two times he went with Rose. There's an infrastructure in place there, and some plot lines about self-sufficient busywork, but the part I want to focus on is the drug patches. There's a bit where the market comes to life but all they sell are states of being. There's an anger patch, a happy patch, a sleep patch, and a "forget" patch. So the Doctor goes on this chase to save Martha and ends up finding the senate, all of whose members are long dead, bodies left in the very positions they died in. So the doctor finds that what happened was they all died from exposure to the new patch, "bliss." They were so blissful they just didnt want to do anything or go anywhere so they ended up dying. Blissfully, no doubt, but they're dead just the same.

Anyways, don't know why I shared that; just thought you should know.

I've taken a look about me at the things I've got going on and realised that they're the very things that aught to make me happy. Only I'm not. There's something missing that's been missing for a very long time and I don't want to put my finger on it. Cause it scares me. It scares me that here I am at the brink of the something that's been missing my whole life and...

What if it's fulfilling? What if it's not? What if it kills me? What if I have to give up everything and everyone I've ever loved to have it? Someone pointed out that they can tell when I want to do something simply by the way I light up when i'm discussing it.

This morning, I woke up happy. So happy, in fact, I came to work in what I slept in, and didn't care to don any undies. I thought, I'm going to do things my way; live my life, experience things I want to. I love travel; I'll travel.

I took a look at the things that I have:
I have a theater company. Sure, it's not my theater company, but I certainly won't make aname for myslf being pissed about that minor fact, will I? I've got to get my name out there and ride this train all the way to the station. Else, how will I have anyone willing to work with me when it DOES come time for me? I can't keep waiting... besides, it's better to fail on someone else's dime, anyways, isn't it?

I'm graduating. This is supposed to make me happy, but it's kind of bittersweet. It's freeing me up for my year of service, which I've always wanted to do, and never been able to do... and I can't keep postponing it. Once I even rationalized, well, I'll pioneer when I retire. What if I don't live that long? How can I come to grips with myself knowing I had an opportunity to do something important and then tabled it? It's not just the experience. It's the Year of Service. Baha'i's are encouraged to participate in a Year of Service and I've not done one. I could call myself a Homefront Pioneer, but I don't want to cause I think it's lame, and an easy way out. I've always wanted to do this... From Tanzania to Japan to South America and now China. The country may keep changing but the intent never has. Now's the time. If I stay, I'll never go, and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Speaking of regret, I had someone recently encourage me to take on a show. I asked him for advice looking to be talked out of it, and instead he talked me into it, and assured me that we'd get through it. Get through it we did, and there was a point I just resented it all. Looking back, I couldn't be more greatful to him. I'd be sitting here on my own time right now, thinking about the old days of theater instead of thinking, "Well, i handled it. When's the next audition?" He proved to me that I can do more than I let myself decide and settle on. And I absolutely adore him for it.

That's part of the reason this kills me so much. I know I have a man like him in my corner... and to leave just feels like it's a slap in the face... But how can I give up something I've always wanted to do? And it's only for 365 days... I'd be back, with a vengeance, tearing up the DC theater circuit as I've wanted to, working on my children's theater programs and performing at night. Part of the reason I wanted to become a teacher in the first place (aside from weilding the power to influence minds) is the realization that it's the most flexible job ever. You can go anywhere in the world and get a job.

Sigh.

I keep alot bottled up. The whole purpose of getting a blog was so that I'd be able to write. I haven't written a stich since... well.... ever, my poetry site's been hacked and I've completely neglected it cause I didn't think anyone ever really used it. Turns out people do and knowing I'm letting them down just depresses me more instead of making me do something about it.

And all the while, here's this beautiful man in my corner, cheering me on, telling me to get back in the ring and fight it out. And I love him. And I don't want to let him go.

I'm torn, and I'm stuck, and I don't know what to do.

b

hit 'em where it hurts

but it hurts everywhere.
i'm depressed. nothing works.
everything's going wrong.

and i'm walking such a fine rope as i try to maintain what dignity i have left instead of relying on bus, since he's got enough worry in life. I mean... I feel like I'm growing dependent on him, and that's the absolute last thing i want to do. i think my original *in* dependence is one of my traits that drew him to me, and since that day i've just grown more and more dependent on him to be there for me.

that's horrible. who wants that?

who wants that?

everything just adds in to my slide. and the drugs i'm on won't let me have a clear head. i can't think straight. it's awful.

b

judgement

Hrm. This is an essay topic. What is judgement? Is it bad? Is it good? Can it be healthy?

Is advice judgement? Are observations? Opinions?

I believe it's possible to offer advice and not judge. I believe it's possible to have an opinion and not judge. I believe that judgement comes in to play once you qualify a trait as "good" or "bad." That is to say, "he's not a good person." That's a judgement. Or, to believe that someone deserves something based on a previous action. Such as, "she deserves to die."

These are judgements.

It's weird when you give your advice or make an observation and suddenly people feel you're judging them. Not so. I love all of my friends. Even the the ones I don't talk to anymore. For those, I had to make a choice: my sanity, or our friendship. Sometimes, I chose the friendship, and my sanity disintegrated until I changed my decision. Doesn't mean I think the other party is a bad person. My old best friend, even. I don't speak to him for one reason alone: I can't trust him. It's really that simple. I will never again put myself into a position that may require him to have my back because I don't trust that he will. He's still a good person. I've even invited him out a few times to group activities, as he's invited me. But I just don't trust to have him around me. That's all.

In other news, I've been getting hints that a friend of mine feels I've judged him or her. Frankly, I'm confused by that, but slightly tickled by the irony that throughout their rantings and apparent disapproval of being judged, this person seemingly has no problem judging others.


I was speaking with Bus recently, and asked for his insight into a situation a friend of mine was in. He mentioned two gems I think are worth noting:

Gem 1: Just because a person is the most wonderful person in the world doesn't make him or her good relationship material. You could be a great person and not know how to handle an interpersonal relationship.

Gem 2: People try to defend their relationships when they hit rough patches by saying, "no one ever notices the good times, no one ever hears about the good times, everyone only hears the bad times" or some such variant. That is, when people defend their relationship or significant other by suggesting that the outside world has some skewed image of their honey, because they're only aware of the bad times since that's when people normally go to friends for advice. This is a situation that happens often, which is why a friend of mine couldn't stand Bus for a while, since coincidentally, whenever he called, there'd just been some "crisis" or misunderstanding and I was a ball of frustration. So he got the impression that Bus wasn't good enough for me, and he started voicing that opinion. Thing is, he was voicing it not in the constructive "you're too good for him, find someone else" way, but in the "I'm better for you than he is" kind of way, which never works on me.

I digress.

The Gem 2 that Bus was making is that relationships aren't defined by the good times. Rather, they're defined by the rough patches. How the individuals and the couple as a whole come together to work past their differences or personality, age, culture and religion (where applicable) and place the relationship first.

So don't hide behind the good stuff.

On a related, but different note, for crying out loud, don't read clips of stuff, especially when presented in the third person. Read the whole thing. Then make decisions and form opinions.

i think that's all for now.

people are weirding me out.

The deepest sigh

How do you tell someone that they're beautiful?

I have a friend who has a self-fulfilling prophecy that she's worthless. I say I *have* a friend, because she thinks our friendship is over, and I refuse to believe that. My acceptance would make things easy, and I'm not about easy in these situations. It's self-fulfilling because instead of looking towards herself and working to believe that she's fabulous, she seems to truly believe deep down that she's worthless, and instead looked to myself & others to pull her out of it. Well, I failed her, and now she's gone back to believing her perspective, instead of accepting that she truly IS fabulous.

How do you convince someone that they deserve love when they don't believe you? When they don't want to believe you? When they choose not to believe you?

The story begins when she confided something in me that just simply shocked me. I had no idea that she could be so (for lack of a better word:) spiteful, and frankly, it scared me. There were several avenues she could have chosen, and the one she did just shocked me. I was really unprepared for that. So I, in shock, reacted poorly. Very poorly, in fact. In truth, I'm not proud of my behaviour at all. I distanced myself from her, when perhaps I should have been drawing her more tightly. Had I understood and recognized her behaviour as a lash out in the name of being wanted and desired, I would have approached it completely differently. I would have drawn her as tightly as I could in the cyber realm to myself, and would not have let go. I would have made her understand her choice.

You see, my friend doesn't believe she deserves anything. Not love, not friendship, not anything. She believes she's low. Which is ironic, in a way, because I believe that at the same time she has a negative emotional connection, she has a "positive" physical connection. I put the physical in quotes because it's not really positive. You see, something happened that involved a negative emotional response, and to counter it, she responded physically in a different arena.

Here's where I worry.

How do you tell someone that you don't understand why they choose to hurt themselves when they don't have to? So she's ended our friendship, which I don't accept, because I think it's easier to walk away from someone who loves you when you're hurt, than to face the music and battle it out. I'm also fighting for this because she's one of the true friends I had who called me on my fears even though the situation was a little bit different (my fears came before my current bf & I were together, hers seemed to stem after and during her relationship).

How do you tell someone who chooses to be alone that they don't have to be? I'm still here for her, I never stopped being there for her, even though she seems (attempting not to speak for her) to think it is I that ended the friendship. I didn't. I reacted poorly, and I've since apologized for it and asked forgiveness, but neither seem to come. My main mistake was projecting my relationship with my mother onto her at the very moment she told me her news. My mother and I have a rocky relationship when it comes to debates and argueing. They leave me in tears, my nerves are shot in the end and I can't function properly for a day or two. So I've learned to bite my tounge sometimes, to avoid the two-day recovery period altogether. My friend, however, is not my mother. My friend craved the brutal honesty. Had I not been in shock, I'd have been able to tell my friend bluntly, that it was her choice to act out. That my job is not to judge her, but to help her through her issues as best as I can. But this issue (at the time) seemed beyond my skills. She accused me of believing certain derogatory things about her which were and still are simply untrue. How could I tell her that these words were not coming from my conscious OR sub-conscious mind, but that if she felt their heat that perhaps she should listen to her own conscience? How does one realize that sometimes judgements aren't external, but internal, and if you perceive yourself a certain way, maybe you should step back to see where the self-perception stems from? What place in the arguement would she have heard the love in that statement?

Anyways, this projection of my mother led me to withhold my tongue for fear of an arguement which would result in the end of our friendship, which in fact, *backfired* miserably and led to the many tears and two-day nerve shutdown and apparent one-sided dissolving of our friendship anyway. Self fulfilling prophecy indeed.

In the end, the one judgement, I suppose, that I did make is that my friend victimizes herself. In many situations, it was justified, but as with my mother (who also does the same thing, and myself, who was learning to do it until I had someone snap me out of it) the habit had developed into a trait of sorts. There was a person who loved her, and when he made a mistake, the primary response was "how could he do this to me?" When he made a choice, the response was along the lines of, "how dare he reject me?" These primary choices to choose pain even came to me, "how could you think that about me?" When in fact, I hadn't thought anything one way or the other, I was merely shocked by the action itself, and hadn't had the time to fully digest it, or it's meaning. Like I already said, my reaction was poor and regrettable, but it was a choice nonetheless and I have to own it.

As far as choices go, "choice" itself is a strong word. When a person starts using it, he or she begins to take ownership of their actions. When a person takes ownership of their actions, they begin to sort out the behaviours they like and don't like, and can better change towards the person they may like to be. The things I type aren't just bs; I've had to do them myself. I had to go from "I don't deserve better" to "I dated down because I knew that the men would appreciate me, and I had a strong need to be loved- or what I thought was love." Since accepting the choices I've made in my life, much of the drama I used to swim in has been cut out, and I'm in a reasonably functional relationship which earned the label of "power couple." This label did not come without a fight, though. Both of us fought hard for this relationship; both with each other, and within our own selves. I've had to fight off my cut and run instincts, and he had to battle his own demons. Yet, we persevered, stronger for it. I wish my friend could experience this as well.

I'm just sad that an otherwise wonderful relationship dies because of this. She seems to think I think ill of her, but my attitude towards her hasn't changed at all.

How do you convince the person who is convinced you hate, despise, or are embarrassed of them that they're wrong and you don't at all?

I've been saying a healing prayer for her since the incident. I'm scared that she may choose to push myself and others away in order to give herself an excuse to lash out and place herself in more situations that allow her self prophecy to manifest itself and feed her cycle. I love her to death, and it freaks me out. But baby steps. Maybe I'm way off base about her. Maybe she's not going to self-destruct. Maybe she's going to find her inner Queen and accept nothing less than honor and decency. Maybe she's going to find a man who loves her, thinks the world of her, and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Maybe she'll be strong enough to face her demons and share them with him so that they can work on them together. Maybe they'll be the next power couple.

Here's to them.

When your successes are your failures, or, how I do not take my own advice.

I write this post because it needs to be written. It's most likely good advice... Maybe not even advice... but commentary with a spin... I don't precicely know which category it fits but the point is that I will not be following this advice.

When Your Successes Are Your Failures

I was at my cousin's graduation party this past Saturday, when one of the attendees looked at me with a gaze that mixed confusion and concern and commented, "[the cousin] is younger than [me] isn't she?"
I immediately saw through her belittling tactic and chose, actively chose, not to show this person that her words, though yet unspoken, had managed to touch a sensitive nerve within me.

"Yes, yes she is."

And yet, this obviously clear message was brushed aside in pursuit of her goal: to say the following sentence:

"But you haven't graduated yet, right?"

"That's right, I haven't."

And then, to really drive her bewildered point home, she trumped my response with the ever-clear, I-won't-say-what-I-want-to-so-I'll-sum-it-up-with-this-gem-as-I-shift-and-relax-back-into-my-chair-and-it-would-be-awesome-if-I-had-some-glasses-to-nibble-to-really-add-effect:

"Humph." That sly, under the breath "huh" that's not the least bit a question.

And I was fine until she mentioned the "huh." The "huh" that wasn't a "huh" at all but really a "and yet she's done and you're not. Fascinating. You know, I thought you'd be done long ago. What's taking you so long?"

And I stare her down and say, "she's went full time, I've been going part time."

And there it was. My moment of weakness. My moment where I cracked and brought up an excuse to cover the pain and make everything okay.

No. Everything was okay before she said that. Everything was okay when I've been working my ass off to support my family so that I don't exactly have the luxury to quit my job and go full time and pray someone hires me immediately upon graduation because the time I'd spend looking for a job would just be more time my family goes without food. All while putting MYSELF through school, *AND* managing to foster my theatrical career as the appointed Artistic Director of the InterFaith Conference of Metropolitain Washington's Children's Theatre.

What I wanted to say was "nope, actually I dropped out of college, and decided that it was a waste of my time since I was already making so much money without it."
To which, her jaw would drop, and she'd turn to my mother and say, "truly?"
and I'd say, "Not at all, but wouldn't it make you feel better if it was?"

And meanwhile, I see my mom, whose only goal in life is not to see me marry, but to see me graduate. She's shrinking in the corner of my eye, and no one else can see it, but I can. The slightest release in the shoulder, the merest clench of a temple, the fraction of the eye being lowered to the ground. She's embarrassed. For everyone. For herself, because this lasy clearly thinks her daughter is a loser. For me, for being one. For the lady, for having to go through the questions in the first place.

She changes the subject to help us all avoid the shameful white camel in the room. How I took her on a trip. Shock ensues. Yes, this pitiful creature who carries a white camel (bactrian, for those who were wondering... I like two humps and I cannot lie) managed to take her mom out.

Sigh. The worst part was when mom didn't even comment on her conversation on the way home.

Complete defeat. Her daughter is a loser. Plain and simple. She had to "save me" from conversation.

Even though I've been through and have accomplished alot, ALOT, mind you, because I'm still in the race for this papel which is the key to all the puertas in the world, all my accomplishments, All of them...

mean absolutely nothing.

sigh.

b

a lot has happened

my boyfriend was moving away, and i'd gotten prepared for that, then i realized that I didnt want to be in a long distance relationship, and now he's not going and i feel horrible.

someone said something once that is so true I have no idea how not to make it true... they said that i sabotage relationships.

and then I was talking to Ritah today and she said that I have to make sure that the fact that he stayed doesn't break us up, and she's right about that, cause he hasn't looked me in the eye and said this decision is what he wants, so I can't help thinking it's not really his decision... that he feels like "the people closest to me dont want me to go for whatever reason, and i dont feel like fighting them so whatever." I just feel so responsible. And my instinct is to push him away so that he'll have to go, but I have to fight that because the last thing I ever want to hear is "I did this for you."

Aurgh.

And THEN it turns out that Ritah's boyfriend, London, happens to BE in Australia at this very moment, and then I just feel super awful. I *know* that I need to trust *my* boyfriend, to tell me when something isn't okay... but... the fact is, I don't. I don't think he'd come to me with any issues because he might see me as the primary naysayer. I just feel horrible. And I can't shake it. I feel like the one thing he wanted to do was go to Australia. I mean, he can still go to Australia. There's nothing stopping him from that. But he wanted to go to Business school in Australia. I dunno. I just feel so responsible. Like... He and I talked about it... not really. He listened to what I said other people had to say about his going, then when I got home, I prayed about that and about some stuff at work, and then the next day, he said he wasn't going anymore. Which freaked me out even further because his mother's last words to me were "whatever God wills. it's in God's hands." Then I happen to pray about it that night, and then the next day he's not going. Mom says the prayer did it. Thanks for adding one more layer to why I feel responsible.

And then there's the question of freedom. Everyone needs freedom in a relationship. Do I give enough? Considering I hardly see him, I think so, but you never know one's perception.

I do know that I screw up relationships on purpose. I do know that for a while, I was letting him love me and now I think I've shut that off and I don't know why. I'm scared. I guess. I'm scared... scared he's going to look at me one day and say "this isn't what I want at all. Goodbye."

I guess that's part of life... because the men I love always end up leaving in some shape or form anyway. I dunno.

Maybe this is what it is to be depressed. I dont want to do anything or go anywhere, the very things that used to make me happy... like writing, feel like such a burden to me. Like everything just takes too much effort. There was a time when I felt atop of my game... I had my poetry site, people were writing, I was writing... I was getting stuff together for my theater, getting clips of ideas, buying stuff for sets... Now... It's been months since I've even looked at the site, days since I've thought of it, I feel like I'm in a rut.

Only thing is, odd thing is, it feels like it's part of my destiny or something. cause even though i didnt answer any of the questions that were put to me, they still emailed me like I've got the job.

Life takes initiative, but it's the initiative that scares me.

I need a push back to who I was, and I'm scared.

I think I dont deserve love. I've screwed up so many lives. What gives me the right to be happy? One day, he'll turn to me and say "you're not worth this much pain." and he'll go. I'm scared of holding on so tightly he'll suffocate and leave... I'm scared of giving so much freedom he'll either take advantage of it or think I don't care... I'm scared I don't know the balance yet, and I'll screw up either way.

I'm just scared and no one is telling me that everything is going to be okay.

Doesn't that mean that it's not?


yours truly,

Head Basketcase.
b

Dear Gerard Butler

Dear Gerard Butler,
I have always loved your work. And your eyes, and your accent. The stills from 300 have me enjoying your physique, although as I stated before I was a fan of your acting long before I'd ever seen you take a shirt off. Have your people find me. I live in Maryland.

Most sincerely, and with no lusty intentions whatsoever,

banafsheh.

ps. I actually truly just want to talk about acting over coffee. Well, I'm a tea drinker m'self, but you can have coffee if you want.

growing pains

Had a growing pain just a few minutes ago. Can't even call it an arguement cause we "argue" and "disagree" and "misunderstand" so civilly.

It's weird. I cann it a growing pain, because it's not an arguement. It's us, learning about each other, figuring out what things mean, learning a new way of talking, and growing.

Together.

Cheers to my man. The man who won't let me lose my cool. Who forces me to talk it out right there and then, to (ironically) communicate.

That's my man.

I love him.

b

maternal advice

my father gave me two points of advice once:
1. never root against your husband's team
and
2. lower your expectations or you'll end up old, bitter, and alone.

My mother, recently, added her bits.
"I hope you don't have any kids. This world is messed up enough, and the Wallace line needs to stop."

Well, so that basically reinforced the notion that I'll be alone. Maybe that's why I suck at relationships. Cause I'm destined to be alone.

Maybe I should just stick to the game plan B of graduating & travelling.
I dunno.
I feel like I very much want a reason to grow roots and stay.

I'm about to go to therapy, maybe to see just what I'm running from.
I've woken up every day this week with the resolve to call my insurance company & find out what I've got covered... and still haven't done it.

*sigh*

Maybe my answer is not to listen to the advice of divorcees.

b

reflections on a waistline

I've determined that the only time I lose weight is when I'm sick. While I've cracked many a joke regarding patenting my "flu diet," last night I realized just how true that "joke" is.

I've lost ten pounds.

Thing is, I'll gain it all right back, and then some...

But the realization that I'd lost so much made me reflect on my eating habits. I've had people note that I don't eat much, or that I don't eat at all, or that I forget to eat, etc. This, I contrast with I eat tons. I feel I'm always eating. So who is right? I can't judge myself, cause I could merely be in denial, but I don't think I'm as extreme as others would have me believe. So I've reconciled my mind with:

I don't eat often, but when I do, I eat alot.

This perhaps to keep me until the next time I might chance to eat something.

Who knows? I'm kinda scared that I've lost ten pounds, considering that the fast is only a few days away, since that's the time of year I usually reserve for weight loss. I don't really want to die... Besides, that's when I go from two meals a day to only one.

Maybe this is just "weaning." That's it. I'm weaning myself off of food.

Wasting away,
b

I will not be the girl

"I will not be the girl/who gets asked how it feels/to be trodding along/at the genius' heels.../I will not be the girl who requires a man to get by"
-The Last 5 Years

So I sit, at home, bloated. And all I want is for my man to sit and have sympathy bloat with me and tell me how pretty I am even though I have a stomach virus and how I'm the prettiest girl with a stomach virus there is.

But I can't have that. Well, I won't even argue the point of "did you ask? maybe you'd have had it if you asked." No. Tonight coincides with a to-do for another birthday, and he'd asked me three times to go with him to that, so I know it means alot to him... And I remember I'd hinted at doing something for him myself this weekend, in honor of his birthday last Thursday, and I think he was game for my plans, but this stupid stomach flu burst that (among many) bubble(s), and now he's going out. Which is fine, mind you. I just wish I was going too. Instead of being home, alone, with nothing and no one to take my mind off of my digestive tract issues.

He offered to stop by, though, and I declined... because I knew if I saw him I'd try to make him stay because I really want to be with him atm.

Then he asked me if there was anything I needed from him, and I held back, "YES YOU CAN COME HERE AND STAY WITH ME AND TELL ME THAT I'M THE BEST LOOKING GIRL WITH DIGESTIVE TRACT ISSUES IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND PASS ME KLEENEXES!"

I held back. He's in his prime, he should be out. I should be with him.

How depressing is that, though? Give up fun & stay with your bloated girl & make her feel better. I'm not that selfish.

I try not to be that selfish.

I think I'm that selfish.

But I wouldn't dare ask it in a million years. So I guess I'm not that selfish.

But then guests came in, and it was really sweet of them to come in & bring the fun to me since I couldnt go have fun with them.

b, off to find a good throne.

when anxieties attack

This sounds mean, but I'm used to being the good looking one in the relationship. Except for Brent, but he loved me so much for proving people wrong that he doesn't count.

Now I'm involved with a good looking man, and I dunno... I feel... is threatened the word?

Who knows. Maybe that's why I'm being so crazy. I don't want to lose the good thing I've got. There's a lot to be scared of, scared I'm gonna worry about fracking up so much that I actually will... scared of...

And I discussed this with a friend last night:

Scared of being happy. I managed my other relationships cause they didn't make me happy... it was my twisted penance for ruining the best man in my life up until then.

Now, I've got someone who is actually better suited for me. He isn't trying to rescue me; he's trying to support me. And that's something I've never ever had.

I don't know what to do with it, and some nights it tears me up inside. I feel like... I dunno... like all I have to do is let go, and take a risk, and let him in... and I just get stopped short.

I haven't let anyone in since... Since. And here's someone I could totally let go and let in, and I can't. I've been spending so much time living inside my fort that I forgot where the lever to let down the drawbridge is...

I dunno, I dunno, I dunno. I do know that I *have* to let it go. The reason why I'm hanging on to the memory I think (there's tons, so don't go "na-ah, you said the reason was X") I think is because marriage wasn't the answer. Marriage was the "solution" to the problem. We loved each other, and my life (family wise) was an absolute mess, so the way to fix it was to get hitched, move out, move in together, and start a new life.

Perfect.

But reality hit me before the dream died and maybe that's why I'm still holding on to that little hope of being rescued. But then there's the "what if" factor... What if he's out there waiting for me to make the first move?

Then I think, "Fuck that. YOU should make the first move. I've been making the first move for both of us for so freaking long. YOU man up."

Which returns me to the fact that we're NOT meant to be together after all, cause if you want something, you go get it, and you fight for it, and you make it work, and no one's fighting.

Except me.

For another man.

So that's when I realize that I'll be okay. My love isn't misplaced. It's just different. And that's okay. And I've got someone who wants to help me find the lever to my drawbridge, even if he's stuck on the outside.

And that's powerful. I've got someone who, despite me being confused because I don't have all the facts, still loves me. And I try very hard not to try his patience, but the fact remains that this is still new, and we're still growing, and most frusteratingly:

He's more popular than I am, and good looking, and amazing, and sweet and sincere and of course women are going to want to be around him, and I should let that go, and learn to deal with the fact that no one wants to be around a girl who's bloated, cabin fevered up to the hilt whose digestive system is more comparable to a goose than a Human being.

*sigh*

I'd be so lost without him, and THAT scares me more.

How did I ever become so dependent on someone? I gotta love me more.

b

slides go down

I think I'm slipping into depression.
Is it possible to think you are? I thought depressed people never actually believed they were depressed. I think... I think I am and that I have a long road ahead of me.


Something's wrong and I can't place it.

So it must be me, right?

b

catching up

I know I've been gone a while...
alot happened. One thing was a really scary experience and I still haven't felt it yet. I think I can't feel it until I feel like I'm in a safe place to break down. My mom was with me, and I have to be strong for her sake so much, because she's got this habit of freaking out in scary situations, and we were in one together, but i still haven't dealt with it.

prolly wont. i just want to.

i just prolly won't.

I'll just roll it into the list of all the other things I have to worry about LATER.

b

I refuse to compete

So the more I sit on this, the more it bothers me.

My bf calls me to tell me he's swinging by & picking up a birthday cake. That someone else baked him. I'm so fired up that you can't even see it... What's another woman doing working my job?

But I'm too ill to leave the house, and too ill to see him on his birthday, so the idea of the dinner I'd planned here since I'd been here all day with nothing else to do seemed out, plus when I spoke to him, he didn't make any mention of wanting to swing by & see me on his day (which didn't bother me in the least, ironically... because of the whole "i'm sick" point).

But the more I sit on someone else making him cake, the angrier I get. So, I scrapped mine.

I refuse to act in competition for roles I should have by default.

Sorry, I just needed to let that out before it exploded and I didn't have anywhere else to go with it.

Just to clarify... This isn't jealousy, it's pain. Pain that he needs someone else to do my job. I don't get jealous, I get hurt.

b

okay I'm over it. I should be glad that he got a cake at all, right? Since he's always talking about how people always forget his birthday? I'm going to choose to be happy that someone was there to step in for him. And IGNORE that that person wasn't me.

Rocks Crumble

The shit part about being "the strong one" is that you're not necessarily strong because you actually are; you're strong because other people need you to be.

What happens when the rock that has been holding back the waves disappears?

The villagers have to fight the waves themselves.

Everyone wonders where the waves came from, some people remember the rock but

no one

asks how the rock feels, having been crashed against, worn down, and finally toppled.

But all that's left is rubble anyway. Not that you can see it; the sea claimed its property.